Why are the "professionals" so keen to get my MIL into a home|?

Doreen99

Registered User
Jan 12, 2008
66
Sheffield
My ma-in-law has been in hospital with vascular dementia since 31 December.

I finally saw a Social Worker on Friday, and his attitude was pretty much that she should go into an EMI home, as the consultant had first suggested. He knew I wanted to bring her home and asked me what sort of home support I would ideally want. I told him Day Care and a week's respite every few months. He was very negative towards the prospects of getting this help - understandably, as I know places are very limited. He also said they couldn't "promise" that the help would be available, which I found a bit strange. It's either there or it isn't, if there's a place, there's a place, they must know what is available.

He said they had to consider what's best for her but also what's best for me and whether I could cope with her. I told him I expected she would eventually have to go into a home, as the dementia progressed.

The consultant also wanted to see me and he also said she needed to go into a home, where she could get the care she needed. He said she was being very difficult about taking her meds, which I already knew, and was wandering about the ward in the evening and night and not settling down. He also mentioned her incontinence.

Now, when I last spoke to the Charge Nurse, he said she had urinary incontence about 50% of the time and, apart from when she had a tummy bug, could make to the loo OK to poop. He also said she was restless during the evening, but most of the time she was sleeping from about 11pm through to 6am.

I don't work, I don't have a family to look after, so I consider myself to be ideally placed to look after her. I'm not going to have the problem of trying to work and/or look after others as well as caring for her. I've got good friends and neighbours, who are her friends as well.

So why are they so keen to get her into a home? Is it because they think she's going to end up in one eventually, so it would a lot less trouble if we do it now, rather than having to do the work to get me the support?

I've got a conference with the Social Worker and some of the medical team on Monday, but I feel their approach is going to be a foregone conclusion that she needs to go into a home.

The Social Worker says she'll have to see a psychiatrist, anyway, to be assessed because she hasn't got any money or property to sell to fund herself. I've asked to be there when this happens, as she is rather deaf and has trouble with English accents, and I'm not at all sure they won't decide she's lacking in mental ability rather than just not being able to understand/hear what they're saying.

Sorry this is such a long post, but I'm damned confused myself now, because they seem so sure she needs to go into a home, without even discussing the alternatives with me.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,651
Kent
Well, Doreen.

I have no idea why the powers that be may prefer your MIL to be in a home rather than with you, but I would ask for an explanation of their thinking.

And if you want to try to care for her so much, I think at least you ahould be able to give it a go, and shouldn`t be discouraged from doing so.

And if, unfortunately, it doesn`t work out, at least you`ll have no regrets.

Please post an update, when you`ve seen them all on Monday. I`ll be interested to hear what they have to say.

Good luck xx
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
I'm going to speculate her Doreen - probably unwise but I suspect that you've already thought of these reasons before.

1) Your age/her age - maybe they think you won't be able to cope.

2) The fact that she's not a "blood" relative - maybe they don't "get" the bond.

3) Getting funding for a care home for someone of your MIL's advanced age is probably a slam-dunk, while you and everyone else have to compete for very scarce resources when it comes to get respite etc.

4) This is the more insidious one: do you think it's a response to your sexual orientation? Not necessarily overt, not perhaps even thought through, but more to do with number 2) above - she's not YOUR mother. If it's this one I would imagine (just guessing but I tend to be pushy) I would be inclined to ask them if they would be responding the same if you had been married to her son, rather than partnered with her daughter. I really would like to think it's not this one, but it might be. It could quite possibly not even be conscious on their part (which is pretty sad when you think about it but it happens).
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Doreen.

I'd hate to think Jennifer's right, it would go against all guidelines, but..........

I'm sure you've got the confidence to ask, and if necessary quote guidlines to them.

I have to say, though, when John was in hospital, I too was put under tremendous pressure to put him into care rather than bring him home.

The reasoning was that

1) having had one severe UTI, it was almost certain to recur, so he would be in and out of hospital. Very unsettling for us both.

2) I wouldn't be able to handle him, even with a maximum care package. (John's 6'2, and well-built)

I caved in, and I have to say they were right on both counts. He's on almost constant antibiotics, and it takes three carers to handle him when he's in the grip of an infection.

It's not easy to let go, and I know how much you want to keep your MIL at home. If you really believe you can manage, then stand your ground. You have the right to try.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
 

gigi

Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
7,788
66
East Midlands
I have no idea why the powers that be may prefer your MIL to be in a home rather than with you, but I would ask for an explanation of their thinking.
Me too!

This sounds really complex..

Jennifer..can I ask what a "slam-dunk" is?

Doreen..your spirit is admirable..only you know the real circumstances..and whether or not you would be able to deal with what you are suggesting..

I would ask you to consider..what is best for MIL..long term

Keep us posted,please..wishing you well

love Gigi xx
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Sorry Gigi - an americanism slipped in there (I'll go and wash my mouth out with soap :D) A slam-dunk (from basketball) is a sure thing, a dead cert, ahome run (woops another amercanism there): i.e something that is easy and certain.
 

ellie 123

Registered User
May 25, 2006
91
Hi Doreen

I had the same reaction. I had to continously fight all concerned and sometimes they looked at me as if I had two heads, just because I wanted to bring my mother home.

I wouldn't say I'm a natural carer but I still maintain looking after mum (and she is hard work, aggressive both physically and verbal, hardly ever sleeps, etc) is a piece of cake compared to dealing with ss, nhs, doctors, nurses, carers et al.

Thing is Doreen it's easier for them.

So if it's what you want to do then go for it because if it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it a go.

Lots of love ellie
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Hi Doreen, hello, sorry I feel I know you aleady.

The whys and wherefores.:
I told him Day Care and a week's respite every few months. He was very negative towards the prospects of getting this help - understandably, as I know places are very limited. He also said they couldn't "promise" that the help would be available, which I found a bit strange. It's either there or it isn't, if there's a place, there's a place, they must know what is available.
Doreen, to you and me "its either there or not",...... to SS this is an altogether different catagory.

I am sorry to say that we come at care from two very different angles, and SS just make mountains out of mohehills..

I wish you well in the care you are trying to get. Please let us know if we can help.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
It could be that they genuinely don't know. There has been a massive cut-back in funding for SS, and they're having to prioritise for the coming financial year. Though I would have thought it would make financial sense to keep someone at home for as long as possible.

Here in Scotland, they're now talking about stopping the free personal care, it's costing more than they thought!:eek:

If they do, it will make a huge difference to my financial situation.
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Doreen

I admire your wish to care for your MIL

However having witnessed the decline of my Mother with VD I can only say that it would take a total saint to cope with theraft of problems VD causes especially by the time they are wandering and incontinent

The important question you need to ask is exactly how long they think she hasto live because without knowing that its a huge challenge to take on .........also finding her a place in an EMI home whilst she is still in hospital is far easier than when you hit crisis point trying to care for her at home

The Consultant told me my Mother had Months at most and in fact she died a week later
 

Lonestray

Registered User
Aug 3, 2006
236
Hereford
Doreen, I've been through the same as you many years ago. One thing I've learned in my years of caring for my wife is, that the so called professions and SS, when it came down to it knew less than I. Had any of them come to visit my wife and I in the past five years and tried to offer advice, I'd have asked them if they'd ever cared for someone 24/7, year in year out to the very end? Unless they had, they'd have been of no help to me.

When I removed my wife from a NH, I was scared, could I manage? I'd never know unless I tried. What was best for her? Not the NH where she'd stopped eating, was under six stone and had bad pressure sores. I chose to look after her on my own, I had no friens, still don't, nor would I dream of any family member helping.
With help of your family and friends and maybe SS (I didn't) give it a go, like Ellie says, give it your best shot, you'll never know till you try. You, know your MIL best, 'who dares wins'. I did, and as sure as hell I'm no saint. I found a hidden strength within, and am the richer person for it, thank God. Padraig
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
I finally saw a Social Worker on Friday, and his attitude was pretty much that she should go into an EMI home, as the consultant had first suggested
I think its more to do with
funding your MIL in her home, as when the disease progresses into the stage that a consultant recommends a NH , her needs must be very High , she need nursing care at home, adaptations if mobility is bad , 24 hour around the day support , she won't be able to go out to day center, so your need time out at home to give you a break , so they need to pay for agency staff to come into your home .

You must of all read how carer have to fight social services to give them the funding to take care of a love one at home when they get to that stage , rather then put them in a nursing care home .

who that woman that got it for her husband , rather then keep him in NH . she was on TV not long a ago ?

Barbara and ?
 
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noelphobic

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
3,452
Liverpool
Though I would have thought it would make financial sense to keep someone at home for as long as possible.
This is something I am studying at the moment as part of my OU course. Apparently it is sometimes cheaper to put someone into full time care rather than provide help to enable them to stay in their own home. So it could be down to money in the end. However, this would also vary according to whether the person was self funding or not.
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
Thank- you yes that the name

Wall of ignorance

Thanks to the introduction of direct payments for carers - a pilot scheme that will be rolled out nationally from April next year -Barbara was able to recruit her own live-in care worker. The result was more continuity and better quality care - at home at least. But Barbara still found herself confronted with a wall of ignorance and conflicting advice from health and care workers.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2007/dec/12/dementiacare

Fight for your mother in law rights , if you want to bring her home and you want to do it for her , they can't tell you by law they no funding . but be papered for a challenge , when you ask them why can't you do it, just keep challenging them to get the funding . they is a paper on how other have got it , but can't find it .
 
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Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Fight for your mother in law rights , if you want to bring her home and you want to do it for her , they can't tell you by law they no funding . but be papered for a challenge , when you ask them why can't you do it, just keep challenging them to get the funding . they is a paper on how other have got it , but can't find it .
noelphobic said:
]Apparently it is sometimes cheaper to put someone into full time care rather than provide help to enable them to stay in their own home. So it could be down to money in the end. However, this would also vary according to whether the person was self funding or not.
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?p=117454#post117454
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
The local social services said they were unable to provide even the twice-daily visits that meant he could have stayed in his cottage in rural North Wales
that story does paint a bleak story of care in North Wales.
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
Under the NHS and Community Care Act 1990, local authority social services departments are responsible for assessing the needs of people who may need care services to enable them to carry on living at home. Services can also include care in a care home if that seems to be the best option. The social services department must arrange any services that the assessment concludes are needed.
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheet/418

Read this , as you can ask them if they done a Community care assessment, when you meet up with them .
 

Doreen99

Registered User
Jan 12, 2008
66
Sheffield
Hi all

just a very quick post to thank all of you for your comments, suggestions and useful links.

I am busily preparing a file of useful documents, together with a iist of questions, to take to the meeting tomorrow. I'm trying to keep an open mind for the meeting, but I do feel that they are basically just trying to take the easiest route of putting Meg in a home.

I'll let you know how I get on!
 

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