Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!
- Thread starter annielou
- Start date
Hi Annielou
I've just caught up with reading your thread and wanted to say I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time with caring for your mum, and now the worry with your hubby too. It can't be good for either of you having to go back and forth to your mum's during the day, and her being so confused and not remembering that you have been to see her.
You and hubby must be desperate for a break and some quality time together. If the carers starting on the 25th work out, could you increase their visits to 3 times a day a couple of times a week to free you up. If this didn't work out you would then be able to show SS that your mum needs more care than you are able to give.
I do remember SS telling me that if mum didn't want to shower or change her clothes, it was her choice. They didn't understand that mum thought she was showering and changing. My mum would have been horrified, it was so horrible to arrive and see mum in dirty clothes, so different to what she used to be like. Now she is in the care home she is always dressed in clean clothes, with her hair neatly combed.
I imagine SS are trying to save money, but I do think some of the social workers haven't a clue about dementia.
Sending you hugs and hoping you can sort out the help you need for your mum X
I've just caught up with reading your thread and wanted to say I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time with caring for your mum, and now the worry with your hubby too. It can't be good for either of you having to go back and forth to your mum's during the day, and her being so confused and not remembering that you have been to see her.
You and hubby must be desperate for a break and some quality time together. If the carers starting on the 25th work out, could you increase their visits to 3 times a day a couple of times a week to free you up. If this didn't work out you would then be able to show SS that your mum needs more care than you are able to give.
I do remember SS telling me that if mum didn't want to shower or change her clothes, it was her choice. They didn't understand that mum thought she was showering and changing. My mum would have been horrified, it was so horrible to arrive and see mum in dirty clothes, so different to what she used to be like. Now she is in the care home she is always dressed in clean clothes, with her hair neatly combed.
I imagine SS are trying to save money, but I do think some of the social workers haven't a clue about dementia.
Sending you hugs and hoping you can sort out the help you need for your mum X
So many people on here give so much sound advise so I am going to start by sending you some hugs ????
You are worrying about your Mum all the time and now worrying about hubby but there is you too trying to make things right which can’t be righted. That takes so much Inner strength but it can only be maintained for so long.
I am pleased to hear that you will be having Carers come in on the Weekend mornings
Take any help that you can get from sister and I hope that she is still coming down. I know you won’t want to ‘let go‘ but please let sister visit your Mum on her own. It will help her understand What is happening and you and hubby need the break. Even if sister stays with you and hubby is working from home I think it will just give your brain a little time to repair.
I keep all crossed that you get some progress from social services this week.
You are worrying about your Mum all the time and now worrying about hubby but there is you too trying to make things right which can’t be righted. That takes so much Inner strength but it can only be maintained for so long.
I am pleased to hear that you will be having Carers come in on the Weekend mornings
Take any help that you can get from sister and I hope that she is still coming down. I know you won’t want to ‘let go‘ but please let sister visit your Mum on her own. It will help her understand What is happening and you and hubby need the break. Even if sister stays with you and hubby is working from home I think it will just give your brain a little time to repair.
I keep all crossed that you get some progress from social services this week.
Thanks @anxious annie @Bikerbeth xx
My mum would be horrified too she can't bear people who aren't clean in themselves or houses, which is why I find it so hard to get used to now.
I think carers coming and doing morning tablets might help as mum often calms down later on if she is het up in morning so maybe by time hubby and I go before lunch she'll be better than when we go earlier on, or she might just move being het up to later but we'll see. I do wonder if her tablets are wearing off in morning and then they start working again over next hour. I don't think carers could do extra visits and as mum pays it with her AA and it already is all used on curent visits it would cost quite a bit more for extra visits. If I didn't go over in day she wouldn't eat properly, take tablets and would be on phone to me a lot I think confused and upset and accusing me of abandoning her.
Sis was hoping to come weekend after next but she may be able to come this coming weekend instead. If she can come either time I will let her come even though I'm still worried about virus. She'd be here just for weekend and would stay with us and would go to mums in day like I do. Mum will want to see me too so I will probably see her a bit, but not as much so at least we will get a bit of break. It will also give sis and I chance to talk in person. Sis is hoping SS will be able to do assessment on a friday and on a weekend her partner is home and she isn't working so she can come down to be here for it.
My mum would be horrified too she can't bear people who aren't clean in themselves or houses, which is why I find it so hard to get used to now.
I think carers coming and doing morning tablets might help as mum often calms down later on if she is het up in morning so maybe by time hubby and I go before lunch she'll be better than when we go earlier on, or she might just move being het up to later but we'll see. I do wonder if her tablets are wearing off in morning and then they start working again over next hour. I don't think carers could do extra visits and as mum pays it with her AA and it already is all used on curent visits it would cost quite a bit more for extra visits. If I didn't go over in day she wouldn't eat properly, take tablets and would be on phone to me a lot I think confused and upset and accusing me of abandoning her.
Sis was hoping to come weekend after next but she may be able to come this coming weekend instead. If she can come either time I will let her come even though I'm still worried about virus. She'd be here just for weekend and would stay with us and would go to mums in day like I do. Mum will want to see me too so I will probably see her a bit, but not as much so at least we will get a bit of break. It will also give sis and I chance to talk in person. Sis is hoping SS will be able to do assessment on a friday and on a weekend her partner is home and she isn't working so she can come down to be here for it.
It was a bad start to the day with mum today but it did get better after first hour or so. When I rang to say I was setting off this morning mum said Ok I'm just putting my washing out, I said I'll see you soon and she said ok love. I thought that meant she hadn't though of coming to our house today so decided to just let hubby drop me off and I'd stay at mums and him come home. I thought it might be good for him to not have to deal with mum directly today.
Mum said hello when I arrived but sounded grumpy. After I washed my hands and gave her tablets she asked me why I was there on a Sunday and said she didn't see me on Sundays, I should be with hubby. I said I always see you on Sunday. Mum said she didn't want me there, she didn't know I was coming today, I told her I'd rung her before I set off. Mum said she didn't listen to me on phone and didn't know what I said and didn't know it was sunday. She said I don't want you here all I want to do is shoot W(my dad). Then she said she hadn't had no sleep because he was here, he didn't come in was just hovering about so I just came in I didn't care I hope his bloody legs drop off.
She was quite upset about it so I told her he wasn't there he was dead now. Mum said No he's not, at Christmas he was here and said he wanted to live with C. I tried telling her not to be upset over him he was gone now. Mum said Well I just want to be here on my own whatever I think. So I thought I'd change tack and I said Well if I'm here he won't come. It didn't work mum said I want you to go home. I told her I couldn't now cos hubby had gone home. I suggested it be better to have some company rather than being on her own thinking about dad but she said she'd rather be on own and be miserable.
She asked me a couple of times if I was going home and I said hubby had gone home and I didn't want to ask him to come back out. On one of times she asked Are you going home now 'friend' I said again I couldn't because hubby had gone home which made her ask why I said hubbys name, he was with our Andrea. I said I was our Andrea. She said our Andrea doesn't come on sundays. I said I come everyday mum. She asked why I was saying I was our Andrea now when I hadn't before so I said I hadn't known she didn't know who I was before and I hadn't said I was anybody. She then said I meant out Andrea and shook her head at me, I don't know what that meant.
I had been messaging my sister and we'd said see if I could get to lunch to give her tablet and if still wanting to be on own then to go home. So I sat for a while and didn't say anything and mum did some of her puzzle. After about half an hour her washer finished and mum said she was going to put it out so I asked if she wanted me to help and she said I could. After we'd put it out it was about 1/2 past 12 so we had lunch and she was ok with me then. We put Voice kids on which mum seemed to enjoy even though she said she hated programmes like that as not fair on kids and then we watched a film and some a place in the sun. I made mum and I some dinner and hubby came through after he had his at home and we left mums about 7.
During the afternoon she mentioned dad a lot, asked where's W do we know, she kept saying he was here at christmas and said he wanted go with C. She also asked few times Who did you say was dead about 4 year? Or So you think W has been dead 4 years and would look puzzled or shake her head when I answered. She said if her mum was alive she'd know and could tell her. She said Our Andrea hasn't been, I rang her yesterday and she didn't talk to me. I said I was her and know that doesn't make sense cos she shook her head, mum said I rang her yesterday but she didn't talk to me, I said you rang me twice yesterday mum I talked to you both times, Mum said she didn't talk to me whoever she was, I rang about 7 o'clock. Then she'd say I haven't seen my kids.
About 4 o'clock she started talking about being in wrong house as well. She said out of the blue I came here and then I found out this was my house, I might as well have been where I was. This house is where I lived. Then she told me people who lived in her row but thought they were from other house and were now here. She asked if she'd lived here long. I said 13 years. She said could remember our Andrea painting walls but it's not the house we lived in down thingy is it?. Weren't I with W and we lived near them and we had them outhouses didn't we but they're here now so I know we were here before. I can' t remember what year we lived in it. I told her this is her house for last 13 year and hadn't lived with W for 29 year. It was a quite confusing conversation
Then it switched to me being our Andrea again and mum said I rung her up and said she hadn't seen me, oh I shouldn't have should I. I said it's ok mum doesn't matter. She asked if I was with hubby, did I live in -- so I said yes and yes. Mum said I rung and told her off for not seeing me but she didn't say anything but I was wrong. I told her not worry bout it.
She asked about her rent and did she have to pay or let council know cos she was back she hadn't been here for ages but I told her it was all sorted when she moved in and it was still valid now. She said again if my mum was still alive she have known, if she was alive she'd have been younger and so would I, mind you if I was younger I'd know myself. You know them outhouses outside I'm going to have a look see if there's things of W's is here. I said there's nothing in there of his mum he never lived here. Well those seats outside are still here, if they're here it means W lived here and I bet his stuff is. I told her it's not mum only your things are in there. Another confusing conversation.
Mum said So you think I'm in wrong place. I said No mum I think you're in right place, she said it's near where I went for this- and I did that when lived with W. I said You went there after you moved here but not when you were with W. Has this one got one bedroom? Yes this house has only got one bedroom. Is this the one with one and other has more. I said You don't have another one mum. She said I know you say that. I said This is your house and this is where you live. Mum said Didn't I live in that house with W, I said You live here you haven't lived with dad for years. So I'm staying here? Yes this is where you should be mum. Will there be my furniture in my other house? I said No you brought your furniture here if it looks different it's cos you've bought new over years. Mum said So I'm not up there where I used to be. I said No you live here this is right place. Mum said Ok but I won't be here if I have to pay rent. I told her she didn't need to pay as all these houses had pensioners on housing benefit like her that's what they're for. So is he living in our house? I said he was living with C and then he died, mum said thought she was in home so I explained dad lived with C for years and she went in home few months before he died. Mum said Ok.
A bit before hubby came mum asked who else had been here, I said just me, mum said I thought someone else had been here was it our Andrea? I said I am our Andrea mum it's just me been here so mum said Oh ok. After a few minutes mum asked Do you live at - I said yes, mum asked if was a long time and when I said almost 26 year she said I'll have been to your house lots of times then. I said Oh yes loads of times and mum said good. Not long after that hubby came. Mum said hello to him by name and we waited ten minutes till programme we were watching finished and then we left about 7 and mum called me Andrea when we left.
Mum said hello when I arrived but sounded grumpy. After I washed my hands and gave her tablets she asked me why I was there on a Sunday and said she didn't see me on Sundays, I should be with hubby. I said I always see you on Sunday. Mum said she didn't want me there, she didn't know I was coming today, I told her I'd rung her before I set off. Mum said she didn't listen to me on phone and didn't know what I said and didn't know it was sunday. She said I don't want you here all I want to do is shoot W(my dad). Then she said she hadn't had no sleep because he was here, he didn't come in was just hovering about so I just came in I didn't care I hope his bloody legs drop off.
She was quite upset about it so I told her he wasn't there he was dead now. Mum said No he's not, at Christmas he was here and said he wanted to live with C. I tried telling her not to be upset over him he was gone now. Mum said Well I just want to be here on my own whatever I think. So I thought I'd change tack and I said Well if I'm here he won't come. It didn't work mum said I want you to go home. I told her I couldn't now cos hubby had gone home. I suggested it be better to have some company rather than being on her own thinking about dad but she said she'd rather be on own and be miserable.
She asked me a couple of times if I was going home and I said hubby had gone home and I didn't want to ask him to come back out. On one of times she asked Are you going home now 'friend' I said again I couldn't because hubby had gone home which made her ask why I said hubbys name, he was with our Andrea. I said I was our Andrea. She said our Andrea doesn't come on sundays. I said I come everyday mum. She asked why I was saying I was our Andrea now when I hadn't before so I said I hadn't known she didn't know who I was before and I hadn't said I was anybody. She then said I meant out Andrea and shook her head at me, I don't know what that meant.
I had been messaging my sister and we'd said see if I could get to lunch to give her tablet and if still wanting to be on own then to go home. So I sat for a while and didn't say anything and mum did some of her puzzle. After about half an hour her washer finished and mum said she was going to put it out so I asked if she wanted me to help and she said I could. After we'd put it out it was about 1/2 past 12 so we had lunch and she was ok with me then. We put Voice kids on which mum seemed to enjoy even though she said she hated programmes like that as not fair on kids and then we watched a film and some a place in the sun. I made mum and I some dinner and hubby came through after he had his at home and we left mums about 7.
During the afternoon she mentioned dad a lot, asked where's W do we know, she kept saying he was here at christmas and said he wanted go with C. She also asked few times Who did you say was dead about 4 year? Or So you think W has been dead 4 years and would look puzzled or shake her head when I answered. She said if her mum was alive she'd know and could tell her. She said Our Andrea hasn't been, I rang her yesterday and she didn't talk to me. I said I was her and know that doesn't make sense cos she shook her head, mum said I rang her yesterday but she didn't talk to me, I said you rang me twice yesterday mum I talked to you both times, Mum said she didn't talk to me whoever she was, I rang about 7 o'clock. Then she'd say I haven't seen my kids.
About 4 o'clock she started talking about being in wrong house as well. She said out of the blue I came here and then I found out this was my house, I might as well have been where I was. This house is where I lived. Then she told me people who lived in her row but thought they were from other house and were now here. She asked if she'd lived here long. I said 13 years. She said could remember our Andrea painting walls but it's not the house we lived in down thingy is it?. Weren't I with W and we lived near them and we had them outhouses didn't we but they're here now so I know we were here before. I can' t remember what year we lived in it. I told her this is her house for last 13 year and hadn't lived with W for 29 year. It was a quite confusing conversation
Then it switched to me being our Andrea again and mum said I rung her up and said she hadn't seen me, oh I shouldn't have should I. I said it's ok mum doesn't matter. She asked if I was with hubby, did I live in -- so I said yes and yes. Mum said I rung and told her off for not seeing me but she didn't say anything but I was wrong. I told her not worry bout it.
She asked about her rent and did she have to pay or let council know cos she was back she hadn't been here for ages but I told her it was all sorted when she moved in and it was still valid now. She said again if my mum was still alive she have known, if she was alive she'd have been younger and so would I, mind you if I was younger I'd know myself. You know them outhouses outside I'm going to have a look see if there's things of W's is here. I said there's nothing in there of his mum he never lived here. Well those seats outside are still here, if they're here it means W lived here and I bet his stuff is. I told her it's not mum only your things are in there. Another confusing conversation.
Mum said So you think I'm in wrong place. I said No mum I think you're in right place, she said it's near where I went for this- and I did that when lived with W. I said You went there after you moved here but not when you were with W. Has this one got one bedroom? Yes this house has only got one bedroom. Is this the one with one and other has more. I said You don't have another one mum. She said I know you say that. I said This is your house and this is where you live. Mum said Didn't I live in that house with W, I said You live here you haven't lived with dad for years. So I'm staying here? Yes this is where you should be mum. Will there be my furniture in my other house? I said No you brought your furniture here if it looks different it's cos you've bought new over years. Mum said So I'm not up there where I used to be. I said No you live here this is right place. Mum said Ok but I won't be here if I have to pay rent. I told her she didn't need to pay as all these houses had pensioners on housing benefit like her that's what they're for. So is he living in our house? I said he was living with C and then he died, mum said thought she was in home so I explained dad lived with C for years and she went in home few months before he died. Mum said Ok.
A bit before hubby came mum asked who else had been here, I said just me, mum said I thought someone else had been here was it our Andrea? I said I am our Andrea mum it's just me been here so mum said Oh ok. After a few minutes mum asked Do you live at - I said yes, mum asked if was a long time and when I said almost 26 year she said I'll have been to your house lots of times then. I said Oh yes loads of times and mum said good. Not long after that hubby came. Mum said hello to him by name and we waited ten minutes till programme we were watching finished and then we left about 7 and mum called me Andrea when we left.
If extra care hours are approved by SS your LA will pay the excess that your Mum cannot afford, in the same way they make up the extra for a Care Home place.
My LA insisted The Banjoman had four Care visits a day before they considered Residential Care. They had to see that didn’t work before agreeing to look at anything else.
My LA insisted The Banjoman had four Care visits a day before they considered Residential Care. They had to see that didn’t work before agreeing to look at anything else.
Glad things improved and hope you had no late calls ? Wishing an easier day for you today .?? Hope hubby can get through to Gp as quickly as you did last week . X
Thanks @Banjomansmate @Woo2 xx
I think SS may suggest try visits too, which if it's procedure we may well have to do but it's a shame as we'll have to swap agencies and last time they were going to provide carers they couldn't guarantee times came and agency they found weren't at good times for mum. We'll have to give SS all mum AA and extra pension credit she gets to pay for carers so won't be able to pay for ones she has now and she'll be on her own for long periods in between carers as well as on a night which she is struggling with, but I suppose that's what they want to see if she manages or struggles. It seems so harsh and awful that as we think mum needs more support we'd have to give her less and leave her on her own more.
No calls last night, I hope that means she was settled and got some sleep and I hope she hasn't thought she's seen dad again as she keeps thinking she has seen him inside or outside now which is upsetting her.
Hubby got through to DRs this morning and a nurse is calling him this morning, he told receptionist he had pains in his chest and he'd had gastritis in past and its like that so nurse will probably suggest something for that. I've told him to make sure tells her that he's stressed and how he feels when it happens and that he feels sick and sweaty, not just say it's same as before, just in case it is something else. He does tend to get sweaty and feel sick whenever he feels unwell or panics, so that bit might be him panicking, but I said he should tell her how it feels not just say same as before. It probably is same thing but I think he's better to explain how it feels first.
I think SS may suggest try visits too, which if it's procedure we may well have to do but it's a shame as we'll have to swap agencies and last time they were going to provide carers they couldn't guarantee times came and agency they found weren't at good times for mum. We'll have to give SS all mum AA and extra pension credit she gets to pay for carers so won't be able to pay for ones she has now and she'll be on her own for long periods in between carers as well as on a night which she is struggling with, but I suppose that's what they want to see if she manages or struggles. It seems so harsh and awful that as we think mum needs more support we'd have to give her less and leave her on her own more.
No calls last night, I hope that means she was settled and got some sleep and I hope she hasn't thought she's seen dad again as she keeps thinking she has seen him inside or outside now which is upsetting her.
Hubby got through to DRs this morning and a nurse is calling him this morning, he told receptionist he had pains in his chest and he'd had gastritis in past and its like that so nurse will probably suggest something for that. I've told him to make sure tells her that he's stressed and how he feels when it happens and that he feels sick and sweaty, not just say it's same as before, just in case it is something else. He does tend to get sweaty and feel sick whenever he feels unwell or panics, so that bit might be him panicking, but I said he should tell her how it feels not just say same as before. It probably is same thing but I think he's better to explain how it feels first.
Hi Annielou
Sorry to hear you didn't have such a good day yesterday. When mum was at home SS did an assessment of her needs , then she was given a "budget" and she could choose what to spend it on , day care or carers coming in, she also had AA. Mum did have to pay some money towards her care as she has a good works pension as well as state. I think like Banjomansmate says you do have to try 4 daily visits , and if mum needs more then they would go for residential. You would have to stress her anxiety and confusion at the assessment and say you can't help as much as you are doing now before they give her the carer visits.
It's good that your sister is coming to give you some help, it would be good if you and hubby could have a proper break whilst she's with you and not go to your mums. As your mum is so confused that she often tells you to leave, she would be OK seeing just your sister on those visits and would give your sister a clearer picture so you and she could talk about mums needs.
Pleased that hubby is in touch with the Drs, hope they can help him as that would be one less thing for you to worry about. Take care xx
Sorry to hear you didn't have such a good day yesterday. When mum was at home SS did an assessment of her needs , then she was given a "budget" and she could choose what to spend it on , day care or carers coming in, she also had AA. Mum did have to pay some money towards her care as she has a good works pension as well as state. I think like Banjomansmate says you do have to try 4 daily visits , and if mum needs more then they would go for residential. You would have to stress her anxiety and confusion at the assessment and say you can't help as much as you are doing now before they give her the carer visits.
It's good that your sister is coming to give you some help, it would be good if you and hubby could have a proper break whilst she's with you and not go to your mums. As your mum is so confused that she often tells you to leave, she would be OK seeing just your sister on those visits and would give your sister a clearer picture so you and she could talk about mums needs.
Pleased that hubby is in touch with the Drs, hope they can help him as that would be one less thing for you to worry about. Take care xx
I agree that you should hand over completely to sister when she is here, after all she is coming to give you a break so take it.....
Your mum thinks you haven’t been when you have so you being there won’t change that, she misses you even when your there....
You need to back away....
I think if your forced by SS to leave Mum to 4 carers you need to be saying very strongly that you are concerned for her safety and you know 4 carers is not going to keep mum safe, due to her constant confusion and threat to go to her other house to find your dad and her Mum.....tell them you will be holding them accountable if anything happens because you are making it very clear she is not safe and it’s their duty to safeguard her.
Tell them you are also going to be raising your concern at their decision with head of services and your MP....and please do so.
You are speaking up for your Mum now because she is unable to do it for herself anymore.
It may be all about money and funding in their eyes but for you it’s all about your mums needs and keeping her safe 24 hours a day not just when carer visits.
Carers visits like that are fine and good for some people but with your Mum dementia needs it’s not enough at all.
Your mum thinks you haven’t been when you have so you being there won’t change that, she misses you even when your there....
You need to back away....
I think if your forced by SS to leave Mum to 4 carers you need to be saying very strongly that you are concerned for her safety and you know 4 carers is not going to keep mum safe, due to her constant confusion and threat to go to her other house to find your dad and her Mum.....tell them you will be holding them accountable if anything happens because you are making it very clear she is not safe and it’s their duty to safeguard her.
Tell them you are also going to be raising your concern at their decision with head of services and your MP....and please do so.
You are speaking up for your Mum now because she is unable to do it for herself anymore.
It may be all about money and funding in their eyes but for you it’s all about your mums needs and keeping her safe 24 hours a day not just when carer visits.
Carers visits like that are fine and good for some people but with your Mum dementia needs it’s not enough at all.
Thanks @anxious annie @DianeW xx
Will try to stress that to them DianeW thanks for tips what to say its a really big help. X
Sis will try to see mum on own but mum will know she is staying with me so will keep asking to come see me too. But she will do most of visiting.
Hubby had call back from a DR This morning, She asked quite a lot of questions including what felt like etc, general health, etc, She asked about stress and he told her about mum. She said stress is big cause of heartburn type pains. Sounds like he’s producing excess stomach acid so prescribed him omneprazol and he’s to ring back in few weeks so she can see how doing or if has any other problems or gets worse to ring before then. If this not helping will do tests to see if bacteria problem in gut or something else causing pain.
Will try to stress that to them DianeW thanks for tips what to say its a really big help. X
Sis will try to see mum on own but mum will know she is staying with me so will keep asking to come see me too. But she will do most of visiting.
Hubby had call back from a DR This morning, She asked quite a lot of questions including what felt like etc, general health, etc, She asked about stress and he told her about mum. She said stress is big cause of heartburn type pains. Sounds like he’s producing excess stomach acid so prescribed him omneprazol and he’s to ring back in few weeks so she can see how doing or if has any other problems or gets worse to ring before then. If this not helping will do tests to see if bacteria problem in gut or something else causing pain.
I’m glad hubby got to speak to Dr, I used to produce too much acid , (chewing gum and not eating ) and the pains were awful . Hope the tablets work and he is feeling a bit better soon . Great advice from @DianeW , I too would be reiterating that they have the duty of care not you ! And also yes please leave sister to do all the visits, tablets etc , she can tell mum that you two have gone away , gone to see hubby’s family , anything that you think she will accept easily , but please make the most of those few days for you and hubby . ?
Please don’t waste your sisters visit, let her go to mums and deal with her for the whole day, you need this break.
Mum will be confused regardless and sister just needs to tell her a white lie, like has been suggested.
If you Mum rings you have a little chat and reiterate what sister said or say you have hurt your back, leg, etc.
You need this break and then in evening you can discuss with your sister the future care needs for your Mum, face to face and prepare for assessment and how to deal with SS.
This visit by sister is essential really, so just be mindful of social distancing and all will be fine I’m sure.
Glad hubby got checked out, and is ok.
Mum will be confused regardless and sister just needs to tell her a white lie, like has been suggested.
If you Mum rings you have a little chat and reiterate what sister said or say you have hurt your back, leg, etc.
You need this break and then in evening you can discuss with your sister the future care needs for your Mum, face to face and prepare for assessment and how to deal with SS.
This visit by sister is essential really, so just be mindful of social distancing and all will be fine I’m sure.
Glad hubby got checked out, and is ok.
Glad to hear that hubby has had discussion with GP.
Sorry to nag but pls use any excuse when your sister is down not to visit your Mum. Your sister will keep Mum safe and perhaps she can say you are having a weekend away to belatedly celebrate your wedding anniversary so that is why sis is coming down.
you and hubby need that time together.
I think you know it deep down how ever much you don’t like it that you are going to have to try just the 4 visits from social services to enable it to fail. Alternatively the longer respite break so maybe Mum would just continue to stay there.
It seems that your Mum is asking you to leave more and more ( and I know it would have me I tears) so a change of tactic might just work out in the longer term.
Sorry for being hard. It is horrendous what your Mum and you are going through.
As we all agree dementia is absolutely awful - understatement of the decade
May hugs to you ?????
Sorry to nag but pls use any excuse when your sister is down not to visit your Mum. Your sister will keep Mum safe and perhaps she can say you are having a weekend away to belatedly celebrate your wedding anniversary so that is why sis is coming down.
you and hubby need that time together.
I think you know it deep down how ever much you don’t like it that you are going to have to try just the 4 visits from social services to enable it to fail. Alternatively the longer respite break so maybe Mum would just continue to stay there.
It seems that your Mum is asking you to leave more and more ( and I know it would have me I tears) so a change of tactic might just work out in the longer term.
Sorry for being hard. It is horrendous what your Mum and you are going through.
As we all agree dementia is absolutely awful - understatement of the decade
May hugs to you ?????
Thanks @DianeW and @Bikerbeth xx I will try to think of something to use as reason to not go at all. I did think today I might get sis to say we had gone to see inlaws on the Saturday as we've not seen them for weeks and weeks and I did think we might be able to get a SD garden visit in while sis was here if weather nice. If mum thinks not seen me for while though that might make her annoyed I'm seeing them not her, sis can try telling her I go everyday but it might not work, so will see how she is on day. She'll probably be mad at me anyway and often is even when I am there so like you say.
I'm dreading assessment and it's outcome, I think they'll try again to say have to try short carer visits which will mean us cancelling mums current carer visits and switching to who they find to do short ones and I am absolutely dreading that. I also think from what they said before they may not even offer dinnertime visit this time as mum doesn't have medication with her dinner now and SW said carers couldn't just come to prompt mum to eat and couldn't come long enough to cook something in oven either. Originally they suggested we arrange meals on wheels for mum ourselves at lunchtime and carer could give mum tablet and remind her to eat it and then at dinnertime come for tablet and remind her to eat and maybe make her a sandwich if quick or heat something in microwave if only took short time, but mum won't eat microwave things anyway. I think this time they will say same about cooking and as mum doesn't require tablets at dinnertime and can make a sandwich they may well she say doesn't need visit then. Mum doesn't need help to get ready for bed, it's company and reassurance on a night she needs but they don't offer visit for that. So we may only get offered 2 visits this time. We'll have to try to persuade them otherwise though. Although if they do agree she needs 24hr care and say she needs a home then that will be a shock and upsetting too even though it's what we think she needs it's not what we want really, but then who does. We'd all like our loved ones to not need a home or care and be fine living at home wouldn't we.
I'm dreading assessment and it's outcome, I think they'll try again to say have to try short carer visits which will mean us cancelling mums current carer visits and switching to who they find to do short ones and I am absolutely dreading that. I also think from what they said before they may not even offer dinnertime visit this time as mum doesn't have medication with her dinner now and SW said carers couldn't just come to prompt mum to eat and couldn't come long enough to cook something in oven either. Originally they suggested we arrange meals on wheels for mum ourselves at lunchtime and carer could give mum tablet and remind her to eat it and then at dinnertime come for tablet and remind her to eat and maybe make her a sandwich if quick or heat something in microwave if only took short time, but mum won't eat microwave things anyway. I think this time they will say same about cooking and as mum doesn't require tablets at dinnertime and can make a sandwich they may well she say doesn't need visit then. Mum doesn't need help to get ready for bed, it's company and reassurance on a night she needs but they don't offer visit for that. So we may only get offered 2 visits this time. We'll have to try to persuade them otherwise though. Although if they do agree she needs 24hr care and say she needs a home then that will be a shock and upsetting too even though it's what we think she needs it's not what we want really, but then who does. We'd all like our loved ones to not need a home or care and be fine living at home wouldn't we.
Today has been quite a good day mum wise. She's really been on quite good form and her questions didn't really start till after 5 which is very late for mum. They weren't as full on as usual, quite short really. This morning she was sniffy and thought her cold was back and said not feeling too good. When I got there she was doing her puzzles, she called me Andrea and asked about hubby and seemed to know who I was.
Mum had a message on answerphone from earlier, I played it, it was surgery saying they'd try her later, I said I'll ring them back but they rang mum a few minutes later. I couldn't hear proper but I heard her say she was from surgery and wanted to do a health check over phone. She asked if mum smoked or drank, mum said no but she did eat lots of sweets, they joked about that and I think they mentioned weight and mum mentioned sweets again but weight was ok. Next she said Yes I eat ok, eat all my meals, no they cook them for me, my friend or sometimes my daughter does them. Yes I'm lucky. t mum said Oh yes my friend (pointed at me) comes a lot and my daughter sometimes. Then she said No I don't go out now, I used to but then this thing happened and I'm bit scared. I've not been out at all since this thing. She must have asked mum something about getting about as mum said No I'm fine, I'm old but not that old I can't walk and laughed, Must have asked if house or bungalow cos mum said It's like a bungalow, well we're all same on this row, we're all flat, my bedrooms on same floor as living room sort of thing, I said This is a bungalow mum. Mum said My friend says it's a bungalow, then she said no it's a shower Yes I go in everyday. They said something and mum said I'm fine love, nothing wrong with me I have my friend here a lot and my daughter comes and then they said bye.
She seemed to do quite well with the phone call, apart from bit about friend, bungalow and saying goes in shower everyday but mum thinks she does, she seemed to be making sense when normally she struggles to follow calls, I was surprised how well she did.
When I said was that Drs surgery? Mum said No, It's not him (think meant our old dr from years ago, she kept talking about him when we went to surgery for bloods and bp) it's them from that thingy, you know that behind where we used to live, they ring up to check on me, them from where I've been. sometimes they check if I'm ok, still have to go to Drs if need tablets or owt, they don't give me them but they check up on me every three months. I asked if they'd rung before and mum said Oh yes every 3 month or so. They'll not ring for a while now. I'd told her when we went to surgery for bloods and BP we weren't seeing Dr just nurse for yearly check and I think she'd mixed that up so I didn't say anything.
We had little chat for a bit, a bit repeaty, did hubby bring you, is he working, etc I helped her take washing out and put some more in for her. Mum didn't want to do, or me to do any housework, said nothing needed doing. As she'd done some with carer on Thursday I didn't push it. Mum went back to her puzzles, I made us a cup of tea, I'd took a puzzle book of my own so I got mine out and we both sat and did puzzles, chatting occassionaly for next hour till next lot of washing was done. Mum put it on line and I made us lunch. We normally put tele on with lunch but mum was mid puzzle and I was enjoying doing mine, so we left tele off. I can't remember when I last did any puzzles but my book was over a year old so must have been a while.
Mum wanted to change her puzzle book at one point so got paper rack out and was looking through them and decided to throw old magazines away. She had three tv times and got in a bit of a muddle with which was old and current, kept asking which was this weeks. She had some colouring books in rack and kept showing me pictures in them she'd coloured, but half of them she said she thought our Andrea had done and kept saying I don't know if this is our Andreas book. I didn't say anything only pictures were good and they were her books. She put rack back when finished looking at colouring books and sat back down, then she asked what these magazines were on floor for so I reminded her she was throwing them away. She went to put them in bin and was quite a while, she'd got distracted pulling weeds up in garden. I thought she might have got fed up of puzzles so I asked her if wanted to do something else but mum said No I'll do my puzzles. We sat and did puzzles all afternoon, sometimes I'd help mum with hers and we chatted a bit. I made mum laugh a few times as I have a tendency to hum or sing random lines of songs when it's quiet
Mum called me 'friend' if she used a name during afternoon and a couple of times said she'd not seen her kids, or our Andreas not been, but not much and when I said I'm here mum I'm our Andrea she just said Oh right and went back to puzzles.
Just after 5 when I'd been to put dinner in mum asked Has my mum been? I said No. Mum said Is she dead? I said Yes a long time ago. Then mum said Is W (my dad) dead? I said Yes. Mum said everybody's dead. I said I'm living. Mum said I've got nobody. I said You've got me. Mum said I mean no family, then paused and said Well you're my daughter but no proper family. I was just wondering what to say to that when mum said I think my mum is dead as well. I said again Yes a long time ago. Mum said I thought she was. Then she went back to her puzzles.
A bit after that she asked if these houses didn't have to pay rent cos someone told her they didn't. I said no your all on housing benefit, these houses are only for people on housing benefit, It seems to be a way of explaining that mum accepts at times so I try to stick to saying same thing now. Mum said I hope so cos I can't afford it if I have to pay rent now W's gone. Then a few minutes later she said Well I ant seen any of my kids I know ones in scotland but our Andrea isn't. I said I'm here mum and she said Are you our Andrea, oh sorry love and next time she asked me to look at her puzzle she called my Andie.
She asked about rent again after dinner and I told her same thing as before, she asked if had to go tell council now W had gone and she was here, I said No it's all sorted mum, she asked how I knew and I said I'd got her paperwork for it in her folder at my house and she said Oh good. A few minutes later she said Someone's told me W's been dead about 4 years do you think that's right. I said Yes and mum just said Oh.
On tele they were looking in old sheds for stuff to do up and sell and a bit later mum said Shall we go look in W's shed, I bet there's all sorts in there and he won't know cos he's dissapeared. I didn't say anything at first but then Mum said I think I'll go up there and look cos there could be somert of mine in it. So I said His shed and house where he was living have all been emptied mum there's nothing of yours there. Mum said Is he dead? I said Yes and she said Yeah somebody told me he was and she called me 'friend' again.
We chatted about tele for bit after that and then about 7 we left, as we were getting ready to leave mum called me 'friend' so I made sure I called her mum and hubby said I've got your carrier Andie so mum'd hear, but I thought it probably hadn't registered and it hadn't.
!0 minutes after I left mum rang, Did you know your dads dead? I said yes mum. Does our- (my sister)? Yes mum. How come I didn't know? I said You did mum you'll just have forgot for a minute. She said Oh I do forget but I don't think that's right. She went on saying she thought he'd been here at Christmas and told her he wanted to be with K but then he didn't go with her cos she was in home. That was only a few weeks ago. She said he'd been there, he lived there with her but he hadn't lived there last couple week, he'd been but not stayed cos she's only got a single bed. She said have I got it wrong? I said You mixed some bits up mum. Mum said have I but I can remember him being here, do you think he's dead? I said I know he is. Mum said But I can't believe it. I said I know mum I know it doesn't feel real to you, your just a bit mixed up cos you're brains getting tired. She said Oh don't say I'm mixed up. I asked why and she said Cos it feels real to me, have I got it wrong do you think? I said I know it feels real mum cos its an old memory but your brain has missed a bit out in between, its an old memory not a recent one. Mum said Oh. So does our Andrea know about her dad ? and I said Yes mum I know. Oh are you our Andrea? Did I ring you? I said Yes you did. Mum said Oh right. Then she asked if I was ok and was hubby and I said Yes, She asked if we were at home and I said Not yet we're just on way back. Mum asked from where so I said Your house, she said Oh have you been here? She thought it was 'friend' and hubby who'd been. She said Did you have dinner here? I told her what I'd made and she said Oh yes it was lovely, were you here all day then? I said yes and she said We were doing puzzles weren't we? and I said Yes and mum said Oh sorry love I thought it was 'friend' I said it's fine you knew it was me when I was there you only just forgot now, (she hadn't a lot of the time but I didn't want her to feel bad or worry about it) mum sounded relieved and said Oh good I wonder why? I said your brain will have started getting tired, you've given it a good workout today doing all those puzzles and mum said Oh yes it will. She asked if she'd see me sometime and I said Yes I'll come tomorrow and she said Oh good. Ok love I'll see you later and then we said night and love you lots.
So quite a surprising day really on how 'with it' she was a lot of time and a lot calmer than recently too which made being there much easier.
Mum had a message on answerphone from earlier, I played it, it was surgery saying they'd try her later, I said I'll ring them back but they rang mum a few minutes later. I couldn't hear proper but I heard her say she was from surgery and wanted to do a health check over phone. She asked if mum smoked or drank, mum said no but she did eat lots of sweets, they joked about that and I think they mentioned weight and mum mentioned sweets again but weight was ok. Next she said Yes I eat ok, eat all my meals, no they cook them for me, my friend or sometimes my daughter does them. Yes I'm lucky. t mum said Oh yes my friend (pointed at me) comes a lot and my daughter sometimes. Then she said No I don't go out now, I used to but then this thing happened and I'm bit scared. I've not been out at all since this thing. She must have asked mum something about getting about as mum said No I'm fine, I'm old but not that old I can't walk and laughed, Must have asked if house or bungalow cos mum said It's like a bungalow, well we're all same on this row, we're all flat, my bedrooms on same floor as living room sort of thing, I said This is a bungalow mum. Mum said My friend says it's a bungalow, then she said no it's a shower Yes I go in everyday. They said something and mum said I'm fine love, nothing wrong with me I have my friend here a lot and my daughter comes and then they said bye.
She seemed to do quite well with the phone call, apart from bit about friend, bungalow and saying goes in shower everyday but mum thinks she does, she seemed to be making sense when normally she struggles to follow calls, I was surprised how well she did.
When I said was that Drs surgery? Mum said No, It's not him (think meant our old dr from years ago, she kept talking about him when we went to surgery for bloods and bp) it's them from that thingy, you know that behind where we used to live, they ring up to check on me, them from where I've been. sometimes they check if I'm ok, still have to go to Drs if need tablets or owt, they don't give me them but they check up on me every three months. I asked if they'd rung before and mum said Oh yes every 3 month or so. They'll not ring for a while now. I'd told her when we went to surgery for bloods and BP we weren't seeing Dr just nurse for yearly check and I think she'd mixed that up so I didn't say anything.
We had little chat for a bit, a bit repeaty, did hubby bring you, is he working, etc I helped her take washing out and put some more in for her. Mum didn't want to do, or me to do any housework, said nothing needed doing. As she'd done some with carer on Thursday I didn't push it. Mum went back to her puzzles, I made us a cup of tea, I'd took a puzzle book of my own so I got mine out and we both sat and did puzzles, chatting occassionaly for next hour till next lot of washing was done. Mum put it on line and I made us lunch. We normally put tele on with lunch but mum was mid puzzle and I was enjoying doing mine, so we left tele off. I can't remember when I last did any puzzles but my book was over a year old so must have been a while.
Mum wanted to change her puzzle book at one point so got paper rack out and was looking through them and decided to throw old magazines away. She had three tv times and got in a bit of a muddle with which was old and current, kept asking which was this weeks. She had some colouring books in rack and kept showing me pictures in them she'd coloured, but half of them she said she thought our Andrea had done and kept saying I don't know if this is our Andreas book. I didn't say anything only pictures were good and they were her books. She put rack back when finished looking at colouring books and sat back down, then she asked what these magazines were on floor for so I reminded her she was throwing them away. She went to put them in bin and was quite a while, she'd got distracted pulling weeds up in garden. I thought she might have got fed up of puzzles so I asked her if wanted to do something else but mum said No I'll do my puzzles. We sat and did puzzles all afternoon, sometimes I'd help mum with hers and we chatted a bit. I made mum laugh a few times as I have a tendency to hum or sing random lines of songs when it's quiet
Mum called me 'friend' if she used a name during afternoon and a couple of times said she'd not seen her kids, or our Andreas not been, but not much and when I said I'm here mum I'm our Andrea she just said Oh right and went back to puzzles.
Just after 5 when I'd been to put dinner in mum asked Has my mum been? I said No. Mum said Is she dead? I said Yes a long time ago. Then mum said Is W (my dad) dead? I said Yes. Mum said everybody's dead. I said I'm living. Mum said I've got nobody. I said You've got me. Mum said I mean no family, then paused and said Well you're my daughter but no proper family. I was just wondering what to say to that when mum said I think my mum is dead as well. I said again Yes a long time ago. Mum said I thought she was. Then she went back to her puzzles.
A bit after that she asked if these houses didn't have to pay rent cos someone told her they didn't. I said no your all on housing benefit, these houses are only for people on housing benefit, It seems to be a way of explaining that mum accepts at times so I try to stick to saying same thing now. Mum said I hope so cos I can't afford it if I have to pay rent now W's gone. Then a few minutes later she said Well I ant seen any of my kids I know ones in scotland but our Andrea isn't. I said I'm here mum and she said Are you our Andrea, oh sorry love and next time she asked me to look at her puzzle she called my Andie.
She asked about rent again after dinner and I told her same thing as before, she asked if had to go tell council now W had gone and she was here, I said No it's all sorted mum, she asked how I knew and I said I'd got her paperwork for it in her folder at my house and she said Oh good. A few minutes later she said Someone's told me W's been dead about 4 years do you think that's right. I said Yes and mum just said Oh.
On tele they were looking in old sheds for stuff to do up and sell and a bit later mum said Shall we go look in W's shed, I bet there's all sorts in there and he won't know cos he's dissapeared. I didn't say anything at first but then Mum said I think I'll go up there and look cos there could be somert of mine in it. So I said His shed and house where he was living have all been emptied mum there's nothing of yours there. Mum said Is he dead? I said Yes and she said Yeah somebody told me he was and she called me 'friend' again.
We chatted about tele for bit after that and then about 7 we left, as we were getting ready to leave mum called me 'friend' so I made sure I called her mum and hubby said I've got your carrier Andie so mum'd hear, but I thought it probably hadn't registered and it hadn't.
!0 minutes after I left mum rang, Did you know your dads dead? I said yes mum. Does our- (my sister)? Yes mum. How come I didn't know? I said You did mum you'll just have forgot for a minute. She said Oh I do forget but I don't think that's right. She went on saying she thought he'd been here at Christmas and told her he wanted to be with K but then he didn't go with her cos she was in home. That was only a few weeks ago. She said he'd been there, he lived there with her but he hadn't lived there last couple week, he'd been but not stayed cos she's only got a single bed. She said have I got it wrong? I said You mixed some bits up mum. Mum said have I but I can remember him being here, do you think he's dead? I said I know he is. Mum said But I can't believe it. I said I know mum I know it doesn't feel real to you, your just a bit mixed up cos you're brains getting tired. She said Oh don't say I'm mixed up. I asked why and she said Cos it feels real to me, have I got it wrong do you think? I said I know it feels real mum cos its an old memory but your brain has missed a bit out in between, its an old memory not a recent one. Mum said Oh. So does our Andrea know about her dad ? and I said Yes mum I know. Oh are you our Andrea? Did I ring you? I said Yes you did. Mum said Oh right. Then she asked if I was ok and was hubby and I said Yes, She asked if we were at home and I said Not yet we're just on way back. Mum asked from where so I said Your house, she said Oh have you been here? She thought it was 'friend' and hubby who'd been. She said Did you have dinner here? I told her what I'd made and she said Oh yes it was lovely, were you here all day then? I said yes and she said We were doing puzzles weren't we? and I said Yes and mum said Oh sorry love I thought it was 'friend' I said it's fine you knew it was me when I was there you only just forgot now, (she hadn't a lot of the time but I didn't want her to feel bad or worry about it) mum sounded relieved and said Oh good I wonder why? I said your brain will have started getting tired, you've given it a good workout today doing all those puzzles and mum said Oh yes it will. She asked if she'd see me sometime and I said Yes I'll come tomorrow and she said Oh good. Ok love I'll see you later and then we said night and love you lots.
So quite a surprising day really on how 'with it' she was a lot of time and a lot calmer than recently too which made being there much easier.
Glad you had a better day 
. Seems truly bonkers that a care visit would not have time to make Mum something to eat , maybe if you do get these 4 visits you could do what you did before and make stew etc and freeze some for them to reheat for mum. Would she have something quick like beans/egg/cheese on toast ? I would be surprised if they only offered 2 as she hasn’t got better , can see you are going to have be like a dog with a bone and fight every step for your lovely mum . As if you don’t have enough to deal with . Take care?
. Seems truly bonkers that a care visit would not have time to make Mum something to eat , maybe if you do get these 4 visits you could do what you did before and make stew etc and freeze some for them to reheat for mum. Would she have something quick like beans/egg/cheese on toast ? I would be surprised if they only offered 2 as she hasn’t got better , can see you are going to have be like a dog with a bone and fight every step for your lovely mum . As if you don’t have enough to deal with . Take care?
Glad yesterday was a better day, and that your husband has been in contact with his GP. I agree about not going over when your sister is there. Your mum doesn't think you are there much anyway so I'd say as little about it as possible and not give her any reasons as to why you aren't there other than something positive such as 'I wanted you to have some quality time with sis as you don't see her much.'
Hope today goes as well as it can too.
Hope today goes as well as it can too.
Can you check who phoned her? That sounds awfully like the time that SS phoned up mum and did a needs assessment over the phone. I know that you are waiting for a new assessment from them and that, because of the pandemic, a lot of things are not being done face to face at the moment.
Mum did exactly the same - told the SW who phoned her that she did everything herself (not true) and didnt need any help(not true). Hostess mode had kicked in and she sounded perfectly lucid on the phone, so SS concluded that she didnt need any extra help and closed the case.
I hope that isnt what happened and it was the surgery just asking a few questions, but do check.
