Thanks
@Pete1 @Sarasa xx We haven't contacted SS yet. We think if reassess now they'll suggest their carers first or respite which will mean mum spending more time on her own and seeing different carers who she doesn't know rather than me and one she does know for long periods at a time. So she will probably ring me more and more with her questions about things and want to know where I am. I know at some point that's what we're probably going to have to do before they say mum needs 24hr care in a home but at the moment I don't think I can cope with the stress of that and seeing how it would affect mum as well as me. They were struggling to find agency to take it on before so no doubt will struggle more now so ti could take a while to settle and sort it.
If mum goes into home for respite if at all possible we don't want mum to be confined to her room by herself while current virus conditions are in place. She is lonely and confused and scared when on her own so if she was in a home now she'd be in a strange room, by herself a lot of the time and wouldn't be allowed to mix with other residents or take part in activities to help her settle in and distract her and obviously she wouldn't have staff with her for big chunks of time like she does now as they wouldn't be able to provide one to one care. So that would be worse than now, she's not going to feel better than she is now. I know she doesn't feel good a lot of the time now and doesn't always know who we are but she has someone with her who is familiar even if not sure who. She has someone to answer her questions even if she doesn't like the answers.
The benefits of mum being in a home would be her having company for when she is bored, lonely or scared and security and safety. If confined to her room she would have less company than now. If it gets so she isn't safe on her own at home then yes being in a home even under those circumstances would be better than being at home as at least she would be safe so then we'd have to do something, but if at all possible we want respite to be a positive thing with as much hope of her settling in as possible and being in a room she doesn't know on her own is not positive it's more like a punishment even though it isn't meant to be.
So we're hoping to wait it out and hoping that the virus conditions settle down and change for better before things with mum get much worse, although today I think hoping for virus conditions to settle down is losing to mum getting worse.
Unfortunately I didn't get a peaceful afternoon while carer was there today. Not sure why as it hadn't been a bad morning at mums but I felt shattered and down this afternoon so when I came home after sorting some washing and bringing ironing down to do I sat down for quick cup of tea before I started and ended up laid on sofa half asleep for over half an hour until a cold caller rang and disturbed me so I got up and started ironing.
Mum rang my mobile just after 1/4 past 5 She though A (dads brother) was going to get her stuff out of dad's house. Carer shouted that she was sorry and had been trying to console mum for a while but she couldn't. Mum kept asking about if her stuff was still at dads, her washer, her iron and ironing board I explained and although she didn't sound totally convinced she did go after she'd asked me if our Andrea knew about her dad and I told her yes and then said I'd see her tomorrow. By the sound of it she had been asking carer but not believing her or being distracted for quite a while.
Mum rang house phone at 10 past 6 about same sort of things, took mum through when things had happened and told her over and over she had all her stuff nobody else had it so nothing to worry about, she'd start saying oh are you sure oh good and seem a bit settled but then start again. She asked if I'd go see her sometime soon and I said I'd go again tomorrow morning and mum said good. She asked again if had left her washer, iron and ironing board there and carer said it's here I've just used to to do ironing. She tried joke about how many nighties she'd ironed and I joined in and we got mum laughing and joked about a plant we'd been talking about earlier and mum sounded calmer and cheerier. Carer said are you going to let your Andrea go have her dinner now but mum had just started again saying was I sure there was nothing left in the house. I said no and mum asked few more questions so I explained again and mum said oh ok but didn't sound convinced. Carer said has that put your mind at rest now and mum said No not really I want to go look for myself. I said there was nowhere to look, house had gone back to council but mum said I want to see I'm going to go and was getting quite shouty and agitated so I said ok we'll go tomorrow then. Mum said ok. Carer said again are you going to let your andrea go get something to eat now then - and mum said oh haven't you eaten yet love. I said no I was just making it so she asked again if I'd go see her and when i said I'd go in morning she said ok and bye. I had a feeling she might ring again after carer left as there was only 10 minutes to go and she still sounded a bit confused and not convinced by it all when we hung up.
She rang just after 7 in tear because my dad had died. She thought it was recent. I explained was long time ago but she said felt recent. I explained it was old memory but felt new and was her mind playing tricks on her. She asked few questions and kept saying she was on her own, and didn't see anybody. I told her I see her everyday and she said I've not seen you today so I told her I was there till carer came and we'd talked on phone so she said oh good, I don't remember things. I said it's only when you're brains tired later on in day you'll remember tomorrow. She was upset dad had been with someone else and she hadn't and was upset she wasn't with him and was on her own now. I told her dad hadn't met other woman till years after split up and mum hadn't wanted him back or wanted anyone else and preferred being on her own and was better off without him and she agreed. She couldn't remember where she'd lived or when they'd split up and wanted to know where all their furniture was. I explained where lived when and what happened her furniture. She asked what happened to dads and where he'd lived and I explained he had lived in C's house and they had her stuff or what got together and didn't have any of mums. Then she went back to how long been dead and was upset she couldn't go to funeral. Had our Andrea and - (my sister) gone. I told her it was long time ago and she didn't want to go cos they hadn't been together for years, they weren't friends and she hadn't spoke to him for years. That seemed to comfort her a bit.
But she was still upset about being on her own and said she felt like only person in world and said I don't know what to do. Then she said I don't see anyone. I said she had me and I went every day and she said good and asked if i'd go see her soon. I said I'd come tomorrow morning is that ok and she said yes then said night, I told her love you lots and mum said I love you too and sounded like crying more again when she had started to slow down. I said don't get upset mum there's no reason to be upset you're ok and I come and see you everyday and mum said Ok . We talked for minute or two more and then she said she'd go now and see me tomorrow and we said night and we both said love you lots again. She still sounded teary as she had all way through call but I don't think she was actually crying.
The most worrying thing for me is that she said I don't know what to do when talking about being on her own, as that's what she was saying last year when things deteriorated into me and hubby going late at night and very early morning to pick her up and then me staying with her overnight and being with her all day everyday as she was scared to be on her own cos she didn't know what she was supposed to do on her own. So now I feel like its a bit of a race between covid restrictions being lifted and mum needing full time care. I'm not sure which is going to come first but I fear the latter. I feel like if I try to stay with mum again it won't be long before we can't cope as when mum doesn't know who I am it will cause mum more confusion and distress and make things unbearable for both of us.