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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
Does sound like a better day @annielou 👍 Makes me curious (and frustrated ) how the days go up and down like roller coaster ride, never know quite what the day is going to be like from start to finish . Glad mum was calmer ,hope tom is much the same . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
Pleased to hear you had a calm day and an easy evening phone call. I still find it incredible the details that the confabulations can have.
wishing you a good morning with your Mum and hopefully no mountains of ironing to do so you could do something nice for yourself this afternoon
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Bikerbeth xx
Mums story about why she hadn’t got her furniture yesterday was very detailed, most of it wrong. I often wonder how she comes with half of it.
It certainly is like a rollercoaster and very curious and frustrating. I find even on better days I feel a bit on edge like I’m waiting for the next upset and as soon as relax which is rare it bites us on the bum.
In the words of Forest Gumps momma. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.
Hope we all have good days 🤞
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,690
Hi @Annilou, is your mum mixing in things she's seen on the TV or read? I'm glad yesterday was a good day, and I hope today is even better, and that you have a nice afternoon doing the things you want to do.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
She does do that sometimes @Sarasa yes. One of the things she told me about yesterday was about somewhere her and dad went away and were looking at houses, they had been on day trips there but never stayed or looked at houses, it was actually a couple on tv programme we'd seen day before who were looking for houses there. Then mum started saying her mum was there too and her and mum liked a house my dad didn't, her mum had never been away with them, let alone looking at houses but mum thought she had. Its amazing how many places her and dad or her mum have been that they never have, but we do watch a lot of holiday and home programmes so she recognises places from previous programmes which I think makes her think she's been.
Other times it's like she takes small things that are true, but mixes them up with other people and circumstances that were nothing to do with each other and adds to it and embellishes it.
Longest one yesterday was about her thinking she didn't have all her furniture and having only split up with my dad recently. Its one of her more or less daily worries, which is probably because she remembers living with him like it was yesterday and when she looks round house the furniture isn't the same as she had then because it was 29 years ago and has been replaced, but to mum it feels recent so why hasn't she got same furniture. If she thinks about it she realises the furniture in this house is hers but thinks it must be what she got when her and dad split up so her old stuff is somewhere else. The reasons she hasn't got it vary, it's like she is trying her best to work out why she doesn't have it and searching her brain for any memory that might explain it and fill in the gaps.
Yesterday it was dads younger brother who had it and she wanted to know where he was so she could get it back. It'd be hard as nobody's seen him for about 18 years and of course he doesn't have it anyway. In her story there were a couple of true things that he'd said when mum and dad really split up 29 years ago. A few things that had a bit of truth in them but weren't to do with him but another family member and weren't negative things when they'd happened, but when mum attributed them to uncle yesterday they were, like something my aunt had said to mum about moving next door to her became a nasty thing with uncle suggesting dad live next door to him. There were a lot of things that were nothing to do with her and dad and weren't at time she thought either mixed in her story, and there was a lot of filling in the blanks and made up conversations, which were very detailed conversations but wrong.
It must be awful not being able to make sense of the world around you and your brain basically giving you duff information :(
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,394
South coast
You have described confabulation to perfection @annielou

The kernal of trruth, the mixing in of other, unrelated memories, things seen on TV, stuff people have talked about, all stretched, exaggerated, taken out of context and mixed up together with a huge dollop of imagination. The things mum used to come out with were amazing.

Yes, their poor brains are seperately trying to make sense of the fragments of memory that they have left and try and string them together and fill in the gaps to try and make a narrative (even though its wrong). It must be so hard - the confabulations are like real memories to them and they dont realise their brain has just made them up. At the beginning mum sometimes realised that it wasnt quite right, but as time went on she just became more and more convinced that it was correct.

Mums favourite confabulations centred around people who lived upstairs (she lived in a bungalow) and this varied and changed as the disease progressed. To begin with she thought there was a family who pinched all the hot water (in reality she was switching off the boiler), then it became her late husband was living there with his fancy piece and finally became a school and the children made a racket on the stairs and came in and moved all her things around. I once made the mistake of telling her that there was no upstairs and to show me where these stairs were. She went all round her bungalow, opening every conceivable door and, at the end was distraught - as, how could they have taken the stairs away so quickly? She was convinced that they had been there just half an hour ago and someone must have come in and taken them away o_Oo_Oo_O.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Oh bless her @canary mums had a few about having an upstairs on her bungalow too. Thought the stairs were through door to the airing cupboard.
I think quite a lot of time Mum still realises something's not right or she’s missing a bit out and she asks me questions about it, she’ll even sometimes say thats not right is it? but then she doesn’t believe my answers. Probably because she thinks most of what she’s saying is right just a tiny bit wrong but when I answer her it sounds like nothing is right and she thinks she can’t be that wrong so often doesn’t believe me. Yesterday she didn’t ask questions or notice anything wasn’t right or get upset so I could just leave her to it .
Been here just over half an hour and already had another regular mix up where mum asked me if friend had been yesterday. I just said no I came. Mum said Oh good cos she stays all day 😳 then a minute later Oh yes she’s gone off somewhere hasn’t she nobody can find her. Hubby is with someone else now I think. He was with J (my sisters friend) from down our street wasn’t he but don’t know if he still he is. Think they’ve moved now. She’s not seen either of them in years but mixing them up with me and hubby.
Now thinks a neighbours hubby has died because hasn’t seen him for a while and says last week when saw his wife she looked old as hills. The woman is in her 80s and looked fine when we saw her and I saw hubby later that day and have told mum this about five times since last week. She is always thinking people are dead if she cant remember seeing them lately. Funny how she thinks her mum and my dad only died recently though.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
The Forrest Gump quite so apt. The confabulations are very intricate and detailed , Mum doesn’t seem to have any , she just doesn’t make much sense .
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,690
My mum doesn't make a lot of sense now either @Woo. I wonder how she'll be when I get to see her again.
The sort of things mum mixed in to her stories were things she heard on the radio. so for instance she thought the neighbours were committing hate crimes against her, or her loft was on fire. She'd obviously listened to something on Radio 4 or the news. She even call the police or fire brigade to report it. They were brilliant with her. They didn't say out and out that mum was totally wrong, just told her to ignore it or that she was safe.
Mum did was mix people and stories up often mid sentence. We were talking once about one of her friends when she suddenly said people weren't paying their bills on time and worrying her. I was confused as I didn't know said friend ran a business. Turned out she'd moved on to talking about my sister in law without explaining the switch. I think it was because the two women had similar names, just one letter difference, that thinking of one made her thing of the other. This sometimes led to me thinking she was confused when she wasn't. We were talking about Christmas and she mentioned a meal out, that I knew hadn't happened at the time I thought we were talking about. I corrected her, only when she carried on to realise she wasn't talking about Christmas anymore but had moved on to something else. Not helped by me being deaf so I didn't always hear every word.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
That must make things harder to follow for you @Sarasa and it can be hard enough anyway can't it x
Mum does switch conversations without warning sometimes too and also will just say something out of the blue, but it seems like she's mid conversation and she must have been thinking about it a while and then just says a bit out loud, and expects me to know what she is on about. She's not confused then but I often am :oops::confused:
Like yesterday all of a sudden she said I'd love to know where this bungalow is. I thought she was talking about her bungalow and she had forgot where she lived again but when I asked her she said No (Uncle) A's bungalow because he's got all my furniture and I want to go get it back. She'd obviously been thinking about her furniture and him having it for a bit but had not said anything aloud till then. She does it with things too, she'll say out of the blue Have you seen it, or Did you have it or Do you think it could be there? When I ask what? she looks at me quite often like I'm simple and says My so and so and acts like I wasn't listening.
Nice to hear police and fire brigade were good with your mums confabulations and mix ups. I hope when you see your mum next she hasn't changed much and you don't have to wait too long 🤞
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Mums thursday carer came today and told mum she had some news, she said she was going to have her twice a week now as she was doing tuesdays too but if we weren't happy to ring office. She asked mum if that was ok and Mum said Yes cos I love you coming. :) So that's sorted then. They may send someone else when she goes on holiday or if Tuesday carer is off a long time but it looks like for now she will do both days so mum will know whose coming.
Carer asked mum if she had any ironing to do today as she has been doing some for her but mum didn't as tuesday carer had done it. So she asked if mum had any cleaning she needed doing, or if she wanted them to do any. Mum said no she could do it and she'd come to chat with her and didn't have to do anything. Carer said they could do both. Mum told her she'd done some and there was only her here so it don't get dirty, which she says to me a lot, but was friendlier to carer. I told carer she says that to me all the time.
Mum mentioned she'd been meaning to mop bathroom floor but hadn't got round to it cos she kept colouring instead. So she offered to do it but mum said Oh no I'll do it tomorrow. Carer asked what mum had been up to since last week and mum said colouring and we talked about that for bit. Mum said she'd done some hoovering too so carer asked when, mum said other day and I said on friday, Mum said Was it? and so I said Yes we went all through apart from didn't mop bathroom floor. Mum said Oh yeah, well there's only me here so it doesn't need doing much. Carer said well we can do some today, but mum was still saying no you don't need to, I'll do it later. I didn't like to say too much and mum get annoyed at me before I left, or have her get annoyed with carer, but I did say she says that to me all time. Mum said we're always cleaning to carer and went back to her colouring, I said we manage once a week if we were lucky.
When hubby came and we were leaving carer mentioned them cleaning again and mum was still saying no need. Carer was joking saying she'd convince her. I said good luck she shouts at me when I try but she might not shout at you. I don't know what will happen rest of afternoon with that. I hope mum doesn't get annoyed with her like she does with me. I also hope mum isn't annoyed with me later about saying things to carer about cleaning.
I feel a bit awkward and embarrassed about her doing cleaning with mum, like I should do it if mum doesn't and she might think I don't even try and wonder what do I do all day when I'm there. I did put in my email before carers started that mum says she cleans regular but doesn't and I try to get mum to clean but she gets agitated sometimes and so if it gets too bad I leave it and try another day and if carers did try then they could do same if mum was same with them. But I don't want them to have hard time with mum and I just feel awkward and like I should manage it. It'll be interesting to read if carer puts anything about it in carer report when I go tomorrow.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,690
Hi @annielou, great the agency sorted that so promptly, and having the same carer twice seems quite a good idea. I'm sure the carer doesn't think you don't clean. From what you've said the place must be far cleaner than this house, and we certainly don't live in a pigsty.
Just enjoy a relaxing afternoon in this lovely weather, assuming you have lovely weather there.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Sarasa x weather is lovely here this afternoon too.
i think i feel guilty not managing everything with mum myself, it still feels odd having them be there instead of me, let alone them doing things I feel I should be able to manage doing.
I’ve been worrying about mums house not being clean and should be worrying about my own. I just dusted my venetian blinds in hall and living room and it was like grey fluffy dandruff 😱 I am shocked and slightly disgusted.
I used to go over them with feather duster about once a week on one of times I’m dusting and hoovering. Lately I often only manage hoovering etc once a week so do it all at once as I often can’t be bothered by time get home on evening from mums. I haven’t been able to find my feather duster for a few weeks, i have one upstairs but keep forgetting to take it down so I haven’t dusted the blinds. I didn’t think it had been many weeks but today I managed to get feather duster out from side of freezer where it had fallen and dust the blinds and oh the dust😯🥺
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,091
Dorset
Annielou the dust will still accumulate when you and I are dead and gone, don’t worry too much about it, take some time off for yourself, there’s more to life than housework!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
So pleased to hear that Thursday carer can do Tuesday as well and lovely that your Mum Is also happy about that.
I do not believe in your job description as ‘daughter’ it says you must do the cleaning at your Mum’s house so please try not to feel awkward or embarrassed. I will say that it did take me quite a while to sit and watch Mum’s carer come in and do the housework when I was there but for me it was a way of getting Carers in for when Mum needed more support in the longer term. Mum’s Carers always seemed brilliant at cleaning and chatting to Mum at the same time. Hopefully the carer can find a way to make the cleaning work with your Mum so you are less stressed by it.
I hope you found time to do something nice as well though today
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Mum rang at 7 tonight asking if I'd ever go see her, forgot I go every day and I had been today, bless her she was sorry she didn't know. Said she thought I wasn't talking to her because she'd left me. She thought she'd left me with nowhere to live when she'd gone to bungalow from dads. I told her I'm married and have house with hubby and so she hadn't left me etc. Not sure she really got it but she was glad I was talking to her and went to see her cos she loves me. Told her I love her and wouldn't not go see her. She kept asking if I was ok in my house and could she come see it and maybe she'd see me sometime so I just kept saying I'd go tomorrow and she could come saturday and I loved her lots.
She said she was sorry she didn't know I'd been, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing nowadays. She said she'd try to remember it was me tomorrow and would I tell her too. I sed I did and she knew it was me when I'm there it's just on a night when her brain gets tired she forgets sometimes but it was ok. She said ok good, then she said she'd go now but hoped she'd see me soon. I said I'll come in morning. Mum said after I've got up and dressed? which seemed an odd thing to say. I said I come about half ten. Mum said Oh yes I think you've said that before. I said Yes probably I usually come about then, I'll ring you before I set off and she said Ok love.
I asked about her dinner and what she was doing and she told me carer had made it her and carer was lovely and she got on well with her. Asked me what her name was and other one who came and said she was nice too. Then she said she was colouring now and joked she was always colouring and I said I know me too and mum said Oh yes, She seemed a bit better then and we said bye etc then.
She rang my mobile about 8 asking about her bank card, she thought 'friend' had it because she'd said she'd get her some money out cos mum doesn't know how to do machine but 'friend' hadn't given it her back. She had a card in purse but didn't think it was that one. I thought she'd mixed me up with 'friend' and she was thinking about money because mums carer bill came this morning and for about half an hour she was asking about paying it and how much it cost etc and I'd told her I'd sort it and she'd also asked for some money drawing out for her shopping at weekend so I said we'd do that too. I told mum it was me who she'd been talking to today about money.
Mum said she thought it was few weeks ago not today, she said 'friend' had took mums card and knew her numbers and was worried cos she'd not seen her since and she might have took all her money. I told her 'friend' hadn't got it because we had it. She said was I sure and could we check her money was still in. I said it was I'd seen it today. Mum was worried 'friend' could go in bank and tell them mums card numbers and say she was mum and had lost card and get another. I told mum 'friend' hadn't seen card and she couldn't do that. We went over it a couple of times with mum saying are you sure and me saying I'm positive you don't need worry mum your card and money is safe.
Then mum said Oh so I've been worrying for nothing then, thank you love. I told her to put card back in purse and put it away so she knows where it is. I asked if she was ok now and she said yes, so I told her I'd see her tomorrow and we said night.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x I really should check that job description again, my sister and hubby said something similar :)
I did some of my cleaning today, made cottage pie to take to mums while I made dinner for hubby and me. Sorted out some of ours and mums paperwork for filing and did cheque for mums carers. So not really done anything nice but at least my blinds are less dusty and I've a few jobs out of way.
Oh I did put rag n bone man cd on while hubby and I had dinner and chatted a bit (not all about mum) and texted my sister a bit (mostly about mum) Just about to make us a hot choc and watch a bit of tv and hopefully relax a bit before bed 🤞
Hope your day has been ok x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,394
South coast
Dont worry about the carers doing cleaning . OHs carer cleans my bathroom after she has got OH washed and dressed, or else she will strip his bed and put clean bedding on. I dont even have the excuse that its not my house! I am grateful for all help though as I have learned that I cant do it all. Its not a reflection about your standard of care/cleanliness.
x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
@annielou the carer’s would prob like a few bits to do , stop feeling bad , you are running two households , that takes a lot of time and effort , it’s not worth Mum getting upset over you cleaning so if they can get her to agree to let them do it then great , keeping the peace is the main aim , carers will be perfectly used to getting jobs done and keeping mum happy at the same time . As for your blinds....... lady give yourself a break please, when you didn’t have a full time caring job then you could dust them more frequently . Crikey you could make dust animals in here on occasions , and I used to do my housework constantly , it makes me feel happy cleaning but it has to take a back seat for the time being , as the others have said it will still be there tom, next week,month and year ! Chill and enjoy a little down time . Glad you got to chat to hubby about other things . Great news about Thursday carer doing Tuesday too 👍 . Can you get the invoice from care agency sent to you instead ? X