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Who to contact first when you feel you have reached crisis point?

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
107
0
It might be worth speaking to Mind to see if they can help - i used a Mental Health advocate for my mum when in hospital and I didn't feel strong enough to do what needed to be done and they were really helpful.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
107
0
@Frank24 -do you mean to convince social services we can’t cope?
To help you communicate with them and get support. I had the reverse problem when I used one as I was trying to get my mum home out of hospital but I found it invaluable. I know Mind offer a service where they will advocate for you in social services meetings and doctors meetings if you struggling with your mental health and need support. I had such a positive experience with it - it makes social workers etc sit up and do things properly. And you can't be fobbed off. I think it would be worth a call to Mind to see what is possible as your not being heard and approaching carer breakdown. I've been there and its a miserable place to be and its impossible to fight for yourself when your feeling so low...
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,643
0
To help you communicate with them and get support. I had the reverse problem when I used one as I was trying to get my mum home out of hospital but I found it invaluable. I know Mind offer a service where they will advocate for you in social services meetings and doctors meetings if you struggling with your mental health and need support. I had such a positive experience with it - it makes social workers etc sit up and do things properly. And you can't be fobbed off. I think it would be worth a call to Mind to see what is possible as your not being heard and approaching carer breakdown. I've been there and its a miserable place to be and its impossible to fight for yourself when your feeling so low...
I so agree with Frank24. Carer breakdown is fairly widespread. Consider telling them you are in carer breakdown and it is literally impossible for you to cope, Social workers have a brief to keep people with dementia at home, their brief is to follow the least restrictive option for the PWD. Not to mention the financial issues. Of course you matter, but I know how easy it is to conclude we don’t. All strength to you, you are such a lovely human being.
Warmest. Kindred
 

Kevin R

New member
Mar 9, 2021
2
0
Hi Helen, I joined this forum so I could reply to you.

the worst part of all this, is the toll it can take on us carers.

something I think is important, is for us to differentiate between “crisis“ and “chronic“.

there are times when the worry and the anxiety that comes with being a carer can feel so overwhelming and hopeless, but for me, those times are often because I’m treating the “chronic” as a “crisis“.

when we have space to “worry”, it’s usually in the quiet moments often after a “crisis” moment, and our worry just prolongs the pain.

I remind myself that the crisis (for now) has passed, there will be another one, but not right now.

we want to be perfect as carers, 9 times out of 10, I am, I’m patient, kind, thoughtful, strong, but all of that can be undone when I “fail”, when I react badly, am not patient, am unkind, am weak.

we will have those moments, and they too will pass. We are only human, and it’s ok to find this really really hard...because it is.

I know this is a bit rambling, but I think it’s important for us a carers to understand that this journey is one of moments, it’s chronic, but not always crisis.

I really hope the support you need will come soon, and while you are waiting, you are amongst friends here. This is a road well trodden, we are not the first, nor the last, and I gives me great comfort to know that there are many on the same journey with me.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
Dad also in tears. He can hardly speak about it. He has just said he is worried that the shock of her going back into the same home may well kill her. Am I divulging you much on here? I’m so sorry everyone x
Let it all out Helen, it's not you, it's not your Dad, it's not your Mum, it's dementia. We all get it, the silent screaming, feeling alone and like you've failed. You've will never fail anyone if you care about your Mum and do what you can for her, even if that is moving her to a home. If that is the best thing to do for her then so be it, it isn't failure, it takes a great deal of strength to admit you can do no more.
I truly hope you and you family get the help you all need.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
107
0
I think your right @Kaths.... when you have put everything you have in trying to keep in all going and all the balls in the air when you realise you can't do it any longer that is almost the hardest time. In my experience anyway. It is a bit of a uphill battle. When the social worker took one look at me and saw my mum, and knew id done everything possible and the impossible sometimes to keep my mum at home she could see it needed to happen. When I met her again at the first review she didn't recognise me in fact. Helen - if your Mum was well - she wouldnt want you to be doing this to yourself. I was never a natural "carer" probably because I cared SO much that like you, I took it out on myself if it wasn't always 100 per cent perfect. I think the hardest thing is accepting and deciding what needs to happen next, and getting support to help you get it all in place. Please call Mind and explain your circumstances. This is all too hard and worried about your Dad too.... but in my experience once I hit rock bottom things did start to get better slowly.
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
92
0
@Helen10 am I right in thinking that you're trying to do a job as well as caring for a family AND looking after your Mum? If so, I suggest you contact your doctor and ask for a sick note for yourself. I started to fall to bits when it became clear that Mum had some form of dementia and a month away from work really did help.
Not withstanding caring for mum, dad and the kids, my job this week was full on and I had worked a 60 hr week by Thursday.
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
98
0
@Helen10 am I right in thinking that you're trying to do a job as well as caring for a family AND looking after your Mum? If so, I suggest you contact your doctor and ask for a sick note for yourself. I started to fall to bits when it became clear that Mum had some form of dementia and a month away from work really did help.

I am working full time yes. More often than not I’m doing 50-60 hrs a week
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
98
0
Hi Helen, I joined this forum so I could reply to you.

the worst part of all this, is the toll it can take on us carers.

something I think is important, is for us to differentiate between “crisis“ and “chronic“.

there are times when the worry and the anxiety that comes with being a carer can feel so overwhelming and hopeless, but for me, those times are often because I’m treating the “chronic” as a “crisis“.

when we have space to “worry”, it’s usually in the quiet moments often after a “crisis” moment, and our worry just prolongs the pain.

I remind myself that the crisis (for now) has passed, there will be another one, but not right now.

we want to be perfect as carers, 9 times out of 10, I am, I’m patient, kind, thoughtful, strong, but all of that can be undone when I “fail”, when I react badly, am not patient, am unkind, am weak.

we will have those moments, and they too will pass. We are only human, and it’s ok to find this really really hard...because it is.

I know this is a bit rambling, but I think it’s important for us a carers to understand that this journey is one of moments, it’s chronic, but not always crisis.

I really hope the support you need will come soon, and while you are waiting, you are amongst friends here. This is a road well trodden, we are not the first, nor the last, and I gives me great comfort to know that there are many on the same journey with me.

Thank you for taking the time to join just to respond to me!!

I agree with your thoughts
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
98
0
Thanks again everyone.

Spoken to SW again this afternoon. She was very rude. She questioned my ability as a parent and a carer. She made me feel woefully inadequate once again. Still no end in sight.

I saw the useful information on Mind and will give them a call. Am just about to call admiral nurses now after finishing sorting kids out.

😢
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,932
0
I'm so sorry you've reached an impasse with the social worker. I'm sure that others will be along with some practical suggestions very shortly but here are some hugs to keep you going {{{@helen10}}}
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
98
0
I'm so sorry you've reached an impasse with the social worker. I'm sure that others will be along with some practical suggestions very shortly but here are some hugs to keep you going {{{@helen10}}}

Thanks @Sarasa

When I spoke to the SW last week she seemed to genuinely care. She said she would call me yesterday (she didn’t). She said she would arrange for us to meet so I could discuss with someone how I was feeling (she hasn’t). Today when I said I can’t guarantee that I can keep myself and the children and dad safe, she told me I have a duty of care to look after my own children (Thought I was by telling her that). Seemingly superwoman is expected at all times. I asked what would happen if I got in my car and drove off and didn’t return. She said well mum wouldn’t necessarily need to move and we would see if your dad and husband could cope. No words. Absolutely no words.
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
98
0
Actually I do have a lot of words but they are all choice!! Came off the phone and just cried and cried. How useless am I?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,953
0
Bedford
Thanks again everyone.

Spoken to SW again this afternoon. She was very rude. She questioned my ability as a parent and a carer. She made me feel woefully inadequate once again. Still no end in sight.

I saw the useful information on Mind and will give them a call. Am just about to call admiral nurses now after finishing sorting kids out.

😢
I am so sorry that the SW was rude and made you feel like that. Nobody should be made to feel like that :mad: You are definitely not useless.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
617
0
South east
You’re not useless, the SW is. She’s totally unprofessional.
A long hours job and 2 children is enough of a challenge, let alone also caring for a PWD who is agitated.
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
98
0
Feeling very low and inadequate tonight. Told that not only I’m not caring for mum but kids too 😢
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
609
0
Very unprofessional of social worker. I think she thought it would be easy to put your mum in respite and therefore she was nice in Friday. Now she had probably realised that your mums behaviour is such that finding a suitable home will be hard and costly. Much easier to take it out on you and tell you it’s your fault!
It’s not your fault...it’s dementia!