Why at Christmas?

[mariew1]

Here we go again!!!
Last year my mum was in a psychiatric functional assessment ward.Due to never being given a diagnosis despite strong indicators on the ct scan and high doses of medication for psychosis,anxiety and depression this caused unnecessary turmoil,anger fallouts within our family during christmas as we could not agree what was best for my mum.
It resulted in her coming home for christmas and upset all round.Eventually after failed home assessment and 1wks home leave my mum was finally discharged into a wonderful residential home still on the same medication and things settled down after a time with my mum settling into a routine which enabled her to "hide" a lot of her problems.Her family began the slow process of healing the hurt caused during this time and forging previous relationships with eachother and our own families.
2wks ago I noticed a deterioration with my mum and hoped this would pass but sadly no the return of the psychosis masked by reference to slight ailments began which has further deteriorated into a high anxiety state,withdrawal and the evident psychotic behaviour-which is so sad to see her trying to hide.
How dumb was I?I thought it would be a simle matter of contacting the hospital for a review but have found out that she was discharged and would have to be re-referred via GP.Hard to believe after a 5mth stay in hospital and still on all those meds!!!!
I know my mum can't help this but as I have a 7yr old son whostill believes in the magic of Christmas and the memory of last year is so painful I am dreading this year again and if I'm honest I am so angry!!!!!!With that comes guilt and upset.I miss my mum so much and the lady I now visit is a shell I no longer know.
I would like to hear from anyone with similiar circumstances of non-diagnosis and similar problems this can cause in family dynamics through treatment of symptoms only!!!
Sorry to rant but I suppose I was doing the ostrich effect because the situation although hard had been relatively settled and I was hoping for 1 christmas day where we could all pretend-just 1!!!!!x

 

[sarah018]

hi, i am sorry to hear about your mum. I am not really in the same situation as you but i still dread christmas. 2 weeks ago i los my grandma to this awfull illness which still really hasnt sunk in really but it has brought back all the pain of losing my other grandma on christmas day a few years ago so as you can imagine christmas is not a very happy time in itself. plus i am racked with guilt about being more upset about the loss of my gran that died years ago than the one that dies 2 weeks ago.
i know it will be stressfull for you and your family all i can say is look after yourself and your son. i hope it goes a bit better than last year for you.
love sarah

 

[mariew1]

Thank you sarah for your kind words-I wish you a very Happy Christmas and try not to feel too guilty-neither of your Gran's would want that.Take Care

 

[Áine]

Hi marie

Sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I guess it always feels worse when things happen this time of year too.

Just a couple of thoughts really:

a) The thing about mum having to be re-referred through the gp. It might not be so bad as you think. In my experience, there are various issues concerned with clinical responsibility and funding (and number crunching) that determine whether someone is discharged and has to be re-referred or whether the consultant/hospital can just be asked to review the case. The re-referral may simply be a paperwork formality rather than a lengthy process with a long waiting list. You might want to talk to mum's GP about it. If it looks like there really are difficulties, you might want to talk to the relevant section of PALS about it.

b) Apologies if this sounds awful ...... but ....... if mum is so psychotic and not with it, can you just make Xmas a time for you and your son and other close family? If she's so confused she may not know the difference (though you will and no doubt that will be painful). Maybe you could put some effort into sorting things out for mum before the holiday, and after the holiday ........... but have some space for yourself in between? It's far from ideal ......... but .......

best wishes

Áine

 

[Lynne]

Hi Marie,

Aine just said what I was thinking. Sometimes you have to put another family member first, especially if your Mum won't actually know anything different.

Best wishes

 

[Nell]

b) Apologies if this sounds awful ...... but ....... if mum is so psychotic and not with it, can you just make Xmas a time for you and your son and other close family? If she's so confused she may not know the difference (though you will and no doubt that will be painful). Maybe you could put some effort into sorting things out for mum before the holiday, and after the holiday ........... but have some space for yourself in between? It's far from ideal ......... but .......

Áine

Yes, I too think this might be the path to take. & years old is a very precious age - if you have done all you can for your Mum, perhaps you can now just enjoy Christmas with your son . . . ??
(Give that guilt monster a firm punch on the nose and tell him he is NOT welcome!!)
Nell

 

[Cate]

Hi Marie

I, along with the rest of the family, and nursing staff at the NH have agreed not to have mum home for Christmas, the first year EVER not to spend Christmas together.

Guilt monsters, I have them in spades, a whole ruddy set of them, especially in the wee small hours. But I'm sticking with the plan, and cannot wait until it's all over.

Thanks Nell, I'm going to get my boxing gloves out.
Love
Cate

 

[Helena]

You will not know theincredible huge relief it is to me to not have to consider my Mother for Xmas
With either mine or my sisters husband having to drag out on a 200 mile trip to fetch her and return her home with all the misery in between

At last My husband can enjoy his Birthday on Xmas Day the way he wants too

its been 40 years since he could do that

Sorry but when a parent has Dementia and is in a NH or hospital I do not in any way think its sensible to bring them home for Xmas .......for starters its far too disrupting to any dementia patient to be taken out of their routine and even the most patient family is pushed to breaking point

 

[daughter]

Hi Marie and all,

This will be my Dad's third Christmas in his NH. I was going to try to justify the fact that we do not bring him home, but I don't need to - it's a fact that we just could not cope with him as he is now - well that's the main reason why he is in the NH in the first place!

Dad's NH have a party each year, relatives come along and there is music, singing and some dancing, and we will celebrate as much as we can with Dad on that day. Christmas day itself is a time for my Grandchildren to have fun and I want to do all I can to make that happen. Dad does not know what day is what, he will get a Christmas meal at the home, it will no doubt be a busy, noisy day for him, and I will see him again on Boxing Day. Once there's a plan in place, then may as well stick to it - no regrets.

Some pretty horrendous emotional times at Christmases over past years have taught me not to have too high expectations of the actual day and that if I find any part of it fun then that's a bonus! Enjoy your time with your boy and share in that childhood magic, it doesn't last long. {{hugs}}