• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,237
South East
I’m so sorry @annielou , sending you extra hugs 🤗 🤗 🤗 What a day for all three of you . Did you say mum was upped to 100mg of sertraline ? I Think you might be wise to call Mht team and Gp just to update them and see if there is anything they can suggest, due to lockdown they may have some different ideas . The lady from our care co told me that they will bend over backwards to help me so I continue to care for mum Hopefully they will have the same attitude for you . Wish you all a better day , you handle the constant barrage of questions and upset so well and having a big cry helps to let all that emotion out . Be kind and gentle with you too.🤗🤗🤗🤗 Xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,411
Yorkshire
Thanks for your replies @TNJJ @Grannie G @Pete1 @Woo2 @Bikerbeth xxxx
I'm not sure if being at mine increases confusion, she still asks very similar questions when we are at her house, apart from saying can't remember where she lives and saying wants to go home. When she's at home she will sometimes ask address and ask questions about house to work out which it is, like is it terrace or bungalow and does it have shed or upstairs. She still asks all the same things about her mums house and house her and dad supposedly lived in when got back together and she still wants to go check if somebody got her furniture etc just the same.
We never thought about having carers on a weekend as mum has always spent day with us on saturday and sunday, we used to go out for few hours and back to ours a lot and if sis visits its usually on a weekend so we didn't want mum to miss out on that by having to be home for carers. As we were only have carer visits 2 afternoons a week we thought might as well have them in week.
Mum is confused in some way or other most of the time and I constantly switch between me and 'friend' and sometimes other people and once I leave, whether physically or just cos she thinks I'm someone else, she forgets I've been to see her and thinks I don't go and don't care. I spend a lot of my visits listening to her talking about me not visiting. If its just a quick comment and she's not upset or angry I let it go. Sometimes I will look at her smile and say I'm here, which quite often makes her smile and say oh are you our Andrea? Oh lovely or something similar and she relaxes till next time, other times she completely ignore what I say and carries on regardless. Sometimes she gets upset and annoyed and angry about it and I try to reassure her I've been or I'm there. I'm never sure what best way to react and handle it are, what works one time doesn't the next and some days I find it wears me down quicker than others and I get upset or frustrated a bit which doesn't help mum and leaves me kicking myself.
I worry because in some ways, especially after days like yesterday, I feel we're almost back to how we were before I ended up staying with her last october, with me there most of day, apart from carer afternoons, and mum ringing most nights mixed up and upset. I feel on edge a lot of the time wondering when she's going to next get upset or agitated and if I'm going to need to go over when I'm not there. I don't want to stay again, I feel absolutely horrible for saying that but I don't think I could do it again. But SS don't provide night time care and weren't interested in fact I felt like mum needed someone with her all the time because they didn't think she did.
So I'll hope for a better day today, hope for a huge dollop of patience and an even huger dollop of quick thinking as sometimes I realise said or done wrong thing moments after I do it but am not quick enough to be inventive and say/do something else.
Thanks for all your replies, and hope you all have good days as nobody on here has it easy, even though they don't write war and peace type posts about it like me:rolleyes:. Big Hugs to all 🤗 🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,237
South East
Please don’t berate yourself , you are human and we all could wish we had said/done /acted differently in the heat of moment , I do think you are doing brilliantly how you handle it pretty much day in day out, I couldn’t do it for sure .you deserve a huge 🏅🤗 hope today is better for you , be thinking of you . X
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,490
Sorry it's been a bit of a rubbish weekend @annielou, but I agree I think you really need to get social service on board and get a care home sorted out. It seems to have got to the stage that whatever you do to support your mum isn't working. She needs constant care, and that isn't something that one person can provide.
I know that's not what you want, and it may not be what Social services would offer at least at first. However I remember that they were amenable to the idea of your mum having some respite. Now is the time to take them up on that.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,411
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa xx Yes mum had 4 weeks on SS report. Something to think about trying to use, though I'm not too sure of using it at moment and not sure a care home would be fond of accepting her at moment either while virus is still around and still in lockdown, but afterwards it might be good thing to try do.
It's been a better morning and afternoon at mums but not a good evening.
Mum was ok when I got there this morning apart from she couldn't get quilt cover on quilt properly and wanted me to do it. She'd changed her bed and put bedding in wash, it looked like she had dusted and hoovered bedroom which I was impressed by although she had majority of tallboy where keeps her bedding all over floor and got in a muddle putting it back so I helped. She was all hot and bothered and didn't want to do anything else and didn't want me to either, said it didn't need doing.
She was in quite a good mood though she has been mixed up all day and I've switched between me and 'friend'. She has always repeated a lot but now I think does it more and she can't seem to retain anything. I have lost count of the amount of times she asked today My mums dead isn't she? and W's (my dad) dead isn't he, she's been quite calm about it and not disputed it. One of times of asking about her mum she said I haven't got my mums jewellery so I reminded her where it was and she said Oh good cos I bet our - (her older brother) has got rid of everything else. A little while later after after asking about if my dad was dead she said she could kill A (dads brother) she thinks he has her furniture form when lived with dad, so she still had few mixed up thoughts about her furniture today, they were quite early on today and she didn't get upset thankfully. Mixed in with that, today she's also asked at least half a dozen times if she'd had her birthday, apparently because she noticed it was may today.
Not long after lunch she said I've not seen any of my kids, I said I'm here with a smile and she said You are love, that's lovely, but I'm not sure if she realised I was me or thought I was 'friend' but she didn't carry on moaning about kids not coming. About half four she started asking if my man, my boyfriend, or my husband was picking me up, must have asked about half a dozen times in half an hour. Then at 5 she started asking what we were having for dinner and then when I put it on about ten past and said hubby had set off she started asking if she knew hubby, had she met him, how long had we been together, she thought he'd been out with my sister, or someone else first, had she been to wedding, had she been my house, then penny seemed to drop and she said Oh - (hubby) oh yes I know -. When hubby turned up I said do you recognise him and she said Oh yes. Chatted bit to him while waited for dinner, but it was mainly repeating same questions about if working from home and if got his jobs done today.
She seemed ok while we had dinner and watched tv afterwards and we left just before 7 saying see her in morning. She rang 5 minutes after we left, Hello love its me, I just thought I'd ring for a little chat. For a change she didn't ask when I was going to see her and didn't sound hurt or angry, but had no idea we'd just left. She said she thought it was 'friend' and hubby who'd been and then a bit later said thought it was person who cared for her who had been. Was it me and hubby who'd been? I said Yes, Mum said Sorry I didn't realise, I told her it was ok and she said So your our Andrea? I said Yes and Mum said Oh lovely, did you see our Andrea then? I said I am Andrea mum, She said Oh yes you are aren't you so you wont have seen yourself, and have you been here and hubby. Then said she knew hubby had been but thought he was with someone else and asked who she mixed me up with so I told her 'friend'. She said she was sorry and didn't do it on purpose but she didn't always know who we were. I said it was ok and not to worry about it and she said I should tell her who we were, I said We do, you know when there it's just when I leave you forget who it was but it doesn't matter, I joked I was forgettable and mum laughed and said Oh no you're not you're my lovely baby, well you're not a baby but your mine and I love you so I told her I loved her. She said that was nice and she was glad I go cos she loves me lots.
She asked if I'd made dinner,what we'd had, said it was lovely then asked if it's me who goes every day. I said yes. Mum said you only just left didn't you? I agreed and she said sorry love, I didn't know it was you when I rang, I said it's ok, she said thank you and would she see me tomorrow then? I said yes so then she said thanks and we said our nights and love you lots. She hadn't got upset and I'd tried to stay bright and cheery sounding so it wasn't too bad a call.
Mum rang again an hour later Said it's me and then said I don't think W (my dad) is here. I was confused so asked what meant. Mum said she thought she'd seen my dad there when she came in but he wasn't now, then asked is he dead? I said he was and asked where she'd been before she came in. She said she had gone out in garden to water plants and been pulling a few weeds up and when she came in she thought she had seen my dad but he wasn't there now. I don't know if she had seen him or if she had mixed him up with memory of hubby being there earlier because a bit later she asked why had three plates when washed up.
She said she didn't know if she should be living there, asked where she'd been and said she thought she had been somewhere and just come back. Thought she had been in a home or something. She didn't seem to think could have been living there alone and said she'd had nobody looking after her, she hadn't been making any dinners. I told her I made dinners cos I saw her every day . She was confused and a bit more upset than last call and asked again if we'd been and what I'd what made for dinner and asking if dad had lived there, how he'd died. Thought she'd lived there with him, asking if needed find another cheaper house and if she could pay bill. I reassured her rent is paid for her and she had enough money for bills and is fine to live there. She was pleased they wouldn't throw her out. Talked about me going tomorrow and went over dad not being there again etc then said night.
She rang again an hour later at 9 and said I'm back now. She sounded really confused and was telling me she had come back to house today after she'd been staying somewhere else, she thought she'd been in a home or something, didn't know where but she hadn't been sleeping there. Wanted to know if my dad was dead but thought he had been there earlier, so I told her she'd rung earlier and said that and we'd decided she'd mixed him up with hubby, she said Oh right.
She said she thought her house had been empty with no one in it cos it looked like been dusted and like nobody been in and she thought she had been somewhere else and come back to today and watered plants. She said she can't remember anything before watering plants and walking in house. I said try not to worry about it it will come back to you in morning. Then she said she had just walked in and hadn't unlocked a door so I said that's cos you'd been in garden before came in house.
She was confused that she lived there on her own, thought dad lived there, asked if he had and how long he'd been dead and then said she remembered about me and sis paying for funeral, but then asked again if he had been there. She kept asking if she had been there long time and slept there on own and if dad had ever lived there. What had happened to him and woman he lived with. She said she would be better when she got back into it it was cos she thought she hadn't stayed there for long time. She asked if she slept in that bedroom and asked why she had single bed, I said because it was just you and there isn't much room in bedroom for big bed and she said why, has W not been here? so I told her again no he'd never lived there and she asked again what had happened to him and woman he'd lived with.
Then she asked again if she had been there long time and slept there. She was very confused and didn't sound very confident but said Ok and asked if I'd go see her sometime. I said I'd go in morning was that alright and she said yes. thank you and she'd go now so I asked her what she was going to do now. She said I don't know I think I was colouring I like colouring. I thought I'd try to change subject onto that for minute take her mind of worrying bout where lived before we hung up. I told her I did too and I'd been colouring on saturday night for ages after we'd got back from taking her home. She said oh was I at your house on saturday? so it might not have been my best idea as she'd forgot been. She said didn't know and asked if we'd brought her so I said yep hubby and I picked you up and took you home and she said oh right. Then she said I'll be alright when I get used to it here I keep thinking I've not been here, and she started telling me again about thinking she'd been away but didn't know where been and again asked if dad had been there.
Then she said she'd go and asked if see me tomorrow, I told her I'd be there bout half ten and asked is that ok? Mum said yes, then said I have been sleeping here haven't I? I said yeah we changed your bed today, I hoped it might make her feel like she had been there, and she said Oh yeah we did and I washed my bedding, alright then love thank you and we said night and I told her love you lots and she hung up.
She sounded more confused with each call tonight and not at all convinced that she lived on her own and I think she wasn't sure she'd be ok on her own. So another upsetting evening for us both
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,237
South East
I’m sorry you have had a difficult evening :( it sounds more mixed up, you are so patient and kind. Are you considering respite once lockdown eased ? I am going to try and find someone to move in here .... we would like to try and get away for a few days later in the year with our daughters while they still want to come with us as if we wait it could be years and they might have left home by then . Feel bad but also realise I have to consider husband and daughters too . I think you could do with trying to get away with hubby even if just for a night or two. X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,411
Yorkshire
I’m sorry you have had a difficult evening :( it sounds more mixed up, you are so patient and kind. Are you considering respite once lockdown eased ? I am going to try and find someone to move in here .... we would like to try and get away for a few days later in the year with our daughters while they still want to come with us as if we wait it could be years and they might have left home by then . Feel bad but also realise I have to consider husband and daughters too . I think you could do with trying to get away with hubby even if just for a night or two. X
That sounds like a good idea and something you all need and deserve. I hope you get to do it X
I do keep thinking about respite, though not sure if be better or worse as means mum leaving house and might be more confusing. My sister was going to come for a week june/july time and stay at mine so she could visit mum everyday and hubby and I could have some time off and possibly go away.
I wasn't sure if I would have actually stayed away from home but would have had bit more time off. That will probably go out of window now though until after virus slows right down or goes, although sis still says she will come but I'm worried about her and mum in case either has virus or is a carrier and gives it to other. I worry about me and hubby passing it on but she has to have someone there. Sis has bit more exposure than me as her partner is still working in a care home for young adults, she does shopping and her son is working at supermarket picking home deliveries, which she usually takes and fetches him from so she also probably couldn't come on days he's working now unless partner is off shift and can do it.
Sis has chrohns disease and so her immune system isn't great as she doesn't absorb vitamins properly. She usually has b12 injections every 3 months which was due just as lockdown started so didn't get it and also sometimes has to have iron infusions. She doesn't say much but she said she was feeling tireder when B12 was due and I thinks she's feeling lack of it more now and I worry if catches virus she might not be very strong to fight it.
Mum was resistant to respite when told about it before, but I don't know now if she would consider it. She did say once she might be better in a home but didn't want to go in for short time, get used to it and then have to come back out and be on own again. But I could do with bit of break and know mum was safe, although not sure I'd worry less or feel less guilt if she went in respite.
One thing I think about though is if mum went into respite would home assess her and tell us how they thought she was and what help they thought she required which might be helpful. Then again if only in short time probably wouldn't get true picture and they probably don't even do that.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,237
South East
I think they would assess mum and it would be very helpful , most of the experience of respite on here is positive , In your position and mine I wouldn’t tell my mum , would say she is going to stay somewhere for a short while . I agree it is all such a worry , but ..... the virus could be around for a while and you have to have some sort of life of your own too , so as long as you take as many precautions as possible I think sis should come and stay and you have a break , if she is staying with you , you are going to talk so you won’t get much of a break but some better than none , important sis gets to see how mum is too as she is normally the one dealing with SS etc . Hoping today is better . 🤞 🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,404
Bedford
What a confused time your Mum has had yesterday which must have been so stressful. I so admire your patience.
I know you said your Mum does not want to go to CH and you are not keen in some ways but as someone else said all those endless questions from your Mum could be answered by several. Ok I know at the moment you are only perhaps maybe considering respite but I think it is worth a try. Firstly to give you a break but also to see if your Mum becomes less anxious. I know with Covid 19 around it makes the decision more difficult. Would it be worth doing a separate thread asking people about their experiences of respite and the questions you asked above eg about the assessment, how your Mum would cope if then went back to her house etc
Loads of hugs to you and hope today is less confused
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,490
Sorry your mum was so confused in the latter part of the day @annielou. Although the summer weather is lovely, I suppose it still being light to nine or later perhaps confuses her. From what you've said I'd be a bit concerned that she might start wandering to try and find where she used to live or maybe thinks she lives now.
I wouldn't say anything to your mum about respite, just contact social services (or get sister to do it) and ask what would be possible.
I agree with @Bikerbeth that a new thread might bring you some input with people who've done this. I moved mum to care without telling her, and although for the first couple of weeks I said it was respite while work was being done on her block of flats, I dropped that pretty quickly. I have no experience of what things would have been like if mum had returned home.
Hope your afternoon 'off' is a good relaxing one.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,404
Bedford
I hope you are not on here as you had a good morning with your Mum, a relaxing afternoon and a romantic evening and nice meal with hubby. Fingers are tightly crossed that I am right 🤞
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,411
Yorkshire
Hi @Bikerbeth @Woo2 @Sarasa xxx
Ok day at mums yesterday, she thought I was 'friend' a lot of time. Asked me if I wanted to be her carer and she could pay me instead of them. Said a few times before carer came what you going home for and you don't have to go. And a few times said she hasn't seen owt on her kids.
She was ok when carer came and didn't ring me last night. That could mean she wasn't as confused and worried last night and didn't need reassuring 🤞 Or as it has in past on carer days, it could mean she is mad at me for not visiting her for ages and she is sulking, or didn't think there was any point ringing me cos I've abandoned her. :( I'm hoping for the first option.🤞
When I got in I made stew for today and then got annoyed last night because I'd checked we had suet but not thought to check if had flour, so when I came to do dumplings later I couldn't find any flour so now we've no dumplings :(, Also sorted some washing and did some ironing.
I'd been on here for a little nosey earlier but didn't post or stay on long last night, I decided to look online for some things for garden and ended up spending most of evening looking:oops:. Last year we bought a gazebo/awning type thing and a patio sofa and chair set for back garden, we wanted some sort of screening for next doors wall/fence to make it feel more enclosed and screen sun and wind a bit, but we never got round to figuring out what. I decided to look online last night as hubby wants to put cover on and furniture out soon. I also decided I wanted something to cover old patio up so was looking for outdoor rug and before I knew it the night had gone.
This morning I've woke up a bit fed up and I'm thinking I'm not sure why we're bothering as rarely sit there cos at mums most days for best part of day. Last year we'd try sit out for an hour when we got home but mum kept calling and I was constantly popping in the house so neighbours couldn't hear me talking to mum.
I'm trying not to be a Negative Nelly though and think hubby can sit out there on a weekend while I'm with mum, give him somewhere comfy to escape to, so he'll probably get some use out of it and I might manage a bit of time out there sometime. 🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,237
South East
Oh bless you 🤗 , you are fully entitled to be a negative Nelly , it sounds nice, think you should get it then on a tues and thurs you should go sit out there and enjoy it when weather allows, make the most of it when you can , ironing will be there later when it’s dark or weather rubbish , just think the vitamin D is good for you and you need it:cool:.
Hope mum was happy enough last night and if she was really annoyed/confused /upset she would of rung you I’m sure . Sorry about the dumplings :confused: healthier and lighter stew today;) . Fingers crossed it’s an ok day for you all. X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,411
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x when i rang this mornin to say setting off mum was fine so either was ok last night (hope so) or if wasn’t she’s forgot about it this morning.
Brought some ready made yorkshire puddings for stew, not the same as I love a dumpling but they’ll do. Mum suggested I check her cupboard for flour cos she usually makes dumplings with stew so might have some left. Bless her she’s not made any for years so any flour she had if had any would be a pensioner by now and I emptied her cupboards of old stuff few month ago so know none in there. I just said No, you’ve not got any either 🙄😊
Ordered rug and screening fabric so will have a go and set gazebo up next week and hope get some use out of it, weather, time and mum permitting 🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,237
South East
That’s good , glad she was ok , Yorkshire’s are lovely , sure they will go down a treat 😋.
hope you get lots of use out of it . Post a pic when done . hope day goes ok . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,404
Bedford
You do realise that no dumplings with stew is criminal offence :D Impersonating negative Nelly however is not.
i am sure you would not like to think that your Mum did not ring you last night because she was cross or upset but you need that break and hopefully if your Mum was then she has forgotten all about it.
I hope that when you were search the internet that you were enjoying it. Who knows what the future holds (regardless of virus) so go ahead, plan, buy and organise your patio. Then we can all ‘nag’ at you to go and sit out there on a Tue, Thur and one other? afternoon a week. We might let you do a little ironing if you are really unlucky:p
 

Members online

No members online now.

Forum statistics

Threads
115,390
Messages
1,688,056
Members
66,324
Latest member
Fullltimejobandfulltimeca