Hard day today, mum went mad again over cleaning. Was fine when I gently brought it up this morning, agreed to us changing bed, dust and hoover through. First she'd made excuses, I was going to change bed this morning but looked like rain so didn't I'll do it on a dry day. I told her it's forecast rain on and off for next fortnight so if waiting for a dry day she'd be waiting quite a while so mum said Oh well I better do it then. I said we can do it together if you like. Mum said yes and then said I was going to hoover room yesterday but didn't cos I think someone came. I said Shall we do that too then ? Mum said Ok if you like.
I didn't point out she'd told me yesterday when I mentioned cleaning that it didn't need doing, I was just happy we were finally doing something . I read yesterdays carer report this afternoon and carer put she'd suggested doing some dusting and hovering and mum had been adamant it had been done the day before and didn't need doing. It looks like mum did same with her as me.
Mum was fine when we started we joked about how much bedding she has. Mum went in room to put new bedding on and iron valance and I stayed to hoover bed and bedroom. Mum came in a few times, reminded me to move bed to hoover , joked about me climbing over bed, helped me manouver mattress back on bed, asked what was in bags she keeps at bottom of bed, all ok. She went to put iron away while I was putting bed and bedside table back and hoovering where it had been. She came back in as I was getting duster so I said Shall I dust and hoover in here mum or do you want to do it and I'll do something else? Her face was like thunder, she snatched duster out of my hands and said Now you can go home and not come back to my house ever again! I said Sorry mum what's the matter?
She stomped into room telling me to go home and not come back cos I wasn't welcome anymore. I followed her and said I can't go home mum don't be upset I was just helping you do bedroom why are you mad at me? She set off saying I had just come in and started cleaning her house, she didn't need me to clean her house could clean her own bloody house who did I think I was coming and just doing stuff. I said Sorry mum I didn't just start doing it we were doing it together. NO WE WERE NOT I didn't even know you were doing it you just started. I said You knew mum, you agreed to us doing it together, we went in bedroom to start it together. I DID NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING! She went on a mega rant, didn't know I was doing bedroom, didn't say we would do it, she hadn't seen me go in bedroom cos she was ironing. I tried we were fine mum, we were joking about how much bedding you had and you were telling me to move bed, but mum said she hadn't
She was really angry and saying I had told her it needed doing and was having a go at her about how long it hadn't been done for, I said I don't say that mum I just mentioned it and only said how long since last done because you thought it wasn't long ago and a while ago you asked me to remind you when stuff was ready for doing. She said she hadn't asked me that and if she didn't want to clean she didn't have to, it was her bed and her house and if she wanted to let it get mucky it was up to her. I was really upset and crying and I told her it was up to her but it wasn't a purposeful decision she hadn't decided not to clean, she just said that because she hadn't done it. I said that she often thinks she's done it or doesn't notice it needs doing and doesn't think about it as much now as she used to, but she still comments on people on tv not being clean and tidy and a while ago she told me to tell her when to do stuff if she forgot but now she shouts at me and gets angry. Mum said Well I'm not dirty am I, it's not a mess in here is it. I told her it's not as clean and tidy as it should be, it's not how you would want it to be and that's why I mention it and offer to help mum. You used to do nannan & grandads when they got older and I'm happy to help you and either do it for you or do it with you. Mum said It's not scruffy it must have been cleaned sometime so I've been doing it. I told her that's because I remind her and I do it with or for her. I didn't mind helping her and I was trying to do what she asked me to do but she keeps getting angry at me for doing it and I don't like being shouted at. I know it's not her fault she can't remember, but it hurts and I don't know what to do for best. Mum said Well you're not putting me in a home!
Then told me I don't do her cleaning and stuff cos she barely sees me and she does it herself, she's fine on her own. I told her I come everyday and she might think she is ok and doing everything herself but she isn't , I'm there a lot of the time giving her support and helping, or trying to help her with things. She set off again saying I don't go and then saying 'friend' goes, then calling me 'friend', saying our Andie doesn't come, she only comes with hubby so you're not her.
Then said again Well you're not putting me in a home so don't think you are! I said I can't put you in a home mum, she asked Why? I said You're an adult and in charge of yourself and can only go in a home if social services agree to pay for one and they think you need one, it's not up to me. She said Good cos they're horrible. I said they're not horrible mum we went to see one and it wasn't horrible. Mum said I'm not going in one. I said Ok it's not up to me anyway . But I do think you need more support mum than I can give you. I come as much as I can but it's a lot for one person and I'm struggling, especially when you don't know who I am and are shouting at me or asking me to leave and then wanting our Andie to come and I don't know what to do for best a lot of time. When you're upset and confused about nannan and dad on an evening ringing me I think it would be better if you were in a home with other people about so not on your own and you wouldn't have to worry about cleaning or things like that because it'd be done for you. Mum said They're horrible and people just sit doing nowt. I said they don't mum they have activities on and you can do same as you do here you can colour, do your puzzles and watch tv with other people, or in your own room if you want to be on your own. Mum said I might be better with company but I'm not going in a home cos they're horrible.
She went to make a cup of tea then and came back a bit calmer but still talking about not needing a home cos can manage on own. She said sometimes she gets scared of doing things like iron and others she fine with it. But she manages on her own cos nobody helps her. I said I help, I'm happy to help her when I'm there. I told her that carer does ironing for her and mum said She offers but I tell her I don't have any and I do it. That's not true, carers have been doing it since just after started. She went on to asking me if I was our Andrea and saying but I don't see you. Asking where I lived, who married to, how I got there, has she been to my house, and saying she thought I was 'friend'. Then over it again and again, saying more things like but aren't you 'friend' don't you live in a bungalow? didn't I used to come to your house. I kept answering and saying let's just relax a bit mum and not worry about trying to work things out. After a bit more Mum said she forgets who I am and forgets things sometimes but she doesn't do it on purpose. I told her I know she doesn't and I know it's confusing for her and scary at times and I'm sorry I get upset with her at times too. She noticed then she had duster next to her and said look I've got duster here why? I told her because we'd been about to dust earlier and she said Oh yeah I didn't do it did I. I said No, do you want us to do it now and she said not really.
I went to loo and when I came back I said Hoover is still in bedroom mum shall I put it away or shall I finish dusting and hoovering bedroom. Mum said It's up to you love, I said I'll go finish it then and mum passed me duster.
Mum took cup away and started washing up while I finished bedroom. I asked her if she wanted me to put hoover away or carry on and do rest, she said Please yourself. She didn't sound grumpy and went outside picking a few weeds out of pots so I decided to risk it and went in room to dust and hoover there. Mum came in as I was doing sofa she didn't smile when I did but didn't say anything either so I passed her pencil I'd found under cushions and joked about finding a sparkly pencil and she smiled. She sat on sofa and looked in her colouring book while I finished hoovering through, then she asked if we should have some lunch. It was about 2 & 1/2 hours after we'd started and most of time had been going round with an angry and confused mum.
Mum didn't get upset for rest of day but confused. Asking me on and off all day who I was, was I married, who to, where lived etc ,then saying why I wasn't me. She asked a lot where Our Andrea was, or did I know where our Andie was cos she never comes to see her. At times I felt like saying something silly like she's in prison. Actually it often feels like we are both in a confused prison. Mum also asked a few times today about a picture we'd had on living room wall, I can't remember seeing it after they decorated a bit before we moved when I was 15 and can't remember seeing it after that. Mum thought it was at other house, or her mum had it, said I was going to go to mums for it but she's dead isn't she. She also asked a few times where she lived and if she'd left owt at other house and said I hope nobodys been in other house and stole owt. She rang bout 1/2 hour after we got home to check if we'd been today and said thought was 'friend' but then thought might be me. She wasn't on long and didn't sound too bad but obviously still a bit confused as she had been all day.
I know I handled this morning wrong trying to reason and explain to mum but I was upset and I just reacted