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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Lol @Woo2 and @Bikerbeth I'll try not to be a negative nelly and will try my best to sit out from time to time. :)
The stew was nowhere near as good as would have been with dumplings, I love a dumpling or three. Not having any was a criminal offence for definate.
Mum seemed fine this morning with no mention of being upset yesterday, hopefully that means she wasn't. She has usually forgotten by morning anyway, but I'm hoping and choosing to believe that no calls last night meant she was ok.
Mum said today that carer seemed a bit quieter thank normal yesterday and not as jokey as usual. She said they still had a good chat and nice time though and people aren't jokey all the time. Mum said carer is lovely and they always have nice chat which is good and reassuring for me to hear she is comfortable with having carer there. I wondered if reason they weren't as jokey yesterday could be that mum was confused and asking about her mum or my dad dying, like she has so much recently. I think it may have been that as when I read carers report from yesterday carer had wrote in report they had been talking about her mum a lot yesterday and as day went on mum was confused if she was still living or not so carer reminded her she'd died when she was 50 and mum agreed. So looks like mum spent a lot of afternoon talking and asking about her mum again.
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Mum called around 9ish just as I was posting my last. She told me she'd just been on phone with her brother. She said she'd not seen him for a while so she'd been chatting with him, they'd been talking about my sister and me and sisters youngest waiting to go back to uni. She said he's ok and still with C (wife) and my mums dead. I said Yes she is it was a long time ago. Mum said and W (my dad) is dead too. I agreed with her again and she said I'm not bothered about him but I'll miss my mum. I was going to go tomorrow too, but (brother) said not to cos it was a few years ago.
I asked her if that was why she'd rung him to ask about her mum and mum said it was. She said Yes she had been wondering if she was and didn't know who to ask and then she thought of brother so rang him. She said they'd been on about 1/2 an hour and it was nice to chat with him. She said she had told him about sis having new boyfriend and her youngest waiting go to uni and he asked about me and she said I was lovely and still with hubby. Mum said I told him I might see you tomorrow, will I? I said Yes I'll be coming in morning. Mum said Oh good thats lovely I'm back now. I think maybe she thinks she just moved back in her bungalow after being with dad again or something because she said same the other day. She went over what they'd said again and asked again if would see me tomorrow and when I said I'd go in morning, Mum asked if she was coming to me or if I'd go to her so I said I'll come to you. She asked if I was ok and if hubby was. I said we were and mum said good and she loved me.So it looks like mum has been confused again tonight but rang her brother rather than me to start with. She didn't seem like she remembered I'd been today either.
She had been looking forward to watching The repair shop tonight but she'd missed it with worrying and then ringing brother which is a shame as it's a programme she enjoys. Before she hung up I reminded her about another programme that she likes to watch casualty 24/7 in the hope she'd watch that and not sit thinking for rest of evening.
I do wish her brain would let her relax and not have her feeling confused and unsettled. She has asked if her mum is dead for months, but before when I said it was a long time ago it mainly seemed to reassure her and she was ok with it, but more and more lately she can't believe that it was and asks so much more and gets upset about it more too. She has asked me quite a few times during the day today about her mum and my dad and said, as she has been doing a lot lately, that she's not got anyone now, or she's on her own, or she's got no one to look after her. I think that's what she's worrying about and that's so sad.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,554
Bedford
So sorry to hear that your Mum is getting upset about her Mum and it is indeed sad that she is worrying about no one being there to look after her. That is tough on you too when you are spending so much time looking after her.
you are absolutely right, it is cruel that their brains never let them relax as the PWD seems to be endlessly seeking someone or something.
Hugs to you tonight
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,652
South East
Shame you didn’t enjoy your stew as much as normal , just think of the saved calories though 😂 . The loops our PWD get in seem so painful and it’s wicked that they are put through that heartache again and again . It’s great mum gets on so well with carer , makes it a little easier for you to know she is being taken good care of and Is relaxed. Hope you can get your patio ready and really enjoy it .
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
410
Hi Annielou,
I'm just catching up with some threads after being off the site for a while. I'm pleased that you have managed to get your mum a carer that she gets along with so you can have some time for yourself.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth @Woo2 @anxious annie xxx
Yesterday got me down, don't know why it was no worse than other days but I felt on edge of tears most of afternoon, maybe tired or hormones.
When I got to mums yesterday morning I noticed she had some paper with what looked like numbers on it. I went to wash my hands and put some bits away I'd took over and then asked what she was doing. Mum said she was trying to work out her age. On the paper she had wrote down born 1947 I was 1 in 1948 then underneath she'd wrote about 5 years under each other with age at side then done same at side of it a couple of times, then done same again for a few more rows over a couple of pages. it was hard to follow as sometimes she'd gone down 4 rows and 3 columns across and other 5 rows or 4 columns across.
Mum had come up with 71 but didn't know if that was right. I said she was 73 she said how do you know? I said cos I know what year you were born and how old you are. She said But how can you add it up and work it out. I added it up for her using this year and her birth year and she said How come you can do that maths? She sounded quite surprised I knew how to add up, either she thought I was bit thick or she thought if she didn't know then I wouldn't, either way I didn't say anything. She showed me her papers and asked me check it. She'd got it right up her 60s but then she'd squashed for columns of years on 4 rows but not put age against final column so she had missed 4 years of ages off and when I read next lot of rows she had gone up to 2022 so had lost 4 years and gained 2 making her 71 on paper. I told mum what she'd done and she had me alter paper to show her what it should be and then she believed me.
I'd noticed when I'd been in kitchen when I arrived it looked like she'd been rifling through the letter rack since I went home on wednesday, it was probably in evening when she was unsettled wondering if her mum was alive or not. When I went in bin later I saw some torn up envelopes and bits that had been in letter rack. I don't really leave anything at mums of any importance so it doesn't matter what she's thrown away luckily.
Mum said she'd been looking at photos yesterday, probably again looking for things when worrying about her mum, so we got her photo box out and looked at them yesterday morning. We spent about an hour looking and chatting which was nice, mum did mix photos of me and my sister as a baby up a few times and sometimes told me this is Our Andrea as if I didn't know. There were a couple of photo of me on hubbys knee when we were young on one you could only see a bit of one side of me and my head was cut off as I'd been laughing and almost falling off. Mum said it was her, I said it was me, but mum thought it was her because I had a navy cardi on with a white trim in photo and mum has one like that now. She didn't know why she was sat on my hubbys knee but was sure it was her rather than me. I showed her other photo of us where you could see all of me sat on his knee but she still wasn't sure bless her.
After lunch mum decided to put washer on and I was in kitchen as I'd just washed up so stayed and chatted to her. She asked if she'd put soap in and I said no so she got liquitab out popped it in but didn't get fabric conditioner so I said aren't you putting fabric conditioner in mum. She said Oh I do it at end. I thought she meant end of putting items in. She finished filling washer and turned dial and was about to press start so I said You've not put conditioner in yet mum. Well she wasn't happy with that she spun round looked at me like I was poo on her shoe and said I don't put it in till end. I said you need to put it in before you turn washer on. That started mum off on rant of how you don't put it in at start you put it in before final rinse, she always has done, it doesn't use conditioner till end and if you put it in at beginning it goes in with washing part and there's none left to make clothes soft at end. I said you can't open drawer when washer is on mum you have to put it in before you start it. She was adamant you could but did put some in before starting washer with a very shouty and flouncy THERE ITS IN NOW!!!!!
We went back in to room and had a good ten minutes of mum going on about she didn't need me to tell her how to wash she'd been washing 40 odd year and knew more about it than me. She didn't need me coming into her house telling her how to use her bloody washer and do her bloody washing. She kept going on about you don't put it in till end and what did I know anyway. I said quite a few times Ok mum it's on now so it doesn't matter or its done now lets leave it but mum was still going. I tried to say I was just reminding her not telling her what to do. She carried on arguing mainly with herself as I didn't say much but then said WHY can't I do that why do YOU think its WRONG! I said you can't open drawer when washer is on mum cos water feeds in through drawer and it would spray out so you put it in at beginning. She said I DO! So what have you got to say about that! I said I don't think you do mum cos how would you know when it was before final rinse to get up and go put it in drawer. She said you don't need to open drawer it knows when to put it in it sits there till its time. Which was right, that's how it works but while she was arguing that she was still arguing that she didn't put it in at beginning. I said its done now mum lets not argue bout it, I didn't mean to tell you what to do. She said WELL BLOODY DON'T THEN and then sat quiet for few minutes before trying to start again telling me she knew better than me how to wash but I just said Ok and we went back to sitting in silence for while.
After a bit I tried mentioning bits to do with what happening on tv to get her chatting and eventually it worked, but I really didn't want to, I just wanted to get my bag and go. After about half an hour I made us a cup of tea and mums washer finished so she emptied it. There must have been a tissue she missed cos it went everywhere in kitchen so we shook everything and then while mum put them on line I said I'll get hoover mum cos we'll never pick all these bits up. I took opportunity while mum was in yard to hoover kitchen, hall and living room and told mum thought I might as well while hoover was out. We had our cup of tea while we waited for carer to arrive.
Carer came and before I left she mentioned they'd cleaned last week and I said thanks. During chat about it mum said she used to be always cleaning but not now, she said I think it now W (my dad) isn't here. Carer said was she when mum said she always used to be cleaning and I said Yes and I struggle now cos I'll want to clean but mum doesn't and it often ends up in arguments and mum shouting at me. I don't like saying things like that in front of mum but she didn't seem bothered. She was telling carer about how my dad liked things just so and was really fussy bout his clothes. Carer asked bout mums ironing and few other things and said what they'd done last week, she said did you tell your Andrea what I found on top cupboard in bathroom. Mum hadn't, She said loads of dust. I said I'm not surprised. I was bit embarassed😳😞 though as I feel I should have done that. I do dust up there when i do bathroom if I'm not interrupted by mum telling me that's enough, or kicking off I'm cleaning. Mum often does bathroom herself when we do clean and I try catch bits she misses and do them after but I must have forgot top of cupboard last couple of times. I told her while chatting I'd hoovered quickly today but that was all managed.
Before I left carer mentioned not coming next tuesday cos mums at hospital. I said oh yes its her eye tests. Mums said What?Where am I going? I said it's your eye appointment next week. She said I'm not going!. (usually says that) I said You've been saying all week how you need go and fed up waiting. She said Well I changed my mind I said Ok we'll sort it later, She said When is it? I said Tuesday 2nd June. She said it 5th. It says 5th on letter and was pointing to table. I said We didn't get letter mum I did it on phone its on 2nd. Mum said ITS NOT! it's on 5th I know it is. I said Ok then we'l go on 5th then. and smiled. Carer laughed quietly. I said I best get off now then cos hubbys got to get back to work so mum said Ok bye. I said see her tomorrow and she said yes. As I left mum said thanks 'friend' :oops: :rolleyes:
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,652
South East
We had a funny day too yesterday , think the weather is playing havoc too. I had a couple of days like that last weekend , you are right and it’s prob a combination of things, hope you feel a bit brighter soon 🤗 .Dont worry about the dust , you have enough to do, I think carer said it to back you up in front of mum . Dust won’t kill anyone , I have seen seem really seriously dirty houses and the occupants were amazingly healthy . Hope today goes ok for you . Have you got any craft things in the go that you can sit and immerse yourself in ? Or anything else that you particularly enjoy ? Make time for yourself, you are important too. X
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
410
It's really difficult for you both. You're doing all that you can to support your mum because she can't do what's needed, but your mum still believes she can do everything. I found that with my mum too when she was living in her house, and just had to tell myself not to take it personally, it's this horrible illness.
I hope you manage to have a good day today X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @anxious annie x sorry you had funny day too woo2 🤗
I just want to run and hide today. 😭
The weekend is coming tomorrow and I find them more stressful than weekdays and the four days friday to monday between carer visits always seem a long time. Its extra long this week as no visit Tuesday cos of mums eye appointment so its a week till next visit and I know its awful to say but I will really miss that afternoon at home.
Also dreading tuesday as besides usual stress of getting mum to appointment and stress of kepping eye on her at hospital, I’m a bit scared of actually going in hospital at moment and just out with people in general as not been anywhere since lockdown. I’m also very worried that hospital will find with mums eyes as I think there’s going to be bad news.
She should have gone in april but we had to cancel. She has been having black patches in her better eye since march and I hoped might be the vitreous fluid breaking up and get better, but its been a few months now and she still has them so I’m thinking it could be her macular hole getting bigger which I’m dreading. Fingers crossed 🤞its not bad news.
Mum was colouring and moaning at tele while I’ve been typing but she’s just stopped as said getting headache and rubbing her eye so I’ll stop whittling on here now.
I’m being a nervous nora, worrying wendy and negative nelly today 🙁🥺🙄
Hope todays a better day and a good day for everybody 🤞😘
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,652
South East
Natural to be concerned about going to the hospital and what they might say, think we would all feel that too. You shouldn’t feel mean saying you are going to miss having a few hours off , it’s a well needed break to enable you to continue your very demanding caring role . I had a call from carer at day centre yesterday and she said they are looking to see if they can re open end of July but may just be people that don’t need transport as that’s an area they have to sort due to close proximity to each other , I was happy and said mum will be back as soon as they open ! Not banking on that timeframe.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x I hope that they do open day centre in July and you can take your mum 🤞 Not heard anything about mums reopening yet, mum goes on bus so probably wouldn't go back for a bit anyway if same sort of thing which I imagine would be. I'm not sure if she will go back anyway but will see when time comes. I hope she does.🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,652
South East
I hope they both go back and we manage to get some free time , will feel strange after all this time, won’t know what to do with ourselves . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,554
Bedford
Sorry to hear that you and your Mum have had some trying days. I remember having a similar conversation with mum about how old she was and she too struggled to calculate even when Mum was born 1929 and this was last year 2019.

So easy to say but try not to get stressed about things like conditioner in the washing machine. Mum never used conditioner and she has made 90 :) Of course if there is a need due to a skin condition or your Mum puts it in at the very end and it does not get washed out then I understand your concern. Please don’t be embarrassed about dust on top of a cupboard in the bathroom - the Carer is there to help your Mum (and you) and make life easier not to pass judgement on your ability to keep you own home going as well as your Mum’s in so many different ways. She sounds like a lovely Carer and so will totally understand that you are not superwoman.

I know 3 people who have had to go to hospital in the last few weeks and all have been impressed how well the hospitals have been organised to ensure social distancing etc. One was a carer for their mother and they did have to be a little insistent on accompanying them for their treatment but once the nurse understood why they were fine. I remember you said previously you dont like hospitals so I hope this helps a little as far as Covid 19 measures go.

@Woo2 I hope they find a way of running day care again and then perhaps you and the dog can have some lovely walks again and whatever else floats your boats,

I hope you both having a smashing Saturday as in a nice Saturday rather than a throwing plates around Saturday
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,652
South East
The dog will be very happy to get back to her long rambles I’m sure , yes we will soon get used to it, has that come across a bit mean ? I hope they can both go back for their benefit as well as ours , I also hope you can get back to normal visits to your mum soon and all the other lovely people getting back to seeing their loved ones 🤞 X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Oh poor mum she rang about 20 past 10 all confused asking if she's in right place and not knowing where she should be as she thinks she's in wrong house cos she's sure she's been staying somewhere else. She thinks my dads been staying there before, or she's been staying at someone elses house, or she's been back living with my dad at our old house, or been at her mums. She had lots of different thoughts about where she'd been as we talked, but all of them meant she was sure she hadn't been there.
She said she thought either my dad or her brother was there when she came back in house other day so asked where they both were. I think that is from earlier this week when she rang to tell me she'd come in from watering plants and had thought seen my dad sat on sofa but then he'd dissapeared. We'd put it down to her mixing up me and hubby being there at dinnertime earlier on so I reminded her of that tonight. She didn't sound convinced and said she was sure he'd been there and had lived there before too.
She said she doesn't know what she did with our Andrea when she went there. She'd forgotten it was me on phone and so I had explain who I was and that she'd rung me and that I was married almost 28 years ago and so had moved out long before she moved to bungalow. She couldn't believe she'd lived on her own so long, was sure she'd lived with her mum, or my dad, or me.
She asked why she moved there and where my dad lived and why he'd died. She wasn't sure if it was her house, the one that was written in her address book. I told her it was and she wanted to know how I knew where she was so I told her that I'd been there today so knew she was in right house. Then she wanted to know when we'd been and didn't remember it but when I said what I'd made for dinner she remembered that. Oddly if I tell her what I made for dinner she usually remembers that. Tonight she said it was lovely but she'd had diarrohea afterwards. I asked if it had settled down now and she said yes so fingers crossed it was just a one off and not going to repeat it and suffer with it overnight 🤞She's enough on at moment with her brain playing tricks on her.
I tried my best to reassure her and answer her questions while we were on phone, but she sounded so confused and wasn't really retaining anything I said for long and would ask same things again a few minutes later. I told her she was in right place and safe and it was okay to be there and she said ok. She asked a few more times if I was sure and if was ok there and then said she'd see me tomorrow and I said I would and then she said night, I told her love her lots and she hung up. I hope she settles and gets some sleep 🤞
Her brain must be exhausted today as she's been asking me on and off during day about how long she's lived there and why she lived there and if her mum and my dad are dead, then asking same things again after I answer. All the usual loop questions about things that she can't remember and don't make sense to her.
I've been 'friend' from about half hour after I arrived this morning until just before 5 when she started calling me Andie again and asked who else had been there and if 'friend' had been earlier. She was asking me who I'm married to, how long I'd been married and if I was with anyone else before hubby till he came just before 6. Then when hubby came she was asked him how long we been together and how long she lived there and if her mum and my dad are dead too. She also asked him if she could come to our house tomorrow because she'd asked me earlier and when I said yes she'd asked me if hubby would mind, I said no but she asked him when he came so he said yes too. She must have told me half a dozen times before we left that Hubby says I can come to your house tomorrow.
Her memory is shocking now she can't retain information for a few minutes. I answer her or she does something and it goes in a few minutes and she does/says same thing. We were watching programme while we had dinner tonight and in between eating and telling me hubby had said she could come to my house tomorrow she kept asking same question about programme Were they all brothers and Who is it for. It was literally every few minutes she asked one of those two questions.
As we left tonight I told hubby mum has been asking more or less all day about nannan and dad and house so I bet her brains shattered and I don't know if she'll settle tonight. I thought and hoped that she had been settled tonight as we'd not had a call and then my mobile rang about 25 past 10. By the sound of it she had been settled for a while confusing her again as she said on phone that she'd watched vera and then started wondering if she should be there or if she should be back somewhere else. 😞 Please let her have been ok when she got off phone and be settled for rest of night now 🤞
 
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DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
736
Lytham St Annes
I really feel for you all, it appears to me that your Mum’s illness has deteriorated and I really do fear how much longer you are realistically going to be able to cope.

You are coping and it’s taking a toll on you and your husband, please get some help, before a crisis happens.

I have said before as have a few others I really do think you need to make it known to social services how much she has deteriorated and that you are struggling to cope......I do think now is the time for respite for a good few weeks so that she can be fully assessed.

I doubt very much they would agree she can manage at home....you are facilitating her managing by the wonderful care you provide.....but I feel she is at the stage when it’s not safe for her to be alone....I understand that’s hard to accept I really do.

A Care home maybe absolutely the best place for her now, she will be safe and have company too.

I know you mentioned your sister trying to visit to give you a break....but it really wouldn’t give you a break because your sister would be staying with you and sharing the days update with you.....no break from that.

Now that your Mum’s illness has progressed, the care you continue to provide will not be enough, and even when your at home you must be thinking of her and likely on edge waiting for the phone.

Social services need to be updated of her illness and the effect it’s having on her, I maybe wrong but as far as I recall the sundowning is getting much worse and has been for last month or so, she is struggling to settle with TV and her colouring etc, and seems to be confused much more, of late.

I understand it’s hard to face and accept that the care you have happily provided so well....maybe not enough now to allow mum to stay at home, but her illness has changed that and that means she needs more than can be provided at home, even by you who really is a wonderful daughter and carer.....it’s very hard to accept I know that.

I don’t post much but I read your post everyday and you and your Mum are in my thoughts a lot, I hope I haven’t offended you with being so direct....
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,637
Yorkshire
Thanks for your post and support @DianeW I'm not offended at all. X
I fear I'm not giving mum enough support and care too, I feel like we are almost back to where we were when I ended up staying with her overnight for months, which wasn't enough either.
When mum started on sertraline it really helped and I was able to come back home, she started day centre and having carer 2 afternoons a week, she wasn't as upset or agitated. Things were still hard but not as hard, although I was still struggling it was easier, but now I feel like we are getting back to that stage of needing someone with her constantly.
You are right in that even when I am at home I am constantly thinking and worrying about mum and on edge. I carry phones from room to room with me and sleep with it next to bed. Some nights, like tonight when she rang after ten I'm scared to go to bed for a while in case I have to get up cos she rings again.
I feel that SS won't be interested though, they came out to see mum twice and the situation then was mum wouldn't be left alone and needed constant reassurance but they weren't offering anything more than quick care visits to prompt getting ready, taking medication and eating. I think that they'll say the same now. We don't use SS care package that was offered as it really wasn't great and so we arranged our own carers paid for by mums Aa for the 2 afternoons a week so I get a longer break when someone is with mum. Unfortunately now she is getting unsettled more on a night when she's on her own and I feel like she'll need someone to be with her which is me.
I do think if we weren't in lockdown with this virus I would be seriously thinking and talking with my sister about whether we should see if mum would go for respite, but at the moment I am scared about it and wouldn't want her to go somewhere new while I can't visit.