why can't I just shut up?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lo33yb, Feb 11, 2015.

  1. Lo33yb

    Lo33yb Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    I've just been really irritable with my mam and feel terrible. Why can't I stay calm? She has only recently been diagnosed but I already feel like I can't do this (we share the house she owns so I've kind of fallen into the role of carer). She's been really difficult to live with for about a year; so much so that my depression meds have been increased and I'm now on beta blockers for anxiety. What is wrong with me and why can't I cope?
  2. creativesarah

    creativesarah Registered User

    Nothing is wrong with you it's a difficult situation and it's hard for anyone to cope in the circumstances Don't beat yourself up
    Someone wiser than me will come along in a bit with better wisdom just want you to know you're not alone
  3. jonie

    jonie Registered User

    Feb 9, 2015
    Its hard my Dad got dementia last year. Hes been in hospital five weeks now he can not waik. Couid still play six bingo cards at club as that part off his brain is not damaged 6 weeks ago and still lived at home with carers and our help. He went to hospital weighing eleven stone he now weighs nine. Now needs nursing as he cannot walk now.
  4. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Do not beat yourself up, but try to get some support. If you haven't yet had an assessment for your mum or a carer's assessment for yourself now is the time to ask or perhaps demand one from SS.

    We are all only human and we're doing the best we can in very difficult circumstances. It would be surprising if it didn't get on our nerves sometimes.
  5. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    I found the best way of coping was to educate myself. The Alzheimer's society run courses to help carers understand what the person with Alzheimer's is going through in their heads. This does help to take the frustration away. Also this site has been an absolute godsend. The amount I have learned here and the support you get is second to non. Hope things improve for you soon.
  6. AishaRebecca

    AishaRebecca Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    Trust me you really are not alone. I've been helping my mum care for my granddad for over 2 years now. and trust me nearly every day he'll annoy me in some way. Partly, because you are yearning for how they used to be when they were of sound mind, and also because you'll be feeling tired and irritable. I'd love to say it gets better. In some respects it does, you learn to get less annoyed and angry and start to remember that a lot of what your mum says or does is not really "her" as such. Keep persevering and remember its OK to have breaks. Although sometimes not easy. Always try where possible to take time to recuperate.:)
  7. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Nothing is wrong with you, we all have moments like that. I found the more I found out about the illness, had the visiting support of an Alz Soc support worker able to explain and give illness reasons for different behaviour dad displayed at each stage and when dad was agitated and verbally angry I only saw the illness not my real dear dad and it made it easier to not get so wound up.
  8. Pottingshed50

    Pottingshed50 Registered User

    Apr 8, 2012
    Oh dear me no you are not alone but perfectly normal. What with the combination of disappointment that your loved one isnt as he or she used to be and the unknown, oh yes the great unknown. We all (well I have) seem to stumble along from one situation to the next to be told afterwards, oh that is perfectly normal for this illness, but boy it doesnt stop you and others and myself from wanting to scream at the top of your voice in frustration. Frustration with the situation that none of us can do anything about.

    I just hope and pray that before long someone will come along with the answer and a cure for this most dreadful disease. Remember a lot of the time it is not the person who is ill who suffers but the person looking after them. A no win situation all round.

    So chin up. I am sure others on here will come up some pratical advice for you.
  9. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    Nothing whatsoever is wrong with you. It is terrible to live with someone who is deteriorating because of this disease, or caring for them from your own home. You'll see by reading the posts on this website how hard we all find it. Unless one has some kind of Dalai Lama-like calm there are going to be days where you are snappy with the person and everyone else around you.
  10. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Nothing wrong, we all do it. Make the most of all the times you do get it right. Bet they're the vast majority of times!
  11. Sue123

    Sue123 Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    I can really relate to your post.
    I have never had any patience at the best of times and i often get angry & shout at my Mum which i always feel guilty about afterwards.
    My only consolation is to tell myself that she would of forgotten about it because of her illness.
    I need to stop getting so angry though :(
  12. Lo33yb

    Lo33yb Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Thank you to everyone who left a comment. I didn't appreciate how much a site like this could help. It's good to be able to find out what's "normal". It's certainly true that part of the irritation is because I'm angry that mam is not like the person she used to be (and this is the early stage). I guess I'm still at the stage where I can't believe it's really happening, am wishing it wasn't and dreading the deterioration.
  13. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Your human and caring thats the trouble..and like yourself..eventhough i dont live with my dad..i woke up one morning and life had slapped a great R on the end of the fact i care for my dad..and dah da!!! I was a carer!!!

    I know lots of people will be saying ..you wouldnt have things any other way!...i suppose that i would always have cared for him...but would take time out and not have to feel selfish when asking others to help out..just to have a break!

    If theres one thing i could say to help is...you dont ask you dont get!..people wont offer...and you must have time for you....its essential to your wellbeing..!

    Get a sitter in get the power of attorneys sorted asap..living together will be hard on times..and easier on times

    Get a social service assessment for your mum and you as a carer..you might not need help now...or want it..but without the communication further help in the future will be harder!

    I am sorry that youre having to go through this due to this disease...just dont forget you matter too...and keep talking on talking point..dont keep it all hidden ..
    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app

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