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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Well done Mr @Woo2 👍👏
I was going to try again late last night see if I could get a slot closer than 3 week one got other day but was shattered and gave in at 11 and went to bed.
Hubby has gone to supermarket this morning after dropping me off at mums. He has a list of things for us and mum, pair of gloves to wear and throw away when been in, hand gel to use after removes gloves and anti bac wipes in car too. Then wipes at home to wipe shopping and worktops down. Fingers crossed all goes well X
It is scary going out @Startingonajourney isn't it. It must be extra worrying for you with your daughters being teachers, hope they stay safe and well X
Mum still has cold today, I rang her to say time I was coming over and she sounded coldy, then she rang me ten minutes after I'd rung her telling me not to come today if I was thinking of going as she's made up with cold. She'd forgot I'd just rung and said I was going. I didn't remind her I'd just rung I just said I've got to come and give you tablets and meals mum and she said oh I forgot about them.
She was looking at her magazine when I came in so I popped on here but she's now just sat and keeps asking what I'm doing and who I'm talking to so I better get off and talk to her a bit.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Sounds like you have prepared as well as you can for shopping trip . Hubby clicked on it at dead on midnight when they release new day . It’s def his new job 😂 . Hope mum starts to shake off cold soon for all your sakes . I take it your sister isn’t visiting during lockdown ? You do fab @annielou, you have the patience of a saint . Have a good day, hope your hubby gets everything on his list .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Shopping trip went ok, no antibac wipes, custard cremes or plain crisps but he got rest of list YAY. Rather long queue to get in so took him hour and half but he said everyone was well behaved including him lol.
I put mums shopping away anti bac wiping everything possible and hubby took ours home with instructions to do same bless him. Then he's off out to cut grass as he's not working today.
Mum has been more confused than normal again due to cold. I wasn't quick enough earlier getting off phone so she got bit grumpy cos she didn't have all my attention but hubby dropping shopping off created a break and she's in better mood at mo. Fingers crossed her mood stays ok X
Sis was going to come down for few days this week as on annual leave but not coming now due to lockdown. She'd not been for few weeks as had birthday parties and things planned. She was thinking of still coming this week but we thought better not to.
Her youngest who's home from uni has started this week at their supermarket working early mornings Thursday to Sunday picking online orders so she won't be able to come down now at weekends while he's doing that as she has to drop him off and pick him up, unless her boyfriend isn't working and he could do it instead of her, but at moment don't think her journey down here would be classed as essential anyway.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,846
Hi @annielou. I pocked my head round the entrance to my nearest large supermarket yesterday and when I saw the queue went to the further away and much smaller one near the station as I only needed a few things. Well done for your husband for braving all that.
Sorry your mum still isn't well, if it carries on it might be worth trying for a phone consultation with her GP as she does seem more confused than usual.
The whole visiting elderly relative if you don't live near them is so tricky. My husband thinks he could get up to see his mother and give his brother a break, but I'm not at all sure all the connections would be running, and even if they were he'd risk unknowingly importing the virus.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Glad Mr @annielou got most things off list, anything like mine he won’t get something similar , what’s on the list , no more no less. Sorry mum got grumpy , mine is like that on and off most of the time , it doesn’t usually last long though. Cold get worse before better don’t they ,so hopefully be feeling a bit better soon. Shame about sis, it can be classed as care visit but it’s up to you all to make that decision , would of been nice for you to get a break but understand it’s difficult , hard to know what the right thing to do is . Fingers crossed afternoon/early evening go ok .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
@Sarasa sis is like your hubby and thinks could give me a break but then we're worried she could bring virus with her or take it back.
Mums cold seems bit better this afternoon so hope it goes over weekend. I think she has been getting more confused for a while but more so now with cold I'm hoping as cold goes so does some if confusion but I do think confusion is progressing anyway, as dementia does I suppose.
Mine is like that usually too @Woo2 but had instructions of alternatives today lol.
Hope you both have good afternoons
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Oh that’s good , where biscuits are concerned any others are fine 😂 . It’s difficult I agree , knowing what’s right /best . Glad mum’s cold seems better . Hopefully carers can come back next week .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
The biscuits were his request so I left him to pick alternatives if needed @Woo2 and he's just showed me he bought shortcake biscuits as he knows we both like them and haven't had any for ages. It made me smile and I need one tonight as feeling really down as its been another long confusing day for mum and me.
Mum was in better mood after lunch we even managed some colouring this afternoon but she was totally mixed up about who I was and when things happened again and kept asking questions or saying mixed up random things. She must have asked me are you my daughter? are you our Andrea? am I your mum? about 30 times today. Then my sister text me while we were driving home tonight to say mum was on phone to her and was going to call me . I think she'd rung sis by accident while trying to ring me to ask where I was and why I'd not been to see her like she has done most night this week . She'd rung my house twice by time I got in so I rang her after I washed my hands and she was straight into asking where I'd been and telling me my dad had died and he'd been living with another woman. She was totally mixed up about where lived again and was sure she was in another house, not the bungalow she lives in, so I had to explain what her bungalow looked like.
She wanted to know why hadn't I seen her. Then she was sorry didn't know it was me but she said it was because I looked like an old friend (J) my sister had as a teenager who had short hair like mine. Its first time she's brought her (J) up, all day I've been 'friend' or a friend named Andrea. Apparently she told sis on phone that her old friend (J) from when we were kids had been today and she was living with 'friends' hubby.
Mum and I were on phone for 16 minutes with her saying various totally mixed up things and asking questions and trying to make sense of things and me trying to reassure her and say it will all come back to her later, try not to worry about it making sense tonight while you're not well and tired, you're safe there and I'll be coming to see you like normal tomorrow morning.
She wants to come to my house tomorrow, we usually do come to mine on Saturday and Sunday but I'm getting worried that it wouldn't be allowed. I know I can go to mums to care for her, but don't know if hubby is really supposed to come in too and if we're allowed to bring her here. We aren't making any more journeys and aren't coming into contact with more people than would if I just went to mums to care as hubby is driving me to mums but I worry we'll get told off or fined.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
I’m sorry you have had a rough day:(it is so draining and emotional , no wonder you are feeling down , it’s such a lot to deal with . I hope the cold goes soon and mum can be less confused . I wouldn’t worry about taking mum to yours , there are people joyriding and visiting Parks and having parties ! You aren’t seeing extra people and won’t be spreading it . You are mums full time carer and those journeys are to facilitate that so please don’t worry , the only thing I was thinking of is if she is already confused will being at yours confuse her more , did she one time want to go home early before you had done tea to get home before dark as she thought she was walking home ? You know her and routines best, as it’s something she does frequently she should be ok . I really want to give you a great big hug and tell you how utterly amazingly kind and patient and caring you are😇🤗 your mum must be as lovely as you to have raised such a lovely daughter and for you to look after her so well . Keep your chin up 💝 you are doing fab . Hope you had a cuppa and some shortcakes;) my faves are malted milk . Xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x Really appreciate the hug,and all the nice and helpful posts. 🤗 I'm not that nice really, I feel like I should have much more patience than I have. I am always impressed by how you deal with your mum.
Yes mum often says she should go home before it gets dark, so besides worry of if its allowed I do worry if a good idea confusion wise too. Most times I can remind her we take her home and she stays till after dinner and she's ok, but lately she's been a bit more confused and gone back to it a bit more often and I did wonder if it was a good idea as she also tends to forget where her house is too.
Hubby says if we are at hers she still forgets if its her house and always gets mixed up quite a bit in the afternoon, its just about something else, so he thinks she's no worse at our house than at hers. He's right, I suppose its just that her not knowing where house is and thinking she has to go home before its dark is something I think could be avoided, but if it was avoided by her not coming here, some other worry would take its place.
She likes to come and at minute with not going out anywhere else she keeps moaning she's not been anywhere in ages and asks to come a lot. Hubby says we should bring her and if we get asked what doing tell them truth, we're mums carers and going to our house and we're only seeing each other and doing same journeys as we would if going to hers and see what they say. If they say its not allowed we can go back to mums and not do it after that. I just dread being asked especially in front of mum as who knows what she'd say to them.
Hubby loves malted milk, but I'm not too fond, a few years ago hubby and mum had a bit of a craze on the chocolate coated malted milk ones. I did indeed have a couple of shortcake biscuits with my cuppa and they were very nice. 🍵:)
A positive note to end on, I decided to try asda late tonight and managed to get a collection for next saturday👏
 
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Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
@annielou you are that nice and more ! I try and think of how patient you are when dealing with mum and that’s helped me be a bit kinder so thank you . We are only human and allowed to get hump, down and just fed up with it all and I’m trying to allow myself to feel that way sometimes without beating myself about it . Please don’t forget you are doing a difficult job with no training and are doing great. Great news about Asda 👏 I agree with Mr @annielou if it isn’t that it will be something else she would fret/get confused over , it might do her good a change of scenery and you def need to spend a little time in your own home . I’m absolutely sure you will be fine and not have any problems getting there or back. Hope you got some sleep . Have a good day. X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
I am mentally exhausted today and I'm sure mum must be even more so. She has barely stopped asking questions and challenging my answers all day. No amount of agreeing or trying not to disagree, attempts at distraction, asking to change subject, giving short answers, long answers and even firm verging on shouting answers has satisfied mum today. Her brain hasn't given either of us a rest in the 8 or so hours I've been there today and she's also rung twice since I left about 10 past 7, once at 20 past 7 and again just before 8 o'clock.
I feel so sorry for her as she really is mixed up and no amount of her trying to work things out, or asking me things is going to make it make sense to her. She doesn't even wait for me to finish answering before she starts telling me something else, or often starts asking the same question.
Her brain can not keep track of things and I am getting to stage after hours of constant mixed upness day after day that I'm struggling to make sense of things too. I've actually gone through some papers when I got home tonight to write down some dates for my own benefit as I'm starting to doubt the time frame myself now.
This morning when I rang to say what time I'd be there she told me not to go over as her cold was back and she didn't want me to catch it. I told her it was ok I'd stay down wind and also told her I had to go to give her her tablets etc when she said it again. When hubby and I arrived she kept telling me to go home as she just wanted to be on her own and read her book and not talk to anyone. I told her it was ok I didn't mind if she read and didn't chat I could go on my phone, knit or something but no she wasn't happy with that. I had an hour of mum telling me to go, she could take her own tablets, she could just miss her tablets today, she makes her own meals and doesn't need me to do them, she didn't ask me to go and she didn't want me there. She kept saying I treat her like an imbecile and take over and do things because I want to be in charge.
Then she drifted into what was point of me being there if I wasn't talking to her, I'd been there an hour and had barely spoke to her. 😲 We hadn't stopped talking since I got there, mainly mum going on at me, but I had been answering her and trying to say I needed to stay but it was fine if she was quiet and also trying to change subject on to other nicer things which hadn't worked so me sitting there not talking was totally wrong. We had half an hour of her saying she's lonely and doesn't have a friend and if she did I wouldn't need to go every day cos she'd be with them. After half an hour of that she went back to me not needing to be there cos she looked after herself.
Eventually thanks to her tummy keep rumbling I managed to get her onto talking about lunch and she stopped going on about me being there while we made lunch and ate it. She'd put tv, on after a gentle reminder how to put it on and quite a lot of reminders of which day it was so she could see what was on in tv guide, so we watched tv and chatted bit about it while we ate.
After lunch I got my knitting out and encouraged her to get hers out in the hope it would calm her down and give us something else to focus on. Which it did a bit but she soon also started asking questions every so often about who I was and asking about her and my dad getting back together and where she lived, when my dad died, when her mum died and nothing I said was right and nothing I tried to distract her worked and by four o'clock she had given up on knitting and tv watching and was in full on non stop but I thought this, and when did this happen, and do you think it was this, until half five when hubby came back for dinner.
The things she were thinking were totally mixed up, illogical and out of sync and some things were nothing like any real happenings but she would insist on trying to figure it out, which of course the more she tried the more mixed up it got. Nothing I said or did had any effect. Luckily when hubby came she calmed down a bit and she seemed calmer when I put dinner out and even though she told me she didn't want all that dinner she ate it all. She was still getting things mixed up though and she asked a few questions she didn't accept the answer of.
She seemed in an ok mood when we left about 10 past 7 but rang my mobile just as hubby and I pulled up at home to ask if she'd given us any dinner, I told yes we'd had dinner, (she didn't make it I did but I didn't say that). She said she had just washed up and there were 3 plates but she couldn't remember seeing us eat anything and didn't know if she'd made us anything. So I told her what we'd had and she said oh yes, sorry love I'm going daft I don't always remember things. I told her she wasn't daft and it was fine and we chatted a few minutes before saying bye.
She rang again about half hour or so later and asked me if I was alright and said I've not seen you today have I? so I said we'd been there earlier. Mum said Oh yes, I thought someone had been and she told me again about washing up and there being 3 plates. I told her they were hers, mine and hubbys and what we'd had. She told me she could remember hubby eating but not me and she didn't remember I'd been and then she wanted to know when I had arrived and left. When I told her she apologised for not knowing me and we talked about her forgetting when she's tired but knowing me in day. Then she said have I rung you already tonight and I said yes, she said I just remembered I did cos you said what we'd eaten then, oh I'm sorry love. I told her it was fine I didn't mind. She asked me again if I was ok and was hubby ok and were we at our house and then asked if I'd see her tomorrow and I said yes. She told me good and to have a nice evening and I reminded her of programme she likes that was due to start so she said she watch it and said night, we told each other love you lots and see you tomorrow. I'm hoping she put tv programme on and settled down and is ok.

 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Oh :confused: I realise that there is nothing I can say. It’s so distressing for you and for mum as well as wearing, there is no easy answer either . I‘m sorry the distraction didn’t work .Have you heard anything back from memory clinic yet ? I haven’t had a great day either so we are a right pair . I get what you mean about writing things down to double check yourself , I worried I was forgetting too much and other things but hubby said it’s stress and worry so I would say the same to you . I can only hope tom is better for you both.🤗 X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Just read your post @Woo2 sorry today has been rough for you too. Hugs x 🤗
Memory clinic rang to say how dealing with opening because of coronavirus the other week and they said they'd ring again in few week to check how mum is going on but not rung again yet.
I do think I'm more distracted and absent minded lately, could be menopause or very likely that my head is full of things to do with mum and not much room for anything else.
Tonight I decided to get mums papers out and do a timeline of the things mum keeps asking me about just to reassure me that I am right when I say them. Mums is constantly asking when her mum or my dad died, when she moved, when did dad meet woman he lived with, when did we last see dad. I have to keep answering her and then she'll say no it wasn't then it was only couple of weeks or months ago. I try to answer her by working out years things happened from things I remember happening about same time, or from remembering things mum has told me over years so tonight I got a pad and got out mums paperwork folder and found her divorce papers, her mums death certificate etc so I could do a timeline and check I've got my years right. I don't suppose it matters really as mum doesn't believe me when I tell her anyway, I could be telling her anything but I felt I needed to do it for my own piece of mind.
Here's hoping we have better days tomorrow 🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
It was prob a good idea for yourself to know you had details and dates right , it makes things clearer for me to write them down, like you say though it will make little difference to mum , I don’t know how you distract her when she is so insistent , she is desperately trying to get it clear in her own mind , it must be so troubling to have a kind of fog over the details of important things in her life . Could you say you don’t know exactly when she asks ? Thanks for the hug , much appreciated tonight and gratefully received . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Mum rang at 9.30 tonight to ask if I knew where she lived and then she told me she'd been looking for me in her address book and couldn't remember my name for a while at first. She didn't know I'd been today, didn't know if I knew where she lived now or if we had fallen out, she was asking where me and my sister lived and told me she wasn't in dads house now and thought we didn't know. When I told her we knew so it was ok she didn't need to worry about that. She asked how many children she had, was it just me and sis and was I our Andrea.
She was talking about me being there today and mixing me up with other people and she said Oh Andie I get so mixed up I've really gone haven't I my memory is really bad. I tried to reassure her like I usually do by saying its when her brain gets tired and she's ok rest of time and it'll come back tomorrow. She talked again about her false memory and my dad getting back together and splitting up recently so she moved back to her bungalow and wondered if she was allowed to be there and if she needed to tell council so I told her it was ok they knew she was there and it was all sorted out. She said she got scared sometimes because she couldn't remember things and worried she wasn't doing things she needed to. I told her not to worry cos I see her everyday and I make sure what needs doing is done so she said oh thank you love. She said it was scary not knowing what she was doing and if she was in right place.
She was quite mixed up about a lot of things but I tried to just reassure her she was in right place and everything was ok and she'd know things again tomorrow. She asked me a few times if I loved her and was I still seeing her and hadn't fallen out with her and stopped seeing her so I kept telling her I loved her and that we hadn't fallen out I see her everyday and I'd see her tomorrow morning.
I thought I'd calmed her down a bit and she said she was going to go back to colouring but she rang again at 10.40 and she was still confused where she is and if she's in right house.
I tried my best to explain its her house and her things. This time she was flitting between thinking her and my dad had lived together in the bungalow she was in tonight because she thought the curtains and cupboards had been there a long time so that made it house she lived in with dad but there was only one bedroom with a single bed and she thought they had 3 bedrooms and he'd stayed in that house and she'd left it so how was she still there tonight, and also she thought she should be in house we all used to live in 29 year ago. I told her it was her bungalow and those things had been there a long time cos she'd lived there a long time. I said she was remembering an old memory of when her and dad were together but it felt new and was confusing her. She said she was confused and asked me if I'd go in the morning. I tried to calm her and reassure her she was safe and in right place. I told her to try not to think about it much tonight cos it would come back to her and she'd be ok in morning and I'd go over and see her tomorrow, but she was still confused when we hung up even though she said she'd be ok and she'd see me tomorrow.
I don't know what to do for her, I'm so sad for her and feel like I should be doing something to help but don't know what I can do as I can't sort her memories out for her and I don't know how to stop her feeling scared and confused.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Hi, it’s so blooming hard, I don’t think there is anything you can say or do to help her memories or to get her out of this loop, I understand how helpless you must be feeling . Are carer’s coming tom ? Just wondering if that will jolt mum out of loop for a while . I really have no idea in how to help .... sorry . I can only send you more hugs and hope things get a little easier 🤗 Hope mum is safely tucked up sound asleep and that you do too. Take care . X