Why am i constantly battling with myself?

saskia

Registered User
Aug 10, 2015
124
0
North Essex
Honestly, my head is just full of my mum being in a care home.

6 months now, she has started to settle quite well, we take her out on shopping trips & back to ours for dinner etc, the staff genuinely like my mum - she is a character and is at the stage when can still hold a sort of conversation & understands what people are saying to her
- she has a few favourite carers at the home & I get txts to say how well she is doing , sometimes with pics (the other day one of the carers sent me fab pic of mum brushing someones hair)

but every day I battle with ''shall I visit tonight'' / or I can't do that on sat as need to see mum / or everytime I go shopping - will mum need that / like that'

I have battled with myself for ages whether to give up work & have mum move in with me...however, I love my job & I know from family members & a good friend who did this, its not the same, its very hard and at the mo when I see mum, its really lovely getting hugs goodbye at the door and having a laugh with her & the staff (not always...she does have her off days!)

spent most of last weekend with mum, but have a very bad cold at the moment & I KNOW I shouldn't go to see her, I'm full of cold, tired..but the guilt monster is eating away at me.

I am like this every week & weekend -if I don't see mum twice / three times in the week and at least once over the weekend I feel like I have let her down.... I know she won't remember that I'm there one hour to the next.. its just me.

I do have a brother -however, he can detatch himself from mum in a way I just can't seem to do.

thanks for reading -feel almost better for just typing away.

sas
x
 

KJ49

Registered User
Jul 1, 2017
31
0
Honestly, my head is just full of my mum being in a care home.

6 months now, she has started to settle quite well, we take her out on shopping trips & back to ours for dinner etc, the staff genuinely like my mum - she is a character and is at the stage when can still hold a sort of conversation & understands what people are saying to her
- she has a few favourite carers at the home & I get txts to say how well she is doing , sometimes with pics (the other day one of the carers sent me fab pic of mum brushing someones hair)

but every day I battle with ''shall I visit tonight'' / or I can't do that on sat as need to see mum / or everytime I go shopping - will mum need that / like that'

I have battled with myself for ages whether to give up work & have mum move in with me...however, I love my job & I know from family members & a good friend who did this, its not the same, its very hard and at the mo when I see mum, its really lovely getting hugs goodbye at the door and having a laugh with her & the staff (not always...she does have her off days!)

spent most of last weekend with mum, but have a very bad cold at the moment & I KNOW I shouldn't go to see her, I'm full of cold, tired..but the guilt monster is eating away at me.

I am like this every week & weekend -if I don't see mum twice / three times in the week and at least once over the weekend I feel like I have let her down.... I know she won't remember that I'm there one hour to the next.. its just me.

I do have a brother -however, he can detatch himself from mum in a way I just can't seem to do.

thanks for reading -feel almost better for just typing away.

sas
x
You mum sounds happy and settled. Every minute you spend with her now is quality time to do nice things and you have peace of mind that she is looked after when you leave her. It may be a different story if you give up work and look after her full time. Stop beating yourself up abd feeling guilty and look forward to the shopping trips and days out while she is still able.
Not sure if that helps x x
 

saskia

Registered User
Aug 10, 2015
124
0
North Essex
You mum sounds happy and settled. Every minute you spend with her now is quality time to do nice things and you have peace of mind that she is looked after when you leave her. It may be a different story if you give up work and look after her full time. Stop beating yourself up abd feeling guilty and look forward to the shopping trips and days out while she is still able.
Not sure if that helps x x

of course it helps - thank you xx

(still battling with not going today -even though I have tissues stuffed up my nose - sorry tmi)!!
 

Lorna44

Registered User
Jul 16, 2016
229
0
Surrey
Bash that guilt monster on the head, your mum is happy and well looked after, you can now spend quality time with her while she can still appreciate it. Enjoy.
I wish I could still interact with my mum like you can, but mum can't really hold a conversation anymore....
Though I would avoid the home if you are unwell, it wouldn't be fair on your mum or other residents to pass on germs and bugs......
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Saskia, I haven't much time, but couldn't read and run. I will come back with a fuller reply later. Hold me to it so I don't forget!

First, don't go near the care home if you are at all unwell. Not only could you give your cold to your mum, but you could spread your germs to other residents and staff as well. The staff don't have time to get sick and the residents may well be more susceptible to colds and germs and you could make someone seriously ill. So please stay home until you are well, and call instead of visiting. I am sure they will thank you for not visiting when you tell them you're sick!

The rest of it is more complicated and I need more time than I have right now to address it, but I do know the feeling and I do know it's difficult and I'm sorry.

Stay home and look after yourself! Please!!!!!
 

saskia

Registered User
Aug 10, 2015
124
0
North Essex
Saskia, I haven't much time, but couldn't read and run. I will come back with a fuller reply later. Hold me to it so I don't forget!

First, don't go near the care home if you are at all unwell. Not only could you give your cold to your mum, but you could spread your germs to other residents and staff as well. The staff don't have time to get sick and the residents may well be more susceptible to colds and germs and you could make someone seriously ill. So please stay home until you are well, and call instead of visiting. I am sure they will thank you for not visiting when you tell them you're sick!

The rest of it is more complicated and I need more time than I have right now to address it, but I do know the feeling and I do know it's difficult and I'm sorry.

Stay home and look after yourself! Please!!!!!

I am! I will - promise! look forward to hearing from you later as i know you completely get what I mean!
(mum's fine - my brother has just spoke with her... apparently hasn't seen me for weeks...... :((

x
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
I haven’t got anything really constructive to add....I care for my OH at home. But, reading your post it occurred to me that you will be feeling more vulnerable to the guilt monster, because you are ill. It always makes you feel more down. Cosset yourself for a few days, pyjamas, hot water bottles, early nights, hot toddies...and you will have a lovely visit with Mum when you are better.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
Saskia, I read some of your older posts, I think you should reread them, your mum clearly needed care, and seems to have settled well.
Remember you are entitled to a life, job, outside pursuits, and it may sound cold but one day Mum will leave you, and you’ll need an “outside” life to help cope.
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
I understand all too well how it feels when the guilt monster gets you. However, you must not let it beat you up. Remember that you are doing what you can, your mum is settled, and you know she is safe whether you visit or not.

Only advice I can give is to be kinder to yourself. You need a balance of doing things for yourself as well as doing things (visits) for your mum. It's not going to change things for your mum if you don't visit quite so often. Look after yourself, and stick your fingers up at the guilt monster.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
Don't feel guilty, your mum is happy where she is so leave her there and if you want to go out on Saturday night. Go and enjoy yourself.
 

KJ49

Registered User
Jul 1, 2017
31
0
of course it helps - thank you xx

(still battling with not going today -even though I have tissues stuffed up my nose - sorry tmi)!!
Well that’s a good enough reason not to go.She probably won’t remember tomorrow that you didn’t go today anyway. X x
 

saskia

Registered User
Aug 10, 2015
124
0
North Essex
You are all spot on.

Sticking fingers up to the guilt monster...cos let's face it...he won't go away & I have to get stronger as mum is going to deteriorate & I'm sure some people would give their right arm to have their loved one smile & laugh with them like my mum still can...

Thank u

Keep strong ( says she!!)
Sas xx