Who even needs sleep!?

claire83

Registered User
Jan 11, 2015
15
0
Oh what a time we are having! My dad has alzheimers & at the moment is just being absolutely horrendous! My mum is his main carer & she is with him 24/7. I still live at home to try to help. He wont stay with anyone else apart from my mum & goes in a complete mood if she does go anywhere e.g dr, hairdressers hospital appt & leaves him with me or my other sis. Last week or so has been extremely tough & Im begining to see my mum struggle massively & her own health go down! He is being very difficult & when he is told not to do something (nothing petty more dangerous) he then insists on doing it! At the moment one of the biggest problems is he is refusing to go to bed & last night I had about 3 hours sleep before having to get up for work this morning & my mum probably got about the same. We have had the sleepless nights but normally just 1 but now its torture trying to get him to go to bed. My mum usually says fine stay downstairs & she will go to bed then 10 mins later he follows but that seems to have stopped working. Tonight we are again having the same problem & when my mum was trying to feed the dog & put them to bed he has just tried to put papers into our gas fire and nearly caused a fire. My mum freaked out which probably wasnt the best reaction although completely understandable & because she told him off for it he is now refusing to go to bed (he does the opposite of what you want him to do when he goes in a strop)! She is too scared to leave him now incase he does it again so yet again another night sleep deprived! When he behaves like this I also don't sleep as he can be very difficult, argumentative & aggressive so I worry for my mum! We have been to the Dr & have asked for sleeping tablets but the dr said he wasnt happy to prescibe these as it may cause falls & has instead referred him to a Psychiatrist which he is due to see 27th Dec. I know we are lucky to be seen so quick but I just had to get this out. It seems to help just writing it down! As Im sure you all know its just such a hard & sad journey for all & sometimes you just wonder how much more you can cope with! Anyway lets hope the sleep fairy visits this house soon!
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,314
0
Hi @claire83 sorry you're all having such a horrendous time. I haven't had the struggles you are dealing with but hope those who have will soon see your post & be able to offer some helpful advice. Best wishes.
 

Onmyown

Registered User
May 30, 2017
385
0
My mum is going to bed later and later and I'm beyond exhausted. I feel bad but enjoy a good horror and have started putting on a horror film at night as she hates them and goes to bed but reluctantly? She is now going to bed at 1am sometimes 2am and I'm just not getting my "me time". I get up early to get things done before she gets up usually around 2pm so I'm on the go all day and night. Last night I was crying because I was fast asleep then woke up half an hour later? I'm menopausal and wake up sweating and can't get back to sleep then when I did my alarm went off to get up and go to counselling at 9.am. I was so tired I cried begging for sleep. Mum's gone to bed now but she's banging around organising and creating a mess. Please God I sleep tonight....... Hugs to all us insomniacs.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,280
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi @claire83 ,lack of sleep is what shatters me most.
I can understand how you and your mother feel.
Your father seems unmanageable, unless he is given some medication to make him be quiet at night.

Hi @Onmyown ,
Same suggestion to you
Couldn't your mother's GP give her something to make her sleep at decent time?
Or couldn't you change your times adapting them to your mother's?
I think you ,too, could ask your GP for something to reduce night sweating and insomnia.
I've also read here on TP about good remedies such as valerian tea , which seems to work well.
 
Last edited:

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
972
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Hi @claire83 ,lack of sleep is what shatters me most.
I can understand how you and your mother feel.
Your father seems unmanageable, unless he is given some medication to make him be quiet at night.

Hi @Onmyown ,
Same suggestion to you
Couldn't your mother's GP give her something to make her sleep at decent time?
Or couldn't you change your times adapting them to your mother's?
I think you ,too, could ask your GP for something to reduce night sweating and insomnia.
I've also read here on TP about good remedies such as valerian tea , which seems to work well.
I do not know what kind of physical condition your partners or family members are in. But for us its all about exercise. My husband still walks with walking partners, most days two to four hours. He can no longer operate a telephone or the remote on the tv. or make a cup of tea, or tie his boots laces or zip his jacket. But he can walk and walk he does. He is a very fit 64 year old man with late mid stage Alzheimers.
He is tired at night and sleeps well for the most part when he is well excercised. Also, I am the controlling carer...he is not allowed to have any caffeinated coffee from lunchtime onwards....I have noticed that interferes with our sleep.
 

Fullticket

Registered User
Apr 19, 2016
486
0
Chard, Somerset
No-one likes medication but it sounds PalSal that your dad is in need of something to calm him down a bit. He is certainly a danger to himself and others at the moment and your mum's health should be number one on the list, not his. Are you in contact with the Elderly Mental Health Team? If not, get a referral from the GP and get things moving to help the whole family.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
No-one likes medication but it sounds PalSal that your dad is in need of something to calm him down a bit. He is certainly a danger to himself and others at the moment and your mum's health should be number one on the list, not his. Are you in contact with the Elderly Mental Health Team? If not, get a referral from the GP and get things moving to help the whole family.
The OP is @claire83 , but the advice is good!
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
My mum will not go to bed early, she’s up twice in the night & gets up about 9 or 10. I trued keeping my “normal” waking hours, but I’ve given in

As midnight approaches I tell her it’s late & she needs to go to bed. Very much like telling a child. “Time for bed Mum”. Sometimes she dawdles, sometimes she has to do this or that. Sometimes she giddies off good as gold. She gets no choice. I follow her around till she gets on the stairs. I don’t shout or get emotional. I just tell her. I think it’s the positive calm, off you go that gets her gone

I’ve also changed my getting up time. All appointments are booked for after 11. That means less stress getting Mum up & ready & gives me a chance to get some sleep

Lack of sleep is what kills me. That & her tantrums, but that’s another story.

I find the hardest thing is you have to forget they are your parent, because you now have to parent your parent. Logic doesn’t work. Mum is now an 80’s year old toddler & I nudge, guide & tell her what she needs to do. Lots of hugs & cake & gentle talking. Exhausting but keeps her safe
 

claire83

Registered User
Jan 11, 2015
15
0
Thank you all for your replies & all the advice! I wanted to reply to each of you individually and I will but after the night we have had (it isnt over yet) I am just broken & exhausted along with my mum! Tonight has been the worst & my mum & I cant bear to go through another night like this! My dad has been trying to get outside for the last 4 hours (with uncooked chicken breasts & bacon in his pocket....got to try & find funny side) but the door is locked becuase he is unsafe. He keeps saying about going home, refusing to believe that we live in this house & keeps saying he has stuff to do outside & things! He was becoming very agressive but not yet physical thankfully! My sister came down & he eventually sat in the livingroom for a bit but kept mentioning going out! My sister left & it all started again! He is now in bed but dont know how long for. Im going to have to take tomorrow off (my boss is going to love that) to phone around drs, psychiatrists, social work or anyone at all that can help!
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Hopefully @claire83 you are now all sleeping. Fingers crossed for you

I’m not at this stage, but from what I’ve read, it is a stage & it will / should pass. When & what next is not a question anyone can answer

Have you tried love lies, deflection or whatever you want to call it.

Your dad wants to “go home”, there’s little point in telling him he is home, he won’t believe you, it seems, from reading, the “home”he wants to go to, is not so much a place as a feeling, a place before he got confused, sort of like, a place in his head where it will all make sense.

You can’t argue with dementia & there is no logic, are phrases you will hear till you are sick of them. Unfortunately they are not trite sayings. They are the truth of your new normal :-(

Maybe you could try agreeing with him, that you can go look for home tomorrow, or later. You can’t go now as it’s late, you need petrol for the car, you got a flat tyre today & need to get it fixed. Any excuse that he might believe as to why you can’t go now

@rosy18 talks of her Mum not wanting to go back in the house, as it’s not her house. Having met her, I can tell you she is the gentlest person you could meet, she encourages her mum to feel safe. This disease causes such anxiety & distress. Lots of hand holding & reassurance, until your head is ready to explode, but calm is all that seems to have an effect, that & cake. I don’t know what it is about cake, but I’d rather have no heating than no cake in the house

Key phrase for Adult Social Care / Social Services, tell them they have a “duty of care for a vulnerable adult” it is their responsibility not yours. They are over stretched & will try to fob you off, get you to do it, if they can. They play on the fact that you are not going to walk away.

You could also tell them you believe your mum is at risk of “Carer breakdown” if this continues.

I know it’s hard, but if you & or your Mum break, who looks after your dad? You have to look after your health, a broken Carer isn’t much use to anyone :-(

Good luck with the calls (crying works too)
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
0
near Folkestone
Thank you all for your replies & all the advice! I wanted to reply to each of you individually and I will but after the night we have had (it isnt over yet) I am just broken & exhausted along with my mum! Tonight has been the worst & my mum & I cant bear to go through another night like this! My dad has been trying to get outside for the last 4 hours (with uncooked chicken breasts & bacon in his pocket....got to try & find funny side) but the door is locked becuase he is unsafe. He keeps saying about going home, refusing to believe that we live in this house & keeps saying he has stuff to do outside & things! He was becoming very agressive but not yet physical thankfully! My sister came down & he eventually sat in the livingroom for a bit but kept mentioning going out! My sister left & it all started again! He is now in bed but dont know how long for. Im going to have to take tomorrow off (my boss is going to love that) to phone around drs, psychiatrists, social work or anyone at all that can help!
Hopefully you are now asleep bless. My husband wakes up continuously during the night. He can’t have sleeping meds due to his epilepsy. There are things you can do . I have flood alarms, door alarms and a lock on the gas , so I know if husband leaves taps on or gas, the alarm goes off. It gives me peace of mind . The council should be able to sort lifeline and alarms out for you and the fire service can do a home check . I know it does not help with dads sleeping pattern but at least you are all safe . I try and reassure my husband when he is awake and make him a cup of tea and put the TV on in the bedroom or play some quiet music . As you see it does not always work as I am awake too xxxx
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
11,754
0
Essex
Hi @claire83 ,lack of sleep is what shatters me most.
I can understand how you and your mother feel.
Your father seems unmanageable, unless he is given some medication to make him be quiet at night.

Hi @Onmyown ,
Same suggestion to you
Couldn't your mother's GP give her something to make her sleep at decent time?
Or couldn't you change your times adapting them to your mother's?
I think you ,too, could ask your GP for something to reduce night sweating and insomnia.
I've also read here on TP about good remedies such as valerian tea , which seems to work well.

Dear Claire and on my own,

First to Claire. After having had Dad wake me up at 1.20 am (see wandering) I can understand how you feel eventhough I think that my dad is currently more manageable than yours .

On My Own! You might want to get your thyroid checked out. Mine has been underactive for years but it started to go a bit haywire when I went through the menopause.

MaNaAk
 

claire83

Registered User
Jan 11, 2015
15
0
Just to give you all an update on where we are. On Thursday I went to see the gp. I couldnt hold it together & was a blubbering mess! He contacted the psychiatrist & we got an emergency appt the same day. When we got there it was the same women we have seen before who was never any help! Anyway we basically came away with antipsychotic tablets and a small supply of Lorazepam. She advised us as my mum doesnt have poa (my dad completely refused to let us do this) & havent got a gaurdianship (we didnt even know what this was) then we cant get him into respite becuase he would refuse to go & if he says he wants to leave respite then they have to let him go. She also told us it would cost about £7500 to have this gaurdianship put in place!!! Then we were told because my dad was still in bed at 9.30am then we are also creating a habit that means he wont go to bed. My mum advised her that this is the only time she gets a break from him but we were advised we shouldnt do this. All in all we feel even worse & just realise that there is no help for us whatsoever. Have never felt so let down or alone! I asked her what do we do if he tries to get out the house again & she advised us that we should just let him leave then call the police who will bring him back! We live on a very busy road & my dad has no road safety so lets hope if that happens they cam bring him back! Only good thing to come from appt is that we are getting a social worker out on Tuesday to discuss options but Im afraid to get my hopes up incase it turns out that nothing can be done either. Anyway back to Thursday when we got home our elderly dog (the one he threatened to throw on Sunday) wasnt well so we had to have her put to sleep. Going to be honest it was one of the worst days for mum & me. My dad didnt understand which is also upsetting as he loved Pheebs!
Yesterday he was fine during the day then again at night the mood started to change. We tried to give him his tablets but he refused & started to get nasty the more we tried to plead that he took them. I have now read previous posts on this & realise that this was the wrong thing for us to do but we were desperate for him to take them! He eventually went to bed but we are constantly just sitting at night waiting for him to kick off! My mum & I just feel like there is nothing else that can be done & that there is no hope left!
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @claire83
what a horrible day - so sorry about your dog, Pheebs - it's hard to lose a much loved family pet, who is really a family member
also sorry that your consultant was not very much help at all - lovely 'bedside manner' - you did get the medication, though, and hopefully will have more success having your dad take the pills now you've read some hints - I'm afraid at times I resorted to hiding dad's pills between 2 bits of chocolate biscuit; he rarely refuses his choccy biccy - or in a spoonful of yogurt - not really supposed to give covertly, but when needs must ...
I don't understand the comments about Deputyship - it's very rare for an application for Deputy for health & welfare to be granted - a care home can have a DOLS put in place in many circumstances - and the costs mentioned?!
if you don't have POA for finance & property, you will need to organise Deputyship so that you have the legal authority to manage finances - here's a link to the gov site
https://www.gov.uk/become-deputy
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/deputy-guidance-how-to-carry-out-your-duties
I hope the SW is more clued up - be brutally honest about the situation - write out a list of all the challenges your mum and you face and also what support you need in place
and if it's good for your mum, getting your dad up at 9.30 sounds just fine to me - your mum's needs count too