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[SarahJS]

Hello
This question has probably been posted before numerous times. My 89yr old Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2017. Last week she was taken in to a local care home because we no longer feel it’s safe for her to be at home on her own. She has rung several times (one of the Carers makes the call for her) and she’s quite venomous towards my sister and me. Of course, it’s impossible to make her understand that she’s not safe at home, that only last week she agreed with the doctor that she’d like to go there, that its impossible to visit at the moment etc etc etc.
It is distressing to hear her speak this way. The conversation goes round and round in circles. I just don’t know how to handle the phone calls. She’s been a wonderful Mum and would have been distraught to know that one day she’d make me feel this way. I don’t know how to respond to her. Any suggestions please? Or any ideas of medical or mental health professionals who could advise me.
Thank you.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @SarahJS . I'm sorry that your mum is being like this. It's very hard to deal with. It can take quite a while for people to settle in to the care home environment. Care homes often use a short term medication to help new residents settle, so that may be worth asking about if your mum is very distressed. Do you know how she is when you are not talking to her? Often, people find that their loved one seems perfectly happy at other times.

The best thing, in my view, is probably to shift the "blame" onto someone else and make it sound like a temporary thing. For example, tell your mum that she hasn't been too well recently and the doctor has said she is to stay there until she is better. You can call it a convalescent home, rather than a care home which is often more acceptable. It's hard for you not being able to visit but care homes do often say that it can help new residents to settle if they have no family visits for a while. It sounds awfully harsh but apparently can work. My early visits were horrendous, so it might be better all round, to be honest.

Tweaks in medication can be very beneficial so it's worth asking the manager about that if your mum doesn't settle in the next few weeks. Good luck.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Perhaps you should ask the carers not to assist your Mum with the calls as it is upsetting both you and her?

 

[SarahJS]

T

Hello @SarahJS . I'm sorry that your mum is being like this. It's very hard to deal with. It can take quite a while for people to settle in to the care home environment. Care homes often use a short term medication to help new residents settle, so that may be worth asking about if your mum is very distressed. Do you know how she is when you are not talking to her? Often, people find that their loved one seems perfectly happy at other times.

The best thing, in my view, is probably to shift the "blame" onto someone else and make it sound like a temporary thing. For example, tell your mum that she hasn't been too well recently and the doctor has said she is to stay there until she is better. You can call it a convalescent home, rather than a care home which is often more acceptable. It's hard for you not being able to visit but care homes do often say that it can help new residents to settle if they have no family visits for a while. It sounds awfully harsh but apparently can work. My early visits were horrendous, so it might be better all round, to be honest.

Tweaks in medication can be very beneficial so it's worth asking the manager about that if your mum doesn't settle in the next few weeks. Good luck.

 

[SarahJS]

Thank you, I’ll try out your suggestions

 

[Shedrech]

hello @SarahJS
a warm welcome to DTP

it can sometimes help a new resident to settle if there's a break from contact with family for a few days, so the resident, your mum, can get used to the new environment and being looked after by the staff .... partly it's to help with the situation you're encountering
so I too suggest you ask the staff not to aid your mum to make any calls ... I'm sure they will have ways to distract her ... it could be that they are reluctantto say no given the little contact family members have at the moment

unfortunately, the calls are not good for you and for your mum are reinforcing her negative feelings, so breaking that habit will be positive for both of you

maybe you could send her some cards or letters so she has some pleasant 'contact' from you, and knows you are thinking of her, but she can't 'bite back'

do, as mentioned, ask the staff how your mum is generally ... it's sadly not unusual for negatives to be thrown at the family, when actually the person is settled when family aren't around (not the same, but feels like the toddler tantrums and teenage push back)

I am not at all sure that ".Care homes often use a short term medication to help new residents settle" @lemonbalm it certainly wasn't a protocol used in my dad's home .... though I agree that a regular meds review helps if a person becomes overly anxious and agitated

 

[lemonbalm]

hello @SarahJS
a warm welcome to DTP

it can sometimes help a new resident to settle if there's a break from contact with family for a few days, so the resident, your mum, can get used to the new environment and being looked after by the staff .... partly it's to help with the situation you're encountering
so I too suggest you ask the staff not to aid your mum to make any calls ... I'm sure they will have ways to distract her ... it could be that they are reluctantto say no given the little contact family members have at the moment

unfortunately, the calls are not good for you and for your mum are reinforcing her negative feelings, so breaking that habit will be positive for both of you

maybe you could send her some cards or letters so she has some pleasant 'contact' from you, and knows you are thinking of her, but she can't 'bite back'

do, as mentioned, ask the staff how your mum is generally ... it's sadly not unusual for negatives to be thrown at the family, when actually the person is settled when family aren't around (not the same, but feels like the toddler tantrums and teenage push back)

I am not at all sure that ".Care homes often use a short term medication to help new residents settle" @lemonbalm it certainly wasn't a protocol used in my dad's home .... though I agree that a regular meds review helps if a person becomes overly anxious and agitated

Perhaps I didn't phrase that very well. I shouldn't give the impression that care-homes hand out tranquilizers willy-nilly to new residents. I should have said that, in my experience, a med's review can be beneficial if the person with dementia is extremely distressed in their new environment and is unable to settle despite the best efforts of the care home staff.