Who to contact first when you feel you have reached crisis point?

[Helen10]

Does anyone have advice on who to contact first when you feel you have reached crisis point? And what to do next? I can’t cope any more and I’m unsure what to do next/first. In fact, I can’t think straight at all. Sorry for blurting that out on here. I have had enough.
Hx

 

[Donkeyshere]

Hi Helen from another Helen, please just tell us what has happened so we can help, don't feel you have to apologise ever on this site X

 

[Woo2]

Can you call the helpline ? I’m not sure what time they close sorry , also I found the Admiral Nurse amazing . I have to go outside in the garden and silently scream and shout . It is very tough going . We are here and listening .

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Helen10

there should be emergency contact details for Adult Services on the website of your Local Authority .... let them know that you are at carer burnout and simply cannot continue ... say you cannot provide the care needed at all and fear that as you can't this is a safeguarding issue and the LA have the duty of care to ensure suitable support is provided and must step in ... suggest respite or for the move to residential care to be brought forward

I think you have a social worker involved already so follow up tomorrow by contacting them and saying the same thing ... if they try to fob you off ask for their manager

also tell your GP that you are at breakdown and need help yourself, so they are clear that this is about your health and welfare first ... and the safety of your mum

do call the support line to talk with someone in real time

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

and Admiral Nurses are there to support the carer

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Call or email our Dementia Helpline/Alzheimer's Helpline for reassuring and practical advice from our specialist team of Admiral Nurses.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Helen10, @Shedrech has given you some great advice. If you feel your mother is putting you and your family in immediate danger by her behaviour do call 999. I know you have tried hard to keep her calm and at home, but her needs are far too complex for you to manage on your own.
You have reached carer breakdown so wholeheartedly agree with calling your GP to talk about your welfare tomorrow.

 

[Janie M]

Hi @Helen10 i second what @Shedrech says. I’ve been in same position, please please don’t hold back on saying how you feel. No reason to feel bad or anything, big hugs to you and please let us know how you get on. It’s good to talk xx

 

[Helen10]

Mum is (relatively)calm tonight. It is me who has lost the plot.

Cannot come to terms and reconcile in my head how I have failed my family.
Hx

 

[None the Wiser]

@Helen10 I know exactly how you feel. One day you are past breaking point, and really can’t go on another moment, then the next day all is reasonably calm. I‘ve made a great big fuss and feel really guilty, and of course I can carry on....... until it happens again, and again, and again.

 

[Helen10]

@Helen10 I know exactly how you feel. One day you are past breaking point, and really can’t go on another moment, then the next day all is reasonably calm. I‘ve made a great big fuss and feel really guilty, and of course I can carry on....... until it happens again, and again, and again.

Thank you. I can’t carry on. I have failed. X

 

[Shedrech]

@Helen10 you haven't failed ... dementia is an impossible task master, it robs the person and their family of so much, and messes with our minds so we can't see the wood for the trees, forests, logs planks and goodness knows what else
we are each of us only human and can only do and take so much, yet we expect more of ourselves, then feel bad because we can't meet those impossible expectations
it hurts so bad that we can't fix our parent and make everything good for them
the horrible, sad, crushing fact is that dementia will take everything and chew us up
please, cut yourself some slack ... you are human, you're a caring daughter and your mum of old would be proud of all you have done for her and that you are standing by her and your dad
I know this may all sound trite and of little comfort right at this moment ... just maybe trust us that you will come through and be able to see how much you have done rather than what you (and everyone) can't do
I hope you get some sleep tonight

 

[jennifer1967]

how have you failed. you havent. you have just hit a bit of a wall and its hard to see past it. you have nothing to apologize for. the advice you have been given is brilliant and so supportive. so see if you can reach out to the support through the phone lines and be a bit gentle on yourself. its got me through so very tough times. its good to talk and the members on the forum have got so much experience and they are always generous with their support

 

[TNJJ]

Thank you. I can’t carry on. I have failed. X

Hi! You haven’t failed. I care for my dad with Vascular Dementia. I don’t live with him.
I have found when you have dealt with one problem another one crops up. There is only so much 1 person can do. As much as we love them we cannot make it better. I have been caring for dad since Jan 2016 and it has been hard.It is getting no better. Yes , I feel guilty.But I cannot change anything.
You also have a husband and a family who need you as well. In all of this don’t forget yourself and your needs. As carers we usually do. ((( hugs)))

 

[Woo2]

Hope you have managed to speak to someone and get some advice and possibly a plan forward for you all .

 

[Helen10]

Thanks everyone. I have spoken to the Dementia Connect support line and they have advised I speak to mum’s social worker and emphasise the risk of carer breakdown. I have also done an online referral to my GP and am waiting for them to call me back. I am also waiting to hear back from mum’s social worker.

Thank you all for your care and concern, I really don’t deserve it Hx

 

[Shedrech]

of course you deserve our support @Helen10
we're here for each other

 

[Woo2]

So glad you have managed to speak to people , let’s hope you don’t have to wait too long for some calls back and something put in to action . You really DO deserve compassion and kindness and help and support , the same as you have given to your parents . Please be gentle with yourself . Hugs sent ? X

 

[lemonbalm]

I'm glad that you have reached out for more help, Helen. You certainly do deserve all our care and concern. You have given much (too much) and it is time for you to look after yourself, not just the rest of the family. It sometimes takes a bit of a crisis to see that. Jx

 

[Bunpoots]

Of course we care @Helen10 - it’s what this forum’s all about. I do hope you get the support you need soon.

 

[karaokePete]

I agree with what everyone has said here @Helen10

Almost 2 years ago I reached a serious point with my wife's care and was having full blown panic attacks. I contacted my GP and Social Services and told them, in full detail, how I couldn't cope with the situation and that as it was they who had the legal duty of care towards my wife they could take her away and put her in Timbuktu for all I cared. Some members may recall that up to that point I was a volunteer host on the forum but I had to push that aside as part of the healing process.

Both the GP and Social services waded in with assistance and our situation was improved beyond expectations. In all honesty, it was a real life saver and our lives are now so much better. My wife gets Day Care and I get the break that that provides. Dementia still generates the usual daily mayhem but I am able to cope(mostly!) and we are both happy.

 

[Helen10]

Well today it feels like we have had all moods in one day. Maybe in the last hour alone. Trying to get out, throwing her coat and bag, swearing, telling dad and I how rubbish we are, shouting at inanimate objects, crying and now she has just said thanks and sorry. ? she now has her head in her hands.

Am waiting for my dr and social worker to call me back. Social worker has already called and said they have a place for mum from early next week but it’s in the place where last year she couldn’t cope and she ended up getting arrested and how will they cope any differently this year. Am not sure how we will get through the weekend like this.

Thank you all for your kind words, ideas and suggestions. Just waiting for the relevant people to get back to me.
Hx