Why can they not see me.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by ken82, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Not sure if this piece should be posted here but I'm sure I'll be told if not and please remove.
    The reason this got written was possibly a little self pity I was feeling one night whilst on usual night watch of my wife sleeping .I started thinking of the days events which included an hospital appointment following my wife's seizure a few weeks before. My daughter accompanied us , and the consultant invited us all in to his room .My wife cannot comprehend or answer questions, this I have to to do .He started to make enquirers about my wife and only paid attention to my daughter bypassing me ,despite the fact I was there and the only one who really knew the facts.
    My daughter can only pay occasional short visits due to her very busy business and family life ,so we mainly keep in touch by phone .She did not really know about the decline in my wife's mental health so I did try to give some information by joining in the conversation when possible .I'm sure my daughter does not know , or suspect how I felt that day but I realized something like this happens often , now I have become older in other situations for me and have seen other elderly people treated the same .

    ME
    What do they see when they look at me , the bus driver ,doctor , check out girl , nurse.
    Just an old white haired ,wrinkled , man , with shaking hand and stumbling gait .
    Why can they not see me .
    The little boy in bed with mummy sharing her cup of tea daddy brings her every morning.
    That small happy boy with fishing net chasing butterflies, with his little friends .
    Why can they not see me
    That young boy exploring the wonders of his country world climbing trees with his friends, building secret dens during long summer days.
    Why can they not see me.
    Can they not see that bit of a lad playing football with team friends or flying a home made kite when not tormenting his older caring sister and brother .
    Why can they not see me.
    That boy when school was done , happily whistling ,riding a butchers bike with basket full to deliver .
    Why can they not see me
    After work meeting friends having good times together , finding a life long sweetheart later to be loving wife and mother of two for over fifty happy years .
    Why can they not see me.
    The young man in smart RAF uniform proud to serve his country abroad during the cold war ,coming home to be a married man with two lovely children and working with pride seventeen happy years for the NHS.
    Why can they not see me.
    A mature man proprietor manager of his and life partners café and restaurant business for over thirty good years.
    Why can they not see me.
    Now retired still mentally bright with many memories , a loving family with grandchildren and great grandchildren and the joy they bring that makes one feel young
    Why can they not see me
    Now full time carer over several years for his loving wife, with sleepless
    nights , troubled busy days ,but life still goes on and I,m still here
    There are so many just like me , all have a life story not obviously seen, but should be shown respect despite the ravages of time .
    Those persons exists just like I.
    Try to see
    Me
     
  2. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    171
    Thought provoking

    Thank you Ken for your moving post. I think people see the outside and jump to conclusions don't they? They see an older person and make assumptions, in the same way as we make assumptions about young people or someone of a different race. Thanks for making me think. I can't see you but I hear you :eek:.
     
  3. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    Oh Ken, I do wish I could give you a very big, real hug! Being a carer and the father of an adult child how on earth do you become invisible? I don't know the answer, maybe you're just so worn out being a carer so your daughter feels she should do a bit more to help by taking over the medical conversations. As a daughter I do know it's very difficult to step back as that feeling of needing to be responsible instead of their child is very strong.

    Thank you for taking the time to put down your feelings that way. We all need to be reminded that no-one is invisible and that you've had a fulfilling and happy life.

    Virtual hugs xxx
     
  4. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,561
    North West
    A very powerful and understandable protest at the way you were treated Ken.

    Would it perhaps be possible to discuss the way you feel with your daughter? It might then be possible, if a similar situation should arise on the future, for her to suggest that the questions are addressed to you as the full-time long-term carer of, and therefore expert on, your life partner.
     
  5. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,477
    West Midlands
    I hear you xx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  6. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,838
    Suffolk
    (((((Hugs))))), Ken. Nearly in tears after reading that. Should be read by every professional who has to deal with dementia.
     
  7. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thank you Emac. I agree with your comments and know somtetimes we all make that mistake.
     
  8. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Many thanks Lovehug my daughter is very careing and does support my wife and I as much as she can ,we are a very close family and and it would hurt her to think she was the reason for my depression that night when of course she was not.The mistake of treating the elderly incorrectly happens in all walks of life most possibly not intentionaly .Thanks again.
     
  9. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Many thanks Spamar don;t feel sad it was not intended to be depressing , we really have had a very good life together and I started thinking that night what the consultant could not see of our past and who and what we are, a mistake many make with the elderly.
    Thank you Spamar
     
  10. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thank you 2Jays
     
  11. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21

    Thanks stanleypj Yes I could discuss this with my daughter but it was not really about her she is a wonderful daughter and I would not want her to think it was ,it was the attitude of the consultant that started me thinking about how the elderly are often treated in this way. Hopefully perhaps some one will read the post and have a little more understanding of the elderly. Thanks again.
     

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