Who to trust

[Alora]

Hi again

i hope everyone is well.

I was a long ti,me poster from 2014 to 2020 until i moved away.. I received loads of support from some lovely people here who did their very best to help me but my problem was never really resolved So I had no choice but to move for my sanity.

ive been apart from my very elderly mum for over a year, (I visit her every month) I had counselling, lost my relationship with two of my children but have won two of them back In my life. I’m working hard to be a good mother to them. I now realise that I have mental health problems which I’m working on but I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. I had severe depression whilst caring for my mum (I lived next door to her - there was no else to help me) . She has mental heakth problems - forgetfulness, delusions…senile dementia.

my mother refuses to see her doctor and spends her days sleeping and watching tv. She has given complete control of her finances to my brother 9although we are both lpas). Who seems to control evertyhing in our mums life. She has no care and relies on my brother who runs her life from his home, he calls her every week and visits twice a year,

when I dpesk to my brother he says that our mum doesn’t want or need any care (she’s 96!) and is happy for her to spend day affter day vegetating in front of the tv or sleeping. My mum is wealthy and has more enough money for care but he appears not to want to spend her money. For someone to call in every week to check in her, cook her a meal and do her rubbish.


I looked out for my mum from 2012 to 2020 with very little help or support with her refusing any outside support or help - the burden was too much for me but, for some reason no -one seemed to understand…except here.

I find it frustrating that mum has all this money which is not being used to make her life easier, when I see my brother I see my dad keeping my mum short of money. My father left my mum well provided for and I’m sure he would not want her to be in this way.

in august 2020 we had a major family meeting with my mum accusing me of wanting to take her money (I was trying to get my brother to agree to outside help!) and my brother threatening to call a solicitor to help my mum remove me as the other lpa. i caved in to save the relationsj]hip I had with my mum and I moved away.

now my brother runs everything (from call blocking on my mum’s phone and deciding what gifts mum devides to give to me. She is very wealthy and I’ll get an email from my brother telling me mum has made a gift of money to me. I’d rather she had care but I have no say in this, despite being the other lpa.

my brother says that he mums finances as our father would have but, as the other lpa I have no say, nor access to mum’s finances to srranhe outside help for mum. I just get told that this is not want mum wants yet she doesn’t know what day it is, mont or year.. It’s obvious she has dementia and needs help but my brother seems to be blocking any avenue of help for her,

overvthe past year mum has developed a large scab on her face and it looks like skin cancer to me and my two daughters are very concerned. Mum also hasn’t cut her toenails for years - they are very long - her feet are blue and cold. She is frail, unsteady on her feet, poor eyesight and bad hearing. After much persuation Mum agreed for me to contact her go to arrange a visit (she’s housebound) to her home. It’s taken a long time to build mum’s trust in me which seemed to have been destroyed. I was elated when she asked my opinion about her facial problem and agreed d]for me to speak to her go.

How has it come to this? how can my brother do this? be in charge of half a million pounds and not spend it on his mum? Or is it mums fear of doctors unher from my father? All I know that I’m ‘piggy in the middle’ trying to do the best for my mum.

I just don’t understand how my brother can see his mu like this and not realise she needs care?

ive messaged mums GP and will try to be there if mum gets a visit.

any advice or thoughts would much appreciated.




I did contact the Court of Protection but there is nothing they can do - suggested family mediation but my mother would not consider.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Alora

If your mother is at risk it might be better for you to contact adult social services to tell them your mother is a vulnerable adult and you need help on her behalf.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Alora from experience I suspect that your brother is protecting his inheritance which appears to be a common thing. I would say that you need to put your foot down and get the Social services/Local authority involved as your mother is clearly in need of help but I can see that this is difficult for you due to your past experiences with your brother. Perhaps your daughters could do this for you or even a neighbour although it would be better if it came from you.

I would not worry about upsetting your brother as he clearly does not mind upsetting you and your relationship with him is likely to end when your mother dies and he gets his inheritance.

If your brother only sees your mum twice a year he is in no position to judge how her health is or whether she needs care or not. Do your very best to be there when her doctor calls and make sure that he sees how your mum is living and make sure that he knows that you have joint POA If you don't have POA for Health and Welfare then your brother will have no say in whatever treatments her GP recommends.

I hope you get somewhere with this as your mums health is important.

 

[canary]

It is difficult to understand why your brother is not organising care for your mum.
He may be trying to protect his inheritance, but I do wonder whether he is simply trying to do what his mum wants. You said she refused any outside support and I shouldnt think that this has changed. You see what your mum needs, but he may be solely guided by what she says she wants. It is a difficult path and many people find the transition from enabling their wants to enforcing their needs difficult.

I hope the doctors visit brings results, but be aware that it may not. If your mum is deemed to have capacity then doctors, Social Services etc will deem that she has the right to make "unwise choices" to refuse carers and other outside help. We have several members on here who have had to step back because their parent refused all help. Quite often it takes a crisis for people to get the care they need.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Your brother is a controlling bully and from what you say, he's been like this for years. (Probably forever.) My brother took a similar tack, not over mum's care as he was happy for me to do that, but over her finances. He justified this saying my mother and late father had always been open with him about their finances and made him promise he'd never discuss it with me! In fact, he had a very distant relationship with my mother and she found him 'difficult'. She discussed money with me every time I saw her (and with my boyfriend who she greatly respected) and was always showing me her HMRC letters, bank statements and her will. AND she made us joint PoA at least 10 years before she got dementia.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him - he was scrupulously honest as he liked to be seen to be doing the right thing. But we had a huge fallout over it till I told him he left me no choice but to report him to the OPG for denying me access to mum's financial info. I'm glad to say he caved in the end but the point is, you're in exactly the same situation. You are PoA for your mum and have as much right to be looking after her money as him.

You mum's capacity seems to fluctuate but she clearly has no understanding of her needs and in that situation, you have to take over and make sure she is safe, clean, fed and looked after. If I was you I would get your daughters onside and confront your brother about mum's care together. If he only sees her twice a year he doesn't have a clue what her day to day life is really like. I appreciate your mum is unco-operative about carers and your brother seems to encourage this. But she clearly needs considerable help. Who does her cleaning/shopping and cooks her meals?

It's going to be hard but you will have to stand up to your brother over this, otherwise, you're just waiting for something bad to happen.

 

[Alora]

Hello canary, grannie g, jaded and faded and duggies girl.

I can’t believe I’m back here again but thank you so much for your help and guidance.

I know my daughters would help me as they are just as worried as I am about their nanna and angry with their uncle (whom they’ve not seen for years). i think it’s a good idea to ask them to help but this task is down to me to be strong fir mum’s sake, even if she doesn’t want it. Perhaps if I make headway with the GP and my brother gets involved ‘ i may get my girls onside for support.

I don’t think I’ll ever know my brother’s true motives and I suspect he is being prodded by my sister -in law who keeps very much in the background.

I will contact social care again (this is the fourth time!) - it finished last time in June 2020 with social care giving up as mum wouldnt answer the phone (call blocking installed by my brother soon after). I was told by social care that ‘your brother is the aggressor’.…read into that what you think.

I don’t like drawing attention to myself. Contacting the GP and social care I find embarrassing because I don’t have the support from my family, except my daughters. I feel I’m just stirring up trouble yet again. My brother and mum make me feel that I’m being a nuisance and interfering.

I’m going to do the referal to social care now but - as Canary rightly said - I dont hold out much hope. My brother holds all the cards.

thank you once again fir your time and advice



.