whot to say that might help

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by vannesser, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. vannesser

    vannesser Registered User

    Apr 4, 2016
    after a good morning out .cam back with oh whent shopping witch was ok . <2 grown ups 1 child aged 8> in back of car just talking and winding each other up when all of a sudden oh told them all to shut up and said he was sick of them so when home thay did normal thing by going up out is way.
    THEN A LITTLE WILE LATER HE WAS CRYING SAYING HE WAS USLES AND HE UPSET EVERY ONE I told him there ok and not to wore I made tea he then came in to me crying again saying he wonted to die and he wonted his mum how died 39 year ago. I told him not to talk like that but he said it would be better for us all .

    I don't no why .this happened ,he as been upset along time ago but as never spock abought his mum for years so why know, I did say we don't wont to loos him but he said he knows but he wonts to die this all happened at 7 tonight he as not said mutch since.had his tea and watching tv like nothing as happened .AS ENYONE ELSE HAD THIS AND WHOT TO DO ABOUGHT IT I FEEL REALY UPSET AS I DONT NO WHY as all this past 2 week things have been fine if you get my meaning
  2. Szaitisja

    Szaitisja Registered User

    Jul 28, 2018
    Hello. I'm sorry you had to go through such difficult experience and that you are upset. It can be so unpredictable with this disease sometimes and difficult to know what to do at times. I hope some of out members with more experience will be online soon and maybe someone will be able to give practical advice if they dealt with similar problem. I haven't dealt with anything similar as yet so can't offer much. Just thought and virtual hugs if you think they might help
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @vannesser

    What your OH is going through now is quite usual in many people with dementia. They go back to the time of their childhood and want to be with people who have long since died, like their mother and father. They also want to go home to the home of their childhood.

    Its very hard to deal with because no explanation will work. Also if you tell a person with dementia their mother died, they may think it is new news and be very upset.

    Many people try to make excuses by saying we will try to visit tomorrow or we will write a letter or the phone is out of order.

    You can only do what you think best.
  4. malomm

    malomm Registered User

    Hi Vannesser, In these sort of situations I try things like 'I saw your dad whilst I was out shopping, said he was busy, but might pop round later' or 'your mum tried phoning but the line was busy, and she'll try later'. AfIter a few minutes all forgotten, and back to 'normal'. It looks like you're encountering a new phase, and my heart goes out to you with a virtual hug.
    Try and keep strong, and smile if you can.
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Hi Vanesser. It sounds like your OH is aware of his condition, at least some of the time? Maybe he's also aware that it's having an affect on the family, and knows that things are going to get worse. Depression can go hand in hand with dementia, and it may be worth having a chat with his doctor to see if this might be the case with your OH. And meanwhile, just do your best to keep reassuring him, as you are doing.
  6. BSN

    BSN Registered User

    Oct 1, 2017
    Oh I really do feel for you. It’s frightening and so upsetting to see someone go through such torment.

    My partner has Frontotemporal Dementia, a form that affects her behaviour, rather than memory - broadly speaking, and she is prone to saying the same thing often.

    Every time she struggles to do something she previously could, she gets down and starts getting agitated. She has recently become doubly incontinent and so her dark thoughts have become much more pronounced.

    She tries to smoke excessively, in the hope (her hope) that she dies of cancer and drink excessively to blot out her sadness.

    She has also started to harm herself by drinking vinegar and cutting her wrists.

    All this said I see a sadness in her but not a real intent to die. The wrist cutting episode seemed a bit half hearted - if it can ever be thus.

    I don’t have any helpful suggestions I’m afraid but for what it’s worth these are some of the things I tried -

    I would always try and be one step ahead of what may upset her and would deal with it. So tieing up shoelaces for her as an example, before she had a chance to struggle.

    I would try and distract her with things she enjoyed - hot chocolate and sweets mostly.

    I try and make sure she is around other people as much as possible. She is very sociable and enjoys company.

    She has just been sectioned under the mental health act and the plan is for her to go into a care home upon discharge. She is in hospital predominantly so that she is safe and is not endangering herself but also that her medication can be reviewed. I wonder if your GP could help with this? Our hope is that a better balance of medication can help her feel a little better.

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s dreadful.
  7. vannesser

    vannesser Registered User

    Apr 4, 2016
    thank you for repliyin
  8. vannesser

    vannesser Registered User

    Apr 4, 2016
    thank you for reply and he dose have a pill that's for depreshion and helps hid some feelings he as

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