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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,481
I was going to say the same thing as @canary, but you said in your post that you heard it was the surgery, so I assumed you knew definitely that's who it was. I certainly found a call from SS on mum's answerphone once in which she told them no she hadn't phoned the police (they'd referred her to SS after she had) and she was perfectly fine. When I phoned them and asked that they contact me before talking to mum they were very snitty about it all. Maybe you do need to double check. At the very least it would be worth telling whoever it was that phoned that your mother doesn't actually recognise you. Pretending you shower when you don't is very minor compared to telling someone the person in the same room as you isn't the person it actually is.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,395
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa @canary xxx
I hope not, answerphone message did say surgery and I'm sure person on phone said so but I will try ring surgey later. Mum got letter yesterday about blood needign to be repeated but date was 6th which was before we went friday so think sent letter then rang and made appointment so been already. I think I'll ring check if needs go back and ask if anyone rang mum yesterday cos she was bit confused who was.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
358
I'm sure @canary and @Sarasa are right, worth a check. I was thinking about the shower thing, SS also told me the fact dad was only washing occasionally and with a dirty flannel was his choice but Dad always showered first thing, every day, and after swimming which he did most days, and he shaved twice a day, every day, for decades. He never was good at washing his flannel regularly or cleaning anything really but he wasn't a dirty person. I hate the way SS just lump them into their boxes.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,395
Yorkshire
Maybe it's a common thing for SWs to say @imthedaughter . It really annoyed me cos if they had known my mum before, she was so clean in herself and home and quite vocal about people who aren't and she still is vocal about others now just doesn't notice it about herself.
After quite a few attempts I managed to get through to DRs surgery at dinnertime and receptionist confirmed it was them who called yesterday. It was of health check along with BP and bloods mum had taken at surgery as part of mums annual check for the peripheral disease she has in leg, so that was a relief. 👍
I missed a call from MC today while out having my hair cut. She left message to ring back to talk about how mum was doing. I rang back but she must have finished for day so if don't hear before will try her on thursday afternoon.
Its been a bit of an up and down day today, I rang mum on way over this morning and she sounded all snuffly, said had cold her head hurt and her neck ached, she asked where I was I said in car on way and she said Oh ok I'll see you soon then. Think if not set off already mum would have said not to come as not feeling good. When I got there mum was in grumpy mood and told me she'd told me not to come. I said she hadn't but I wasn't going to argue over it. I washed hands etc and took her glass of water for tablets. She snapped What do I want that for? I said for your tablets. Urgghhhh bloody tablets. When I gave her tablets she put them down on sofa rather than take them. I waited couple minutes and then said Are you going to take your tablets mum? Mum snapped IN A MINUTE! She waited a bit but did take them. She sat ignoring me for a while, loudly sniffing. Then she said Are you going to go home? I said I can't, hubbys gone home. She did her growl that she does lately when frustrated or angry at me and said Well I didn't ask you to come. I didn't say anything and she sat sniffing for a while longer
A bit later she said What you going to do just sit there? I said I can do what you like. Mum said You can go home. I said I can't hubby's gone home. She said So are you going to sit there all bloody day? She was looking at me this time so I smiled big smile and said Do you want me to do owt for you, any jobs I can do? Mum said No love. She still sounded grumpy but had said Love so I hoped there was a bit of a thaw. I sat quiet a bit longer and after bit she asked if wanted cup of tea.
She was grumpy again a bit later when talking about her cold and blowing nose and she told me to Shut up. But not long after when I was looking for mints in my bag she offered me one of hers and seemed to have thawed a bit again. Then she gave up on her puzzle and said she felt rotten cos of cold and was hot and I joked about her wanting a man to fan her and she laughed.
She started asking Are you our Andrea? Are you with Hubby? Where do you live? a few times so I asked if wanted tele on. Not long after put tele on she cheered up and snufflyness seemed to go off. She asked a few questions about rent and house and was calling me 'friend' from before lunch onwards but she was quite calm and ok rest of time I was there till Carer came at 2 and I left not long after.
Mum rang about 7 asking where W (my dad) was. She asked where he had gone and why he wasn't there. I tried to explain she didn't live with dad and hadn't for long time. She said she didn't understand what was happening and couldn't remember, she was sure she lived with dad but he wasn't here. She couldn't understand how dad was dead when she'd seen him other day and he'd been living with her till christmas and said he wanted live with C. I told her she was remembering something from long time ago, I said the usual thing about her brain getting tired and it muddles things up. I said it'll come back to you in morning. Mum said It won't cos I've been thinking about him all week, which is true. Mum said I can't believe it it can't be right, I know I lived with him here, it was only few week ago at Christmas. She was asking about the house she lived in, if dad had lived in it, I said he hadn't it was just her house. She was upset and said she didn't know why she was on her own, or what to do, didn't know what was happening. She had nobody, I told her she had me and Mum said But I've no man I said No I know but you have been better off without him for years and he wouldn't be around much if he was still here cos he was always out. Mum asked if she saw 'friend and her hubby' I said not now, she asked why I said they weren't friends anymore. Mum said doesn't 'friend' come see me I'm sure she comes, I said that's me mum. She asked bit bout that and said thought didn't see me. Then went back to where was W? what happened to him cos they were together, I said it's long time ago mum it's an old memory. Mum asked about him being dead and said she had nobody again and then said I can't even go see my mum cos she's dead too. I said I know mum I'm sorry and she said I know you are I'm sorry love I'll go and then hung up. She was crying when hung up so I rang her back.
Mum was still crying, I asked if she was ok. She said No I don't know what's happening I don't understand why I'm here on my own. She asked about dad again and wanted to know if still lived in old house and what happened to it, where dad went. I briefly took her through what happened when, mum said she didn't remember any of it and was sure her and dad had lived together till Christmas which was only few week ago. She asked why did she think it was only recent. I said Its what happens sometimes when you're brain gets tired, mum asked why, could I explain it cos she didn't understand what was happening, she didn't like it, did I know?
I told her it's not fair but it's what happens sometimes when people get alzheimers, the brain gets muddled and sometimes it remembers an old memory, mixes in other memories, misses out lots of recent things and comes up with something that feels real and recent but it isn't . Mum said It feesl real to me, I said I know it's hard but try not to think too much tonight, it'll come back to you tomorrow, you'll remember things better in morning. She said she'd try and I asked what she'd been doing and she said her puzzles and had tele on so I said try just think of those and not worry. She said ok and asked if I'd come see her sometime and I said tomorrow morning. She said good and then said I think our Andreas coming tomorrow though. I said That's ok mum that's me and she said Oh your our Andrea aren't you. I said Yes, mum said Is it 'friend' then who's coming? I said No it's me. She asked did she see 'friend' and her hubby. I told her not now and she wanted know why, I said you not been friends for years I dont know why mum.( I didn't want to say why.) She said don't I have any friends now then? I thought I saw a friend. I told her she used to see another friend who we'd been talking about earlier today and said her daughter stopped working and so she was spending more time with her and you spent lot of time with me so you stopped meeting up.
Mum said But I don't see you? I told her she did everyday, she said I'd not been today she'd been on her own all day so I said I'd been there till bout 1/4 past 2 and carer had been, she remembered carer and said Oh Yes sorry, She asked if saw her other kids. I told her had me and see her everyday and sis who lives in scotland, rang her every week. She asked few questions about who I lived with, where, and did she come to my house, could she come when she was feeling better sometime, I told her she could. She said but I don't have anybody else but you, I said you got hubby and sis and I'm there loads so you don't have time for many other people. She said I thought I was on my own all time. I said I'm there most of the day it's only evening I'm not and you're in bed asleep a lot of it. She said I love you Andie and I said I love you mum that's why I'm always with you we're like Siamese twins and she laughed.
We went round a couple of times more about not seeing friends and dad and where she lived but she had stopped crying and was sounding a bit calmer by then. I told her not to think too much tonight, she'd remember in the morning, she was in right place, everything she had was there, she didn't need to worry cos everything was sorted, she was safe there. I'd be there in the morning. She said ok and told me she loved me, I said same and we said see you tomorrow and hung up. I think she felt a bit better when we hung up though still confused bless her.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,848
North West
You know in time my mum used to walk to the entrance of the estate and wait for my dad to come home at tea time. Luckily the neighbours had got to know mum that lived near the entrance and walk her back home. I had stopped telling mum long before this waiting started that dad was dead and used to tell her that he was away as it seemed better than reminding her of the trauma of bad news. I still feel for my mum, so lost in what is real what isn't -but then to her it was real and still is -that dad will be coming home for his tea.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,397
Bedford
I met a social worker today in a different context and she said it surprises her still how many social workers dealing with the elderly have limited knowledge regarding dementia. As it became apparent that the number of people with dementia was increasing she took time to learn about it.
Wishing today is better for you and your Mum
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,395
Yorkshire
Thanks @DianeW @Palerider @Bikerbeth xxx
She sounds like a good one @Bikerbeth hope we get one to do mums next assessment like her. 🤞 Mind you my knowledge is very limited too and I'm dealing with it everyday and haven't learnt about it so I'm as bad as them.
It is so sad for mum, poor love has big chunks of her memory she can't access and what she can get to is mixed up and doesn't make sense. I do often start by just saying you don't live with him now mum rather than telling her he's dead straight away but I find it so hard to think of things to say to comfort mum when she's questioning, she flits from different things in seconds, she can ask where dad is as if he's still with her, then know they split up but it's recent, then know he's dead but think just happened, then back to where is he, all after each other and mixed up in different orders and I just can't find an answer that works when she's flitting about between and often thinking two things at once. She often wants to go to her and dads house and now thinks sometimes she has seen him in the house or street and I'm worried that going along with that will make her more likely to go looking for him and I'm in constant fear of that.
She is worried that something isn't right a lot of the time and so questions, if in wrong house, does she need to pay rent, do people know she's there, has she left things at other peoples houses. Her house doesn't always feel familiar so she thinks she's just moved there, but can only remember living with dad so they must have split up, so why, did she leave things there, has someone got them, or it's not her house, it's another house but not one she lives in, or lately a couple of times it's her mums house. She's scared being on her own so she thinks she shouldn't be but where have people gone, where's my dad, where's her mum, where am I have I just left without telling her, where are her friends. She doesn't always recognise me so I can't be me, so who am I,I'm familiar though so I must be 'friend' as she remembers spending time with her, or I must be A friend cos I'm there often.
The hardest thing I find to deal with in a way that helps mum is that she flits between all these different things at the same time so how do I go along with it as when I do she will then question herself by saying but.... as she flits to one of other thoughts. I know people say enter their world but mums world is constantly shifting second by second and I'm not quick enough to jump in to right one and then switch about with her.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
328
I don’t think you could enter your mums world.You would be so dizzy! She must be too and maybe that adds to her inability to understand and remember.
I hope SS respond quickly, it is a bit worrying that nothing has been heard after the original call. I wonder if you are lower priority as they know that come what may you will not leave your mum without any support.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,395
Yorkshire
I don’t think you could enter your mums world.You would be so dizzy! She must be too and maybe that adds to her inability to understand and remember.
I hope SS respond quickly, it is a bit worrying that nothing has been heard after the original call. I wonder if you are lower priority as they know that come what may you will not leave your mum without any support.
I sure would. Mum must be. I wish her brain would give her a break from tormenting her so much. I often say wish could turn our brains off for a bit, not off off but power down type of thing, like standby mode so the mechanics are ticking away doing bare necessities to keep us going but not doing much else so it can get a rest.
Could be right about low priority, I imagine they’re more stretched than usual at mo and were’t exactly quick before and if looked at previous assessment probably think we won’t want what they’re going to offer so will continue as I am anyway
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,395
Yorkshire
Sis had call back from SS today. . SW coming friday. Told sis from wot said on form sounds like mum is eligible for permanent care. Sent us form bout top up fees n finances just in case for us to be looking at.
I feel sick and want to cry
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,481
@annielou, I know it's a big step, but honestly it will be the best one for your mum and for your husband and you. It will be tough, specially at first but don't think for one minute you can cope any longer doing what you're doing.
I don't know anything about top up fees etc as my mum is self-funding but I know others will be along to advise shortly.
{{{{hugs}}}}
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
683
Lytham St Annes
Do not agree to top up fees........

That is very good news so far, it’s not easy and it’s going to be tough.....but it’s tough now.

You need to remember that this is not a choice, it’s a necessity.

Your not the big bad wolf taking your lovely Mum out of her lovely life and making her go into a Care home....you a loving daughter who has no choice than to ensure your Mum lives in a safe environment....she can’t do it at home.

Now you need to be prepared and show SS why a Care home is needed now for your Mum...and that’s because she needs 24 hour care to safeguard her and keep her safe.

Please stress this very strongly and how you will no longer be able to visit her daily for your own health reasons.

It’s a positive step, this but still need to fight her corner and be very persistent on Friday.

Write a letter with bullet points on.

And in big letters MUM IS NOT SAFE AT HOME AND NEEDS 24hr CARE

Give this to Social worker to read as maybe difficult getting everything across in front of Mum......please don’t make light of things though, you now need to be strong for your Mum so she gets the care she needs, it’s the only way.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
795
Hi @annielou, I can totally understand how you feel - it's really difficult when you hear it, the reality hits home really hard. One thing is certain none of you (Mum, you or your Husband) can continue as things are, I am amazed that you have managed so far, and you know that Mum's condition is worsening. I think it is just human nature when it is someone we care for deeply (and the bond with Mum is special) that we leave it longer than we should, hoping somehow things will get better (I know I did) when we know it won't. This is the next step in the dementia journey - wherever that takes you and Mum you have done everything for her and can give no more. You and your sister need to be happy with what is proposed and don't be afraid to push for what you want for Mum. All the best, stay strong.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,199
South East
Oh @annielou , I can understand how you feel completely 🤗 Please just try and stay strong for a little bit longer , hopefully sis can help you along , I agree you will probably still need to fight to get mum that, great points by Diane about bulletin points , just try and remember how bad it has been , how hubby is stressed , re read your posts or print some out ,it will not be long until you would have to stay overnight , and even then it may not settle Mum if she doesn’t recognise you . Our family navigator told me to keep mum here until she doesn’t recognize me then it’s time for a home and her words have stuck with me.Also this way you can plan it, rather than have to do it all in a crisis situation .sending you massive hugs and strength .🤗🤗 xx
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,848
North West
Sis had call back from SS today. . SW coming friday. Told sis from wot said on form sounds like mum is eligible for permanent care. Sent us form bout top up fees n finances just in case for us to be looking at.
I feel sick and want to cry
I know its a horrible place to be, but try to take things one step at a time
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,397
Bedford
So pleased that social worker is coming on Friday. I know it will be so hard on you and but as others have said - none of you can continue as you are. As Woo2 said as well, DianeW did that good summary the other day. Ultimately it is all to keep your Mum safe despite all the confusion but also to take some of the stress and worry out of your life and reduce the stress on hubby too.
I will be sending strength to you on Friday.
🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

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