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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Not sure if mum slept ok or not last night as she didn't remember but she said she had been up late. She got her knitting out today and it was lots smaller than yesterday and all the wool was in a tangle. She said she was still up doing it at 1 o'clock last night. I asked her why she was up till 1 and she said cos she'd gone wrong and wanted to take it out and it took that long to pull it out and pick it up. I asked her if she went to bed after and slept ok and she said she'd gone to bed but she couldn't remember how slept. She's been knitting since beginning of week and every day it's smaller than it was when I left night before as she keeps pulling out whats she done.
She's had a couple of little snappy moments today and not seemed as happy. This morning her telephone bill came and was about £15 more than normally is each quarter, Mum said I bet he's been ringing her on my phone. Meaning my dad and the woman he lived with years after they split up but who mum thinks he recently left her for. :( The increase in the bill was really due to her ringing me so often to ask if I'd been to see her or ask about if my dad and her mum were dead but she was sure dad had been using it.
We'd been talking about washing hands after touching bill and mum had used her pen to open envelope and had said she'd have to wash pen too, but then suddenly she got in huff about washing her hands and got stroppy with me and stomped off with bill into kitchen and then was quite snappy and snotty with me again in kitchen when we were washing our hands, luckily she got over it after a few minutes. A couple of other times today she's snapped a bit over nothing and then a minute later was ok.
When carer came I was picking up mums knitting she'd undone again so mum let her in, carer asked her how she was and mum said Not bad, carer said Only not bad and mum said MMM. She hasn't seemed as happy today, not sad really but just not as happy
Carer was asking before I left if there was anything to do and mentioned dusting and hoovering and mum was putting her off, saying she'd done things and they didn't need doing and then when carer said again well shall we just dust and hoover then mum told her in a bit of a stroppy voice she could if she wanted then. I hope she didn't do with carer what she does with me and let her start and then get mad at her for doing it, hopefully she won't 🤞
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
One other thought about the photo album it does seem care home does use it when Mum gets agitated (when they can find it)
Sorry to hear that Mum was not so happy today and a bit snappy. Hopefully it is just a blip.
Did you have a nice afternoon/evening without too much ironing and cleaning!!!!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x
My sister said yesterday she thinks when mums dose was upped last time that mum seemed happier then went down again and then evened out. Hubby and I can't remember but if she's right hopefully mum will even out soon.
I think I'd brought home a bit of mums mood yesterday cos I felt bit grumpy, or it could be hormones too. I'd messaged my sister in the afternoon about mums door sensor and making time its activated earlier. I had a feeling we'd talked about it before but not decided time. I'd not done it yet as had been looking for booklet with contact details in at mums in odd minutes mum was out of room for a few days last week, then remembered I had bill in mums folder at home and kept meaning to ask sis what thought of time and contact them but forgot this week Yesterday I messaged and I said I couldn't remember if we'd talked about it before and then told her time I'd thought of and why. She replied Yeah I mentioned it a few weeks ago lol. It annoyed me. I thought was last week and was bit annoyed at her making out I was taking long time, she's not the quickest at doing stuff either and hadn't mentioned it again to remind me, I know I'd no need to be annoyed but for some reason I was.
She asked how things had been so I told her about mum being a bit snappy with me over washing her hands when bill came and whats she'd said bout dad using phone, said she'd been a bit stroppy with carer when she was asking about cleaning and didn't seem as happy yesterday. Sis replied in her usual 'it'll be right' don't worry about it mode which I find is good a lot of the time as I tend to go other way, but yesterday it got on my nerves a bit.
Especially when she asked me about mum not doing jobs and then told me You have to feel sorry for her as she probably thinks she has done it and doesn't like being reminded she forgets. She said she knows I don't like mums standards slipping but there's no point getting in arguments about it cos it's hard enough keeping her settled without thinking she should be cleaning every day. I get what sis is saying, but it got to me yesterday, like she thinks I've not thought of that. I do feel sorry for mum which is why when I do mention it I try to do it as gently as possible. I do realise its not worth agro and upset everyday, lots of people on here have told me same thing but you can't leave it forever and without me or carer mentioning it that is what would happen. I don't think she should clean everyday, but never is not a good alternative, we're lucky if anything gets done once a week, more usually lately it's a fortnight before she lets me do anything and usually then she goes mad at me part way though when her mood changes and she's forgot she agreed to it.
We talked a bit bout mum not getting in shower and washing her hair as much and wearing same trousers and cardis over and over. That she seemed to have gone back in time to when could only bath once or twice a week and flannel washed every day instead. I said at weekend she'd gone in shower washed hair and it looked like she'd been going in shower since, although she'd not washed her hair again and on monday she had dusted and hoovered herself and had seemed happier and calmer apart from not sleeping two night, so I'd hoped with tablets she'd turned a corner and was bit more motivated and happier and calmer but it was seeming like it was slipping off a bit now. That's when sis said she thought mum had done this last time dose was increased so hopefully she is right. 🤞
She finished off by saying she thinks the most important thing is to get the POA sorted and if solicitor says can't do it try for deputyship. I agreed but I bit my tongue as I knew I was in a bad mood and didn't want to upset sis just cos I was feeling sensitive and het up but what I felt like saying was. Oh you mean that thing I've mentioned to you loads over last few months and you've just mm'd and agreed, That I told you mum didn't want one even though she agreed they're a good idea when I talked to her about it but maybe mum might say different to you if you want to try. But you've never talked to her about it. And then I told you she had said other week it was good idea but I didn't think we could do it ourselves on line but did you want to read it to check but you'd never come back and told me you'd read it or what you thought. And then a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned it again and you suggested someone to sign who I thought mum wouldn't want to know about it and I didn't think she would want responsibility and so I reminded you we may be able to do it with a solicitor but during lockdown didn't know if we could. So we said we should look at contacting some solicitors and asking what do and if not maybe look at deputyship and I told you there was stuff online about lpa and deputyship but I was struggling to take it in and you said you'd read too it but work was mad at moment and you weren't right good on a night and didn't have much time but you'd look when you could and today is first time you've mentioned it and even now not said whether you've read anything about it or contacted anyone.
Good job I didn't say anything of that to her as I don't want to upset her and I realised it was my bad mood really. I know she's not feeling great at the moment and has a lot on, I can tell when I talk to her, but I felt at the time like she thought all I did was moan at mum that she wasn't cleaning and didn't do anything else, which I know is not true. We both need to get on with organising things and we're both tired and not in mood on a night and don't have time in day so don't think we should moan at each other and sis probably wan't really yesterday it was probably just me taking it that way so I'm glad I didn't say anything snotty to her .
Need to find my good mood face for mums today 🔍🔎:)
 
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TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,827
cornwall
Thanks @Bikerbeth x
My sister said yesterday she thinks when mums dose was upped last time that mum seemed happier then went down again and then evened out. Hubby and I can't remember but if she's right hopefully mum will even out soon.
I think I'd brought home a bit of mums mood yesterday cos I felt bit grumpy, or it could be hormones too. I'd messaged my sister in the afternoon about mums door sensor and making time its activated earlier. I had a feeling we'd talked about it before but not decided time. I'd not done it yet as had been looking for booklet with contact details in at mums in odd minutes mum was out of room for a few days last week, then remembered I had bill in mums folder at home and kept meaning to ask sis what thought of time and contact them but forgot this week Yesterday I messaged and I said I couldn't remember if we'd talked about it before and then told her time I'd thought of and why. She replied Yeah I mentioned it a few weeks ago lol. It annoyed me. I thought was last week and was bit annoyed at her making out I was taking long time, she's not the quickest at doing stuff either and hadn't mentioned it again to remind me, I know I'd no need to be annoyed but for some reason I was.
She asked how things had been so I told her about mum being a bit snappy with me over washing her hands when bill came and whats she'd said bout dad using phone, said she'd been a bit stroppy with carer when she was asking about cleaning and didn't seem as happy yesterday. Sis replied in her usual 'it'll be right' don't worry about it mode which I find is good a lot of the time as I tend to go other way, but yesterday it got on my nerves a bit.
Especially when she asked me about mum not doing jobs and then told me You have to feel sorry for her as she probably thinks she has done it and doesn't like being reminded she forgets. She said she knows I don't like mums standards slipping but there's no point getting in arguments about it cos it's hard enough keeping her settled without thinking she should be cleaning every day. I get what sis is saying, but it got to me yesterday, like she thinks I've not thought of that. I do feel sorry for mum which is why when I do mention it I try to do it as gently as possible. I do realise its not worth agro and upset everyday, lots of people on here have told me same thing but you can't leave it forever and without me or carer mentioning it that is what would happen. I don't think she should clean everyday, but never is not a good alternative, we're lucky if anything gets done once a week, more usually lately it's a fortnight before she lets me do anything and usually then she goes mad at me part way though when her mood changes and she's forgot she agreed to it.
We talked a bit bout mum not getting in shower and washing her hair as much and wearing same trousers and cardis over and over. That she seemed to have gone back in time to when could only bath once or twice a week and flannel washed every day instead. I said at weekend she'd gone in shower washed hair and it looked like she'd been going in shower since, although she'd not washed her hair again and on monday she had dusted and hoovered herself and had seemed happier and calmer apart from not sleeping two night, so I'd hoped with tablets she'd turned a corner and was bit more motivated and happier and calmer but it was seeming like it was slipping off a bit now. That's when sis said she thought mum had done this last time dose was increased so hopefully she is right. 🤞
She finished off by saying she thinks the most important thing is to get the POA sorted and if solicitor says can't do it try for deputyship. I agreed but I bit my tongue as I knew I was in a bad mood and didn't want to upset sis just cos I was feeling sensitive and het up but what I felt like saying was. Oh you mean that thing I've mentioned to you loads over last few months and you've just mm'd and agreed, That I told you mum didn't want one even though she agreed they're a good idea when I talked to her about it but maybe mum might say different to you if you want to try. But you've never talked to her about it. And then I told you she had said other week it was good idea but I didn't think we could do it ourselves on line but did you want to read it to check but you'd never come back and told me you'd read it or what you thought. And then a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned it again and you suggested someone to sign who I thought mum wouldn't want to know about it and I didn't think she would want responsibility and so I reminded you we may be able to do it with a solicitor but during lockdown didn't know if we could. So we said we should look at contacting some solicitors and asking what do and if not maybe look at deputyship and I told you there was stuff online about lpa and deputyship but I was struggling to take it in and you said you'd read too it but work was mad at moment and you weren't right good on a night and didn't have much time but you'd look when you could and today is first time you've mentioned it and even now not said whether you've read anything about it or contacted anyone.
Good job I didn't say anything of that to her as I don't want to upset her and I realised it was my bad mood really. I know she's not feeling great at the moment and has a lot on, I can tell when I talk to her, but I felt at the time like she thought all I did was moan at mum that she wasn't cleaning and didn't do anything else, which I know is not true. We both need to get on with organising things and we're both tired and not in mood on a night and don't have time in day so don't think we should moan at other and sis probably wan't really yesterday it was probably just me taking it that way so I'm glad I didn't say anything snotty to her .
Need to find my good mood face for mums today 🔍🔎:)
Good luck The trouble with leaving things too long with LPOA is that eventually your mum will have no capacity ..So it is a thing you need to get on with.In your case it will probably be deputyship. I find (or I did) not so much now I thought of what my dad was like in the past but he is nowhere near the man he was.So although I know what he would want in the past that cannot always apply.Does your mum understand about LPOA? You would still be dealing with her finances only legally???
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,023
I agree with your sister, though I think it might be too late for LPA. When we did it for mum in 2017 it was obvious that she had some sort of dementia, but she was coping at home on her own, still cooking, showering and cleaning after a fashion. She knew exactly who we were and was very pro the idea of LPA as a friend she trusted had told her it was a good idea. As your mum doesn't know you a lot of the time, she is quite likely to think you are the 'friend' trying to get her money and tell the solicitor so. Mum said some rather odd things, but not enough to worry the solicitor as it was obvious she was keen on the idea. The only thing I fudged was the bill. Mum had insisted on going through a solicitor but I though when she realised how much it cost she'd refuse to sign the cheque. Mum's eyesight was too poor to see what I'd written on the cheque, she just signed her name and it all got sorted.
I really, really wouldn't worry about trying to keep up the same housekeeping standards, it isn't worth the hassle. As long as there is nothing that could cause your mum to be ill, such as out of date food or poo on the toilet seat, I'd ignore it. Hard I know when you have high standards and your mum did too. But that was then, and this unfortunately is now.
Lecture over, hope to day is OK. You are allowed to be cross and grumpy, but you do need a break. Sorry, lecture wasn't quite over!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Thanks @TNJJ and @Sarasa xx
I’m not sure to be honest if mum understands LPA properly. From when she was diagnosed its come up a few times with different people, when someone from memory team and social worker and lady from carer support came and mentioned it mum has always agreed they are a good idea but then said but I’m not having one.
We’ve talked about how helpful it would be for finances so someone, probably me, could talk to bank utilities etc on her behalf legally which I sort of do now and have been for years. She has consistently said I don’t want one and will carry on as we are and has said she’s not she’s having one for health cos nobody’s going to put her in a home.
A few times she has read about it in leaflet we got and she would agree they’re a good idea but said she’s not having one. I’ve tried talking to her about it quite a few times in the months since diagnosed but it’s always been the same thing. I’ve told sis about it and suggested she try talking to mum about it too but she hasn’t.
A few weeks ago mum was annoyed at me and said You’re not putting me in a home and I said I wasn’t and its not up to me anyway. After that mum was asking why it wasn’t up to me and ‘my sister what happened to her so we talked about LPA and she said we should get one. I think mainly she thought we could stop social services putting her in home if we had one.
As we don’t know anyone who can sign for mum to say understands and agrees to it if went online route, we thought of solicitor route after talking on here about it, which is why I talked about it with sis a few times. I’m concerned with solicitor mum might say I’m not daughter and I’m friend and also may not understand it enough to agree in front of solicitor so we may need to apply for deputyship which is what I said to sis a few weeks ago and she was going to have a read about it.
It annoyed me when sis said yesterday I think most important thing is to get LPA or deputyship sorted as I have been talking about it since diagnosis and sis hasn’t talked to mum about it or done anything other than agree with me that we could do with it but it’s difficult and I know it shouldn’t but it got on my nerves as it felt like she thought I was holding us up and not doing anything
 
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Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,023
Hi @annielou, maybe ask your sister explicitly to be the one to set either LPA or probably deputyship in motion. I now she has other things to do with her work and family, but you really don't have a lot of non mum time and she might be best placed to get it sorted.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Last time we talked about it before yesterday we agreed sis would read up on it and we’d look for solicitors after that to see if and how we could arrange it. Maybe she was meaning she’d read it and we should get on now but I just took it wrong. Think I’ve got pmt and am a bit sensitive at mo and I am fed up of all the sorting out have to do ourselves for mum so just being grumpy.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
I'm not surprised you are grumpy @annielou. That should be a job that your sister should do, can't you just ask her to speak to the Solicitor and deal with that side of it - you have enough to deal with on a daily basis. It may be that she doesn't want to tread on your toes perhaps? Either way I would just ask. It is something that is really important, as I'm sure you appreciate.

All the best, Stay strong.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Yes, she probably doesn’t want to step on my toes @Pete1 x She does usually ask before she rings anyone shall I ring so and so today even when we’d agreed before that she would do.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,926
South coast
A few times she has read about it in leaflet we got and she would agree they’re a good idea but said she’s not having one. I’ve tried talking to her about it quite a few times in the months since diagnosed but it’s always been the same thing.
Im afraid that this is exactly what happened with my mum. Eventually I had to go for deputyship
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,926
South coast
I would try and get POA if you possibly can, though. Really try and push for it as soon as possible while there is still a chance. I always wished that I had managed to get POA as deputyship is much more complicated and expensive, even once youve managed to get it.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Thanks @canary x we’ll try. Sis messaged me today and said she’d contact solicitors and ask how and when we could try do it. So we’ll see if mum agrees to it and if on day thinks I’m me 🤞
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
You are allowed to be grumpy, you are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be angry, you are also allowed that laugh, smile, happiness and time for yourself and/or hubby. You are doing so incredibly well in such a challenging situation. Just sending you 🤗
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Mum rang about 5 to 1 last night in floods of tears. She was just crying at first and I couldn't make anything out in the sobbing, but then she said she was upset because W(my dad) and her mum had died and she was all on her own. I told her she had me and she said she never sees me. I told her she'd been at my house today but she thought she'd been at 'friend's house. She was saying she was all on her own. She said she'd got up cos she'd not been able to sleep cos she was all on her own. She'd forgot she'd been to ours that day and that I saw her everyday she thought my dad had just died and her mum had died too and she was alone. I told her it was long time ago but I know it's still sad but it's not just happened. I told again her she had me and I see her everyday, which mum said she didn't know so I told her she'd been with me that day and what we'd had for dinner and watched and she said Yes we did. She said she was sorry but she thought I'd stopped seeing her I told her I'd not stop seeing her, she's my mum and I love her. She said she loved me too and she was sorry for waking me up. I told her I'd be going over in the morning and she said ok. I asked her if she would be ok and she said Yes she'd go back to bed. I told her I love her and I'll see in morning and she said Ok love thank you and we said night. She still sounded like she was crying but not as full on she'd been in absolute floods when first answered phone.
Poor mum she sounded heartbroken. She'd not mentioned being up late or not being able to sleep cos she was thinking the last couple of days so I was hoping she'd been sleeping ok now but seems not last night. This increased does of sertraline seems to push the worst of her sundowning upset and confusion on to nighttime when she should be sleeping. Memory clinic is ringing again on Tuesday afternoon so I'll tell her about last night and other few nights, don't know what they can do about it though.
I didn't know what to do last night, whether to get up and go through to mums or not. I was worried she'd sit up still crying after we'd hung up, but if I went through she would be waiting up for me to get there and then that may carry it on longer and what happens when I have to leave again. She didn't ask me to go over so I stayed home and cried and worried and hoped mum had gone to bed and slept ok after we hung up and eventually went to sleep myself.
Bloody dementia, just giver her a break let her brain have a rest from trying to figure out whats happening and where people are.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
😢 That is so sad , I don’t know what the right response is, you seemed to have dealt with it well , don’t think going over would help as yes you can comfort but then you would need to come home and she will have to settle herself down . It’s so very difficult , I don’t know wether the increased sertraline is pushing back the sundowning or wether this is part of the disease, who knows ?? Be interesting to hear what the clinic say . We are seeing a decline in Mum , the lockdown certainly isn’t helping but it’s part and parcel of this hideous disease , found out last week that a close friend is having tests for it , not a shock as we have noticed symptoms for a while now but sad none the less as we know what lies in store ☹. Sending you lots of hugs and strength 🤗🤗 x