1. TriciaBee

    TriciaBee Registered User

    Jul 27, 2018
    16
    Since my husband went into a Care Home in January, I have felt worse than ever. I have tried counselling to cope with the guilt but it hasn’t helped and I don’t know who to talk to.
    Today is our 56th Wedding Anniversary. When I told him that, he looked at me in disbelief and said ‘rubbish’ - in fact he used another word which I won’t write here. He says an awful lot of hateful things to me and what worries me, is that I can’t help wondering if he has always felt this way deep down. We have had such a happy and loving marriage but now, this is what our lives have become.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,804
    Merseyside
    Happy 56th anniversary @TriciaBee. That’s an amazing achievement & I'm sorry your husband isn’t able to celebrate with you.
     
  3. TriciaBee

    TriciaBee Registered User

    Jul 27, 2018
    16
    Thank you. I am looking after our son’s cat for the weekend. She looks just like your one. Someone to cuddle and talk to.
     
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,550
    Female
    London
    TriciaBee, you said in another thread that you visit your husband twice daily, and that the visit always end in tears. May I respectfully suggest that you take a big step back and cut down on your visits? You're helping no one by making yourself miserable, and your husband will pick up on your emotions too. Sure, it hurts that he can't acknowledge your wedding anniversary, but you have to reclaim your life and do things for yourself, things you enjoy. You do not have to punish yourself by being miserable. There is nothing to feel guilty about, nothing at all. It's not your fault that he got dementia. It's not your fault that he is in a care home - dementia did that, not you. He's in a care home because he needs more care than one person alone can give him, so let the staff look after him and keep your happy memories. Dementia is a disease that slowly destroys the brain. It can affect behaviour and not just memory, so the fact that he now says hurtful things does not mean that he has always felt that way. Your marriage has not been a lie, but an illness has come along that changed his personality.

    I wish you peace.
     
  5. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,775
    N Ireland
    Hello @TriciaBee.

    I would echo what others have said and also caution that you shouldn’t take your husband’s words at face value. Language is one of the skills that is deteriorating faster than others with my wife. She uses many a word or phrase that give me “Eh, what was that?” moments. My wife just can’t find the correct words and I can’t always figure out what she is saying. Swearing and making derogatory comments have now crept into my wife’s vocabulary and they weren’t there before.

    Please don’t beat yourself up.
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,664
    Female
    South coast
    Of course he didnt, This is the dementia talking, not him. Dementia skews your whole thinking and perception - it isnt just the memory that is affected.
     
  7. TriciaBee

    TriciaBee Registered User

    Jul 27, 2018
    16
    Thank you all for your support. Talking to people who really understand is so good for me.
    Yes Beate, I know that I should cut back on my visiting and I am trying to, but he has a mobile phone. He just has to press one letter and it rings me - a dozen times a day! He leaves pathetic messages on my answer phone. I am thinking of taking my voice message off and having an impersonal one instead, but I don’t want to upset him.
     
  8. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    314
    Sheffield
    You must’ve had a happy marriage if that’s what you remember. My O H has said so many hurtful things to me, also about our relatives and friends going back a lot of years. I could never understand why he was saying such hurtful things about everyone but it must’ve been the dementia. This is going back about 12 years. I know it’s hard but don’t take it personally as he is definitely not him talking it’s the dementia.
     
  9. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,550
    Female
    London
    To be honest, I think he'll be upset no matter what you do or don't do. Block his number or you'll end up in an institution with mental health problems yourself. Tough love is not easy, I know. But you matter too. Your health MATTERS.
     
  10. Graybiker

    Graybiker Registered User

    Oct 3, 2017
    141
    Female
    County Durham
    Perhaps a cat of your own would help? I live alone and talk to my cat all the time and the cuddles and affection are a real mood lifter, not to mention the giggling when he does something daft.
    Lots of lovely older ones need adopting.

    In the meantime, try not to take your husband’s words to heart, it really is ‘t him talking.
    Take care x
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,664
    Female
    South coast
    Phones in a care home are often a bad idea - it just reinforces the notion of you being the person to contact if he is upset/concerned/needing reassurance etc etc, when, actually he needs to learn to contact the staff there.

    Maybe this phone could get "broken" (perhaps by the SIM card going missing ;)) and will have to be "replaced". Pity you keep forgetting to bring it back ;);)
     
  12. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    653
    Male
    Newcastle
    @canary has just said what I thought - the phone needs to be deemed as broken or lost - as I really can't see why he should need one in a care home. The staff will contact you if there is any need. You'll alway be 'on call' otherwise and will never reap the benefits of having your own space. I agree with @Beate that it would be a good idea to back off a bit and visit less often, for his sake as well as yours.
     
  13. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,359
    Female
    I completely agree with Canary and Northumbrian - the phone needs to be 'lost'. If he can constantly ring and summon you he will find it very hard to settle in, and you will find it hard to allow him to. He needs to start depending on the carers and getting used to his new routines, rather than rely on you for company. While he will doubtless complain about the lack of phone for a while, he will get used to not having it.
     
  14. Caz60

    Caz60 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    252
    Lancashire
    I was asked if I could allow myself to step back and look after myself giving me a life and my hubby to settle in his world because no matter how much we say "I wish" it is never ever going to be the same .
    Harsh advice but after 14 months I have friends ,short breaks ,coffee meet ups in other words it is right .After 50 years in a lovely family relationship I am enjoying life very much ,I do look back and feel broken hearted but I am now strong enough to accept .....I have to let him go.
    I know how you feel but you can do it for both of you ..wishing you all the best .xx
     
  15. Violetrose

    Violetrose Registered User

    Jul 18, 2017
    50
    Female
    Didsbury Manchester
    Dear Tricia,

    please don't doubt your husband's love throughout your marriage. His brain is damaged by this cruel disease and if it is affecting the frontal lobe of the brain, it is not unusual to get this type of behavior and attitude. It definitely does not mean he had those thoughts, beliefs and ideas before the Dementia. The hateful things he says are symptoms of his illness, nothing more. It does not still them being hurtful and upsetting though. Sending you a virtual hug. Xx
     
  16. TriciaBee

    TriciaBee Registered User

    Jul 27, 2018
    16
    Again, thank you all. The idea of ‘losing or damaging’ the phone is a good one. I will need to enlist the help of the staff with that one. No, mobile phones are not ideal in a Care Home but no one has ever suggested that he shouldn’t have one - I wish they had.
    As for getting a cat of my own, I would love to have one but I think that one day I may get my life back and be able to go away once in a while myself. In the meantime I just enjoy cat-sitting!
     
  17. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,196
    East of England
    This is a difficult question and one I have thought about over the time he has been getting worse and worse memory wise and physically so weak, crying for somebody help me. I have finally realised that the only person I can turn to is myself and I have had to re-remember what it was like doing things alone when I can but still tied to looking after him. This transition has been painful and slow but I am getting used to it. I am getting a bit more selfish as I no longer feel the need to do things I don’t want to do. One has to draw on all one’s inner strength and I just hope I don’t run out. I know others have a much worse experience than I do but to see my husband reduced to a shadow of what he was takes some doing and it isn’t over yet. Thinking of you all as you try to answer the impossible question.
     
  18. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,142
    I agree so much with what everyone says. A friend is in a similar position but her husband has now lost interest in the phone. He was using it as first port of call. Perhaps get your another phone? You could just put the old one on just before you visit but try to wean him off. You must jump every time the phone rings.
    Well done, on your long marriage. X
     
  19. Caz60

    Caz60 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    252
    Lancashire
     
  20. Caz60

    Caz60 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    252
    Lancashire
    Hi Tricia Bee,.How are you doing hope you are feeling better after your conversations with people and there opinions..Things will get better for you I'm sure
    Nothing can change what you and your hubby had same with me so I walk around with love all around me ....it works for me ....I didn't want you to think I am being hard or selfish but you have to carry on .
    I'm happy my hubby is safe and cared for and I try and separate my life from the visits.
    Although I have been today and they are monitoring his feeding as he has lost so much weight and somehow my thoughts went to you .Tonight I'm broken again but I must pick myself up and be strong .
    Sending hugs xx
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.