Who has stolen my husband?

[Sad Staffs]

Sweetheart, have been reading your posts. You know that I have been there, I think I only escaped, only got help because of OH accident and because twice my life had been at risk and I had been injured. Our minds desperately search for meaning in this, but essentially we are living with another human who is to all intents and purposes mad. And we are required to placate them. Not to say it isn't an honourable occupation, helping someone access what is left of their life is honourable but this is pushing our resources to extremes. I survived only because when I was at the point of going under, there was the accident and a hospital social worker who said to me, I will help you ... And because I had my suicide pack all ready for the moment I could no longer cope.
Please do not feel you have lost your previous cheerful self, it would be impossible to maintain it in these circumstances. It will be there one day, I promise you, I really do. with all my love, Geraldinexxx

Dear Geraldine @kindred
Your posts always warm me, thank you so much.
I know by reading posts on here that I’m not the only person feeling this way. I know that there are many who have a much worse life than I do. But I find there is so little happiness in my life, in our life. I don’t know what my husband feels, but he rarely smiles, never laughs, has no interest in anything. I am all he has. I now exist for him. I don’t exist for myself anymore. And that is it.
I think some of my distress is that I haven’t been able to mourn for my best friend. I couldn’t make her funeral, and I miss her so much. She was such a solid person in my life, and had been for over 50 years. Now she has gone and I have lost the one person who was always on my side, regardless.
Thank you Geraldine for always being there, for your kindness, and for caring.
With much love to you, Barbara xx

 

[highland girl]

Thank you @highland girl for your post and your words of comfort. I understand all you say. Like you I have a good cry when I get into bed.
We have been married 40 years, but lived together for 42 years, and although we have had our ups and downs, in truth we have had a wonderful life together.
Patience isn’t one of my virtues either! I feel so angry that our retirement years that we had provided for have been stolen. I guess it was really 7 years ago when he was diagnosed with bladder cancer that our life changed dramatically.
It is comforting to talk to people who really understand, so thank you. Take care of yourself, with love, Bxx

Hi @Sad Staffs thank you for replying. I fully understand your feelings over your retirement, my oh is 15 yrs older than me, he is 76 but I took redundancy 3 years ago to spend more time with him, but I’d hoped it would be doing fun things. Instead the only time I get out of the house now is if I manage to get him to the day centre twice a week, which is becoming less often as he deteriorates. He can’t be left alone now. Friends think they understand but most haven’t got a clue, I’m so sorry you lost your friend that you could talk to, that must be hard for you and not being able to make her funeral. You take care of yourself, lots of love to you. Xxx

 

[kindred]

Dear Geraldine @kindred
Your posts always warm me, thank you so much.
I know by reading posts on here that I’m not the only person feeling this way. I know that there are many who have a much worse life than I do. But I find there is so little happiness in my life, in our life. I don’t know what my husband feels, but he rarely smiles, never laughs, has no interest in anything. I am all he has. I now exist for him. I don’t exist for myself anymore. And that is it.
I think some of my distress is that I haven’t been able to mourn for my best friend. I couldn’t make her funeral, and I miss her so much. She was such a solid person in my life, and had been for over 50 years. Now she has gone and I have lost the one person who was always on my side, regardless.
Thank you Geraldine for always being there, for your kindness, and for caring.
With much love to you, Barbara xx

Darling, I know, I know. I am so sorry about your beloved friend, so sorry. I will always be here for you. with love and best, Gxxx

 

[Scraggy mag]

Hi I am a new member just waiting for hubbies diagnosis but I know for sure should have got it years ago but I didn't want to have it wanted to pretend it was just old age changing his personality but it's got worse and worse I relate to everything you all say it's so sad he can't even put a light bulb in he was a strong vibrate man.that could do anything mechanical or technical .glad I have joined feeling sorry for myself to realise so many people facing this too take carex

 

[kindred]

Hi I am a new member just waiting for hubbies diagnosis but I know for sure should have got it years ago but I didn't want to have it wanted to pretend it was just old age changing his personality but it's got worse and worse I relate to everything you all say it's so sad he can't even put a light bulb in he was a strong vibrate man.that could do anything mechanical or technical .glad I have joined feeling sorry for myself to realise so many people facing this too take carex

welcome to you! You will find great friends here. We are all in same boat, trying to get through, trying to make things work and to have some kind of life. Say more when you can, sweetheart. Warmest, Kindred

 

[Scraggy mag]

welcome to you! You will find great friends here. We are all in same boat, trying to get through, trying to make things work and to have some kind of life. Say more when you can, sweetheart. Warmest, Kindred

Thank you so much for replying I feel better already to know we can all help each other .family and friends are good but they don't realise what' it's like 24/7 x

 

[canary]

Thank you so much for replying I feel better already to know we can all help each other .family and friends are good but they don't realise what' it's like 24/7 x

No, nobody does if you havent lived it
Welcome from me too
xx

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Scraggy mag, welcome to the forum from me too.

I spotted that you'd posted in this thread and wondered if you have thought about starting your own discussion. You may receive more responses from other members, and also be able to use the discussion to share other information and keep other members updated on how things are going.

To start your own discussion:

1. Find a forum that is relevant for you [e.g. https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forums/i-have-a-partner-with-dementia.69/ ]

2. At the top, you'll see a button called 'Post New Thread' - click or tap on this.

3. Add a discussion title and below, add your message. Then click or tap the [Submit thread] OR [Create Thread] button.

I hope this helps, but if you have any further questions about using Talking Point, please contact the team by emailing talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Scraggy mag]

No, nobody does if you havent lived it
Welcome from me too
xx

Thank you so much x

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi I am a new member just waiting for hubbies diagnosis but I know for sure should have got it years ago but I didn't want to have it wanted to pretend it was just old age changing his personality but it's got worse and worse I relate to everything you all say it's so sad he can't even put a light bulb in he was a strong vibrate man.that could do anything mechanical or technical .glad I have joined feeling sorry for myself to realise so many people facing this too take carex

Hello @Scraggy mag
It’s really good to talk to you.
I have found this forum a life line for me. I hope you get as much help and comfort as I have. It shocked me that so many people feel the same as me, and who really understand how sad and distressed I feel.
It’s easy to bury your head in the sand. I always have. I will think about it tomorrow and hope tomorrow never comes.
My husband is still an enigma to me. Sometimes I think there is nothing wrong and it must be me. Then he does and says something and I think this can’t be early stage he is worse than that. It certainly keeps me on my toes. It’s his aggression that I really struggle with. His whole face and personality changes, in an instant, and sometimes it frightens me. He had a bout of being physically aggressive, but that seems, touch wood, to have calmed down.
One of the first things that deteriorated with my husband was his ability to do anything technical. He came out of hospital and overnight he couldn’t operate his phone or computer. He was always my techie person. If it didn’t work then he always sorted it. Now I have to do it all.
And he has obsessions too. They drive me to distraction. I struggle with finding enough patience to cope.
It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, just don’t feel guilty. I’m sad and angry that our life has been stolen by something that I will never understand. It’s cruel. I don’t want to be where I am, and I would give anything to have my husband and our life together back as it was such a short time ago.
Take care and keep in touch.
Love B xx

 

[Scraggy mag]

Hello @Scraggy mag
It’s really good to talk to you.
I have found this forum a life line for me. I hope you get as much help and comfort as I have. It shocked me that so many people feel the same as me, and who really understand how sad and distressed I feel.
It’s easy to bury your head in the sand. I always have. I will think about it tomorrow and hope tomorrow never comes.
My husband is still an enigma to me. Sometimes I think there is nothing wrong and it must be me. Then he does and says something and I think this can’t be early stage he is worse than that. It certainly keeps me on my toes. It’s his aggression that I really struggle with. His whole face and personality changes, in an instant, and sometimes it frightens me. He had a bout of being physically aggressive, but that seems, touch wood, to have calmed down.
One of the first things that deteriorated with my husband was his ability to do anything technical. He came out of hospital and overnight he couldn’t operate his phone or computer. He was always my techie person. If it didn’t work then he always sorted it. Now I have to do it all.
And he has obsessions too. They drive me to distraction. I struggle with finding enough patience to cope.
It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, just don’t feel guilty. I’m sad and angry that our life has been stolen by something that I will never understand. It’s cruel. I don’t want to be where I am, and I would give anything to have my husband and our life together back as it was such a short time ago.
Take care and keep in touch.
Love B xx

Everything you have said is just the same for us. Sometimes he seems ok then he can't find the frying pan or turn the Tele on its so strange . We have an appointment at doc in two weeks .I have been putting it off don't really think having it confirmed will help but I need to know for sure. It helps that there are places like this that understand how a strong intelligent kind person can change so much.thank you x

 

[Sad Staffs]

Everything you have said is just the same for us. Sometimes he seems ok then he can't find the frying pan or turn the Tele on its so strange . We have an appointment at doc in two weeks .I have been putting it off don't really think having it confirmed will help but I need to know for sure. It helps that there are places like this that understand how a strong intelligent kind person can change so much.thank you x

I hope the appointment in two weeks goes well. Please let me know how you get on.
I’m still so new and such a novice on here. But people have helped, supported and informed me. I’m struggling, but it would be so much more isolating without this forum.
It doesn’t matter what you want to know or what you want to say, someone will help you.
It’s been important for me to get an official diagnosis for my husband for professional input, support from local organisations and for financial support to. Please take care of yourself, keep in touch, and I do hope that your appointment is helpful.
It’s hard being in the position we find ourselves. I get so angry and distressed that this has happened to us, that my husband isn’t the strong man that he was such a short time ago. And that he is no longer there to look after me. It makes me so vulnerable.
With love, B xx

 

[Scraggy mag]

I hope the appointment in two weeks goes well. Please let me know how you get on.
I’m still so new and such a novice on here. But people have helped, supported and informed me. I’m struggling, but it would be so much more isolating without this forum.
It doesn’t matter what you want to know or what you want to say, someone will help you.
It’s been important for me to get an official diagnosis for my husband for professional input, support from local organisations and for financial support to. Please take care of yourself, keep in touch, and I do hope that your appointment is helpful.
It’s hard being in the position we find ourselves. I get so angry and distressed that this has happened to us, that my husband isn’t the strong man that he was such a short time ago. And that he is no longer there to look after me. It makes me so vulnerable.
With love, B xx

Thank you for your kind words our situation is so similar I will definitely let you know what the doc says you take care day at a time is all we can do xxx

 

[Janie M]

Hi I am a new member just waiting for hubbies diagnosis but I know for sure should have got it years ago but I didn't want to have it wanted to pretend it was just old age changing his personality but it's got worse and worse I relate to everything you all say it's so sad he can't even put a light bulb in he was a strong vibrate man.that could do anything mechanical or technical .glad I have joined feeling sorry for myself to realise so many people facing this too take carex

 

[Janie M]

Hi @Scraggy mag ...I think we can all relate to this, and it’s not easy. I’ve found TP a great help as it’s good to know you’re not alone , as this is a vey lonely place to find yourself. To see my husband go from a very technical, fixer of a man to having to go to giving up my own job just to make sure he’s ok, I think is the hardest thing. Take care. X

 

[Scraggy mag]

Hi @Scraggy mag ...I think we can all relate to this, and it’s not easy. I’ve found TP a great help as it’s good to know you’re not alone , as this is a vey lonely place to find yourself. To see my husband go from a very technical, fixer of a man to having to go to giving up my own job just to make sure he’s ok, I think is the hardest thing. Take care. X

Hi Janie I am overwhelmed with the replies I've had so far I feel like I'm around good friends who all understand our life. I still work afternoons but I worry all the time I'm there I hope to leave next August as long as he can be on his own but retirement date is 2020 but want to have a bit of time together before it gets much worse. I will know more when got diagnosis go to docs in two weeks. Take care xxx

 

[Janie M]

Hi Janie I am overwhelmed with the replies I've had so far I feel like I'm around good friends who all understand our life. I still work afternoons but I worry all the time I'm there I hope to leave next August as long as he can be on his own but retirement date is 2020 but want to have a bit of time together before it gets much worse. I will know more when got diagnosis go to docs in two weeks. Take care xxx

That’s exactly how I feel! He was 70 this year, but as I’m not 62 till next year (and that’s another thing, state pension we’ve been robbed of!) should have had to work for at least another 3 to 4 years. Need to make memories now and not leave it too late. But could see he needs me around more, so had to make the decision. Hugs. Xx

 

[Scraggy mag]

That’s exactly how I feel! He was 70 this year, but as I’m not 62 till next year (and that’s another thing, state pension we’ve been robbed of!) should have had to work for at least another 3 to 4 years. Need to make memories now and not leave it too late. But could see he needs me around more, so had to make the decision. Hugs. Xx

I am 65 next August but can have pension till July 2020 Dave is 68 it is so annoying I have worked since I was fifteen but money won't change what's happening to us some quality time is more important .it's funny how material things don't matter anymore give everything to have a normal life .how long since this started for you xxx

 

[Janie M]

I am 65 next August but can have pension till July 2020 Dave is 68 it is so annoying I have worked since I was fifteen but money won't change what's happening to us some quality time is more important .it's funny how material things don't matter anymore give everything to have a normal life .how long since this started for you xxx

Had diagnoses I April 2016, but, like most, knew a good maybe a year before something not right. As he’s diabetic also, tried to rule that out first, but in my heart of hearts knew it wasn’t hid diabetes.
And yes, all of a sudden money isn’t everything now.
Never thought in my early 60’s I’d be living this life, but just making the most of what we have now. Xx

 

[Scraggy mag]

Had diagnoses I April 2016, but, like most, knew a good maybe a year before something not right. As he’s diabetic also, tried to rule that out first, but in my heart of hearts knew it wasn’t hid diabetes.
And yes, all of a sudden money isn’t everything now.
Never thought in my early 60’s I’d be living this life, but just making the most of what we have now. Xx

It's a cruel world but no one can take our lovely memories from the past and the good times take care xxx