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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,240
Yorkshire
Thanks @Pete1 x I can’t really add internet to mums phone line as in her name and couldn’t really arrange it without her. Wonder if there’s any other way besides using internet in mums house though. I can’t see how but I might try googling it.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
762
Hi @annielou, can't you try and get POA (I can't remember if you have - but I'm assuming not from your response) for Mum? Then you would be able to legally act on her behalf.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,240
Yorkshire
No @Pete1 we've not got lpa unfortunately. Mum said before that they're a good idea but isn't having one. She recently said she wanted me and sis to decide things and deal with things if she couldn't rather than SS so she said she would have one, but we can't apply online as no one to sign or witness that mum agrees and understands. We had thought of going trough solicitor a while ago but due to lockdown not sure if still can and don't know if possible that way and what procedure would be and if they'd think mum knew what she was agreeing to and doing.
Thanks @Sarasa @Woo2 @Bikerbeth xxx Not really been a good day, especially at end, but thanks for asking and hoping it was x Hubby taking us tomorrow and waiting in car park for us. Thank you for fingers crossed x Mine are too X I hope your days have been ok xxxx

Yesterday was a slightly better, but still hard day as although mum was confused all day and from bout half 2 she was talking about going home to ring her brother, or me to see about her mum and sorting house etc she was calmer about it til just before 5. Then mum was adamant that it had just happened recently and she needed go home and I wasn't me. She got up to try leave and was quite upset and we couldn't calm her down so I ended up showing her nannans death certificate and piece she cut out from death notices in local paper at time nannan died to show her that it was long time ago and she had known about it. I kept telling her I wasn't trying upset her just wanted her not to rush off and then be upset at home. She agreed then and stayed for tea and settled for hour or so but before she went home later she was confused about dad and houses lived in etc again but she only rang me once last night and just said she wanted to check we'd got home ok and then said night and see you tomorrow and sounded ok.
Today had been bit calmer too although mum was really confused again. She was quite on edge with me this morning when got there but didn't say why. I did manage to clean bathroom without her getting angry though it was close at times. Most of day I was 'friend' and I wasn't me, she was sure I wasn't me and was quite annoyed early afternoon as she thought I was texting our Andrea on my phone and just couldn't get her head round fact I was me. I went back to being me just before dinner and think I stayed me.
She rang not long after I got in to ask if her mum had been today she said she was confused cos she thought she was dead. Said she was thinking I'd been but for minute thought her mum had but that wasn't right was it and couldn't stop thinking bout it so rang to ask. Then she asked if friend had been, which she had thought she had been when I was there. She went off ok after couple of minutes.
My sister text me bout 1/4 to 9 to say mum might ring as she had just rung her. Mum rang me just as sis texted. Mum was really upset, she had been asking sis if dad was really dead and asking questions about it. Sis had talked to her bout him and her mum and then she'd tried to talk to her bout other things to distract her but it hadn't worked.
Mum was sobbing when she rang me and asking same things she'd asked sis, she told me she'd been talking to sis. Mum was upset and said she was all alone, her mum was gone and so was my dad and she was sitting on her own thinking whats the point. She said she knew I went a lot but it felt inside like she was on own and had no one . She was confused bout houses, dates of dad and her mum dying and was so upset. I tried reassure her she had me and hubby and sis and I'd be there tomorrow. She said she knew she did but it felt like she was on own. Maybe cos there was nothing on tele tonight she had started thinking about W(my dad) and then that he was gone and her mum was too and she felt like had nobody. She said she was sorry for ringing and would go but I didn't like her going off upset. I tried talking to her bit longer but she was still upset and asking things she was confused about like dad and woman he'd lived with and mum said she was annoyed cos he'd found someone else and she hadn't even though woman dad was with wasn't nice. She was bit confused when mum died and a bit about her house and then asked about dads mum and dad and his sister being dead too.
She was upset she was on her own and was upset cos she was confused and couldn't remember things had happened. I told her that her brain gets tired as day goes on and it confuses her. She said she'd been having a quite nice day today and then tonight started thinking bout dad and wondering where he was and got upset cos now on her own and feels lost. I tried to answer her without upsetting her further and kept telling her she had us and I would be there tomorrow, but I really didn't know what to say to make her feel better. She stopped crying before she hung up but sounded like she was just holding it back. I feel so bad for her.
I feel like I should have gone over to be with her, but sometimes when I'm there I confuse things more if she doesn't know who I am and I am scared if I go she won't ever want me to leave and I don't want to go back to staying there. I feel so guilty about that like I'm putting myself first when she's so upset.
I've spent most of the evening texting my sister about why mum rang and how she's been lately. Also talking about contacting memory team tomorrow as I didn't get chance today and sis wasn't sure I'd wanted to yesterday. Talking a bit about asking care agency if could do another afternoon but not sure if will have staff at mo. Talked bit bout LPA and deputyship though neither of us are sure how do it. We also talked about looking at places for respite and I told sis that I think mum needs 24hr support now and much as none of us wants it and SS won't provide it anyway, I admitted I think she needs one and sis agreed. I feel so bad for saying it and so guilty and also like it doesn't matter anyway what sis and I think as we not ones who decide.
We did lost of texting and agreed we need to try fix as much as we can but there's lots of things to try work out, some that we can't see much way round especially during lockdown, like LPA and more care, but we know we need to try.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,916
South East
I’m so sorry it’s been a hard day for you , sounds like you are feeling emotionally battered and bruised . 🤗 🤗🤗🤗 I do understand you feeling bad for not wanting to stay there , but it isn’t wrong to want a little peace and be with hubby , It sounds like you both know what you think needs to happen now and I hope you can get as much of those things done.

glad Mr Annielou is taking you today and hope it’s quick and smooth going.🤞🤗 X
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,366
Good luck today @annielou.
I hope you can get in touch with Social Services and get them to understand the need for some urgent respite. Things really can't carry on as they are much longer.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
308
I thought @canary hit it on the head when they said that your mum isn't expecting you to look like you as she thinks she's much younger, so actually speaking with her on the phone may be the best you can do when she's agitated in the evenings. So sorry she was in such a state yesterday, it's so sad.
I also wanted to let you now that I took some inspiration from you and sent Dad's care home a few colouring books and pencils, and a sharpener in case they didn't have one, to help keep the residents amused. There's some lovely dementia friendly ones online. I sent a bird one hoping Dad might take to it as he sounded bored the other week, but he'll probably refuse to join in (unless they tell him he's not allowed to colour, then he'll probably be all over it!)
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,916
South East
Thank you @Woo2 x
Hows things with you and your mum? Has she tried to wander anymore after other day? Hope you’re doing okay x
Hmm she hasn’t tried to wander , had a good clean everywhere yesterday , then after lunch go in bathroom after mum , wee on toilet , down it , floor and in the ..... bath 😏.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,566
South coast
She said she'd been having a quite nice day today and then tonight started thinking bout dad and wondering where he was and got upset cos now on her own and feels lost. I tried to answer her without upsetting her further and kept telling her she had us and I would be there tomorrow, but I really didn't know what to say to make her feel better.
I remember this stage with mum. She was in her care home by then and she was upset because "no-one from the family came to visit her and she was all on her own". I tried saying, but youve got me mum and your grandchildren visit too, but it didnt help. The trouble was that she had gone back in time and thought she had just moved there from her childhood home where, as the youngest of eight, the house was filled with parents, siblings, cousins and friends (all of whom were long dead). Although she knew who I was and her face lit up every time she saw me, I wasnt in any of these old memories, so somehow I didnt count.

Your mum seems to be grieving all over again each time she realises that her parents are dead. I wonder if soon it will be time to use "love lies" and not say that they have died?
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,240
Yorkshire
Thanks @Sarasa @imthedaughter xx
Yes I think so too that mum thinks I'm too old to be me lot of time so think if was there at night might confuse her .
That was a nice thing to do sending books to dad's home, I hope he does join in 🤞 Mum loves hers.
I've noticed this last week she has been making few more mistakes and getting bit annoyed bout them though. I tell her it doesn't matter if colours bit odd, or mixed them, or gone over lines, its about enjoying colouring, nobody's marking them, mine aren't perfect and keep telling her how good they are. She is still enjoying them so I'm still buying her them and myself as I'm enjoying doing it too .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,240
Yorkshire
Oh dear @Woo2 She does seem to struggle with going to toilet bless her. Not nice for you having to keep finding and cleaning it up. Wonder if she's unsure which place to sit and moves mid wee from loo to bath? Not sure what you can do about that 😞 Good news bout the no more wandering attempts though, hope that continues 🤞
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,240
Yorkshire
That does sound similar @canary mum says every day something about her family not visiting, her kids, her brothers. Mum really doesn't seem to want to live on her own now and seems amazed by the thought she has done so for years. I don't think she thinks she can cope on her own and she wants someone to look after her, like her husband or her mum or failing that her kids.
I hate keep going over her mum and my dad being dead , she brings it up all the time and usually says my mums dead isn't she or W's dead isn't he, previously she was ok when we said it was long time ago. She used to say oh yes and seemed settled like she realised she'd done her grieving and managed to get past it, but now she won't stop going on about it as it doesn't make sense that it was long time ago. Its hard to think of lies to tell her as she starts with knowing they're dead but doesn't believe the time frame so then moves on to wanting to go get her stuff from their houses and needing ring someone to sort it and then you can't distract her to just let it go or put her off. I've tried agreeing they're dead but not saying when and when mum starts going on about needing get stuff out of house I've tried saying it's sorted but not saying years ago and I've tried saying we're going tomorrow but she won't fall for it and then gets very angry we've lied to her.
At times like last night when she's upset people have died and it means she's on her own I'm not sure how I could avoid her knowing they're dead as she already does. My mum can come up with way out confabulations that make no sense and not remember what I told her two minutes before but tell her a fib about when her mum and my dad died and she seems to sniff it out and won't fall for it. I need to find a better way round it but I can't think how.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,566
South coast
I used to be very neutral with mum and if she remembered that they had died I would just say yes, its sad, isnt it?
I wonder if your mum is picking up on your body language when you tell her a love lie, like saying you will take her tomorrow? Mum was really good at picking up body language (I got better with practise). Maybe just keep saying Its sorted, mum and not offer any other explanations? Probably clutching at straws. It does become easier once they have forgotten that they have died and you can use love lies easier. This in-between stage when sometimes they know and sometimes they dont is complicated.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,916
South East
How on earth did she manage that? Is she an acrobat?
She is a large lady so I can’t see she has managed to get in the bath , must of had it in her hands I’m thinking but maybe she did stand in there , we bought a higher toilet a few months ago as to help her not have too far to lower and raise herself .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,916
South East
I used to be very neutral with mum and if she remembered that they had died I would just say yes, its sad, isnt it?
I wonder if your mum is picking up on your body language when you tell her a love lie, like saying you will take her tomorrow? Mum was really good at picking up body language (I got better with practise). Maybe just keep saying Its sorted, mum and not offer any other explanations? Probably clutching at straws. It does become easier once they have forgotten that they have died and you can use love lies easier. This in-between stage when sometimes they know and sometimes they dont is complicated.
I too have to be very blasé and relaxed when I say something to mum as she will be eat hi g me like a hawk , I am very non commital when I tell a lie ( yes mum I will take you and get your cataracts done next week as soon as they are open again ) Then I follow up with cake , biscuits , ice cream etc and it’s done . She blew up on Sat saying to hubby that I won’t take her to opticians , he said he would take her, all forgotten now until the next time it comes in to her mind . I did have the same thing with a good friend , her dad was constantly asking where his long dead mum was and his brother , from what he said he was back in his national service days , he was extremely agitated about being AWOL so I produced a bit of paper(Old shopping list ) and said he had permission to be absent and his mum was off shopping and his brother was working , he would ask me several times in an hour and when I told them they had all died , as soon as I lied that they were fine he stopped asking , she was cross with me for lying to him but was upset herself by the constant questioning , when he kept asking where Mum was she presumed it was her mum (his wife) and she would cry that he didn’t remember, once she understood it was her nan she was happier , but she still never really agreed with my love lies even though he was calm and settled after . It’s very difficult and such a personal decision , I’m waffling here but if you decide to try love lies you have almost got to believe it yourself and act your heart out , remain calm , say as little as possible and then distract with cake , biscuit etc . 🤗 X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,240
Yorkshire
I do try love lies and very little information and neutral answers and mmming and sometimes not even saying anything. . During first part of day it does work a bit but by afternoon It stops working much and by evening not a chance. Smiling and gentle voice work a bit to keep her calm but as day wears on it doesnt have as much effect either and I do find that harder as day goes on and mum gets more emotional so do I. I am a very emotional person and although I used to love drama when did it one year at school I’m really not very good at it