1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. linda1scot

    linda1scot Registered User

    Aug 2, 2011
    416
    north lanarkshire
    Hi everyone.

    My lovely mum passed away 15th January this year after a long fight with Alzheimer's. The last week of her life I sat with her for most of the day at her bedside. My brothers and sister also sat with us. She was diagnosed with a UTI that didn't respond to antibiotics.

    The day she died all my siblings were also with mum also mums brother. I had the call in the morning to say mums breathing had changed and the time was near so I phoned everyone to let them know to get to mum asap.

    The few hours leading up to mums death was really peaceful and serene. We couldn't have asked for a better passing if there is such a thing. Mum was now free from this awful cruel illnesses.

    I feel terribly guilty as I can't mourn for mum. I cried straight away when she passed but since leaving her room i havent shed a tear even at her funeral. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me that I can't mourn for my mum. Does that make me a terrible person?
     
  2. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    2,929
    London
    Hi Linda,so sorry you lost your mum,the grieving process varies from person to person-just like dementia:eek: and like many of us many tears have been shead whilst they are still with us and we may feel we have been mourning the person they used to be.
    Be kind to yourself as you were kind to your mum,so never feel guilty,she is free now and please try to remember the really good times you had with her.
    Sending a gentle hug x
     
  3. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    No.
    Did my laughter at my Mum's funeral make me a bad person...No. All we are is human.
    We all react to death in different ways. Tears are only one expression of grief. The sadness we feel, the kick in the guts even when you realise that there is no-one to phone. The hours of looking at new clothing on the sale rails that she'll never need. The no " did you see on the TV..?" ....... all of these things are expressing grief. Tears are only part of it all...
    I think that when you have truly cared for someone and lost them, particularly to an illness such as Dementia, you spend an awful lot of time grieving, even before death. Perhaps that helps soak up the tears before they fall......

    Be kind to yourself and be happy.x.x.
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,059
    Yorkshire
    hi linda1scot
    I agree
    grief is so personal and takes each of us differently
    you are mourning, in your way
    that doesn't mean you are a terrible person at all
    I too had a laugh at my mum's funeral, no tears - the tears didn't really come, as in the sobs that we see on dramas - in fact I get more teary now 11 years on as I so miss being able to chat to her and hear her voice
    I did feel that I was walking through treacle, and couldn't understand how I would forget at moments and go to the phone to call her, then had to make myself breath when I realised she wasn't at home any more ....
    if you do feel in yourself that something is wrong (very different from thinking that you aren't grieving in the way some may 'expect'), would you have a session with a counsellor to speak out how you feel?
    maybe this is the root of why there are no tears
    you write so calmly and with such acceptance - you miss her, and feel her loss, but have the comfort that she passed peacefully - maybe she left you with some of that serenity
    best wishes
     
  5. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,734
    South
    You might find that you feel differently after a few months, you might find you still don't really cry.I think if you look back at some previous posts in this thread you will find people having similar feelings of not being able to grieve in their usual way.

    I didn't really cry after my mum's death until 8-10 months later, when I was ready to process it with a counsellor. I thought it was because I didn't care as we'd had a complicated and fraught relationship most of my life, but actually I care very much, it was just that I wasn't ready to acknowledge it to myself at that point.

    Please be gentle on yourself x
     
  6. linda1scot

    linda1scot Registered User

    Aug 2, 2011
    416
    north lanarkshire
    Thank you for your very personal responses.

    I feel really bad that I am also relieved that mum has passed away. Her death to me was a blessing that she is no longer suffering and we are no longer having to watch mum slowly disappear before our eyes.

    I feel bad that I'm not heartbroken or even sad that mum is dead. I feel bad that I don't think about her every day. I feel bad that although mum and I were really really close I'm not missing her like i feel i should be. I feel bad that I dont watch a certain tv programme and think that mum would love this. I feel bad that i dont have that ache in my stomach when i think about my mum.i feel bad that when I look at mums photo I smile. I feel bad that I still cry for my dad who died 18 years ago but not mum.

    I feel bad for feeling bad about all the above!
     
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,059
    Yorkshire
    hi lindascot
    why feel bad? who says those feelings are bad? there's no legislation that you must feel one way
    the key, for me, is
    there's a great deal of acceptance in that
    which you've no need to undo because something in your head is saying you should feel another way
    I wholly appreciate what you mean about knowing your mum is no longer suffering - my mum died after a stroke, she was semi paralysed, and I now suspect had succumbed to vascular dementia - my dad was pretty much killing himself caring for her - I believe her dying was one of the kindest acts she ever did for my dad, and it was a blessing for her as her quality of life was disintegrating - I couldn't wish her back, to continue as she was - I felt that at the time, which was maybe why I didn't weep at her funeral - I also feel blessed that I had such a lovely mum and that we'd said those things that needed to be said, so I feel at peace about her death
    seems to me that your mourning has taken this turn
    your smile is a tribute to her, and maybe says more than tears could about what you mean to each other
     
  8. Rosnpton

    Rosnpton Registered User

    Mar 19, 2017
    394
    Northants
    Hi
    Sorry to hear how bad you are feeling and how you think that this is incorrect in some way.
    You will have been grieving for years whilst your mum was suffering through her dementia journey. Every time you realised she know longer could do something/ recognise someone/ follow instruction.
    The fact she has now passed is a release.
    Maybe you need to consider speaking to a bereavement counsellor when you feel able to.
    Instead of only listing all the things you feel bad about, can you try and fine one thing you are pleased about?
    Doesn't have to be big or even about her.
    She is no longer suffering and as a family, you can remember the good things not just the sad and worrying stuff.
    Hoping you feel a little better day by day
    Ros
    =linda1scot;1400228]Thank you for your very personal responses.

    I feel really bad that I am also relieved that mum has passed away. Her death to me was a blessing that she is no longer suffering and we are no longer having to watch mum slowly disappear before our eyes.

    I feel bad that I'm not heartbroken or even sad that mum is dead. I feel bad that I don't think about her every day. I feel bad that although mum and I were really really close I'm not missing her like i feel i should be. I feel bad that I dont watch a certain tv programme and think that mum would love this. I feel bad that i dont have that ache in my stomach when i think about my mum.i feel bad that when I look at mums photo I smile. I feel bad that I still cry for my dad who died 18 years ago but not mum.

    I feel bad for feeling bad about all the above![/QUOTE]
     
  9. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    ......... perhaps you were simply better prepared to lose your Mum.... xx
    Don't look for pain and grief, be glad that her suffering is over.x.x
     
  10. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    Don't worry Linda. My mum died in 2010, and I still haven't cried for her - not one single tear. I haven't done any grieving at all. I know it's all in there, but it hasn't chosen its moment to come out yet. It takes us all in different ways. Don't feel guilty - there is nothing wrong with you! I'm sure my reaction wouldn't have been like this if she had still been the mother I'd known when she died.
     
  11. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    I never had those reactions either, but I didn't and don't feel bad. Just relief that Mum's fight against dementia was over. I too raise a smile when I look at a photo but see that as a positive sign, not a bad one, as it means my memories of her pre-dementia days are returning and I can remember all those good times again, not the unhappy final years.

    In fact, I'd say the fact that you have accepted what has happened - and let's face it, death is the inevitable outcome for us all - is a healthy sign, rather than the opposite. My MIL is 90 but I know my younger SIL is in denial that her days are now numbered, whereas I view it as an achievement of having reached such a ripe old age.

    I hope when the time comes I shall raise a smile at her funeral too, as I did at my own parents', as a celebration of a life well lived.
     
  12. MollyD

    MollyD Registered User

    Mar 27, 2016
    1,696
    Ireland
    Linda, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had very precious time together at the end. Your expression of love for your mum shines through.

    Reading other posts in reply to your OP is helpful and reassuring for me (mum died on April 3rd), I hope it is for you too.

    Don't know why I'm assuming -- and expecting -- that crying is the true expression of grief. Others here are so on point in noting it is experienced in the low key indefinable moments of the mourning process, in all its forms. But as I write that, I'm out of touch with it what I'm saying, so they are only words for me for now.

    The other night I couldn't sleep, my chest felt like it was filled with concrete. I thought crying would help so put on some moving music. Still no tears. I just feel nausea a great deal.

    Like you I did cry during and directly after mum's dying days. Now virtually nothing. I feel maybe I cried all the grief already in the last few years?

    Thanks everyone.

    Linda, wishing you well. Go gently on yourself. Whatever you are feeling and experiencing is real.

    People here have been kindly reminding me of that. It'll sink in.

    Sent from my HUAWEI RIO-L01 using Talking Point mobile app
     
  13. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    581
    Sheffield
    Linda
    Its almost 4 years since my dad passed away and like you i did little crying other than at his time of passing.
    To be honest i think my grieving was done along thi6s journey with dementia
    Strangely enough i had a massive crying jag a few weeks ago when we finally sold the family home
    I dont believe it is compulsory that you have to do things in a specific time frame
    Every one is different . Be kind to your self. Your mum is now at peace

    Sent from my SM-G930F using Talking Point mobile app
     
  14. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    The tears never come on command, Linda. Shock does. I cried a few tears last Sunday when I got the phone call I dreaded, and I'll go there and pick up his things next week, but I haven't had a meltdown. I cried on the phone with a pal last week, but since then, nothing.

    Don't push for tears. Let them come naturally. They will come. Be prepared for it to be sudden. I can't tell you what'll spark it, but they will come. It might be a word said, or something that jogs a memory, and then you will cry.

    Don't be scared of how you're feeling, or even, not feeling, right now. Grief is another stranger you're currently living with, and we can't dictate how this will work out.

    I hope you've got close friends and loved ones who you can talk with about your Mum. Those whom you trust, so you can keep her memory alive in your heart.

    Much, much love to you, Linda.
     
  15. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,522
    Ireland
    When my husband died, grief would overtake me over the oddest things. Still does occasionally, and he'll be two years dead in August. Catching sight of his favourite lemon mousse in Tesco one day as I passed through the refrigerator aisles had me fleeing for home in floods of years, months after he died. Seeing a copy of one of his favourite DVD's. Finding his old bathrobe, which was hanging on a hook on the bedroom wall, hidden behind the curtain. I moved to another bedroom the day he went to the nursing home, and still rarely go into what used to be "our" room. Grieving is as individual as people.
     
  16. Linred

    Linred Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    6
    Oh wow. I have just read linda1scott post because I was feeling bad in exactly the same way. My lovely mum passed away on 25th October 2018 after a 2 year struggle with Alzheimer's. I was with her when she passed but apart from crying at that time I haven't cried at all. I also feel so mean and that I 'dont care' . Having read all your replies, although it still doesn't feel right, I am understanding it much better now. Thank you everyone for showing me it's not just me.
     
  17. Helly11

    Helly11 Registered User

    Apr 24, 2017
    49
    Female
    Derby
    I am also grateful to have seen this thread, thanks to Linred's comment bringing it back up the page. Dad died on 12 October and I have been feeling bad about feeling so unemotional/at peace with everything so soon after his death. As others have mentioned, it was a release for him and I am grateful that he still recognised us all, still maintained his sense of humour and still had some quality of life up until the last time I saw him (he died 11 days later, while I was on holiday in Bulgaria). I'd have hated for him to end up like others in his care home - bedridden and/or completely uncommunicative. And his passing was very quick and seemingly peaceful at the end - he was in hospital with aspiration pneumonia and the nurse found him awake and looking around first thing, but when she came back to give him a wash, 15 minutes later, he had gone. All of this brings me comfort. I do think, also, that we all cry gallons of tears as we gradually lose our loved ones to dementia - I have been crying for Mum, who also has dementia, for six years and Dad these last two. I am sure that contributes to the fact that we may then grieve differently from the 'norm' at the point of death. Thanks to all for their past - very reassuring - comments.
     
  18. Heylowe

    Heylowe Registered User

    Mar 15, 2015
    51
    Hi
    I've just read your post and it's so similar to my experience on 17th January. And as the same, I cried at the time but haven't since.... I'm very sad but ok but feel bad that I seem ok. Your post could have been what I've written - how are you now, a few more days on? Xx
     
  19. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,602
    Female
    Dundee
    Hi @Heylowe - just a note to say that Linda made that post in April 2017 and hadn’t been on line since May of that year.
     
  20. Heylowe

    Heylowe Registered User

    Mar 15, 2015
    51
    Yes realized after I posted!!
     

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