1. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Here we go again, the start of another sleepless night, Why? Who knows?
    Maybe its guilt, confussion, doubts, sadness or just a need to try to sort my head out! (not an easy task)

    What is it that keeps drawing me to this site? Comfort, company, empathy or just knowing that others might know how i feel?

    What is it that keeps me going to the hospital twice a day? is it guilt, love, a need to know he can't forget me for long if i'm there, maybe its just a need to have my stomach ripped out twice a day, or maybe just a need to know i'll be there to mop the odd tear that sometimes rolls down his cheek, who the hell knows?????????

    Why do i have a need to tell him how much i love him, even though he thinks i'm a stranger?

    Why do i keep telling him i'm o.k. when i'm not? Maybe its because he still looks like the person who once cared whether i was o.k.

    Why do i keep telling him every thing will work out alright in the end? Maybe its because he's still here, but his dreams have gone. Maybe its because he does not seem to care about anything anymore, maybe because he seems empty of feelings and too tired to care.

    Why do i want to ask him to forgive me when he can't remember what he's lost?
    Who the hell knows?

    Why can't i find the words to tell him whats going on in my head? Maybe its because they build up in my throat and choke me, maybe its because he can't understand more than a couple of sentences, maybe its because he thinks i'm just a worker at the hospital, so why burden him?

    Why do i sit in my car and cry everytime he tells me to leave? Maybe its because he's not the same man who used to love me more than anything.

    Why do i feel so negative about everything? Maybe its because nothing seems to make any sense, maybe its because i don't know what the future holds anymore!

    Why do i still hurt as much, when i should know better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Why does God keep putting HIM through this? Is there a God? I don't know, i don't seem to know the answer to anything anymore, maybe i'm just too tired to care, who knows?

    Does any of this make any sense? who the bloody hell cares anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello Alex

    I have not got all the answers you need, but here is how I cope, most of the time anyway.

    I have, unlike you, had 6 years to come to the point I am at now, Mum has no idea who I am most of the time, seems to have no concept of past, present or future and doesn't understand a lot of things that I say, she is slowly fading away from us.

    I visit because she is still my Mum, I still know her, I share past memories with her which she has no apparent recollection of, but enjoys the stories anyway.

    I try so hard not to think of what we have lost, it is too painful. I try to make our time together as relaxed and happy as possible, usually it works, sometimes it goes horribly wrong, I have learned to roll with the punches and not think too much.

    I have had many a sleepless night going through things in my mind, but have decided that if I can't change a situation then I just have to make the best of it.

    Guilt and worry always lurk in the background, but I try to keep them at bay and that is where this site is such a wonderful place. Any time, day or night there is someone who understands something you have to say or can answer or empathise with the thousands of questions that pop into our heads.

    You are still in shock at the events that have hit you both so suddenly, you need time to adjust and get your breath back, be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

    Thinking of you both

  3. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    My thoughts


    Hey Alex, recognise my own sleepless night's thoughts in your post..

    You and I are sleepless because we have all these emotions that we can't seem to let out anywhere that is appropriate...they don't make sense to us, who have always been so logical, those of us who are used to being able to see a problem, think about it logically and fix it...we can't fix this, and it doesn't matter how many times we think about it, how many angles we come at it from...we just can't solve it, thus can't get rid of all this confusion and hurt. None of it makes sense, and what, we ask ourselves, meaning can life have if there is no sense to it all? So we keep on asking ourselves the questions because we need to have an answer...else life becomes meaningless...which is even worse, because then Dad is going through all this pain for nothing!

    Thats what talking point is for, as well as all those other things that you mentioned...its like a notebook, where you can pen down all your workings for this problem, in the hopes that once they're down on paper (or virtual paper in this case) you might understand them easier, or better yet, someone else here, might be able to tell you the answer because they've already worked that one out....

    Am here Alex anytime you need to chat...every word you said, I have felt the same. Just wanted to let you know that.
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    It makes a huge load of sense.

    And I care.

    And I know I'm not the only one around here that cares and wants to be here for you.

    Just sending a huge hug for now...

    Love, Karen, x
  5. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    I wish I had all the answers, I don't. I can only understand some of what your are going through and have great sympathy for the rest. This is posted on my computer and I read it often. Gets me through the day, so hope it will help you to.

    GOD, grant me the serenity
    to accept the things
    I cannot change,

    Courage to change the

    things I can, and the
    wisdom to know the difference.

    Living ONE DAY AT A TIME

    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardship as the
    pathway to peace.

    Taking as He did, this

    sinful world as it is,
    not as I would have it.

    Trusting that He will make

    all things right if I
    surrender to His Will;

    That I amy be reasonably happy

    in this life, and supremely
    happy with Him forever in
    the next. Amen.

    Reinhold Neibuhr - 1926
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Alex, just to say I am another one 'who cares', as I am sure all on TP do.

    We cannot ease your burden, but we are always hear to listen and emphasise.

    Love and hugs,
  7. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    I care and understand. Having had the experience I still have not got the answers.
  8. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004

    ...because you are full of love

    The most painful of all emotions
  9. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Putting things into perspective

    Hi everyone

    Thanks for all the messages.

    I find it hard to accept things as i suppose i've always been a bit of a fighter and if there is something i don't like, i set about trying to change it, yet with this, i can't seem to do anything to make it any better, or any easier to live with.

    Sorry for sounding so down, like him, i have good days and bad. (I know you all must)

    When i first discovered this site a couple of months ago, i read the stories and to be perfectly honest, i was horrified. I used to think "Its not the same for us, we won't end up like this, his memory will come back to normal, its just because he has been so ill" but as time went on i realised it was the same, the things that people were writing about were the same and i started to realise that i was in the same boat and it was slowly sinking! Maybe thats what keeps drawing me back, knowing we are all in the same boat.

    I asked a friend of ours who is a Consultant and is used to dealing with people who are dying, why God can sometimes be so cruel, his answer seemed to make sense, he said "maybe God knows how much you love Ray and decided it would be more cruel to just take him suddenly, he is doing it this way to give you more time to adjust to being without him" Who knows?

    I had lunch with a friend yesterday who told me that her friend (who i have met a couple of times, long time back) he is married with 3 young children, his wife has been suffering with A.D. for some years now, so he has been looking after her and the children. He was diagnoised with male cancer of the breast some time back. All treatments have failed and he is unsure how long he has left to live. His only concern is what will happen to his wife and children when he is not around to look after them!
    Its things like this that help me put my life into perspective and realise there are a lot of people worse off than me. With that in mind, i promise to try to be more positive. (I hope!)

    Thanks again for your support.
    Alex :)
  10. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hi Alex, you don't have to put on any feelings which aren't genuine to come & post on here - that's one of the reasons it's such a wonderful forum. You can come on here & 'dump' a whole build up of negative feelings, knowing that TP readers will understand that need.

    With regard to the Consultant's comment, I am sure it was meant kindly but - for me - I wish God would just take my Mum with a nice, kind, massive heart attack.
  11. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005

    I second what Lynne has said! TP is the one place where we're not 'showing a brave face' to the world/family/work colleagues and Uncle Tom Cobbley and all! Everyone here understands, and by sharing experiences it makes us stronger.

    Take care of yourself

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