Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

[Woo2]

Thanks Hoping for a better day and evening for you?. X

 

[Primrose19]

Re POA, had a solicitor do it as knew mum would accept a more formal setting. Had managed to convince her it was in case she had a stroke as her father suffered from those. This was despite her having the letter from her doctor with her AD diagnosis in it, suggesting getting POA, which she used to read over and over, very sad. Anyway, she kept looking at me for the answers but the solicitor seemed to accept a bit of wobbling!

 

[Bikerbeth]

What a horrible night for both you and your Mum. For what it is worth I think I would have done the same as you but not as well.

 

[angelarrr]

Hi Annielou, This one is still very fresh in my mind, with my mum I was her mum who she had lots of issues with, it's unpleasant at best, and downright frustrating. You already know from people in the forum Alzheimer conditions can very often cause symptons, the most common one I've seen mentioned is Sundowners.
Your mum is going through a phase of Confabulation, and while you are going through your present identity crisis, it's a good idea to remember that's what it really is. There isn't a cure for it, but it will eventually wear out, so now it's time to put your protective gear on.
I think your mum had a very good friend from what you are saying and I am going to call her Trudy, it's easier to have a name. One day Trudy betrayed your mum and became an ex-friend, so Trudy died in effect, and was replaced by mean woman called Gertie.
From what you are saying, if I have your story right, the positive side is that your mum is calling you Trudy, which means you are actually the friend before she died. This loss of friendship was possibly a big part of her life, and no longer makes sense to her, which is why it is stuck in a loop. You will have looked up the word Confabulation by now, and you will see that if something doesn't make sense, the brain will change it so that it does make sense, at least to your mum. Be prepared, there may well be a time you become Gertie, and that will be even more difficult, so it's best to try and take a little control while you are Trudy.
First thing, however tempting it is, will be to tell you that outright denial and trying to pull in facts to prove that you are not Trudy is Not going to work. Sorry. I've been there, the more you pull in facts, the more twisted your mum's brain can make it, and the more obsessive she becomes about being right, and the more intricate her story will become.
Operation Protective Gear:
Your main headgear is a technique you know called "Distraction".
Example: but you will have more idea in your circumstances and come up with something better.
Your mum: "Trudy, I need to get our Annielou to come round and tidy my garden up, it's getting very messy."
You: "That's a good idea, why don't you ring her while I make a cup of tea:"
This is where you exit, make a drink, come back in, and shout, "Hi mum, it's me, Annielou, I've made a drink, for us both, is that ok?"
It might not work, but it's worth a try, and might just give you break, even if it's just to escape from the situation while you breathe. If your mum is still capable of answering the phone, and you have someone who will can ring her while you are in the kitchen making a brew, that would be helpful, because that's a further distraction while you are out of the room.

Another thing to remember is that sometimes altering where your mum is looking somehow shakes things back. I know, I didn't believe it either until I tried it a few times, it's The important thing is that she should turn her head to look the other way. It was explained to me, and to this day, I just don't know why it sometimes works. So if your mum starts on one of her rants, then see if you can do anything to get her to look in the opposite direction so she has to turn her head. Again, this should be done as close as possible at the beginning of the conversation, and if you can interrupt the line of thought while you do it, you get bonus points.

Hi Chrissie, I just wanted to let you know that your post has really helped me too. My mom is living with us during the virus and it's been a huge learning curve. I was struggling so much with the endless questions and loss of any privacy it felt. She simply isn't able to notice when I want a bit of space or am busy. I needed to hear about 'Operation Protective Gear' lol! and I've never heard of Confabulation and I have googled it now! I have a lot to learn. May I just ask you, did you make up 'Operation Protective Gear' or are there more strategies that I can read up on about it? Thank you for making me smile regardless. I'm already on task

 

[Sarasa]

Hope today was a better day. Your poor mum and poor you, @annielou. Do make all of this very clear to the memory clinic as neither of you can carry on like this much longer.
Hope today is a better day.

 

[annielou]

Thanks for your replies xxxx
@Primrose19 x Thats good to know. Hoping to arrange something with a solicitor when able, my sister has said she'll look into it, I gave her name of 1 solicitor I found online but that was as far as I had got when we talked other day and she said she'd contact them. I just hope mum realises I'm me when we go as I'm not me to her lot of time which is going to make it difficult I think. Did you have to take ID or anything like diagnosis letter with you to solicitor?

 

[annielou]

No mention of last night from mum today so I didn't mention it either. I rang her a bit before we set off this morning to gauge how she was and she said she wasn't coming over as she had cold, her neck was aching and she had headache. She's been sounding snuffly and saying got cold on a morning again this week but it's usually gone a few hours after she gets up. Her neck ache, I think is mix of bad posture and bit of arthritis, she often mention it so I put her voltarol on it which helps, I have same thing, and I think the headache was probably due to feeling snuffly and maybe left over from being upset last night. She'd said same thing about cold and neck so wasn't going to come yesterday morning but then was feeling better not long after. I said she might feel better by time we came but we could stay at hers if she preffered but she said You stay at home love I'll manage on my own. I reminded her I have go give her tablets so she said Oh ok and asked if I was going home after done them. I said I would if she really wanted me to but I'd have to come back later for others so she said Oh I'll come to yours then, it'll give me something to do, but I've washed my hair so I'll need to dry it so don't come just yet. I told her it was ok I wasn't going for bout 3/4 of an hour as I was going prep potatoes and things for dinner before left and she was happy with that. I was very happy to hear she'd washed her hair as hasn't done it since last Saturday.
When we got there she'd got washer on and it still had 40 minutes on it, she'd put it on long wash she doesn't really like using but puts it on when she forgets. She was calling me 'friend' from arriving, we sat and waited for washer and mum was talking about how she loves colour of her living room wall. She told me Our Andie did it for me I think she chose it, she painted it for me as well, it was first time she'd decorated. Then she said she thought there was a patch on wall, she could only see it from a certain spot so I said it's probably a reflection and shadow from window behind her head, but mum said she thinks it's a patch that's not painted proper as Our Andie hasn't painted before.
She told us she's not seen our Andie for ages, then was asking if I knew if she was married or not. She'd already gave us the eye roll and Yeah whatever you say I don't believe you look when hubby had said something about me being Andie when we'd first arrived so I just said I've no idea when she asked us if Andie was married and mum said No me neither. When washer had done I helped put it on airer and we set off to our house.
When we first got to our house we all washed our hands as usual and mum was hanging about in kitchen looking a bit uncertain waiting for us when usually she's in hall putting slippers on and straight into room. I said You can go sit in room mum I'll be in in a minute and she said Oh ok love. She looked a bit uncertain and i thought she wasn't sure where she was when I went in room. Hubby put tv on and when I went to put lunch on he chatted a bit about flog it with her and she settled. She carried on calling me 'friend' but seemed happy to be here.
About 4 she put down her colouring and said she better go home. I asked why and as usual she said she had to go see her brother before he emptied her mums house. We explained house is all sorted so no need go but she had her usual questions which we answered about her mums house and where she lived, she got a bit upset at one point when she was talking about nannan and dad being dead a long time and living on her own and she said so I've got nobody then and I told her she had me and hubby, I see her everyday and she said Oh do you oh good. After about 15 minutes she settled down a bit and we convinced her that as she didn't need to go sort out anything she might as well stay here with us. But a while after she thought she had go again and when we tried explain again she said she'd go ask our Andrea. Then she was asking if I was our Andrea and if hubby and I were married etc and was confused when and if we'd married. After a bit of answering she was sort of believing us but wasn't quite settled so I asked if she wanted to see our Photo album and she did.
She enjoyed looking at it, she recognised photo she has at home and pointed at it and said thats our Andrea, that is you and said Oh and is that you? to hubby. Oh that's lovely. It was a lovely day. We had a nice chat about wedding and looked through rest of the photos. She mixed up some of the people on the photos, didn't recognise hubbys brother in law who she has met quite a lot over the years and thought one of hubbys grandmas was my nannan but she recognised rest. Then she was on about hubby coming to her house everyday when we were going out, she got some bits mixed up. She said we used to go in front room and she'd light fire for us, we didn't have a front room, that was her and my dad when they were courting. She said her mum liked hubby and thought we were a good couple, nannan never met hubby as she died just before I was 2 which was 15 years before hubby and I met, but I didn't say anything to mum.
We decided to have something to eat then for tea and watched some more tv and mum was ok. She did randomly pipe up after about half an hour When I went home from here yesterday afternoon he had 6 lads in. I said Who? Mum said Our (brother) he'd got 6 lads in house. I just said Oh and mum went back to watching tv and laughing at it.
She was ok after that till she was getting ready to go home, she had only brought a cloth bag with puzzle book knitting and colouring stuff in and her keys and hadn't worn a coat as was warm, but when we were getting ready to take her home she was asking where her purse was and then said I bet I left it at house and if our (brother) has them lads in again they might take it. I told her she'd left it at her house as she didn't need to bring it so it was fine. No I was at my mums before here and I took it there I think. I said No mum we picked you up at yours and it was there cos we talked about it but decided to leave it at home so its safe. Mum said Oh good but then still asked and looked for that and her handbag about 4 times before we left. She also tried to take my coat a few times despite me saying it was mine and she hadn't brought one and she asked a few times if we knew where she lived now and knew the way.
We'd had food shopping delivered at ours today and when we arrived at mums she went straight in and got her purse to pay for her shopping while hubby and I put it away so she had remembered her house and where purse was, she usually does when she arrives home thankfully. Hubby put tv on and we watched a bit of programme that was on and chatted about me going tomorrow then left about 20 past 7. Mum was fine but back to calling me 'friend' when we left hers.
My mobile rang just as I was unlocking our door about 15 minutes later. She said hello love have you been to my house today, I said yes I've just got home now from taking you home. Mum thought she'd been somewhere else and didn't know been with us, she asked was I sure and so I reminded her what we'd eaten and what we'd watched and we'd coloured. Mum said yeah and she was glad cos she liked spending time with us. I said I was glad cos we like spending time with her. She said she's sorry but she doesn't always know where she's been and with who now cos people don't say names but she was glad she'd been with us. She asked if would see me tomorrow and then we said our byes etc.
So an ok but confused day again about who I am and where she lives and other odd little bits during day, but luckily she didn't get upset really during today. I hope she's ok tonight and has a restful evening and good nights sleep ?
I'm definately going to tell memory clinic when rings on tuesday about last night and the other nights earlier in week she said was up late thinking.

 

[Banjomansmate]

I think you will need to check with the Solicitor what your Mum will need as identification. I think you have to have one form of photo identity, which may be tricky without a current passport or photo driving licence. A bus pass might be acceptable. Earlier this year I had to provide my Solicitor with a new photo identity because my old driving licence they originally used had expired.
They might ask to talk to your Mum alone to ensure you are not coercing her into making the POA in your name.

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Banjomansmate x will tell sis to ask about ID when contacts them. Mum and I aren’t great on ID options only thing mum has with photo is bus pass, I only have a citizen card, so hopefully they’re ok, sis has driving licence and passport so she should be fine.
Whether mum will agree to go, understand what being asked and know who I am when there is a big worry but we won’t know unless we try so will give it a go.
thank so much for the info x

 

[Woo2]

Glad it has been a little better today, lord knows you all need a bit of relief from it , hope mum settles and sleeps ok tonight ? X

 

[Primrose19]

Hi, I expect they wanted photo ID, everybody seems to these days! Didn’t mention diagnosis to solicitor, I expect she guessed. Went with “it’s just in case something bad happens like a stroke” as the reason. Perhaps your sister could go with your mum in case she forgets who you are - my sister wasn’t there, she just went separately to sign and probably show ID.
Wanted to say I’ve been reading your posts and really sympathise. Mum usually knew it was me although when she was very polite, I realised I had become one of my dad’s work colleagues. She also often wanted to go to her other home which apparently was very similar to the one she had been living in for the last 20 years.

 

[jugglingmum]

You shouldn't need photo ID. When mum bought her flat and we did LPA we used her still valid driving licence but when we finally sold her house (both mum and LPA holder had to be ID'd) we used a DWP letter as this comes under the benefits agency category.

It is a legal requirement for solicitors to request ID - under the money laundering rules - the fines for not following them are pretty hefty.

You need to provide proof of identity and proof of address - and you can't use one doc for both categories - need to produce 2 different docs.

The official list is here:

Proof of identity checklist

www.gov.uk

Scroll down through the company list to the list for individuals.

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woo2 @Primrose19 @jugglingmum xx That's a really helpful list. I assumed we'd have to go together so hadn't thought about sis going with mum and me go later so that could be an option.

 

[Banjomansmate]

The only person to need ID is the donor i.e. your Mum, to prove it is the correct person legally making the document, you or your sister are only accompanying her. The Banjoman had four attorneys as I wanted to make sure his family were involved (so there was no come back later, although he only wanted me as Attorney) but I was the only one the Solicitor met because, like you, I was the person accompanying him.
I was wondering if your sister should take her if you could be sure Mum would recognise her for long enough?

 

[annielou]

The only person to need ID is the donor i.e. your Mum, to prove it is the correct person legally making the document, you or your sister are only accompanying her. The Banjoman had four attorneys as I wanted to make sure his family were involved (so there was no come back later, although he only wanted me as Attorney) but I was the only one the Solicitor met because, like you, I was the person accompanying him.
I was wondering if your sister should take her if you could be sure Mum would recognise her for long enough?

Thanks x When my sister visited before lockdown there was usually a bit of hostess mode with mum and she remembers who she is for quite a while so she would probably be ok at knowing who she was with, so it could be good solution. Mum may kick up a fuss cos I'm not going as even when sis is here she wants me too and mum also thinks sis is rubbish with money so depending on her mood she may say she doesn't want sis dealing with her money but that's a bridge to cross later and she may not even think of that.

 

[annielou]

Mum is so confused its not fair. I don't know what to do for the best. I left at 20 past 7 tonight after spending most of day with her, she rang my mobile at 1/4 to 8 crying and saying she'd only seen me for 5 minutes. I explained we'd only just left and I'd been there all day but she said she didn't know it was me. After I told her again I'd been and she'd said sorry she didn't know I said it's ok and that I'd go again tomorrow morning. Mum said she didn't know it was me and I should say. I told her she'd known who I was when I was there(she hadn't most of the day) but I'd make sure I told her tomorrow. Mum said Ok, I'll go now and then hung up just as I was asking if she was going to be alright.
I thought she still sounded upset when she hung up so I decided to ring her back after a few minutes. She was still upset and questioned me again if I'd been and said she thought it had been 'friend' and I'd just called in for 5 minutes and left her. She asked when I'd been there and what we'd done and said she was sorry she didn't know when I told her. I told her it didn't matter if she didn't cos I didn't mind but I didn't want her to be upset because I go see her all the time and that's a nice thing. She said it was and she loved me and I told her I loved her too. She said she was sorry and to tell hubby she was sorry too that she hadn't known it was us. I told her there's nothing to be sorry about it doesn't matter. She said well I'm sorry Andrea, I said again It's ok mum don't worry about it and then she said It is 'friend' isn't it? I said no mum it's Andrea, Mum asked My Andrea? Yes mum I'm your daughter Andrea, Then mum said Oh sorry love I thought it was 'friend' (She just called me Andrea I'd just called her mum and yet she was still thinking I was 'friend') I said No it's Andrea and mum said Oh I love our Andrea. I said I love you mum.
She went on again about needing me to say who I was and she doesn't know who people are so I said she does most of the time. ,(she doesn't really) it's just later on when she gets tired, try not to worry about it tonight cos it'll be fine tomorrow mum. She said ok and I said I'd be going tomorrow morning was that ok and mum said yes. She still sounded upset but a bit better and after minute we said night and love you lots.
The phone went again at 20 past 8 Where's W? She wanted to know where my dad was, I told her she didn't live with my dad and she asked why where is he? I tried to think of what to say without saying something that would upset her more and then mum said Is he dead? She couldn't remember if he lived with her, why he died, when he died, why he wanted to be with K (woman he lived with before he died) She said But I'll be on my own? Why didn't he want to be with me? I tried to explain in simplest way without much detail that they hadn't been together for a long time and she lived there in her bungalow for a long time.
She said she didn't know what she was doing, she couldn't remember and didn't understand why she was on her own. She asked if 'friend' had been today and then when I said no she said Who has? I told her I had and she said Oh yes cos 'friend' has dissappeared hasn't she. (she often thinks that) Then mum asked if she'd rung me tonight and why and then was saying she can't remember who she's been with and what supposed to be doing. Mum said maybe it's cos I'm on my own I don't know what I'm doing, or maybe cos I'm old. I told her to try not to think about it tonight, she was safe at her house and it's just when she gets tired she gets mixed up sometimes. She was sounding teary and upset that she didn't know why dad wasn't there and what she should be doing. I said it'll come back to you later, you'll know in morning mum. She said she'd try and she'd let me go and she was sorry cos she didn't know what she was doing. I said try not to worry about it, don't just sit thinking about it mum, try doing something else, put something on tele and do some nice colouring and think I'll not worry about it tonight I'll work it out tomorrow. She said ok but she still sounded upset and teary. I said again try not think about it mum, try find something to do like colouring and mum said Ok and then said bye. I told her I'd see her tomorrow morning and I loved her lots and then we said night and hung up.
I don't think she was settled and I'm certainly not, I didn't know what to do, is she going to be ok on her own tonight? Will she still be sat therel being tortured by mixed up thoughts she can't figure out? I just feel awful for her.
She hasn't known who I was for most of the day again today, or known much about me when she has thought I was our Andrea, askign questions about if I'm married and to who and where do I live has she been, can she come sometime?
She's also told me a story twice today, the first time a short version I corrected her on and then an hour later just after lunch she set off again and went into quite a lot of mixed up made up detail. It was all about her getting a bill for my uncle R's house (dad's eldest brother who I think died before I was born) for gas and electric for £105 or £115 that was from my dad and K living in his brothers (uncle R) house and K telling police she was my mum. So they'd sent mum a bill to her house and police had come and mum had to tell them it wasn't her. At beginning of story she'd gone to police to tell them she had a bill that wasn't hers and then later in story she said they'd come to see her cos she'd not paid this bill. Mum said she told police she lived over here not over there at Uncle R's house and that was dad and K who were living there.
Apparently she had a key to uncle R's house from years ago, a lot of years ago Uncle R and his wife and kids had upped sticks miles away and left house full of their stuff and not paid any bills. Then a little bit ago, before mum knew about dad and K, her and dad had a big fall out and mum went to Uncle R's cos she had a key and she slept there. Then she came back home to dad and after that dad told her he wanted to live with K and they'd been going to Uncle R's and they went to live there together leaving mum behind and that's when K had used mums name so they didn't have to pay bills. Then a few week ago K had gone back in a home and Dad had killed himself, drunk himself to death. She had told police man when he came that she had only slept there on a night for 3 week cos dad was still in their house and they'd fallen out but she'd not used any gas and electric, it was them that had used it when they moved in.
It was all a load of mixed u- ness and she did change some details as story went on but I was amazed at what she came out with. Mum was worried that she hadn't paid this bill and she couldn't find it. Before she'd started telling me the story second time she'd got paper rack out and been looking for it to show me. I thought I'd go along with it second time so I told her they must have believed her that it wasn't her who'd used it and taken bill back so not to worry about it. She said But I am worried cos I can't find it and I haven't paid it. It wasn't a true thing but I didn't think she'd believe me telling it her it wasn't so I fibbed and said I bet the police took it back cos they'll have known it wasn't you mum and mum said I hope so but what if it isnt. I said don't worry about it I bet it's sorted. Mum said I hope so then after a few moment said It could be me, I might have got something wrong it might not be true I might have thought something wrong but I know I saw a bill. She looked like she thought maybe something didn't seem right about what she'd said so I thought best to not say much and try make out it was nothing worry about so I said Well only bill you got recently mum was your bill for this house the other day and we took that to pay it so you're ok. Mum said Oh right. Then as she sat back looking bit relieved I asked if she wanted to turn over for programme on other side we'd been going to watch and she did. I don't know how her brain comes up with these things.
She hasn't been with it today which is quite normal, but during the day although she's been confused she's been quite calm about thing,s but once I left tonight she seems to have got upset again. It's like she hasn't got as angry or agitated in the day for the last week, but the calmness is wearing off and she's upset on an evening instead. I hate the thought of her sitting home on her own confused and upset not knowing whys she's on her own.

 

[Starting on a journey]

You need to get a social worker ASAP ; your poor mum needs help..bless her she must be so scared and confused. Your post shows just how confused she is and how it is affecting her. How on earth can she live on her own with three visits a day!!
I feel for you it is so difficult for you all. Big hugs <<>>

 

[Woo2]

I’m so sorry ,I have no idea how you change it , no good ideas , I’m just listening. I really don’t know how you change the loop, how you stop her being upset and confused , I suspect you can’t change any of it , can only Fire fight it . It’s completely S*** isn’t it , so cruel and unfair ?. Sending you lots of hugs and hoping mum has settled down for the night and that you manage to get some rest too.??? X

 

[Sarasa]

@annielou, you need to be very clear to the memory clinic tomorrow about what is happening and that your mother needs more help than you can give. She needs someone to assure her all the time and you can't go back to staying her. It is heart-breaking that she thinks she doesn't think she sees you, both for her and for you.
No real advice, but look after you.

 

[annielou]

Thank you for your replies @Starting on a journey @Woo2 @Sarasa xxx
I feel so bad for mum being on her own, she's so confused and I'm sure she doesn't understand why she is where she is and why she is on her own. Even when I'm there she's confused if she lives there and where dad is and also who I am but at least she's not alone. I feel like the worst person in the world for leaving her alone tonight. I don't want to go back to staying there on a fold up bed again, but she doesn't want to be on her own and I don't think she should be. I'm not sure how much help me being there would be as she still gets confused and upset when I'm there in the day but at least she wouldn't be alone and I'd know she was safe. I don't know if I could cope again I'm barely coping now but there seems no alternative.