Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!
- Thread starter annielou
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I think you did the only thing you could do and that was to leave your Mum in peace as she asked......I understand it’s difficult because you have a routine with things and follow a set pattern most days, but it’s not going to be possible to keep to it now that your Mum has deteriorated.
I think all you can do until social services step up is be guided by your Mum and if she wants you to leave then so be it, if that means she doesn’t get her medication then that is another serious issue that social services need to know about.
But I do think it’s only a matter of time now until serious intervention is needed, you can only do so much and your Mum needs much more now....
Just try to relax and get in the garden in the sunshine.
I think all you can do until social services step up is be guided by your Mum and if she wants you to leave then so be it, if that means she doesn’t get her medication then that is another serious issue that social services need to know about.
But I do think it’s only a matter of time now until serious intervention is needed, you can only do so much and your Mum needs much more now....
Just try to relax and get in the garden in the sunshine.
I can totally relate to your frustration and feelings. I usually get asked which one are you by my mum, my answer ranges from daughter number 2 or whoever you want me to be so long as it's not my sister!
I find repeating myself constantly answering the same question every two minutes very wearing. On the plus side to help.with my anxiety and frustration I've gone back to an old hobby I used to enjoy Papermache! So far I've made a lady with a cone shaped head and square breasts and Red Riding Hood figure who looks more scary than any big bad wolf I've ever seen!
Good luck and hugs.
I find repeating myself constantly answering the same question every two minutes very wearing. On the plus side to help.with my anxiety and frustration I've gone back to an old hobby I used to enjoy Papermache! So far I've made a lady with a cone shaped head and square breasts and Red Riding Hood figure who looks more scary than any big bad wolf I've ever seen!
Good luck and hugs.
I would just turn up before dinner , just acting casually as you would normally , make no mention of this morning , be prepared that she might not want dinner but just a sandwich and tablets and for you to come home again , I would just give her today to be alone and sleep or whatever she wants to do and make the most of a little free time , easier said than done I know , try not to worry too much . ? ? X
Sorry today hasn't been brilliant @annielou. if you did go ack I hope your mum had cheered up. I don wonder if you need to think of just getting carers in to do medication and just popping over a couple of times a week. I know your mum needs more help than that, but unless you step back social services won't see that. Certainly worth contacting memory clinic/social services on Monday and telling them what is happening.
Your husband sounds amazing with all the support he's giving you, specially as his own parents need help too. Mine made it very clear he wasn't going to step up to help care for my mother. I don't blame him, he has very bad memories of his parents trying to care for his grandmother when she lived with them when he was a teenager.
Your husband sounds amazing with all the support he's giving you, specially as his own parents need help too. Mine made it very clear he wasn't going to step up to help care for my mother. I don't blame him, he has very bad memories of his parents trying to care for his grandmother when she lived with them when he was a teenager.
Thanks for replies @Mumslittlehelper62 @DianeW @Woo2 @Sarasa @TNJJ xxxxx That red riding hood sounds fun x I'll definately tell MC when ring next week about today. I've not started mum on new dose of sertraline yet as hubby rung pharmacy today and they've not received prescription yet. I don't know if MC was posting actual prescription to tesco like they did first few times, or if was sending it electronically like last time, but it's not there yet. I'll get in touch with MC if not come monday. I was wondering if to wait to start it anyway till spoke to MC next week as last few days since I talked to them mum has seemed better, but that was before today when she told me up till 5am and this afternoon when she rang me in tears.
At 5 to 4 this afternoon my mobile rung and mum was in tears. I asked if she is ok and mum said No because I never see you, or it could have been No cos I'll never see you, as I couldn't quite tell for the crying. Whichever one she said it started a very confusing conversation which the basic gist was mum had forgot I'd been and she'd sent me home because she wanted to be on her own and instead mum thought I was moving a long way away and wouldn't see her anymore and she is all alone.
She kept saying but you're moving and when I reassured her I wasn't she'd say someone is moving is it our Andrea? I asked her at one point who she had called and she stuttered her way through a few parts of peoples names and then said I don't know. She kept flitting about during conversation between who she thought I was, 'friend' me, a friend called Andrea, she didn't really know.
I'd tell her I had been this morning and was going to come back at dinner time anyway but would come back over now and she'd say sorry and then thank you and then straight after she'd say Will I still see you sometimes when you move? So I'd tell her again I'm not moving and I'll come see you now. She told me our Andrea was moving or somebody was, I told her nobody was and then she went back to me moving and told me I knew our Andrea had a house but I didn't know where it was and she didn't live in it but she's going to now. Although I don't know where she slept when she lived here, or if she did live here but she was here a lot. I told her I didn't live with her but went everyday and still would as I still live in same house lived in for 25 years and wasn't moving.
It was a very confusing conversation with lots of crying on mums part and lots of me trying to reassure her that I see her every day and still will cos I'm not moving and I had only come home cos she wanted be on her own cos she was feeling tired and yukky and I had intended to go back for dinner and we would come back over now to see her.
When we got to mums she said I'm sorry Andie and I'm sorry Hubby. She was quite subdued for first half hour we were there bless her even though we'd told her it didn't matter when she said sorry a few times. She said she hadn't known what she was doing and where I was, she thought I'd been there this afternoon and then wasn't and she also said she couldn't remember me going today at all.
I asked if she'd had a nap and she said no she'd been trying to do her puzzles at least she thought she had but wasn't really sure what she'd done. She didn't seem to know if her tummy was ok now either when we asked a bit later but then said she'd not been to loo so it must be. She couldn't remember if she'd had any lunch but there were crumbs on worktop in kitchen and pack of beef had been opened in fridge and there was a crisp packet and biscuit wrapper in bin (call me miss marple) She had washed up from this morning and lunch and she'd washed some towels that had been in kitchen earlier and put them on line.
I'd put some washing on airer in bathroom this morning but when I went to loo it wasn't there, mum had no idea where it was at first but then said she'd decided to put it out on line. She'd brought it in and put it in airing cupboard when it was dry. I think this is what she'd probably done before she'd got upset and confused over me visiting before she had rung me at 5 to 4.
Hubby and I have noticed that in an afternoon when she goes to loo or leaves room for a few minutes when she comes back she often either thinks I've just come and 'friend' has gone, or other way round. Also a few times she has gone outside and come back in and been mixed up while I've been there. A couple of times in last month or so she has rung me on an evening asking if my dad had been at her house and also a couple of times rang to ask if I have been, She has thought dad or us have been but then just left and not been sure about it so rung to ask. It happened after we'd gone home on an evening and mum had been out in garden to water plants and then she came back inside and been confused where people were and who had been and rang me confused, Its like leaving the room flips a switch and alters what she thinks.
Some days when she has been thinking I'm friend and she's gone out of room and then come back it's good as she realises it's me there not 'friend' but others it works the other way and when she's on her own and does it like today she has wondered where people are. I think she came in after bringing washing in and didn't know where I was and why she was on her own and that nasty dementia brain made up a reason that I was moving a long way away.
After we'd been there a while this afternoon she seemed to relax a bit and we chatted about tv which we'd put on not long after arriving. I made us some dinner later and gave her her galantamine and then we stayed for another hour and halfish till about 20 to 8. I brought her towels in off the line and locked back door so she didn't have to go out again after I left and we left her watching Jane Mcdonald cruising which she really enjoys. I told her we'd see her tomorrow and hopefully she'll be able to come to our house and mum said she hoped so cos she's not been out for ages. We'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings as we just can't plan anything. Though to be honest plans haven't been very reliable for years because of mums tummy and then moods and memory.
Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day and I hope she gets some sleep tonight. ?
At 5 to 4 this afternoon my mobile rung and mum was in tears. I asked if she is ok and mum said No because I never see you, or it could have been No cos I'll never see you, as I couldn't quite tell for the crying. Whichever one she said it started a very confusing conversation which the basic gist was mum had forgot I'd been and she'd sent me home because she wanted to be on her own and instead mum thought I was moving a long way away and wouldn't see her anymore and she is all alone.
She kept saying but you're moving and when I reassured her I wasn't she'd say someone is moving is it our Andrea? I asked her at one point who she had called and she stuttered her way through a few parts of peoples names and then said I don't know. She kept flitting about during conversation between who she thought I was, 'friend' me, a friend called Andrea, she didn't really know.
I'd tell her I had been this morning and was going to come back at dinner time anyway but would come back over now and she'd say sorry and then thank you and then straight after she'd say Will I still see you sometimes when you move? So I'd tell her again I'm not moving and I'll come see you now. She told me our Andrea was moving or somebody was, I told her nobody was and then she went back to me moving and told me I knew our Andrea had a house but I didn't know where it was and she didn't live in it but she's going to now. Although I don't know where she slept when she lived here, or if she did live here but she was here a lot. I told her I didn't live with her but went everyday and still would as I still live in same house lived in for 25 years and wasn't moving.
It was a very confusing conversation with lots of crying on mums part and lots of me trying to reassure her that I see her every day and still will cos I'm not moving and I had only come home cos she wanted be on her own cos she was feeling tired and yukky and I had intended to go back for dinner and we would come back over now to see her.
When we got to mums she said I'm sorry Andie and I'm sorry Hubby. She was quite subdued for first half hour we were there bless her even though we'd told her it didn't matter when she said sorry a few times. She said she hadn't known what she was doing and where I was, she thought I'd been there this afternoon and then wasn't and she also said she couldn't remember me going today at all.
I asked if she'd had a nap and she said no she'd been trying to do her puzzles at least she thought she had but wasn't really sure what she'd done. She didn't seem to know if her tummy was ok now either when we asked a bit later but then said she'd not been to loo so it must be. She couldn't remember if she'd had any lunch but there were crumbs on worktop in kitchen and pack of beef had been opened in fridge and there was a crisp packet and biscuit wrapper in bin (call me miss marple) She had washed up from this morning and lunch and she'd washed some towels that had been in kitchen earlier and put them on line.
I'd put some washing on airer in bathroom this morning but when I went to loo it wasn't there, mum had no idea where it was at first but then said she'd decided to put it out on line. She'd brought it in and put it in airing cupboard when it was dry. I think this is what she'd probably done before she'd got upset and confused over me visiting before she had rung me at 5 to 4.
Hubby and I have noticed that in an afternoon when she goes to loo or leaves room for a few minutes when she comes back she often either thinks I've just come and 'friend' has gone, or other way round. Also a few times she has gone outside and come back in and been mixed up while I've been there. A couple of times in last month or so she has rung me on an evening asking if my dad had been at her house and also a couple of times rang to ask if I have been, She has thought dad or us have been but then just left and not been sure about it so rung to ask. It happened after we'd gone home on an evening and mum had been out in garden to water plants and then she came back inside and been confused where people were and who had been and rang me confused, Its like leaving the room flips a switch and alters what she thinks.
Some days when she has been thinking I'm friend and she's gone out of room and then come back it's good as she realises it's me there not 'friend' but others it works the other way and when she's on her own and does it like today she has wondered where people are. I think she came in after bringing washing in and didn't know where I was and why she was on her own and that nasty dementia brain made up a reason that I was moving a long way away.
After we'd been there a while this afternoon she seemed to relax a bit and we chatted about tv which we'd put on not long after arriving. I made us some dinner later and gave her her galantamine and then we stayed for another hour and halfish till about 20 to 8. I brought her towels in off the line and locked back door so she didn't have to go out again after I left and we left her watching Jane Mcdonald cruising which she really enjoys. I told her we'd see her tomorrow and hopefully she'll be able to come to our house and mum said she hoped so cos she's not been out for ages. We'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings as we just can't plan anything. Though to be honest plans haven't been very reliable for years because of mums tummy and then moods and memory.
Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day and I hope she gets some sleep tonight. ?
Oh I’m sorry mum was so upset , you did say that could happen didn’t you . Glad you being there helped her to feel more calm and settled and didn’t make her cross , you did a great job of turning it around . It sounds like the lack of sleep is really have an effect on mum , could you maybe get her some Nytol or the like to try and help her get to sleep . X
Yep @Woo2 I had a feeling she'd likely ring up either bored or upset and unfortunately it was upset. She used to take nytol years ago but not sure it'd ok for her to take it now with other medication and I'm not there at bedtime either, but thanks for the idea and trying to help it's really good of you x
You could ask pharmacist what would be ok with her medication ,and give it to her at teatime or could you get her a lavender plug in or some oil to put on her pillow ? I do feel for you all it’s so hard to see our mums cry and I usually feel ill equipped and powerless to help her , a cuddle always makes mum feel better when she is in the mood . I hope mum crashes out tonight and gets a good nights sleep and you do too and tomorrow is a good day and Mum comes to yours . Big hugs for you ? ? You are a very kind caring daughter. X
Another bad day mum ignored my calls this morning and when we got to her house she was in a hump and I could tell by her eyes she had been crying before as her eyes were puffy. According to mum my sister had rung this morning and mum had remembered that my sister had said a while ago that she shouldn’t come to our house anymore because we were fed up. I’d ignored her and come anyway but hubby had agreed with sis and said he was fed up of seeing her all the time. She had hung up this morning on sis and thats why she didnt answer phone. .
Its not true my sister didn’t ring her this morning.Months ago on day last SW visited sis said I needed a break. I needed to be able to go home and spend some time on my own with hubby and couldn’t keep being with mum all the time. It was while we were trying to get mum to accept carers. Afterwards mum thought sis meant she couldn’t see me at all and we both explained we just meant I couldn’t carry on being there all the time and I still wanted to see her loads and she could still come to my house. Hubby wasn’t even there at the time sis said this and afterwards when she brought it up he told her he was happy for her to come to our house.
For some reason it has come in her head today and she has come up with this whole sis ringing thing. She was saying it was ages, years, ago and she said she wouldn't come to mine anymore and hasn’t been since but I go to hers. My sister hasn’t seen her since and when she rings she hangs up. Which is all wrong.
So she won’t come today we tried explaining she does come and we see her everybday and she’s fine with us and we are with her which I know is pointless never reason explain or argue I know but in the moment we can’t help trying. A couple of times she said she might have mixed it up or made it up but to her it felt real. We tried saying well we’re sorry you felt like that but we’re happy for you to come to our house now so will you come. She still kept saying no she didn’t want and kept going back to my sister and hubby had said he was fed up of her and she hadn’t bern since. My sister didn’t care about her and lied through her teeth and she had said it and rung this morning and was lying now saying she hadn’t.
She was ok with me so I told hubby to go home and I’d stay but mum shouted she didn’t want me to stay either. I said You said you’ve not got a problem with me so let me stay but mum said no and if I stayed she’d leave. She was adamant she didn’t want either of us there. I asked what she was going to do if we left and mum said she’d just sit there she wanted to die anyway.
I tried saying you don’t want to be on your own and I’m happy to stay but no. I said we’re happy for you to come to ours but no. Hubby tried saying she didn’t want to be on her own we didn’t want her to be so come with us to our house we’d love you to come but no.
She just wanted us to leave so I said ok we’d go. I told her if she wanted me she could ring me I was in her book under my name and she said I know. I said I loved her and would see her later and mum said she loved me too. So I said well let me stay then but she said NO! And then started again that sis had said that and she couldn’t forget. So I said Ok I’ll go, I’m sorry you’re upset mum I love you lots and you can ring me when you want. I’ll see you later. Mum said Ok. And I followed hubby out.
I gave her her sertraline when we first arrived but we’re back home again wondering what to do about het galantamine at lunch time. I don’t know whether to try going back and seeing if catch her before has lunch but it’s been an hour since we left now and she could have had it and she may still be angry and not want me there or wait and go later this afternoon and see if she ok with us then and give tablet with dinner like yesterday. I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do for best. Sat here in limbo worrying and all because mum has imagined a phone call and remembered something that she misconstrued months ago and made even worse than was originally.
Its not true my sister didn’t ring her this morning.Months ago on day last SW visited sis said I needed a break. I needed to be able to go home and spend some time on my own with hubby and couldn’t keep being with mum all the time. It was while we were trying to get mum to accept carers. Afterwards mum thought sis meant she couldn’t see me at all and we both explained we just meant I couldn’t carry on being there all the time and I still wanted to see her loads and she could still come to my house. Hubby wasn’t even there at the time sis said this and afterwards when she brought it up he told her he was happy for her to come to our house.
For some reason it has come in her head today and she has come up with this whole sis ringing thing. She was saying it was ages, years, ago and she said she wouldn't come to mine anymore and hasn’t been since but I go to hers. My sister hasn’t seen her since and when she rings she hangs up. Which is all wrong.
So she won’t come today we tried explaining she does come and we see her everybday and she’s fine with us and we are with her which I know is pointless never reason explain or argue I know but in the moment we can’t help trying. A couple of times she said she might have mixed it up or made it up but to her it felt real. We tried saying well we’re sorry you felt like that but we’re happy for you to come to our house now so will you come. She still kept saying no she didn’t want and kept going back to my sister and hubby had said he was fed up of her and she hadn’t bern since. My sister didn’t care about her and lied through her teeth and she had said it and rung this morning and was lying now saying she hadn’t.
She was ok with me so I told hubby to go home and I’d stay but mum shouted she didn’t want me to stay either. I said You said you’ve not got a problem with me so let me stay but mum said no and if I stayed she’d leave. She was adamant she didn’t want either of us there. I asked what she was going to do if we left and mum said she’d just sit there she wanted to die anyway.
I tried saying you don’t want to be on your own and I’m happy to stay but no. I said we’re happy for you to come to ours but no. Hubby tried saying she didn’t want to be on her own we didn’t want her to be so come with us to our house we’d love you to come but no.
She just wanted us to leave so I said ok we’d go. I told her if she wanted me she could ring me I was in her book under my name and she said I know. I said I loved her and would see her later and mum said she loved me too. So I said well let me stay then but she said NO! And then started again that sis had said that and she couldn’t forget. So I said Ok I’ll go, I’m sorry you’re upset mum I love you lots and you can ring me when you want. I’ll see you later. Mum said Ok. And I followed hubby out.
I gave her her sertraline when we first arrived but we’re back home again wondering what to do about het galantamine at lunch time. I don’t know whether to try going back and seeing if catch her before has lunch but it’s been an hour since we left now and she could have had it and she may still be angry and not want me there or wait and go later this afternoon and see if she ok with us then and give tablet with dinner like yesterday. I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do for best. Sat here in limbo worrying and all because mum has imagined a phone call and remembered something that she misconstrued months ago and made even worse than was originally.
So sorry this is carrying on @annielou. My mother did similar, my lovely gentle husband turned into my horrible boyfriend for instance. That’s mainly because he’d made it clear he didn’t want her to move in with us. The fact I agreed and so would mum when she well was neither here or there.
You need to walk away and get onto social service tomorrow to discuss a new care plan.
You need to walk away and get onto social service tomorrow to discuss a new care plan.
So so sorry you and your poor mum are being put through this by this awful disease. If mum refuses to let you in to give medication you have no choice but to raise urgent concerns with social services. Also you live too far away without a car, to trundle back and forth on the bus to give her medicine and meals without staying. This might be the mini crisis you need to get some help. Good luck, thinking of you all at this horrid time.
Well I rang mum and she answered like nothing had happened. Said she was bout to have lunch I said I was going to go over so she asked if I’d had mine I said not yet, mum asked if hubby was coming too, I didn’t know if she wanted him to so I said if you’re ok with that and mum said Oh yes and when we’ve had lunch I might come back to yours. So hubby and I jumped in car quick and suggested she come back and have lunch at ours and so we’ve brought her over. All was fine no mention of this morning ?
Im glad she was OK with you when you phoned, but all this turning on a sixpence is very wearing
Hi annielou still following your thread, I don't comment often as I really dont know what to advise as my mom is at the beginning of her journey. I'm sorry you and your mom are struggling, it sounds like she needs more than you can offer.. Is it possible to have carers in 3 times a day maybe to give her the medication? Then maybe you could go down a bit later on. Is your hubby back at work soon, if so how will it work for you if mom keeps sending you away. Difficult one isn't it. I don't know how long your journey is by car but its quite a lot on you both to be coming and going. You deserve to think of yourself and hubby. Saying that you are doing an amazing job xx
I’m sorry you had a hard morning , I wouldn’t worry about the galantamine ,it won’t hurt missing the occasional dose . Glad that things are better now . Sending big hugs in place of having anything useful to say . ? ? X
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