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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
683
Lytham St Annes
All of this needs to be reported when assessed, I think this is going to be a regular occurrence.

I also really think it needs to be you that speaks to SS I know you would like it to be your sister, but I don’t think she could explain it like you can.

Although she is supportive her understanding is limited because she hasn’t been involved except for phone calls etc. You really do need to speak to them.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,402
Bedford
when Mum stopped recognising her keys to lock her house up at night that was one of my main factors for deciding to move her into a care home so please ensure social services are aware of this development. Your Mum obviously did not recognise them as the keys to her current house even though she agreed with you that she had used them to open her door there.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,409
Yorkshire
Thanks @DianeW @Bikerbeth @Woo2 xxx
Back in september last year mum started getting in a panic about her keys, thinking she had lost them, going outside to look for them when she had to use the keys to unlock the door so obviously had keys with her but didn't understand that. Turning the house upside down looking for keys when she had them with her or they were in the door. We had to go over a few times to tell her what keys were which or help her find them. One time she rang and hubby and I went through at 1/2 past 11 to help her find them when we knew she had them but she wouldn't believe us. One of the times she rang and we had to go and collect her and bring her here overnight as she was so confused and distressed over her keys. We took all the spare and old keys out of mums drawers as she used to find them and wonder where they were for and go outside to try them in the doors.
She was obsessed with unlocking the door to check they were locked and when I stayed with her for 3 months I used to follow her round to get her away from doors and stop her, unlocking and locking them over and over. It would usually take her between 20 minutes and an hour and half to get in bed with all the checking. I told MC and SS this at first assessments and said as I was staying with her then it was one of things I worried about when I left and nobody was there to reassure her over keys and stop her going outside.
They suggested door sensors which we had done but that doesn't settle mum after call handler told her not to go out if she's confused like yesterday when she was still fretting about her keys. Although it talks to mum and lets me know if goes out and doesn't come back, it doesn't stop her physically going out if she chooses to ignore it or gets out before starts speaking and doesn't hear it. Like the other night when mum went out of back door to water plants after 9pm and didn't hear box till she came back in with watering can and heard them talking and calling her on phone.
When mum started on sertraline last January she calmed down a lot on the key front and when sis and I decided to try mum staying at home overnight on her own she seemed to have got over the keys thing but now we're starting again and this time she thinks they're for her other house. Sometimes when she's sundowning late afternoon and thinks she needs to go to her mums as she's only just died, or she thinks has another house with my dad where she left her furniture she will say she has a key for it cos she has 3 keys on her keyring and thinks one is for there but she hasn't thought the whole set of keys are for other house before.
'll tell sis this morning so she's up to date and yes it definately needs mentioning to SS when speak to them in assessment.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,490
@annielou, my mother used to get into terrible muddle with keys too. She would phone in a panic about having lost them, and when I pointed out she must have them in her flat somewhere as she'd used them to get in, she'd think the neighbours had stolen them. They always turned up, of course. This worry about stolen keys led to her locking herself in and then being unable to unlock the door so she'd call the police who'd have to come round, get her to throw keys down to them and then they'd come up and unlock the door for her. Obviously not sustainable, and though it wasn't the main reason for moving mum to care, it contributed to it.
The worry is that your mum will decide those are the keys to the other house, unlock her door and trot off down the road to sort things out.
Is it possible to get hold of SS and tell them that things are ramping up and they need to treat the referral that you've just sent in as an emergency?
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,409
Yorkshire
@Sarasa apart from the police having to unlock her part that is so like mum. It was happening a lot last year before I stayed and I'm really concerned it's happening again now. Especially as she is now sure she has another house or has key to her mums house and thinks she has things there and sometimes now thinks she is in her mums house not her own and like you say the fear she will try going to other house is huge. Also just the thought of mum outside in her nightie late at night looking for keys with her door open is scary as who knows who could come along and do who knows what.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,231
South East
It is another big worry to add to your ever growing list , I’m so sorry @annielou , i agree that it is a big bullet point to tell SS . Hope they do indeed get back to you sooner rather than later . They are the ones with the duty of care to your mum not you . 🤗 Xx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
795
Hi @annielou, what an awful situation with Mum. Its the muddle that she is obviously in when you aren't there. If you still haven't submitted the referral I would use the following phrase - Mum now needs 24 hour supervision and being on her own presents a serious safeguarding risk. (or words to that effect but use the phrase serious safeguarding risk as that cannot be ignored). Also explain that she is activating the door sensors late at night in an attempt to 'go home'.
now thinks she is in her mums house not her own and like you say the fear she will try going to other house is huge
On a positive note, in an extremely challenging situation, you do have the door sensors which is great as you will be alerted to Mum trying to 'go home'.
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,409
Yorkshire
Someone rang sis this morning about half nine so that was quick. She asked if mum could wash dress etc sis said physicaly yes but doesn’t remember if done them or not or when needs doing and wears same things over and over. Asked about falls so sis said mum was bit unsteady before but ok. She asked if thought mum needs permanent care and sis said yes. Told her about mum setting sensor off going out with keys thinking for other house. She asked if mum knew and sis said she didnt know about this referral, mum sometimes said needed help but others she didnt want it and didnt want to go in home because she was scared but was scared at home alone. She asked again if sis thought needed permanent care and sis said yes. She agreed they should do another assessment and will be in touch to arrange. Sis asked for afternoon so she cud travel down and be here for it. But that might not be possible so will see what happens next.
I was in middle of copying and pasting my posts for last week onto word document to send sis to give her idea what week with mum was like when sis rang to tell me SS called. It turned into 16 pages 😯and that was just my posts not replies. She said it looked like roll of toilet paper when she opened it on her phone 😀lol. She was going out so would look at it later on computer.
I don’t think she was too bothered about reading it as has lots of messages from me bout mum she was going to look through anyway. I had thought she would get it before had call from SS as didnt expect such a quick reply and it might be easier to have last week to read and tell them about rather than her looking through text and messenger messages but its so long its probably not.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
333
Sounds like they are acting on it. I hope it all works out for your mum, she must be kept safe and it’s too much for one person (even you superwoman) to do.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,231
South East
I’m glad they have responded promptly too , they aren’t going to want to do too much so will need the proverbial push up the backside . I wouldn’t be surprised if your mum has a better few days just to make you question if she is really that bad /needs more , you won’t need to but you have your posts to remind you . I would like her to have better days for all of your sakes . Hope it’s ok so far . 🤞
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,409
Yorkshire
Thanks for your replies xxxxx
I was feeling bad yesterday after sis submitted online form as mum had quite good day, then she rang confused and couldn’t retain anything I told properly and then set sensor off at night so sis and hubby said it was right.
Today mum is quite good too. Doesn’t know who I am but seems to have remembered going for bp taking to DRs later and asked me to straighten her hair so its tidy. We did have half hour of other house, she thinks she might stay here as doesn’t have to pay rent so better than other house. I went to other house up there but I didnt know anyone. So I could stay here. Is W dead? will our Andrea and our -(sis) want to go to funeral? Is it long time ago? I Can’t remember if was last night or this morning but I thought I saw him walking down street.
She’s not having a bad day now while I’m here I hope it continues when we go home later tonight. I don’t want her to be upset on her own tonight
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
683
Lytham St Annes
You need to reiterate very loudly at the assessment -

Your Mum is mostly distressed, confused, anxious, tormented, delusional etc....even when your with her.

She mostly doesn’t recognise you and understand that your her much loved and wanted daughter, gets angry, disbelief when you tell her it’s you.

You are no longer able to provide the high level of support that your Mum needs, for your own health reasons.

Your Mum regularly opens her doors whilst alone, confused about where she lives and lost keys, she says needs to go to other house....setting alarm off, meaning you have to call her late at night, and you can’t continue, and are petrified she will go out looking for her other home, your very concerned for her safety.

Constantly distressed about her mum and your dads deaths, afraid of being on her own, she has nobody and wants to live with her Mum.

She does not have the capacity to understand the referral to SS, or the safeguarding issues around her care needs, so she is unable to agree to it, or give her consent.

I’m sure I will think of other things too.......
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,402
Bedford
So pleased that social services have responded quickly. I also hope another assessment is done soon.
I think @DianeW has summed it up so well.
When talking to them keep thinking about the bad days.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,409
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x Hope it doesn't take a long time and it goes better than last two.
Took mum back to DRs today, we thought to check her BP again but turned out to be for another a blood test to check her kidney function as one of her levels was high on test last week. I hope that isn't going to be something bad 🤞
Mum was ok about going today, she asked if should get changed and apart from a bit of I need to go to loo and then in car she kept saying I'm not sure where it is sorry as if we didn't know cos she thought she hadn't been before. Sat in the waiting room mum noticed a board saying know your condition, and said I know my condition I'm mental. I told her No you're not. Then mum started reading the conditions on board and said ooh Dementia that is me I'm up there. I said You're on the board mum and she laughed. It didn't bother her at all.
While we were waiting mum was asking if I'd go in with her and also asking about me and hubby, where we lived was it my house or his, she thought we'd been with other people before and already had houses, how long had we been married, weren't I with 'friends hubby' before, wasn't hubby with 'friend'. Then the nurse came and I could go in with her this time.
On the way back to mums she kept asking hubby if he knew where she lived and then was he just dropping her off and was surprised when hubby said He was staying for cos not enough time to go home back to work before he would be coming back for dinner. When we got to her house she got out and was saying bye to us like we were just dropping her off. We've always gone in with mum even if only taking her home after a visit so dunno where that came from. I told her we were going in with her and I was going to make us dinner. She said ok but when we were inside and sat down she seemed a bit unsettled at first. After a while she asked if I was staying for dinner and I said Yes and told her what I was going to make and she said Oh that'll be lovely and seemed to settle then and was happier after that, especially when she was telling chaser off on tele and moaning at news which was quite comical and even mum laughed at herself.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,231
South East
Hope the blood tests are ok @annielou 🤞 About 18 months ago a routine test for mum came back with a high reading and dr was concerned mum might have kidney problem or diabetes so she had a repeat and it was all fine , hope the same for Mum . It seems like it’s just one worry after another but try not to worry too much . Hope today goes ok for you .🤗
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,490
Hope the blood tests are fine @annielou, but good to get them checked. Your mum is a bit of a puzzle isn't she. My mum wouldn't have been able to read things on the doctor's notice board, but if she did there is no way she would have suggested that she had dementia, as far as she was concerned it was me that had dementia and therefore I was doing odd things like trying to get mum to the memory clinic.
Hope you get the assessment through soon. I think from the phone call your sister had they might say your mum could manage at home as she can dress and shower herself and I assume make a cup of tea or simple food. I think you need to stress she'd not be able to do any of those things unless you were there to prompt and it's not something you are able to do full time anymore. I know it feels like going behind her back and really horrible to stress how upset she is on her own and how confused she's become. However it's not about what she wants any more, its about what she needs and I think in full time care she will really thrive.
Hope today is an OK day too. {{{hugs}}}
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,409
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa xx Fingers crossed this not something else to worry about. Hubby took mum BP at home on wednesday night and it was sky high in the red zone . I took it thursday a bit after lunch and it was loads lower and in amber range and then took it again yesterday at same sort of time as thursday and it was in green range. I don't know if mums mood and confusion has effect on it as on wednesday she was quite mixed up but when I took it thursday and yesterday she was relaxed and more with it.
Yesterday mum was more with it than usual most of day and didn't call last night so it was a good day although I was still on edge all night wondering if ok.
She is a puzzle with recognising she has dementia, sometimes she sees or hears something about it and says she has that, others she doesn't react at all and at other times if me or someone says she has it she gets uptight and says she hasn't. She has told me a time or two when seen something to do with it, Everybody says I have that but the DR told me I hadn't. I have no idea where that comes from.
I think SS will try to keep mum at home and suggest carers and maybe use respite so we'll have to see. Sis did say physically she can get washed and dressed but she doesn't know when or if she has done them. On the form sis put
My sister spends the majority of the day with her to ensure she has her medication and meals, prompts her to shower, wash her hair and change her clothes as mum is no longer able to recognise when these things need to be done (as opposed to choosing not to do them).
Mum is also unable to cook for herself, understand hygiene, or recognise if she has or has not done any housework.
Sis purposely put the as 'opposed to choosing not to do them' as last time when I told SW mum didn't shower everyday or remember when to wash her hair SW said something like if mum chooses not to go in shower one day thats her choice we all have days where we don't bother as much. It really annoyed me as it wasn't a choice, she forgets, if you ask mum she will say she goes in shower everyday and washes hair twice a week and is always cleaning. So sis thought she'd make the point why it happened bless her she said I thought you'd appreciate that bit lol
We'll have to try our best to get the best for mum, which now seems like that is a home with 24 hr care, it's not what mum or any of us wants really, but I think as mum has been recently it's what she needs. If things improved in mum feeling safe on her own and could get by with more help at home then fair enough but most days lately that hasn't been the case and she needs constant support.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,231
South East
Mood definitely affects blood pressure . The wording was good about washing etc , how on earth can SW say she has decided not to ! :rolleyes: That’s ridiculous , suggests she has a lot to learn about Dementia, maybe she should join this forum and educate herself .