Who has stolen my husband?

[AliceA]

I think we all are finding the same, in different ways but same at the same time.
Skills fall away, the long term memory thinks they are still there. When we first retired we took on an old house and remodelled it. My husband did all the electrics and plumbing.
The former were checked and passed by an electrician who signed it off. I have to be wily to avoid DIY continuing, it would not be completed.
Gradually I have taken over things he did or were shared, I try to preserve his dignity I use the word we as if both have decided or have done something often by saying he has trained me well.
I have to be so specific if I ask him to do anything, often it us easier to just do it.
Slowly I have learned the most reliable of men no longer is. Logic is another country, he is logical but in his own way.
I spent a lot of time trying to find a way to have a break, holiday companions, respite holidays, I have sounded out the family to no avail. Trips out are too difficult.
So I have dropped the idea, if something turns up it will be a bonus.
I spent a lot of time exploring day care but I cannot get transport, I have settled for a new village lunch club run by a charity, the cost is reasonable and the company is understanding.
Though I have to go too.
The walk there depends on the weather.
Like most I get neurotic about falling,
I almost had a scheme set up should I be ill, but think that is not the wisest as it depend on many factors beyond my control.
I have signed up for Crossroads, emergency care that give a few days to allow something to be set up.
I have to trust the universe beyond that!
Notes are in place.
The Arabic saying says, Trust in God but tie your camel!
We are in our eighties, we share 170 plus years. Somehow I did not expect this new career in caring.
But then so much has happened in our lives that was not planned, I have a philosophy that helps me accept the change.
So many have had worse to deal with, so many have had less.
I get lethargic too, then a burst of energy as if suddenly fired up.
Yesterday on You and Yours they spoke about older drivers, re. Prince Phillip. Our volunteer driver the day before was in his 80s. I ended up sending them a rather pithy email. I then contact another organisation then sorted out a faulty order. Then I burnt out! The evening slipped by too tired to do anything.
I think we have to fight the expectations of others but also out own,
Yes, life is tough but I find dwelling on this has no profit. I find keeping calm, dropping things to keep calm, adapting standards to stay calm keeps my husband calm.
Like with babies and animals the language is emotion not words, it is the same now.
My first child taught me that! Our dogs confirmed it.
I do not feel like a servant, what I do has never defined me. I have had good jobs, poor and indifferent ones.
All have taught me something, usually about my own strengths and weaknesses. I can get tired, cranky by the end of the day. Last night I fell asleep sitting up!
I have to trust that what we need will appear at the right time, it has in the past so why not now.
We can do our best at the time but no more.
Just because we all cope and manage does not mean it is easy.
At least on here we understand, xxx

 

[Manc70]

Hi B, I haven’t posted for a while although I keep dipping in and get comfort from knowing you are all out there understanding and caring. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you B, you’ve had enough to contend with recovering from your operation. I hope the recovery has gone well and your pain is no longer or at least a lot better.
December was good for me, I had my 70th birthday party - Village Hall, food, disco, bar, felt like I didn’t have a care in the world for one night only. So many people saying how well my OH looked and you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with him!! I thought he would last an hour and our son was on standby to take him home so I could enjoy my party. Well he had me up dancing, made a speech (albeit he thanked me for being a good army wife, he came out 30 yrs ago), and lasted till we finished at midnight when we walked home hand in hand. I was on cloud nine and will always be thankful for that night. He still didn’t have a clue how old I was, it amazes me how he can’t work out from the cards, big numbered balloons etc. But then again he can’t use his phone, iPad etc. Breaks my heart.
BUT it went downhill after that to the point I feel he has skipped a couple of stages of this insidious disease. I put it down to a cough and cold he had and the cough got much worse. So many sleepless nights, one night I went in the spare room I woke up to find he had got up, opened curtains and blinds, let the dog out (and back in thankfully), so I stay with him with my hand on his back so I wake up when he does which feels like every hour. He has gone from a fairly physically fit guy to hunched over, shuffling about, fell to his knees yesterday trying to put his socks on, more confused and worse of all his hallucinations are a lot worse. He will suddenly burst into the room, usually just as I’ve finally sat down and relaxed, and want me to go look at the water coming through the ceiling and down the wall or the worms all over the floor, just a few of the things he ‘sees’. Of course I’ve had him to the doctors, four times in fact in the last few weeks, first said his chest was clear next one put him on antibiotics but he was always in host mode in the surgery. Yesterday I got upset when the doctor seemed to think he wasn’t too bad when I got yet another same day appointment because he seemed so poorly but not enough for hospital if you know what I mean. They did blood tests and phoned me with the abnormal results this morning, prescribed iron tablets, chest X-ray tomorrow and referred to chest clinic for a more detailed CT scan.
Sorry I’ve gone on a bit B, didn’t intend to, in fact I haven’t posted because I’ve felt I can’t get my thoughts together to put something coherent and I fully understand your feelings of being overwhelmed and scared. Once I started though I couldn’t stop!
Thinking of you and sending love and a hug S x

 

[AliceA]

Dear Manc, glad you had a good birthday.

Your husband's sudden change reminds of what we have been through over the years. Infections do not always show typical symptoms such as high temperature and fever in older people. I have to watch for changes in behaviour, unusual weakness. Not easy with the diagnosis as these happen in any case.
We have just had to get another X-ray today.

I hope your husband improves soon, Alice x

 

[Manc70]

Dear Manc, glad you had a good birthday.

Your husband's sudden change reminds of what we have been through over the years. Infections do not always show typical symptoms such as high temperature and fever in older people. I have to watch for changes in behaviour, unusual weakness. Not easy with the diagnosis as these happen in any case.
We have just had to get another X-ray today.

I hope your husband improves soon, Alice x

Hi Alice, thank you for your reply and I found your previous reply so very interesting. I’ve also found that keeping calm can keep my husband calm, I’m not always successful, usually I’m calm because I don’t have any energy left. I have learnt this week about the symptoms, couldn’t believe his obs were fine on the first doctor’s visit and it must be hard for them to diagnose infection, it very much has been his behaviour and lethargy that has been the main sign. I thought he’d turned a corner today and seemed somewhat better but tonight he has just had only a mouthful of his evening meal, sat hunched over and I’ve had to help him to the bedroom as he feels so weak, thankfully we live in a bungalow. He just keeps saying “I don’t know, I don’t know” if I ask does he feel sick, have a headache etc.
Fingers cross for a peaceful night, would be the first in weeks.
Hope all goes well for you both re the X-ray.
Take care Shirley x

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi @Sad Staffs , what thoughtless neighbours you have, and you say you look after their cat! My neighbors aren’t much better either apart from my neighbor across the road who feeds my cats and I water her plants when she is away. She suffers from ME so I do her a bit of shopping when she’s not well.. Dementia affects people so differently as you say you husband can use technology and mine struggles with the TV remote. Can’t use technology at all. He is happy at present on the higher dose of risperidone but memory and confusion is worse but I can live with that.

I think we come from a different era ... I was brought up to respect others, elders in particular, be polite, and consider others. I still thank people all the time, and I automatically say I’m sorry even when it’s not my fault! My other neighbour is even worse. When her two girls were born I dropped everything to care for them for weeks on end when they weren’t well so parents could go to work. Trudged to fetch them from school when parents stuck in snow, or just late. Since my husband was diagnosed last July and after I came out of hospital, I have seen the mother once.
With all you have on your plate it is lovely of you to help out your neighbour with ME.
It’s good to talk to you, take care... love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

I think we all are finding the same, in different ways but same at the same time.
Skills fall away, the long term memory thinks they are still there. When we first retired we took on an old house and remodelled it. My husband did all the electrics and plumbing.
The former were checked and passed by an electrician who signed it off. I have to be wily to avoid DIY continuing, it would not be completed.
Gradually I have taken over things he did or were shared, I try to preserve his dignity I use the word we as if both have decided or have done something often by saying he has trained me well.
I have to be so specific if I ask him to do anything, often it us easier to just do it.
Slowly I have learned the most reliable of men no longer is. Logic is another country, he is logical but in his own way.
I spent a lot of time trying to find a way to have a break, holiday companions, respite holidays, I have sounded out the family to no avail. Trips out are too difficult.
So I have dropped the idea, if something turns up it will be a bonus.
I spent a lot of time exploring day care but I cannot get transport, I have settled for a new village lunch club run by a charity, the cost is reasonable and the company is understanding.
Though I have to go too.
The walk there depends on the weather.
Like most I get neurotic about falling,
I almost had a scheme set up should I be ill, but think that is not the wisest as it depend on many factors beyond my control.
I have signed up for Crossroads, emergency care that give a few days to allow something to be set up.
I have to trust the universe beyond that!
Notes are in place.
The Arabic saying says, Trust in God but tie your camel!
We are in our eighties, we share 170 plus years. Somehow I did not expect this new career in caring.
But then so much has happened in our lives that was not planned, I have a philosophy that helps me accept the change.
So many have had worse to deal with, so many have had less.
I get lethargic too, then a burst of energy as if suddenly fired up.
Yesterday on You and Yours they spoke about older drivers, re. Prince Phillip. Our volunteer driver the day before was in his 80s. I ended up sending them a rather pithy email. I then contact another organisation then sorted out a faulty order. Then I burnt out! The evening slipped by too tired to do anything.
I think we have to fight the expectations of others but also out own,
Yes, life is tough but I find dwelling on this has no profit. I find keeping calm, dropping things to keep calm, adapting standards to stay calm keeps my husband calm.
Like with babies and animals the language is emotion not words, it is the same now.
My first child taught me that! Our dogs confirmed it.
I do not feel like a servant, what I do has never defined me. I have had good jobs, poor and indifferent ones.
All have taught me something, usually about my own strengths and weaknesses. I can get tired, cranky by the end of the day. Last night I fell asleep sitting up!
I have to trust that what we need will appear at the right time, it has in the past so why not now.
We can do our best at the time but no more.
Just because we all cope and manage does not mean it is easy.
At least on here we understand, xxx

Dear Alice
It’s fair to say that sometimes something pulls me up short, makes me stop and really think, your post did that.
Everything you say is so thought through and just balanced. I would love to have more of your balance. I know I’m more like a bull in a china shop.
You have made me question whether I have bull dozed my way through situations. Am I doing this now?
Could I handle my husband more thoughtfully.
Do I make him react aggressively?
I know I’m too long in the tooth to change my personality. But perhaps I need to think more about what I’m saying and doing.
I think without doubt I’m confused. I have always been good at working things through and getting things done.
But I’m out of my depth... it’s new to me.
I feel like I’m drowning.
I can’t get past the fact that I can’t make things better.... for either of us.
Thank you Alice for your posts
Love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi B, I haven’t posted for a while although I keep dipping in and get comfort from knowing you are all out there understanding and caring. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you B, you’ve had enough to contend with recovering from your operation. I hope the recovery has gone well and your pain is no longer or at least a lot better.
December was good for me, I had my 70th birthday party - Village Hall, food, disco, bar, felt like I didn’t have a care in the world for one night only. So many people saying how well my OH looked and you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with him!! I thought he would last an hour and our son was on standby to take him home so I could enjoy my party. Well he had me up dancing, made a speech (albeit he thanked me for being a good army wife, he came out 30 yrs ago), and lasted till we finished at midnight when we walked home hand in hand. I was on cloud nine and will always be thankful for that night. He still didn’t have a clue how old I was, it amazes me how he can’t work out from the cards, big numbered balloons etc. But then again he can’t use his phone, iPad etc. Breaks my heart.
BUT it went downhill after that to the point I feel he has skipped a couple of stages of this insidious disease. I put it down to a cough and cold he had and the cough got much worse. So many sleepless nights, one night I went in the spare room I woke up to find he had got up, opened curtains and blinds, let the dog out (and back in thankfully), so I stay with him with my hand on his back so I wake up when he does which feels like every hour. He has gone from a fairly physically fit guy to hunched over, shuffling about, fell to his knees yesterday trying to put his socks on, more confused and worse of all his hallucinations are a lot worse. He will suddenly burst into the room, usually just as I’ve finally sat down and relaxed, and want me to go look at the water coming through the ceiling and down the wall or the worms all over the floor, just a few of the things he ‘sees’. Of course I’ve had him to the doctors, four times in fact in the last few weeks, first said his chest was clear next one put him on antibiotics but he was always in host mode in the surgery. Yesterday I got upset when the doctor seemed to think he wasn’t too bad when I got yet another same day appointment because he seemed so poorly but not enough for hospital if you know what I mean. They did blood tests and phoned me with the abnormal results this morning, prescribed iron tablets, chest X-ray tomorrow and referred to chest clinic for a more detailed CT scan.
Sorry I’ve gone on a bit B, didn’t intend to, in fact I haven’t posted because I’ve felt I can’t get my thoughts together to put something coherent and I fully understand your feelings of being overwhelmed and scared. Once I started though I couldn’t stop!
Thinking of you and sending love and a hug S x

Hi S, it’s really lovely to hear from you, and to know that you had an excellent birthday party. So, your husband surprised you, had you up dancing, gave a speech, and you walked home hand in hand.... how lovely.
Memories of the past, a touch of nostalgia. It’s all so bitter sweet.
I’ve stopped reacting to people saying how well my husband seems. It just makes me irritated. They have no idea. I have two cousins I’m close to. One argues with the other that I’m making it up, the other puts her in her place to defend me, but deep down I think she agrees with her. Oh well, is it me?
I’m recovering well. The surgeon has told me it could recur, and it will always be weak. I’m having physio trying to strengthen the muscles, but it’s hard to be enthusiastic about exercising!
I am really struggling with sleeping. I get so little sleep, unless I take a tablet and they are hard to get hold of. I too took to the spare bed one night, but I worried about him more, realised I couldn’t check whether his pads had leaked, and ended up going back to him in our bed.
I understand about the fragile side. My son who lives in Durham called in to see us pre Christmas and I said don’t you think he looks frail? He said no, I thought he looked quite well actually! But he can’t stand up without holding on to something, his balance is bad. I worry all the time about him falling. I was changing his pad earlier and he shouted at me for moving the door which unbalanced him. I had one hand holding the front, one hand holding the back, not sure which of my hands wobbled the door! He is always shouting at me for being in his light, but it’s him that is in his light, there is just no reasoning. Life would be simpler if I just accept that everything is my fault!
It’s so hard to see them deteriorating. I only experienced my husband seeing things when he had sepsis last March. But it was scary because at that point he hadn’t been diagnosed. I was so ignorant to what was to come.
I could tell something wasn’t right with him last week. His confusion was getting worse, he was more aggressive, but no obvious temperature. I keep taking urine samples for testing but they come back as contaminated send another sample. So I phoned and said you have to do something, he’s not right. They gave him more antibiotics and he has calmed down. It’s the final dose tomorrow. We will see what next week brings.
I do hope, S, that the tests and x-rays give you some answers, please let me know if you get the chance.
Never apologise for going on a bit. As you know ! I do it all the time. I either disappear and bury my head in the sand and can’t bring myself to post anything, or I just put my thoughts down in the hope that it makes some sort of sense to me.
Please take care, look after yourself. I hope tomorrow goes well for you both.
With much love and hugs, B xx

 

[Grahamstown]

Dear B sorry I didn’t make it clear, the early onset dementia unit is not the one I thought the best. That home doesn’t cater for respite care. My husband has late onset. I think the carers of early onset sufferers have a very tough time judging by the posts on here and special provision for them seems like a good idea. He has been an absolute pain tonight wanting to go to bed from 7 o’clock onwards but unable to settle down so up and down all evening. He has started drawing the curtains in the afternoon when he goes up to have his rest so no wonder his body clock is all over the place. A new thing to sort out. I shouldn’t complain because he is a very sweet man but it’s terrible to see him so ill.

 

[canary]

I can’t get past the fact that I can’t make things better.... for either of us.

I think this is the hardest thing to get your head round. There is always a bit of us that wants to "fix" them - the feeling that they "aught" to respond, but sadly they cant. They sit there looking just the same as they always did, so its easy to slip back into the old ways of interacting with them and it always seems to come as a surprise when they dont respond the same way. If they were missing an arm it would be easy to see and we wouldnt expect them to do the things they once did, but with the loss of brain cells, you can see it.

there is just no reasoning.

No, you are right, there isnt, Reasoning and logic are lost very early on.
xx

 

[Banabarama]

Oh yes, I recognise so much of this. It’s staggering when someone previously mentally sharp can’t look up anything on an iPad and blames the Tv for his inability to work the remote control. But the sharpness still comes through occasionally with cutting sarcasm. If I retaliate in kind he genuinely doesn’t understand.

I’ve made some rash decisions lately - I have booked a holiday in the autumn and so far have not given a great deal of thought to what I will do with hubby - it seems so far off but I know I’m going to have to prepare - but not quite yet!. Have also arranged for some decorating to be done. We have to decamp to another room and already I can see how worried OH is because some things have been moved by me in preparation and it is causing confusion. But I thought the sooner the better as it will only get more difficult the longer it is left and the work really needs doing. Fingers crossed we don’t have any major setbacks for him. But for me it’s the need to make some progress with something!

Good night and sleep tight.

 

[AliceA]

Thank you, Shirley, we have to wait for GP to get results but I trust it will be fast tracked if needed I will start chasing in a week as advised by GP. My husband has dysphagia so can injest liquids and food if he mis swallows. He has techniques but can forget, he is not very happy when I remind him, I just say I am being overprotective!

I am just hoping he is not put back on thickened drinks because then it is difficult to get him to drink enough.
So different problems.
I do not blame him the stuff spoils a good coffee or tea.

Twice he has collapsed with pneumonia and has been in hospital and it has been a long haul back.
We live in a small bungalow now, it is such a blessing as I can hear him from all rooms. I would never manage in a house, he should not eat etc. alone so I can hear suspicious noises!
As you say the non typical symptoms in older people make it difficult for medics to diagnose. One consultant told me that is why the elderly are so vulnerable in flu epidemics they do not show symptoms early enough to survive. Keeps me on my toes!

When my husband left hospital he was very frail and had lost so much weight. I was advised to give him sugar and fat to put it back on. E.g. Cream cakes and all the high sugar foods.
I did not do that but I fortified everything with milk powder, some cream but more healthy oils. I added eggs in to dishes too. He is on a soft diet, but cannot eat quite a few items.
Since before Christmas he has a constant loud cough, I keep missing the important dialogue on TV!

Some Carers are not calm by nature so it is harder for them, but I do find going down a few gears on the calmness scale helps me. Even when we appear calm there is a lot going on inside.

I hope that your husband's pick up soon. Love Alice

 

[AliceA]

Dearest B, I used to have people visit because they thought I could help them, I ALWAYS used to put them right. I used to say I couldn't but I could help them to help their self. I truly believe we have our own answers inside, we just need help sometimes to find them.
One came to me and mentioned neck pain, when I asked what was going on in her life she said she felt she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her family were so difficult! She learned to say no and her neck got better.
You said you felt like you were drowning, perhaps that is your clue to float more?
I really do not think there are easy answers, my body throws up many problems! But so often the answers are there inside.
I feel for me I cannot make our situation better but just easier, survival has always meant adaptation.
Some days just surviving is enough, just be kind to yourself, As Canary says we just cannot fix everything.
Love, Alice, hope you have a good day.

 

[Grahamstown]

Oh yes, I recognise so much of this. It’s staggering when someone previously mentally sharp can’t look up anything on an iPad and blames the Tv for his inability to work the remote control. But the sharpness still comes through occasionally with cutting sarcasm. If I retaliate in kind he genuinely doesn’t understand.

I’ve made some rash decisions lately - I have booked a holiday in the autumn and so far have not given a great deal of thought to what I will do with hubby - it seems so far off but I know I’m going to have to prepare - but not quite yet!. Have also arranged for some decorating to be done. We have to decamp to another room and already I can see how worried OH is because some things have been moved by me in preparation and it is causing confusion. But I thought the sooner the better as it will only get more difficult the longer it is left and the work really needs doing. Fingers crossed we don’t have any major setbacks for him. But for me it’s the need to make some progress with something!

Good night and sleep tight.

All your comments are very similar for me, a helpless child instead of a clever man. I booked a holiday last year for this May, being optimistic, and we shall be able to go barring an accident but I am under no illusions that it will be a proper holiday for me. We started cruising last year and it has proved a success as far as it goes, a lovely environment, changes of scene every day, great food and well looked after throughout from pick up to return. He loved it and when he asks if we are going again and I say yes he’s so happy. He is much worse now and I couldn’t do it if I hadn’t done it before. I have to have all the steps planned out in my head as well as the itinerary printed out for him to look at. Careful planning ahead seemed to be the key and being very firm when he started to get agitated over where, what and how, trying to make sense of it all. I just kept repeating the appropriate answer. What will happen this year is anyone’s guess but I cannot take him away for short breaks now because it’s too stressful for me but I am banking on him getting excited about a cruise. Our small house needs decorating but I can’t face it. I could have it done when we are away but I just chill thinking about it. Happy thoughts of lovely holidays xx

 

[Guzelle]

My house also needs a lot of decorating and updating but it would just upset him too much. He would want to donor himself and you can imagine how that would turn out so I just don’t mention it anymore.

Graham’s town I’ve thought about a cruise does your OH mind that there are lots of people and what about travel insurance is it expensive. We are going away to Nidd hall end of February. That’s a Warner’s holiday he manages those with my help.

But it’s only an hour from where we live so I drive us there.

 

[Grahamstown]

My house also needs a lot of decorating and updating but it would just upset him too much. He would want to donor himself and you can imagine how that would turn out so I just don’t mention it anymore.

Graham’s town I’ve thought about a cruise does your OH mind that there are lots of people and what about travel insurance is it expensive. We are going away to Nidd hall end of February. That’s a Warner’s holiday he manages those with my help.

But it’s only an hour from where we live so I drive us there.

He doesn’t mind the people fortunately or at least he hasn’t so far. He goes into host mode and launches into his pet subject, his research which people find fascinating. There are always different people and he never recognises them again which can be embarrassing and I have to explain quietly. If we meet the same people I have to stop him launching into the same spiel, by telling him that he has already told them and he laughs and says oh yes! The travel insurance is expensive because of me, I have heart disease and that costs so I factor that into the cost of the holiday. It isn’t a cure all holiday and having a third person would help enormously. However another TP poster, Amethyst I think, went cruising with her ill partner and her sister and even that was stressful at times. There is no best way only the least worst or not at all if the person is too ill. While I can I shall.

 

[Grahamstown]

I have thought about a Warner holiday too but as long as he, and me more importantly, can do it we shall go cruising. I don’t know if you would need travel insurance if you were on a round Britain cruise. I think the tour company might require it on reflection.

 

[PalSal]

I have thought about a Warner holiday too but as long as he, and me more importantly, can do it we shall go cruising. I don’t know if you would need travel insurance if you were on a round Britain cruise. I think the tour company might require it on reflection.

A cruise that sounds so wonderful. But the truth is that I can stay content at home, with the daycare and my activities and stuff. Our Prof. says no grand gestures structure and routine are best for him, and easiest for me. And I guess this is true. I would like to do a cruise again someday. But not with OH.

 

[Grahamstown]

A cruise that sounds so wonderful. But the truth is that I can stay content at home, with the daycare and my activities and stuff. Our Prof. says no grand gestures structure and routine are best for him, and easiest for me. And I guess this is true. I would like to do a cruise again someday. But not with OH.

It may be our last cruise. I don’t think he is quite so far down the road as your husband. I have followed the same path as you otherwise, quiet routine and no unfamiliar places. I have even stopped short breaks which he was very keen on a year ago. I looked at the excursions on the May cruise today and I don’t think we shall be able to do any of them this year so we shall just have a little potter on our own ashore if I think it ok.

 

[sqeaker]

Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....

I am so sorry for you, I feel just the same I sit here and wonder can tomorrow be any worse than today and where is the love of my life gone, who when I was upset would hold me and tell me it will be ok, but who now does not even notice im crying. I just want to go back and get him, and we are nice people where did we go wrong, im here for you x

 

[kindred]

I am so sorry for you, I feel just the same I sit here and wonder can tomorrow be any worse than today and where is the love of my life gone, who when I was upset would hold me and tell me it will be ok, but who now does not even notice im crying. I just want to go back and get him, and we are nice people where did we go wrong, im here for you x

I know, I really do. Sweetheart, you did not go wrong, it isn't about that. It's brain damage that no one yet knows what happens, not even the latest about it being linked to gum health. It is not that you went wrong, honestly. I know we feel like that. I used to feel if I just worked harder, was nicer, my husband would come back as he was ... This is human nature and our longings. All together on this awful journey, but at least we are together. Thank you for your post, sweetheart. with love, Kindred.