Who am I Mom ?

davidc

Registered User
Oct 9, 2009
3
0
West Midlands
Who am I Mom, my mom knows me by name but each visit asks “How is your Mom keeping” I tell her “you are my Mom” she answers no one ever told me or I can’t be. This will repeat four to five times each visit. Each time we become colder and more distant with one another.

Both my father and other siblings are able to visit on a much more frequent basis than me and enter into everyday chat about family life. Every visit I try to be positive go with a smile but we do not get far without the question of “How is your Mom keeping” each visit ends with me feeling I do not match up to the others who cope much better and give her the feeling of normality.

Give the answer “she is ok” “oh she is not so bad”? I can’t face that, that lady in the chair is the only bit of my mom I have left now. White lies about family members who have passed I can handle but denying she is my Mom I cannot handle.
 

Butter

Registered User
Jan 19, 2012
6,737
0
NeverNeverLand
I am so very sorry - but does it tell you she is closest to you - that she feels herself most bound up in you? But she doesn't know how. It is as if she has lost herself in you?

Do you think you could say: 'We're fine Mom. We're doing OK. All's well. Isn't it good to be here.'

Words of affection and companionship?

Maybe I am wrong - but our identity can go all over the place with these diseases. I am so glad you manage to visit. You are being a great help to her - especially as you can answer questions with love and sympathy.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
Give the answer “she is ok” “oh she is not so bad”? I can’t face that, that lady in the chair is the only bit of my mom I have left now. White lies about family members who have passed I can handle but denying she is my Mom I cannot handle.

It is difficult I face it, our daughter and grandchildren face it as does our son.

To me to have my husband feeling safe and comfortable with us is what we treasure. I can be his wife, his mother or 'the other one' on any of my visits. My husband will often ask our daughter how mother is. I am never sure if he is seeing our daughter as me ( in my younger days) and asking about me sitting next to him, or is he asking after his own mother long since dead. She will answer fine and may elaborate a bit with something like 'she is fine and enjoying some time in the garden'. He is happy with our replies. making him happy is what we strive to do.

My husband might not know who we are on some days and that is sad for us but we know who he is, we love and treasure our time with him.

Last week on one of our visits his carer said to him 'look who is here' He turned saw our daughter and said 'Oh it's you', his carer then said and who else. he looked at me and smiled and turned to her and said ' and that's the other one'. I can live with that.

We have lived with this a long time so find it so much easier than you will be at the moment. Your Mum is muddled, everything is there but in the wrong order so by contradicting her thoughts as she interprets them will possibly muddle and confuse her more, even upset her. By saying your Mum is fine is not lying if she is looking fine or she is a little under the weather but getting better if she is a little out of sorts. You are just using the word 'she' and not 'you'. You are not denying your Mum, she is there, she is your Mum, different from the Mum you had but your lovely Mum none the less.

I too tried to get my husband to see it as it was to begin with but soon learnt that we both coped better and had more harmony when I went along with his view on life.

Remember you can escape the muddle of thoughts that are now your Mums, she can't so help her deal with them by accepting. Not easy but it will come.

Take care,

Jay
 
Last edited:

emmajane88

Registered User
Oct 10, 2012
8
0
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle with this. My grandmother is similar and we all find it very hard.

Even though you say you couldn't answer her question, I would urge you to try. You have to remember that its real to her and by arguing or telling her different you cause conflict between you.

I would answer like this : 'Shes ok, I love her very much you know.' these words are positive and affectionate. I've noticed with my nana that its not so much what I say but the words and tone that I use. You could even ask her how hers is back? You never know she may be seeing you as a good friend whose parents knew eachother - try to enjoy that feeling - she clearly cares about and loves you, even if not in the way you want. Acceptance is key.

You may find it hard to begin with but its worth this initial difficultly for the improvement in the time you spend together.

God bless
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle with this. My grandmother is similar and we all find it very hard.

Even though you say you couldn't answer her question, I would urge you to try. You have to remember that its real to her and by arguing or telling her different you cause conflict between you.

I would answer like this : 'Shes ok, I love her very much you know.' these words are positive and affectionate. I've noticed with my nana that its not so much what I say but the words and tone that I use. You could even ask her how hers is back? You never know she may be seeing you as a good friend whose parents knew eachother - try to enjoy that feeling - she clearly cares about and loves you, even if not in the way you want. Acceptance is key.

You may find it hard to begin with but its worth this initial difficultly for the improvement in the time you spend together.

God bless

I agree. When I visit my Husband he very,very rarely recognises me, but he does respond to a friendly face (and chocolates:D).He used to think my name was Billy (the dogs name-and he hates the dog:confused:)

At the moment he's gone past asking about his dead Mum and Dad-but it could reappear at any time.When he did ask where they were I just used to say 'they will be here soon/the weather was bad so they can't visit at the moment'.

In effect I join his world as he can no longer exist in mine.It's more comfortable that way and why give him more sadness by contradicting what he says. Well done for visiting when you feel so sad, you are doing well by your Mum.

Take care

Lyn T
 

fruelim

Registered User
Jul 24, 2013
7
0
i honestly and truthfully dont know what you must be feeling like. my mom has dementia and i care for her mostly with my sister who works a lot of shifts in a hospital so she doesnt get to see her more than an hour or so a week whereas i spend most days with her. my other 2 sisters dont give a monkeys what happens to my mom i had to take the lead and stop her from giveing them money as this was the only time they came when they was skint now they dont come at all now i have controll over her money and liveing. i kind of think she will get like this with them but if it was with me it would feel like the world is caveing in around me. however if your true to your mom and want whats best for her just respect what she says and dont take it to heart cos you know if she didnt have this disease then she wouldnt be saying the things she does. try not to contradict her as this will confuse her already confused mind... best of luck to you i really feel your pain