Why are the "professionals" so keen to get my MIL into a home|?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Doreen99, Feb 2, 2008.

  1. Doreen99

    Doreen99 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2008
    66
    Sheffield
    My ma-in-law has been in hospital with vascular dementia since 31 December.

    I finally saw a Social Worker on Friday, and his attitude was pretty much that she should go into an EMI home, as the consultant had first suggested. He knew I wanted to bring her home and asked me what sort of home support I would ideally want. I told him Day Care and a week's respite every few months. He was very negative towards the prospects of getting this help - understandably, as I know places are very limited. He also said they couldn't "promise" that the help would be available, which I found a bit strange. It's either there or it isn't, if there's a place, there's a place, they must know what is available.

    He said they had to consider what's best for her but also what's best for me and whether I could cope with her. I told him I expected she would eventually have to go into a home, as the dementia progressed.

    The consultant also wanted to see me and he also said she needed to go into a home, where she could get the care she needed. He said she was being very difficult about taking her meds, which I already knew, and was wandering about the ward in the evening and night and not settling down. He also mentioned her incontinence.

    Now, when I last spoke to the Charge Nurse, he said she had urinary incontence about 50% of the time and, apart from when she had a tummy bug, could make to the loo OK to poop. He also said she was restless during the evening, but most of the time she was sleeping from about 11pm through to 6am.

    I don't work, I don't have a family to look after, so I consider myself to be ideally placed to look after her. I'm not going to have the problem of trying to work and/or look after others as well as caring for her. I've got good friends and neighbours, who are her friends as well.

    So why are they so keen to get her into a home? Is it because they think she's going to end up in one eventually, so it would a lot less trouble if we do it now, rather than having to do the work to get me the support?

    I've got a conference with the Social Worker and some of the medical team on Monday, but I feel their approach is going to be a foregone conclusion that she needs to go into a home.

    The Social Worker says she'll have to see a psychiatrist, anyway, to be assessed because she hasn't got any money or property to sell to fund herself. I've asked to be there when this happens, as she is rather deaf and has trouble with English accents, and I'm not at all sure they won't decide she's lacking in mental ability rather than just not being able to understand/hear what they're saying.

    Sorry this is such a long post, but I'm damned confused myself now, because they seem so sure she needs to go into a home, without even discussing the alternatives with me.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,143
    Kent
    Well, Doreen.

    I have no idea why the powers that be may prefer your MIL to be in a home rather than with you, but I would ask for an explanation of their thinking.

    And if you want to try to care for her so much, I think at least you ahould be able to give it a go, and shouldn`t be discouraged from doing so.

    And if, unfortunately, it doesn`t work out, at least you`ll have no regrets.

    Please post an update, when you`ve seen them all on Monday. I`ll be interested to hear what they have to say.

    Good luck xx
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
    I'm going to speculate her Doreen - probably unwise but I suspect that you've already thought of these reasons before.

    1) Your age/her age - maybe they think you won't be able to cope.

    2) The fact that she's not a "blood" relative - maybe they don't "get" the bond.

    3) Getting funding for a care home for someone of your MIL's advanced age is probably a slam-dunk, while you and everyone else have to compete for very scarce resources when it comes to get respite etc.

    4) This is the more insidious one: do you think it's a response to your sexual orientation? Not necessarily overt, not perhaps even thought through, but more to do with number 2) above - she's not YOUR mother. If it's this one I would imagine (just guessing but I tend to be pushy) I would be inclined to ask them if they would be responding the same if you had been married to her son, rather than partnered with her daughter. I really would like to think it's not this one, but it might be. It could quite possibly not even be conscious on their part (which is pretty sad when you think about it but it happens).
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Doreen.

    I'd hate to think Jennifer's right, it would go against all guidelines, but..........

    I'm sure you've got the confidence to ask, and if necessary quote guidlines to them.

    I have to say, though, when John was in hospital, I too was put under tremendous pressure to put him into care rather than bring him home.

    The reasoning was that

    1) having had one severe UTI, it was almost certain to recur, so he would be in and out of hospital. Very unsettling for us both.

    2) I wouldn't be able to handle him, even with a maximum care package. (John's 6'2, and well-built)

    I caved in, and I have to say they were right on both counts. He's on almost constant antibiotics, and it takes three carers to handle him when he's in the grip of an infection.

    It's not easy to let go, and I know how much you want to keep your MIL at home. If you really believe you can manage, then stand your ground. You have the right to try.

    Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
     
  5. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Me too!

    This sounds really complex..

    Jennifer..can I ask what a "slam-dunk" is?

    Doreen..your spirit is admirable..only you know the real circumstances..and whether or not you would be able to deal with what you are suggesting..

    I would ask you to consider..what is best for MIL..long term

    Keep us posted,please..wishing you well

    love Gigi xx
     
  6. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
    Sorry Gigi - an americanism slipped in there (I'll go and wash my mouth out with soap :D) A slam-dunk (from basketball) is a sure thing, a dead cert, ahome run (woops another amercanism there): i.e something that is easy and certain.
     
  7. ellie 123

    ellie 123 Registered User

    May 25, 2006
    91
    Hi Doreen

    I had the same reaction. I had to continously fight all concerned and sometimes they looked at me as if I had two heads, just because I wanted to bring my mother home.

    I wouldn't say I'm a natural carer but I still maintain looking after mum (and she is hard work, aggressive both physically and verbal, hardly ever sleeps, etc) is a piece of cake compared to dealing with ss, nhs, doctors, nurses, carers et al.

    Thing is Doreen it's easier for them.

    So if it's what you want to do then go for it because if it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it a go.

    Lots of love ellie
     
  8. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Doreen, hello, sorry I feel I know you aleady.

    The whys and wherefores.:
    Doreen, to you and me "its either there or not",...... to SS this is an altogether different catagory.

    I am sorry to say that we come at care from two very different angles, and SS just make mountains out of mohehills..

    I wish you well in the care you are trying to get. Please let us know if we can help.
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    It could be that they genuinely don't know. There has been a massive cut-back in funding for SS, and they're having to prioritise for the coming financial year. Though I would have thought it would make financial sense to keep someone at home for as long as possible.

    Here in Scotland, they're now talking about stopping the free personal care, it's costing more than they thought!:eek:

    If they do, it will make a huge difference to my financial situation.
     
  10. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    Doreen

    I admire your wish to care for your MIL

    However having witnessed the decline of my Mother with VD I can only say that it would take a total saint to cope with theraft of problems VD causes especially by the time they are wandering and incontinent

    The important question you need to ask is exactly how long they think she hasto live because without knowing that its a huge challenge to take on .........also finding her a place in an EMI home whilst she is still in hospital is far easier than when you hit crisis point trying to care for her at home

    The Consultant told me my Mother had Months at most and in fact she died a week later
     
  11. Lonestray

    Lonestray Registered User

    Aug 3, 2006
    236
    Hereford
    Doreen, I've been through the same as you many years ago. One thing I've learned in my years of caring for my wife is, that the so called professions and SS, when it came down to it knew less than I. Had any of them come to visit my wife and I in the past five years and tried to offer advice, I'd have asked them if they'd ever cared for someone 24/7, year in year out to the very end? Unless they had, they'd have been of no help to me.

    When I removed my wife from a NH, I was scared, could I manage? I'd never know unless I tried. What was best for her? Not the NH where she'd stopped eating, was under six stone and had bad pressure sores. I chose to look after her on my own, I had no friens, still don't, nor would I dream of any family member helping.
    With help of your family and friends and maybe SS (I didn't) give it a go, like Ellie says, give it your best shot, you'll never know till you try. You, know your MIL best, 'who dares wins'. I did, and as sure as hell I'm no saint. I found a hidden strength within, and am the richer person for it, thank God. Padraig
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #12 Margarita, Feb 3, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2008
    I think its more to do with
    funding your MIL in her home, as when the disease progresses into the stage that a consultant recommends a NH , her needs must be very High , she need nursing care at home, adaptations if mobility is bad , 24 hour around the day support , she won't be able to go out to day center, so your need time out at home to give you a break , so they need to pay for agency staff to come into your home .

    You must of all read how carer have to fight social services to give them the funding to take care of a love one at home when they get to that stage , rather then put them in a nursing care home .

    who that woman that got it for her husband , rather then keep him in NH . she was on TV not long a ago ?

    Barbara and ?
     
  13. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    This is something I am studying at the moment as part of my OU course. Apparently it is sometimes cheaper to put someone into full time care rather than provide help to enable them to stay in their own home. So it could be down to money in the end. However, this would also vary according to whether the person was self funding or not.
     
  14. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    Malcolm - I think the surname was Pointer or something like that.
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #15 Margarita, Feb 3, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2008
    Thank- you yes that the name

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2007/dec/12/dementiacare

    Fight for your mother in law rights , if you want to bring her home and you want to do it for her , they can't tell you by law they no funding . but be papered for a challenge , when you ask them why can't you do it, just keep challenging them to get the funding . they is a paper on how other have got it , but can't find it .
     
  16. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?p=117454#post117454
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    that story does paint a bleak story of care in North Wales.
     
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheet/418

    Read this , as you can ask them if they done a Community care assessment, when you meet up with them .
     
  19. Doreen99

    Doreen99 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2008
    66
    Sheffield
    Hi all

    just a very quick post to thank all of you for your comments, suggestions and useful links.

    I am busily preparing a file of useful documents, together with a iist of questions, to take to the meeting tomorrow. I'm trying to keep an open mind for the meeting, but I do feel that they are basically just trying to take the easiest route of putting Meg in a home.

    I'll let you know how I get on!
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,143
    Kent
    Good luck Doreen.
     

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