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Who has stolen my husband?

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,926
South coast
Im glad you managed to speak to the mental nurse without your husband hearing.
I am very concerned about your husbands increasing aggression. Make sure you dont get backed into a room so that you can always make an escape if things turn physical. Your safety is paramount. Dont hesitate to call the police if necessary
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,118
Kent
I miss my husbands love, comfort and support so much.
I feel for you.

The change from a loving husband to one who is aggressive is so hard to take.

I guess everything is just getting too much.
Or perhaps I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
You are entitled to feel sorry for yourself. Life is tough for you, no matter how tough it is for others. Your headache is your headache.

I had wonderful support from the Mental health Team. I don`t know what the provision is like these days but does the mental health nurse who phoned you have any suggestions or are you just meant to get on with it.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,526
I have been burying my head in the sand.
If I do that then things might change, they could miraculously get better, or perhaps they will go away.
But they don’t, all that happens is that I get sand in my ears!
I’m not sure whether my husband has an infection, or whether his dementia has had a noticeable change? And his memory... it’s so odd. It’s there, but in the same breath it isn’t. He just confuses me.
My husband is getting increasingly verbally aggressive and unpleasant. I try not to react, but I can’t always do that. When I do react it becomes worse.
His aggression is always worse when I’m changing his Incontinence pads, which is at least five times a day. I do this in a confined space for hygiene reasons.
But yesterday he got more physically aggressive and he pushed me over. I walked away wondering if I had goaded him in some way. I know I’m no angel.
When I was out shopping the mental health nurse called me. It was so good to talk to her knowing that my husband wasn’t listening over my shoulder. It was helpful to explain where I think things have changed. They can’t medicate for his aggression because of his health issues.
I think writing on here, just getting my mixed up emotions written down, helps me.
I don’t think what I have written today will make much sense, because I can’t make much sense of our life, or of my life.
I guess everything is just getting too much.
Or perhaps I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
Then I feel guilty because as things go my/our life is much easier than it is for so many others.
I know my husband can’t help how he is.
I wish I could just see him as he was such a short time ago.
I miss my husbands love, comfort and support so much.
B xx
Sweetheart, with you all the way. We can't make sense of this, it's not possible, but of course our normal, trained and logical minds will go on trying. This is why dementia is such a black hole for mental energy and carers get consumed by it.
But you are making a lot of sense and you are talking to us. These are good things. Keith's dementia progressed fairly quickly and it was a very traumatic time.
Sometimes I pretend I can hear Keith supporting me. I know what he would have said and pretend he just did.
Grief is normal, B. Grief is normal. Telling myself that is how I get through.
with all love, Geraldinexxx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,926
South coast
It is hard to understand dementia, simply because there is no logic anymore.
My husband has changed too and I have lost the man I married. I have had to step back emotionally in order to continue caring for him
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Thank you all so much for your posts... I always find them really caring and supportive.
The GP called and said to collect antibiotics and start them immediately. GP asked about the aggression, so I explained what had happened, for their records.
My husband has taken one tablet. It’s too soon for them to be working, but I think just having the doctor phone, prescribe and treat, has helped to calm him.
Certainly his obsessions seem to have reduced.
He was driving me to drink or drugs this morning. He was always behind me making me jump, and if he says one more time ‘I need to talk to you’ (always about himself and the same thing over and over) I will lock myself in the loo.
He is now watching tv, with a cup of tea and cake, and calm......... phew!
Fingers crossed, and thank you, love B xx
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
421
Sheffield
My OH is seeing the mental health nurse but she has only offered medication I don’t know what else she can do. I seem to be in the same situation as you with the aggression and confusion getting worse. I feel emotionally battered a lot of the time. I feel trapped as I can’t go anywhere or plan anything. He gets less able to cope in social situations even outings that are run by Alzheimer’s society he seems to hate. There is nothing he likes anymore. It’s such a miserable existence.
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
421
Sheffield
Im the same with the phone he always wants to know who it is. When my cousin phoned he said why doesn’t she phone your sisters instead. I only have one sister the other sister is my niece. I was annoyed as it’s like him saying tell her not to ring you. It’s s0 hard to stay calm. He shouts at people on the TV and I can’t hear it.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Thank you so much for your posts.
A number of people, including the mental health nurse, and the GP, tell me I should be considering a care package. I’m just not sure how having care coming in will work effectively for us as things are at the moment. But I know that things are going to change....
Husband hasn’t felt well today, so I’ve made sure he has taken his antibiotics and stayed warm. I’m frightened I’ll miss something serious, like I did last year.
I missed him when I changed the bed as he always holds the ‘ears’ of the king size duvet which I wrestled with today on my own.
I miss so many things that we did together, or that he did, and every day I find more things I need to take responsibility for, and in truth it frightens me.
Having no one to share or talk things through is so lonely. I know many of you will understand this even more than I do.
We are supposed to be in our twilight years, enjoying our retirement, that we have provided for while we worked, and now I feel there is only me.
I sleep badly lying in bed most of the night just worrying about our life.
I would love to be happy again, perhaps one day....
Love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,864
So sorry B, it is really hard for you. No help really, but I use two large blanket pegs to hold duvet corners.

Xxxx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,926
South coast
I have a Lady come in to do cleaning for me 2 hours a week. Actually we do the cleaning between us; she does the "heavy" stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom and I do the easy stuff like dusting and polishing. We go from room to room chattering as we go. Its a bit of a weekly highlight for me (how sad is that?). Im hoping to get OH into day care soon. It was offered last year, but he wouldnt go, so Im going to try again. He can still shower and dress himself independently, but when he needs help I will organise carers.

Yes, I understand about the increasing responsibility - and the diminishing time in which to work out what to do :rolleyes:
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,185
Scotland
Turn your duvet cover inside out. Put your hands inside up to the ears and grab the duvet. Shake vigorously so that the cover turns the right way up. 30 seconds. Another 30 to fasten buttons and shake into Place on the bed.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Thanks for all the advice. I will try to get to Lakeland for some big pegs!
I have tried turning it inside out and grabbing ears, but my arms don’t seem to be long enough for the king size.... but, I will have another try @marionq .. thank you
love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I have a Lady come in to do cleaning for me 2 hours a week. Actually we do the cleaning between us; she does the "heavy" stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom and I do the easy stuff like dusting and polishing. We go from room to room chattering as we go. Its a bit of a weekly highlight for me (how sad is that?). Im hoping to get OH into day care soon. It was offered last year, but he wouldnt go, so Im going to try again. He can still shower and dress himself independently, but when he needs help I will organise carers.

Yes, I understand about the increasing responsibility - and the diminishing time in which to work out what to do :rolleyes:
I have a lady who comes in for 3 hours once a fortnight, but we usually leave her to it and go to Sainsbury’s!
I like your idea much better, but not sure where or what my husband would do. He gets very possessive of me and my time. Hates me to have phone calls or talk to anyone.
My husband manages to wash, shower and dress himself, but I have to leave his clothes laid out ready and fit and remove his pads every 3 hours, he can’t do that. Inside out, back to front, upside down are an issue.
When he has his wash or shower I have to be sitting on loo waiting to help. He can’t work out the taps.
It’s a fun life! Who would have thought it?
Off for my own shower now.... a little bit of respite! Love B xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,926
South coast
My OH usually shuts himself in the conservatory with with his tablet while she is here!
She knows now to clean the conservatory first and he is usually in "host" mode at that stage so he is very nice to her and usually offers her some coffee!! She obviously has experience of dementia and knows how to handle him.

You sound like you could probably do with some help with his shower and getting him dressed.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,864
Thanks for all the advice. I will try to get to Lakeland for some big pegs!
I have tried turning it inside out and grabbing ears, but my arms don’t seem to be long enough for the king size.... but, I will have another try @marionq .. thank you
love B xx
I use Marionq method for singles, once I had some for the children that had a long side opening, they were easy. Our Swedish friends, were very surprised at the size of the duvets here, they used singles on a six foot bed, one each. They said the whole point of a duvet is that it holds the individual We tried and it worked well.
No drafts!
There are pure down, I wash mine in the washing machine on a good warm drying day.
I have non rustle light waterproof under covers on now. Not idea but practical
I used pegs on the spare bed as I had a wider duvet on that.
Not sure where I bought as have had these a long time.