Not had a good visit again today, mum looked so sad and tired and old and frail, it was heart breaking to see her looking so low. I cried a bit as we were leaving and a lot afterwards. I just want to make things better for her but can't and I feel so bad for her being there and feeling so sad and alone.
Mum was sat in corridor when we arrived and so was the lady who walks up and down corridor a lot. Carer told mum we were here and they came over to door and sat in chair carer had put there for her and carer said she'd leave us to it and asked the walking lady if she wanted to go with her so they both went off down corridor. I'm glad they had a chair for her today as mum looked shattered like she wouldn't have been able to stand for long and I think if she'd been standing again today she'd have left pretty quickly, even sat down we only managed about 15 minutes. I didn't recognise mums t-shirt at first today and wondered if it was someone elses but then I realised it's her pyjama t-shirt. Mum mustn't have realised and thought it was a day t-shirt, it was a plain v-neck t-shirt, it has nothing night time on it so easy done I suppose. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset her as she looked so sad today. Mum asked if we were coming in and I said we couldn't but we could chat to her here, she was talking quiet so I asked her to speak up a bit but mum said everybody would hear, I said others had gone but mum said they'll still hear they can hear everything here. I asked how she was and was she ok after her fall yesterday. Mum said No she was awful, she was fed up and she could cry. She said something about being fed up there and not liking it and It's costing me a blooming fortune. I said It doesn't cost you anything mum you don't have to pay for anything. Mum said Well they keep asking me for some and me being soft I give it them. Don't know what she was on about there but think she was mixing something up. Mum said Well I'm hoping to go home soon cos I've had enough in here anyway. I'm sick of it.
During visit mum kept sitting back in chair slumped and leaning against radiator shelf next to chair and closing her eyes. She looked shattered which isn't surprising I suppose if she's barely eating. After first five minutes or so mum starting saying every so often I'll let you go, or I'm going to go cos I feel a bit yuck or a bit sick. I said she probably felt sick cos she wasn't eating and asked her to try eating then she'd feel better and build her strength up so she wasn't so wobbly and fall. Mum said It's not easy. I asked her why she wasn't eating, what was wrong and mum said she couldn't be bothered, she didn't want to do owt, she didn't want to eat. She said it's not horrible food really just bland and I don't want it. She also said later on when talked about feeling sick and not eating again that they were always going on at her too trying to get her to eat but she doesn't want to. I said it's because they care like I do and want her to eat and feel better. Mum said something that I didn't catch all of but it was something about someone bringing her some chips in to eat with her and telling her not to tell the others and mum said she'd told her they'd be able to smell em, mum did smile when she told us that. I asked if she ate some chips but mum didn't answer she just said I'll be better when I get home.
She asked if she was coming home with us and then asked why she was there. I told her the Drs still wanted to keep an eye on her. Mum said she wasn't in hospital and so I said no but she'd come there after hospital so they could keep an eye on her. Mum said she was coming home soon she hoped in a couple of weeks. I told her she needed to build her strength up. I said I've brought you another goody bag. Mum said You don't have to keep bringing me things. I said I'm trying to fatten you up so that when we can come see you properly I can give you a big hug and not break you. I said There's some more sweets biscuits and crisps in and some magazines. Mum said Thanks but I might not bother I don't want to do owt. I said I put you a new puzzle book and pen in too in case yours runs out after all those puzzles and she did smile at that.
She rested her head on her hand on shelf and shut her eyes for a minute, she looked so tired and thin today. I showed her a few photos of her great grandson on my phone and she sat forward to look at them and smiled for a couple of minutes and mum said She sent me some last week, meaning the photos I'd printed and took her last week so she'd remembered she had them . We talked about how cute he was and said how after lock down maybe sis can bring him down for a visit. We chatted a few minutes about lockdown and not being able to go anywhere. Mum said it was terrible cos nobody could do anything and all these places are shut and people losing their jobs and not being able to see people. I said Hopefully soon it'll start slowing down and things will start opening again and we can start seeing people properly . You need to start eating again and put some weight back on cos when the shops open and we can start going out again you'll need to be nice and strong to walk round all the shops and carry all the bags full of stuff we'll buy and she smiled at that. She asked if her mum was ok so I just said Yeah she is and then she asked if my sister was ok and if I'd seen her. I said I'd not seen her cos we couldn't but we text and she's ok. I told mum sis had said she loved her lots and wanted her to fatten up a bit so she could give her a big hug when she can come visit and mum smiled at that.
We managed a few odd minutes of conversation here and there and the odd small smile but they didn't last long, mum looked so tired and fed up. She said sorry she wasn't chatty but she could cry and she was fed up. The walking lady came past a couple of times and came up to mums chair and said we're ok and are you ok and mum said yes we're ok . Mum was gentle with her but when she walked away second time mum said she drives me mad. They all do they're all same people here. There's one row of folk and then there's another row of folk and they're all the same. I wasn't sure what she meant exactly but think she was bored and fed up. Then mum said she was going to go again cos she felt a bit yuck a bit sick and rubbed her tummy. I said it was probably cos she was hungry and not eating so would she try eat something. Mum said I'm skinny look I've lost my belly and showed us her flat tummy, she said look and put her fingers round her wrist which had lots of space and mum hasn't got big hands and then mum said and I'm covered in bruises. I asked her again to try eat and said if she ate she'd get bit stronger and not be as wobbly on her feet and wouldn't bump herself or fall. Mum said she didn't want to, she couldn't be bothered she just wanted to cry. I told her I was sorry she was sad and I loved her lots and wanted her to feel better. She noticed a band she's had on her wrist a few weeks then and said she didn't know why she had it on. I said throw it in bin then and mum said I've got used to it. She had it round her wrist when I had first window visit and she said it had been wrapped round something and she'd popped it on her wrist but couldn't remember what it was from. I thought she'd used it as a hair bobble first time I saw it as she used to put her hair in ponytail before for a while and then put bobble round her wrist. She had it on last week too, dunno what it is or what she does with it but seems like she forgets it's there and why but just leaves it there.
Mum said she was going to go again then and said she wanted a cup of tea to see if it stopped her feeling yuk. I said have a biscuit with it that might help and mum said Oh aye I will. She got up to go and said bye so I asked her to ask someone to buzz us out. I told her I loved her lots and would see her next week and she said ok. Then she asked what did she have to do with the chair and I told her leave it they'd move it for her. Mum said Ok then said bye and went to walk away but turned back round lookign a bit lost and said What have I got to do? I said Ask someone to let us out of gate. Mum said Ok, had a look round then said I'll go down here, I shouted love you lots and we said bye again as last week mum didn't come back when carer came to let us out. I was crying a bit as she left cos it was just so sad seeing her looking so sad and thin and unsure. A minute later mum came back with carer and walking lady and hubby passed mums goody bag in to carer while I shouted bye to mum, told her see you next week and love you lots, mum said bye to us then asked carer if bag was for her. I didn't hear what carer said but think it was something about wiping it for her first and then she told us she'd buzz us out and so we said bye again and waved and mum did a little wave back and so did the walking lady.
We'd only been there about 15 minutes but mum was struggling to chat and I thought she might go get a drink and a biscuit if we left so I hope she did though it wasn't long till lunch so they may not give her anything till then in hope she had lunch which from what mum said and way she seemed is unlikely. I hated leaving her there so unhappy. I hate dementia and I hate covid and I hate feeling useless to help mum