Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

[annielou]

Hi @annielou, maybe worth doing a test yourself, I used to regularly test the careline to see if it was working properly (they encouraged it). It could be that Mum is mistaken (e.g. remembering a previous night) or it could be that Mum is opening the doors to re-lock them (if that makes sense?). It could be that she has progressed to trying to get 'home' - its difficult to know as Mum's testimony is likely to be unreliable. I have seen others on the forum have had cameras installed - perhaps that could be an idea and you will be able to see what is happening.

Thanks x
I've emailed to see if they can tell me when it has gone off. I don't know if they'll be able to, but if so at least I can see if mum is setting it off or just remembering a time that she did. Last wednesday though to thursday (when they came out to reset it) it went off a lot because she'd unplugged it the night before and it had mucked up its timings so was on during the day too, so she could be remembering hearing it then. I hope that's all it is but I'm quite worried it's not.
Yes that's whats she's does, unlocks the door to check if she's locked it, its what she used to do before. Also she used to think she'd lost her keys and that must have been outside so she would use the keys to unlock the door to go outside and look for them. Checking the doors and worrying they weren't locked is what she used to do before for hours on a night and even after gone to bed some nights she would wake up, get up and check again and again and eventually get in such a state she would ring me upset and ask me to go over as she didn't know what she was doing. That's when I ended up staying there to keep an eye on her as she was scared to be alone. While I was there she would take ages to go to bed rechecking the doors but I could stop her from unlocking them and tell her they were locked so she didn't need to get back up to check again.
I don't really know anything about cameras but Mum doesn't have the internet at her house, I assume she'd need it so we could see the camera. She wouldn't want internet putting in, but it would be good to see if she was actually opening the doors.
She has been convinced again today that she hasn't lived there long and has another house. Worried she isn't getting her pension because they don't know her address, she needs to go to post office as she doesn't get post there (this was said with a letter in her hand that had just arrived through the post) worrying that she cant go to day centre tomorrow because they picked her up at old house last week and won't know where she is now. I've spent quite a bit of today reassuring her about these things, which has settled her for a bit but she would keep going back to them. She's going to ask Our Andie (me) about them when she sees her cos she'll know.

 

[annielou]

I’m sorry to hear about the extra added worry for you @annielou , I don’t know the answers I’m afraid . It seems as though you can only keep ticking boxes by doing what you are doing , hopefully you will get carers soon. Is mum off to day centre tom ? Mum went off happily again yesterday , I didn’t get so much done as daughter off college and I spent the day doing housework(hubby says I should spend that time on something for me not house ) . I hope you do get those days to do what you want to . How has today been ? Meant to ask if hubby is feeling any better since he started bp medication ? X

Thanks x
Yes Mum is planning to go to day centre tomorrow,? Fingers crossed. She is still saying she enjoyed it and she even washed her hair this morning as she thought she won't have time tomorrow as she gets picked up early. I took that as a positive sign. She was nattering about if she would be up in time and remember to get ready though so I reminded her I would go over like she'd asked me to and I'd ring her to wake her up on my way. I'm hoping she'll get some sleep as she does tend to get in a bit of a panic over remembering to get up if she has to go somewhere. Plus she's been going back to checking doors are locked at bedtime a lot recently and struggling to get to sleep because of worrying about things and she's also been worrying today that they wont know where she is to pick her up as she thinks she only just moved back there (earlier post) So tonight could be an anxious night for her, and me too probably.
Sis contacted a PA last week but she hasn't heard back and when I looked on council website it looked like she wasn't available afternoons anyway. So yesterday sis rang a care agency and talked about what we wanted, the manager is off this week and some of next week but will contact us then to make appointment to come out and see mum so hopefully we'll get something sorted out carerwise in a couple of weeks.
Hubby had blood test friday and went back to see GP this morning to check kidneys coping with bp tablet ok and check if bp better. It was down and back in normal range so GP said he will leave him on that low dose and he doesn't have to go back to have it checked again for 3 months. Hubby was so relieved and so was I Thanks for asking x
So glad you're mum is still enjoying going to her day centre, thats great news ?, I get what you mean about how you spend the time she's out as I intend coming back home and getting on with some housework tomorrow too before I go back to mums for her return from day centre. Your hubby is right, you should do something for you, it's not really a rest is it doing housework but it does always need doing doesn't it
(X)

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thanks x
Yes Mum is planning to go to day centre tomorrow,? Fingers crossed. She is still saying she enjoyed it and she even washed her hair this morning as she thought she won't have time tomorrow as she gets picked up early. I took that as a positive sign. She was nattering about if she would be up in time and remember to get ready though so I reminded her I would go over like she'd asked me to and I'd ring her to wake her up on my way. I'm hoping she'll get some sleep as she does tend to get in a bit of a panic over remembering to get up if she has to go somewhere. Plus she's been going back to checking doors are locked at bedtime a lot recently and struggling to get to sleep because of worrying about things and she's also been worrying today that they wont know where she is to pick her up as she thinks she only just moved back there (earlier post) So tonight could be an anxious night for her, and me too probably.
Sis contacted a PA last week but she hasn't heard back and when I looked on council website it looked like she wasn't available afternoons anyway. So yesterday sis rang a care agency and talked about what we wanted, the manager is off this week and some of next week but will contact us then to make appointment to come out and see mum so hopefully we'll get something sorted out carerwise in a couple of weeks.
Hubby had blood test friday and went back to see GP this morning to check kidneys coping with bp tablet ok and check if bp better. It was down and back in normal range so GP said he will leave him on that low dose and he doesn't have to go back to have it checked again for 3 months. Hubby was so relieved and so was I Thanks for asking x
So glad you're mum is still enjoying going to her day centre, thats great news ?, I get what you mean about how you spend the time she's out as I intend coming back home and getting on with some housework tomorrow too before I go back to mums for her return from day centre. Your hubby is right, you should do something for you, it's not really a rest is it doing housework but it does always need doing doesn't it
(X)

Great news for OH , you must be so relieved
I find the smell of bleach & cleaning products therapeutic- cleansing house & mind the old saying goes!
Great for dealing with stress a bitof a cleaning spree!

 

[annielou]

Great news for OH , you must be so relieved
I find the smell of bleach & cleaning products therapeutic- cleansing house & mind the old saying goes!
Great for dealing with stress a bitof a cleaning spree!

Thanks x Yes very relieved about hubbys BP x
Lots of people enjoy a good clean when stressed don't they. I'm not really one whose felt like that, before but you never know now. I'll be doing it anyway lol.
I've always hated the smell of cleaning products, bleach especially gives me real bad headaches and I don't enjoy cleaning but I am 'normally' a very regular cleaner doing certain jobs on certain days and always used to go through the whole house again on fridays. The last few months I've been really unhappy at only being able to do the doing odd bit every now and then when I get the chance, so I'm actually almost looking forward to having a few hours together to do some cleaning. I'll have about 4 hours in between coming back from mums this morning and going back there for when she returns from day centre. That's if I don't just fall asleep as I was up at half 5 to get ready for mums and I didn't sleep great so I better not sit down when I get back home in a few hours lol x

 

[Woo2]

That’s great news about hubby , one less worry at the moment for you . So pleased mum is enjoying the day centre so far . Good luck for today . Xx

 

[Woo2]

Me too @annielou , I can’t stand bleach smell, gives me a headache too, don’t mind some lemon cleaners . I do find cleaning therapeutic though and I feel good after a cleaning session . Maybe you should have a sleep and today and forget the housework . Xx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Me too @annielou , I can’t stand bleach smell, gives me a headache too, don’t mind some lemon cleaners . I do find cleaning therapeutic though and I feel good after a cleaning session . Maybe you should have a sleep and today and forget the housework . Xx

I can highly recommend “the pink stuff” for kitchens & bathrooms & it’s a pound a pot! Bargain!

 

[Sarasa]

Hope your mum got off OK @annielou. The fact that she seemed to be looking forward to it when she is so confused about other things means last week must have made a big impression.
I'd forget housework, unless like my husband and my late grandma, it's something that makes you happy doing it. Both OH and my nan are/were very fit and thin. Nan liked nothing better than hanging a rug on the washing line and beating the hell out of it, and my husband spend hours vacuuming extremely carefully. My sister in law once told me their father was the same and thought it was a skill my husband had inherited. Husband's response was that he wished he'd inherited his father's skill at languages instead, but I find having someone who likes housework around extremely useful!

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woohoo @DesperateofDevon @Sarasa xxx
Mum has gone of to day centre, albeit with lots of worry about needing to go toilet and lots of sitting on loo. She has diverticulitis so alternates between constipation and diarrohea so is very paranoid about going out and needing loo, which to be honest I don't blame her for as it can be epic at times, but anyway she did get on bus fine. Apart from toilet worries she seemed to be happy about going to day centre again, though not so much about the bus there. She's first on bus so it takes a while to get there and it went from being on bus an hour to two hours by time we left. I hope her tummy was just nerves at going out and settles down so she can enjoy the day ? I'm dreading a call to say upset tummy or upset herself and needs picking up.
I'm back home now and perching on edge of sofa to have a quick drink of water and write this so I don't get comfy and nod off rather than clean I've already put some washing in as soon as I arrived and now off to bleach the sink and clean the kitchen.
I've never seen the pink stuff @DesperateofDevon I'll look for it next time go shopping X
A husband who likes cleaning and is good at it would be useful @Sarasa mine does the dishwasher and will hoover or do odd bits when asked but he needs very direct instructions and would never notice to do it himself. I hate cleaning but hate the house not been cleaned more so do it regularly, or at least I used to now is so hit and miss lol

 

[Woo2]

Glad mum went off ok , I’m sure they are used to it, I wouldn’t expect a call, plus they seem to appreciate how important the break is for carer’s. Have fun cleaning but please try and do something for yourself in amongst housework . Maybe once you become more confident that mum is fine at club you can arrange to do something nice for you , lunch out or the like . Xx

 

[annielou]

Thanks@woohoo x Good advice, and you should too xx
I can't say I enjoyed the cleaning but I did manage to do quite a lot of it and I do feel better for getting it done. Especially the odd little jobs like wiping over the light switches, doors and inside the fridge which were things I always did on my Friday 'whole house at once clean' but recently have only done sporadically. ?
I'm just having half an hour for lunch and then I'll go put the second lot of washing on the airer, put the bedding I took off the bed earlier in to washer on a delay start so it's done for when we get in tonight and then I'll go tidy myself up, clean my teeth etc before I catch buses back to mums. I hope she has enjoyed it again ?

 

[Woo2]

You have had a productive day , hope mum has enjoyed it. Xx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thanks@woohoo x Good advice, and you should too xx
I can't say I enjoyed the cleaning but I did manage to do quite a lot of it and I do feel better for getting it done. Especially the odd little jobs like wiping over the light switches, doors and inside the fridge which were things I always did on my Friday 'whole house at once clean' but recently have only done sporadically. ?
I'm just having half an hour for lunch and then I'll go put the second lot of washing on the airer, put the bedding I took off the bed earlier in to washer on a delay start so it's done for when we get in tonight and then I'll go tidy myself up, clean my teeth etc before I catch buses back to mums. I hope she has enjoyed it again ?

You will feel more relaxed knowing the housework’s done, - I know I do( & I hate housework!!!)

 

[annielou]

You will feel more relaxed knowing the housework’s done, - I know I do( & I hate housework!!!)

Yes I do thanks shame it doesn't stay done and will need doing again soon isn't it but I can sit and feel better tonight at least lol.

 

[annielou]

Mum had another good day at Day centre today and no tummy troubles ???‍♂️happy dance . She said there wasn't as many people there today but it was still good, everybody is really nice and she was sat next to a woman who was really chatty and funny.
We had a little chat about carers today and she asked what would happen on Wednesdays cos she liked going to centre ? I reassured her that she could still go and carer wouldn't come on Wednesday as she'd be out and I'd come to hers for when she comes back from centre and so she was happy with that. She asked again what carer would do and although she still said she wasnt sure about a stranger coming she seemed to accept it and also kept saying but I've not got one, how do I get one? I told her we'd been in touch with agency and they'd come see us in couple week as manager was away at moment and she seemed ok about it. I'm hoping she will try carer same as she has day centre and it will work out but I'm not counting my chickens just yet ? OMG theres is a chicken emoji, I looked but didn't think there would be lol
Over all it was quite a positive day apart from an hour where mum was back to thinking she'd only just moved to her house again and needed to go tell council and everybody else she had moved. This is a common thing with mum lately, apparently she'd also told day centre bus driver and helper she'd moved but it sounded like they took it in their stride. We spent quite a while this afternoon talking about and going over things about where she lived.
Today she had a whole story about why she'd only just moved there, Mum thought she had got back together with my dad and we'd been living at our old house mum dad and me, (where we lived when they split up 29 years ago) and then mum'd got fed up of dad because he was getting on her nerves so she said she was going to go back to this house she is in now and dad went back to his mum and dads house to live with his brother. Apparently I'd been upset and said what about me where am I going to go because mums house only has one bedroom. ?
None of that is true and the bit about me being upset was quite weird as its not really something mum would do if I had been living with her anyway. She thinks this had all happened a couple of weeks ago. She knew my dad was dead but thought that was only about 4 weeks ago. She thought they'd only split a couple of years ago and got back together again after. She also thought dad had lived with her there but then said he couldn't have because she only had a single bed. Her timings were very off and her and dad never got back together.
She wanted me to tell her the right order of things and was saying that she couldn't have lived in this house long this time round as she only had letters with the address on for 2018/19 and no bills or anything for this address. She'd found a few papers in a bedside drawer last night and had kept them out to show me today as that meant she hadn't been living there and all her other papers must be at old house.
I explained she only had a few bits in her drawer because I'd sorted all her paper work a couple of years ago and put it together in a big folder and had been filing it for her very month or so since, apart from the odd bit she put away before I did. She kept worrying that she hadn't got her birth certificate and things and wanting to see them and also wanted to see her divorce papers as she couldn't think how long been divorced so in the end I got the folder and showed her just a couple of things.
I did try and explain bits to her when she asked questions but I kept the info short and tried to keep things light, especially when she said things about how could she forget and why didn't she remember it right?, I made a bit of a joke about it and said she'd a lot of years to remember and she couldn't be expected to keep it all straight all of the time which did make her smile. I also showed her some old letters from my sister when her kids were little that I knew were in the folder which helped get talk onto happier things and the paperwork and addresses were forgotten.
She'd asked when we were talking about her paperwork was it at my house if I'd filed it all for her?, It wasn't it was at hers but she'd forgotten where we kept it and I haven't reminded her about where it is for quite a while as she tends to rummage and mix things up and sometimes throw things out. She said today when I told her it was at her house and got it out to show her few bits that I could keep it at mine then, it would be better at mine as I'd know where everything was and she wouldn't mix things up going looking for things so I've brought it home tonight. She might ask about it later but I took the opportunity to bring it home, sis has been suggesting we do that for a while as she does tend to cause havoc in there when she's looked through it in the past and if she asks at least I can truthfully say it was her idea.

 

[Woo2]

Amazing @annielou ?? what a lovely pleasant surprise that mum likes the day centre , I too never thought mum would take to it , I think it’s so relaxed that they don’t have to worry about remembering and can just relax. Mum said yesterday they had lots of laughs . Is there the option for mum to go more days ?
I can hear from your posts that you are dealing with it all in a different way and that you are making mum feel calmer and happier , you are doing brilliantly . I have had a couple of moments where I haven’t replied as I know I should and it made me more uptight , it’s a learning curve that is quite steep sometimes . Excellent idea about the folder , I too took all mums important papers and put them in my safe. Be interesting to see how your carer goes, have a lady starting next week just for an hour for a few weeks, then will gradually increase it and eventually I will leave her to it but going to take it slowly. So good to hear you are feeling a little better . Take care xxx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Mum had another good day at Day centre today and no tummy troubles ???‍♂️happy dance . She said there wasn't as many people there today but it was still good, everybody is really nice and she was sat next to a woman who was really chatty and funny.
We had a little chat about carers today and she asked what would happen on Wednesdays cos she liked going to centre ? I reassured her that she could still go and carer wouldn't come on Wednesday as she'd be out and I'd come to hers for when she comes back from centre and so she was happy with that. She asked again what carer would do and although she still said she wasnt sure about a stranger coming she seemed to accept it and also kept saying but I've not got one, how do I get one? I told her we'd been in touch with agency and they'd come see us in couple week as manager was away at moment and she seemed ok about it. I'm hoping she will try carer same as she has day centre and it will work out but I'm not counting my chickens just yet ? OMG theres is a chicken emoji, I looked but didn't think there would be lol
Over all it was quite a positive day apart from an hour where mum was back to thinking she'd only just moved to her house again and needed to go tell council and everybody else she had moved. This is a common thing with mum lately, apparently she'd also told day centre bus driver and helper she'd moved but it sounded like they took it in their stride. We spent quite a while this afternoon talking about and going over things about where she lived.
Today she had a whole story about why she'd only just moved there, Mum thought she had got back together with my dad and we'd been living at our old house mum dad and me, (where we lived when they split up 29 years ago) and then mum'd got fed up of dad because he was getting on her nerves so she said she was going to go back to this house she is in now and dad went back to his mum and dads house to live with his brother. Apparently I'd been upset and said what about me where am I going to go because mums house only has one bedroom. ?
None of that is true and the bit about me being upset was quite weird as its not really something mum would do if I had been living with her anyway. She thinks this had all happened a couple of weeks ago. She knew my dad was dead but thought that was only about 4 weeks ago. She thought they'd only split a couple of years ago and got back together again after. She also thought dad had lived with her there but then said he couldn't have because she only had a single bed. Her timings were very off and her and dad never got back together.
She wanted me to tell her the right order of things and was saying that she couldn't have lived in this house long this time round as she only had letters with the address on for 2018/19 and no bills or anything for this address. She'd found a few papers in a bedside drawer last night and had kept them out to show me today as that meant she hadn't been living there and all her other papers must be at old house.
I explained she only had a few bits in her drawer because I'd sorted all her paper work a couple of years ago and put it together in a big folder and had been filing it for her very month or so since, apart from the odd bit she put away before I did. She kept worrying that she hadn't got her birth certificate and things and wanting to see them and also wanted to see her divorce papers as she couldn't think how long been divorced so in the end I got the folder and showed her just a couple of things.
I did try and explain bits to her when she asked questions but I kept the info short and tried to keep things light, especially when she said things about how could she forget and why didn't she remember it right?, I made a bit of a joke about it and said she'd a lot of years to remember and she couldn't be expected to keep it all straight all of the time which did make her smile. I also showed her some old letters from my sister when her kids were little that I knew were in the folder which helped get talk onto happier things and the paperwork and addresses were forgotten.
She'd asked when we were talking about her paperwork was it at my house if I'd filed it all for her?, It wasn't it was at hers but she'd forgotten where we kept it and I haven't reminded her about where it is for quite a while as she tends to rummage and mix things up and sometimes throw things out. She said today when I told her it was at her house and got it out to show her few bits that I could keep it at mine then, it would be better at mine as I'd know where everything was and she wouldn't mix things up going looking for things so I've brought it home tonight. She might ask about it later but I took the opportunity to bring it home, sis has been suggesting we do that for a while as she does tend to cause havoc in there when she's looked through it in the past and if she asks at least I can truthfully say it was her idea.

That’s amazing progress! Aged Mother doesn’t deal with all the bills etc now & shes a lot calmer, doesn’t get as distressed/ irate etc. Baby steps my lovely it’s little changes & a routine that will help you both .
Hindsight is a wonderful gift that can be shared via this forum .
I remember when I was fort given advice & I thought “you don’t know me? You don’t know my situation Or the people involved ?”
But hindsight tells me that those folks life experiences were golden nuggets of information that helped change my PWD environment & gave them some peace of mind
Keep going lovely - you have got this! Xx

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woohoo @DesperateofDevon xx
Wednesday was certainly a better day and I am so pleased mum likes day centre. It is open monday to friday but I think the community transport bus only does certain areas on certain days which would mean me taking mum there and back in a taxi. Which isn't too bad but mum says only wants go one day, which might change, I don't know but at mo I am glad she enjoying the day she is going.
Has your mum started a second day yet @Woohoo ? I hope your carer lady goes well next week, let us know how your mum goes on with it x
I'm really grateful for all the advice I get on here X I don't know where I'd be without it. Some things don't work for us as everybody reacts different but it's great to have other opinions on things and lots of things I'd probably not have thought of myself, they really are 'golden nuggets' @DesperateofDevon X

Yesterday wasn't as positive a day as Wednesday as mum asked if I was 'Our Andie' not long after I got there in the morning and quite a lot on and off through the day she didn't know who I was either. She would ask who I was then ask things like 'is she married?, where does she live?' as if I wasn't me and then tell me things about myself like I wasn't me, which she does a lot. Apart from saying I was me when she asked I didn't put her right when she asked about me or talked about me like I was someone else I just tried to answer simply.
She asked me in the afternoon if (dads name ) was really dead? yes . then she asked are you sure? and a few other things like how are you sure? a few times until I said I'm sure mum cos me and sis arranged and paid for his funeral and we went to it. She said oh ok then, I thought it was only couple of weeks ago and I wasn't sure if really happened and if I had to get my stuff out of his house.
Then she said a bit later I can't remember going to the funeral. Which she hadn't done because they had been divorced 20 odd years by the point he died and we'd had no contact with him for years by then and the family of the woman he had been living with for a long time would be there too.
She still thinks her and dad have only just split up after getting back together and haven't been apart that long overall, it seems to be the new mixed up memory she is stuck on at the moment.
She wasn't too upset or agitated about things yesterday even though questioning and mixed up which at least makes things easier to deal with but she almost got upset on the phone after I came home in the evening. She rang to ask me if I'd take her to supermarket on Saturday and was talking as if I'd not seen her for ages, she sounded a bit teary. I think I managed to cheer her up and reassure her I'd be there tomorrow morning and Saturday and she didn't sound as teary when we hung up, she even laughed when I made a joke about her using her mobile phone to ring me so I hope she was ok. ?

 

[DesperateofDevon]

The regression of memory & it’s fluctuating are so hard to deal with, I am in awe of what you do. Truly!
we all cope & care in our own unique ways & with dementia who knows what today, tomorrow... heck even the next hour or minute will bring! It is like the weirdest a lucky dip box ever! So let’s hope for a good one today xx

 

[Woo2]

Hi @annielou , yes mum has been a second day for 2 weeks , she was happy enough to go , I didn’t exactly ask her I said that she was such a great help to them that they asked if she would do another day , she was so happy that she agreed instantly , another big fib but hey it works , I get time out and she gets different company so it’s win win . I am really quite apprehensive about the carer but will just see how it goes . I’m sorry mum is struggling , hope today is better so far . Xx