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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
702
Yorkshire
It really is a lucky dip @DesperateofDevon what a good analogy.
@Woohoo that was a great 'fib' well done and I'lll keep my fingers crossed for you next week with carer lady 🤞

Yesterday wasn't a good day unfortunately mum was confused and questioning for quite a lot of it. When I arrived at mums she was looking in letter rack and started asking straight away if she had left some of her stuff at the house she'd been living in with dad. She wanted to know where the blue sofa was they had there and her pension and paperwork as she could only find a letter with 1919 on which apparently proved she hadn't been in this house for a while and had been living at other house. Bless her letter was dated 2019 but throughout the day she was adamant it was 1919 despite the fact she wasn't born till 1947.
The blue sofa was long gone and been replaced by 4 more since then, her pension has only ever gone in to her bank account and she still has same account and that's where she gets her money from every week. Her important post is all filed away in a folder, now kept at my house after she told me to keep it the other day. I spent about an hour answering a multitude of questions about this with increasingly confusing reasons from mum why she was right even though her reasons didn't add up. Then she seemed to calm down and forget about it for a little while watching tv and we decided to go over to my house for the afternoon. She was ok on the way to mine apart from she kept asking why we were catching a bus because she thought she usually walked to mine and also kept asking her usual did I lock the doors and where's my keys, but they are pretty normal nowadays.
Once we got to mine and were having lunch she started again with questions about house, furniture, pension etc and that carried on for another couple of hours. She would sometimes say I'm sorry Andie I know I'm asking a lot but I just can't get it right in my head and she'd also ask me every so often if she was annoying me and apologise and ask if I still loved her, I always said I did and I know she can't help it. I did try to answer her questions as if first time she'd asked and also tried distracting her, but it didn't help and I tried to keep being patient but it did slip a bit and I got a bit grumpy. I did apologise and she said it was ok but she just couldn't stop trying to work it out and thinking about it.
She thought her and my dad had only split up a few year ago and that he'd asked her to go back and she had, this was quite a few years ago when she went back, more than ten years, which means she'd have gone back to him before she left him. Then a couple of weeks ago she had had enough and told me she was leaving dad and going to go back to her current house which she had left when she had gone back to dad, she hadn't paid rent or anything on it, had just locked it up and dad had said he'd sort it but she didn't think he had. Then after she had gone back to her house dad had died about 4 weeks ago, which means he died before she left him.
She was worried her pension was going through post to dads address and most of her furniture was there too so she needed to tell council and pension people and bank. She eventually settled down again about 3 but then about 1/4 of an hour later she said I wish our andie would get in touch I haven't seen her for weeks, so she'd forgot I was me and I'd become a friend called Andrea again.
About 5 minutes after that my sister and her boyfriend arrived and on and off for the next couple of hours while we were chatting about all sorts of other things she would ask them, you going to our andies, or have you seen our andie you ought to go see her, or does our andie know you're here.
Sis and boyfriend had come down for weekend because boyfriend was going to football today, they are staying at travelodge rather than with me to save me having to do extra beds etc and we'd agreed to keep yesterdays visit just to couple of hours as we've only met boyfriend once last summer and didn't know how mum would be with him. She was ok with him actually and didn't seem too panicky about seeing someone new which is much better than last time met him when she worked herself into a real state before they arrived. That might be down to fact we didn't tell her they were coming till just before arrived and also her sertraline might have helped with her anxiety too.
Sis and boyfriend left before dinner and mum was ok for a bit and just as I was putting out dinner she remembered me again, but after dinner she started saying she didn't know which house she was going home to and did we know where to take her and she was back to thinking had lived with dad again. When we took her home she was really quite confused about if that was where she lived. Hubby and I were due to go his mum and dads after we took mum home but she was really confused and asking questions again so I didn't want to leave her and thought she would only end up ringing me anyway so hubby went on his own.
For the next hour mum was still mixed up and upset that she was mixed up, she said Andie if I lose it completely don't try and look after me, put me in a home if there are any, it's not fair for you to try and look after me. I teared up and couldn't say anything for a moment and mum said you didn't say anything is that cos I've lost it already? I told her no you've not mum. She said but you're already looking after me oh Andie I do love you. I told her I loved her too and somehow I don't know how but I managed to not cry in front of her, just a few surreptitious eye wipes. My poor mum I felt so sad and sorry for her.
Not long after that she did stop asking as much and seemed more relaxed even though a few times she said the odd thing about where lived and dad etc but mainly she watched tv and we talked about that until just after ten when hubby came back from his mum and dads. Mum seemed ok for me to go so I came home.
This morning the DWP officer was coming to fill in appointee form for mums benefits so I rang her about an hour and half before to make sure she was up and to tell her to get ready cos he was coming and we'd be there before him. When I rang she sounded terrible and said she'd only just gone to sleep as had diarrhoea (ongoing bowel problems) in night till bout 5. I couldn't cancel visit as officer had rung at mums and not given me a number when made appointment and all the numbers we could find were monday to friday office hours. I reminded mum he was coming and said if she was up to it to just get dressed and we'd see him as he'd said he wasn't going to be there long but if she wasn't or needed loo again we'd tell him mum couldn't see him when he turned up. Luckily when we got to mums she was dressed and hadn't had go to loo anymore and when he came he was only there a few minutes anyway. It wasn't the best morning but at least that's sorted now and in a few weeks when it's processed I can now deal with benefits on mums behalf.
We stayed at mums with her today instead of taking her to supermarket and then to my house as she didn't want to risk going out in case her tummy started again. Hubby and I popped to supermarket and did shopping without her and sis came through for afternoon while boyfriend was at football. It did settle down and she had a bit of lunch and a bit of dinner and hasn't been too bad today, a bit confused but not going on about house, pension etc so much as last few days and she mainly knew who I was. Sis left to meet boyfriend after the football finished and went out for a drink and something to eat before going back to lodge and hubby and I stayed with mum till about 8 and then came home.
I feel bad we've not been very good hosts to sis and boyfriend and not made a good impression but I said to sis beforehand looking after mum comes first and I can't guarantee how weekend will go and she says boyfriend was prepared things may not go to plan and they are ok with things as they've gone. Sis is hoping mum will be ok in morning and they can go over to mums to give her her tablets and pick her up to come here for a while before they go home about lunchtime so fingers crossed that goes to plan 🤞
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
930
Bedford
I don’t think you should feel bad about not being a good host. I am sure your sister fully understands. Glad to hear that day care was successful again this week and hopefully the meeting with the care agency next week will be productive. Also pleased to hear that hubby’s BP is normal again. Hubby walking out mid sentence would also wind me up, mine used to start playing card games on his iPad until I threatened to throw it out the window. He tried to tell me it helped him concentrate on what I was saying!!!!! It sounds like you have coped really well with some days - distraction, patience, being cheerful can be really hard work. Their tears are the worst especially when you know they are crying because they are frightened about something you cannot do anything about. It is certainly a dagger in the heart.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
558
Hi @annielou, sorry to hear you had another difficult and in someways sad day. it sounds as though Mum had a moment of clarity about her situation, and mentioning residential care - which is very difficult to hear, I can understand your sadness. The development of Mum recently moving seems to be a new dementia loop she is locked into, you might not see it yourself but you seem to be extremely patient with Mum, so don't be hard on yourself. I hope you get some more support soon. Stay strong, all the best.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
702
Yorkshire
Thanks for replies @Bikerbeth @Pete1 xx
Hoping today is a better day, always hoping eh X
I'm dreading tomorrow as mum has an appointment at rapid chest pain clinic that GP referred her to after she told memory worker and him she'd had pain in her chest and tingly arm a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us like hospitals, who does, but mum will no doubt be confused as to why going and constantly asking why there and what she needs to say and getting worked up bless her. I can't imagine what it must be like at a hospital which is scary enough but not really remembering why you are there.:(
It says we can be there 1.5 hours and its a full chest pain assessment which will probably be an ecg, possible a chest xray and echocardiogram as well as no doubt mum having to explain her pain which she may or may not remember. She'll want me to go in everywhere with her, though last time she had an ecg (for something else a few years ago) she was a bit embarrassed sitting there with her top off in front of me so not sure how that will go this time. The staff looked at us a bit odd when I went in with her a few years ago as don't think people usually do, but at the time we hadn't realised that's what they were doing next and I'd just gone in that room with mum as I had the others.:oops:
I'm going to use one of the appointment cards I got off Amazon tomorrow because mum usually obsesses 'have we got a card?' 'wheres my appointment card?' when we go anywhere so I'm hoping to give her one of those and head that worry off. I'm also going to put a full pack of rescue remedy lozenges in my bag for me to help me deal with the stress so I can help mum deal with hers. 🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,093
South East
Hi @annielou , I agree completely , I’m sure your sisters realises how much you are dealing with and wouldn’t worry in the slightest . Seeing your posts about mum you can see where the bookshelf anology comes from with reference to memories , I wish my mum talked more , she is very quiet , my dad made her feel she is stupid (it wasn’t deliberate he just was ill and didn’t deal with it in perhaps the right way) so she is frightened to say much , she says only a few words in a day . If I try and engage her she replies but isn’t forthcoming with much else . Hope today is less confused for mum . Don’t beat yourself up about getting upset, you are human not a machine and we all have limits to what we can take at any one time . You are doing brilliantly . Xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,093
South East
Good luck for tom , when mum has ct scan in December I told them about her diagnosis and they let me go in and get her settled on table and stand outside the door , they are really accommodating once they know , it helps I guess as it takes some pressure of them so if you can quietly explain when checking in then it shouldn’t be a problem . Hope you get done quickly . Xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
702
Yorkshire
Aw thats such a shame and must be hard for you and your mum @Woohoo x
You're right sis said it was fine. :)
And yes the bookshelf analogy does fit mum quite a lot of the time. The top few shelves of books fall off and she seems to be on books from her 40s a lot of the time. Sometimes the newer books are put back on the shelves but then it wobbles and they fall off again. Sometimes its like some of the newer books have been mixed in with the older books on their shelf and other times I think its like someone elses books have been mixed in with hers. 🤔 :(
Mum didn't have a bad day today which was good, she was ok when sis picked her up this morning, and when they came over to mine, over lunch and when sis left. She used to fret when sis went home, frequently asking will she be home yet, has she text yet, but today she never mentioned it and when hubby asked if I'd heard from her yet, around the time we'd expect she might be home, mum looked like she'd forgot she'd been and then she said Oh yeah, she came today didn't she.
Mum started calling me 'friend' late afternoon and was a bit mixed up about who we were when we were getting ready to take her home this evening. She seemed ok when we got to her house and when we left, but then she rang me while hubby and I were on our way home and was a bit mixed up over who she'd seen today but I think she was ok and not upset when we hung up. I hope so 🤞Fingers crossed X
I've not mentioned tomorrows hospital visit since we got the appointment letter and will wait till a bit before its time go tomorrow to tell her again, I like to give her a bit of notice to get ready but not too long to worry about it for long.
Thanks @Woohoo @Bikerbeth for the good wishes xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,093
South East
I’m glad today wasn’t too bad for you all :). Yes it is a mixed up jumbled bookcase . Mum made a horrific claim a couple of weeks ago, let’s just say it involves incest:(, hubby asked me if it was true , I said I don’t think so and I believe it’s a gap in her memory and her brain has filled it with a false memory but she was extremely upset , I promised her he couldn’t hurt her now as he can’t get past us but thankfully it hasn’t troubled her anymore but it was heartbreaking when she said it and to see her so upset , I really detest Dementia . Think your wise to not tell mum to early about appointment , I have learnt the hard way and now only mention things an hour or so before. I Went out Friday night with friends for dinner for first time in nearly a year , mentioned it to Mum about 5pm and she got in a real mood and sulked so lesson learnt if I go out again I shan’t be saying anything until I’m almost ready to leave . Wouldn’t mind but hubby and daughters were with her all the time I was out . Good luck for tom , be thinking of you both . Take care . Xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
702
Yorkshire
I’m glad today wasn’t too bad for you all :). Yes it is a mixed up jumbled bookcase . Mum made a horrific claim a couple of weeks ago, let’s just say it involves incest:(, hubby asked me if it was true , I said I don’t think so and I believe it’s a gap in her memory and her brain has filled it with a false memory but she was extremely upset , I promised her he couldn’t hurt her now as he can’t get past us but thankfully it hasn’t troubled her anymore but it was heartbreaking when she said it and to see her so upset , I really detest Dementia . Think your wise to not tell mum to early about appointment , I have learnt the hard way and now only mention things an hour or so before. I Went out Friday night with friends for dinner for first time in nearly a year , mentioned it to Mum about 5pm and she got in a real mood and sulked so lesson learnt if I go out again I shan’t be saying anything until I’m almost ready to leave . Wouldn’t mind but hubby and daughters were with her all the time I was out . Good luck for tom , be thinking of you both . Take care . Xx
That must have been a shock, hope not true and it doesn't come back to her again. What you said sounds like a good way to handle it to reassure her either way and you must have been shocked at the time too X
Don't know if your mum is the same but my mum sometimes sees things in magazines or on tv and mixes them into real life, sometimes they can be comical but others are distressing. I think its very cruel how dementia does that sort of thing to a person.
Glad you got out but shame it had the shine taken off it with your mum sulking. Hope you get out again soon and next time mum doesn't sulk X
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,093
South East
Thank you @annielou , it was a shock yes but have tried to put it out of my mind or else I would be going over and over it . Yes mum too can be like that , we screen tv programmes now, nothing sad or upsetting , especially just before bed, last night it was call the midwife but she had a bad night up and down so can’t always help it . 🍀 Good luck with appointment ,🤞you are in and out in quick time . Xx
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
978
Hope the hospital appointment goes well and you aren't there too long. Hope the staff are as good at dealing with a person with dementia as the staff were in my local hospital on Friday with mum.
I think you are wise not to mention anything until shortly before you are going to go.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
198
Hope your mum got off OK @annielou. The fact that she seemed to be looking forward to it when she is so confused about other things means last week must have made a big impression.
I'd forget housework, unless like my husband and my late grandma, it's something that makes you happy doing it. Both OH and my nan are/were very fit and thin. Nan liked nothing better than hanging a rug on the washing line and beating the hell out of it, and my husband spend hours vacuuming extremely carefully. My sister in law once told me their father was the same and thought it was a skill my husband had inherited. Husband's response was that he wished he'd inherited his father's skill at languages instead, but I find having someone who likes housework around extremely useful!
OMG my husband is the same. He's the slowest cleaner in the world, does a good job though! He loves to vacuum. Especially when we are about to go out 'just a quick hoover' :rolleyes: I like to cook, guess which one of us weighs more?! :D
That said, nothing worse than a man who expects you to be his mother so no real complaints!
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
198
Thanks for replies @Bikerbeth @Pete1 xx
Hoping today is a better day, always hoping eh X
I'm dreading tomorrow as mum has an appointment at rapid chest pain clinic that GP referred her to after she told memory worker and him she'd had pain in her chest and tingly arm a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us like hospitals, who does, but mum will no doubt be confused as to why going and constantly asking why there and what she needs to say and getting worked up bless her. I can't imagine what it must be like at a hospital which is scary enough but not really remembering why you are there.:(
It says we can be there 1.5 hours and its a full chest pain assessment which will probably be an ecg, possible a chest xray and echocardiogram as well as no doubt mum having to explain her pain which she may or may not remember. She'll want me to go in everywhere with her, though last time she had an ecg (for something else a few years ago) she was a bit embarrassed sitting there with her top off in front of me so not sure how that will go this time. The staff looked at us a bit odd when I went in with her a few years ago as don't think people usually do, but at the time we hadn't realised that's what they were doing next and I'd just gone in that room with mum as I had the others.:oops:
I'm going to use one of the appointment cards I got off Amazon tomorrow because mum usually obsesses 'have we got a card?' 'wheres my appointment card?' when we go anywhere so I'm hoping to give her one of those and head that worry off. I'm also going to put a full pack of rescue remedy lozenges in my bag for me to help me deal with the stress so I can help mum deal with hers. 🤞
Hope it goes well if you've not already left and that the card helps!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
OMG my husband is the same. He's the slowest cleaner in the world, does a good job though! He loves to vacuum. Especially when we are about to go out 'just a quick hoover' :rolleyes: I like to cook, guess which one of us weighs more?! :D
That said, nothing worse than a man who expects you to be his mother so no real complaints!
That made me chuckle — just as we are off to do errands outcomes the hoover & mop!
Delaying tactics! Or what!!!!!
😂
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
702
Yorkshire
Thank You xxxxx The appointment was ok.
Mum got bit het up once knew she was going and couldn't remember why at first and also said didn't need to go and didn't want to go and wasn't going to go, but I gave her a little explanation of why going and she wasn't too bad overall, lots calmer than in the past. I think it helped I didn't give her long to worry about it.
She did ask if we had an appointment and had we got a card as expected so I said yes its in my bag look and held up the card I'd filled in, she didn't even ask to look at it and only asked a few times about it, once more before we left, once in the taxi and once while walking into hospital and each time as soon as I said yes its in my bag I showed it you earlier, or yes its in my bag do you want to see it? she just said oh yeah it is and let it go, so that was a big improvement 👏 :)
She was nervous at hospital, understandably, while waiting for appointment but I tried to keep her chatting and calm her as best I could. Receptionist said she would have an ecg then come back and see cardiac nurse. I watched where people went and came back from for ecg before it was mums turn and everybody went in alone even though most had come with someone else. One woman who had come with a lad asked if she went with him and nurse said not really, it's better on his own, we'll bring him back here after so I thought it probably best if I didn't go with mum either. I told her the nurse would come get her and what she was going in for and then she'd come back to me and I'd go in with her to see cardiac nurse afterwards. She was a bit worried at first but once I'd explained and pointed out the next person going off with nurse and then coming back to her hubby before going round to wait to see nurse mum said ok and when it was her turn she just got up and went with nurse for her ecg bless her.
When we saw cardiac nurse she asked if mum had history of heart problems, smoked, drunk etc and if she was on any medication/tablets, mum said no, but I said yes and gave her list I'd wrote. The nurse asked what Galantamine was for so I said its to help her memory cos she has alzheimers and mum said oh yeah I have. Nurse stapled my list to form as well as writing them down. She asked if mum hadany bloods done recently for cholestrol and if been diagnosed with high blood pressure. I said bloods at least 18 month ago for that and her blood pressure usually high though not on any medication for it but she was due at gps next month for bloods then bp testing and results.
Then she asked what had brought mum here, what mums symptoms were, mum wasn't too sure and couldn't really say so I told nurse what mum had said to memory worker, then gp about her arm hurting and next day saying chest did and then telling gp arm tingled.
She asked a few more questions, mum gave a few wrong answers and left a lot of the talking to me but was ok. She asked when pain worse and mum said when doing things, which she hasn't said before and both times mentioned it lately she had been sat for while so I told mum that. Nurse suggested mum tries some exercise like walking with someone with her to monitor if hurts or gets breathless while doing it or after so I said we would and I have kept eye on her since went to gp and not noticed anything even after walked.
Nurse didn't seem to think mums symptoms sounded like angina which is what they were looking for and said her ecg was ok too so they wouldn't prescribe tablets if they didn't think that. She said gp had requested another scan but their department had written back asking for more clinical information but hadnt had reply yet so that was marked as 'awaiting' so mum may get another appointment for that. She said mums tingly arm could be poor circulation or posture and chest pain could be indigestion, she suggested standing up and having a drink for indigestion or rotating shoulders n stretching out for posture.
She tested mums bp which was high so she suggested we check it on hubbys machine a few times and tell nurse when go for it checking in March, she listened to see if could hear mums heart murmur which gp had mentioned and like gp she said its not loud or worrisome.
She sounded a bit surprised really as to why gp had sent mum there as her symptoms didn't sound same as angina, so I said I think he'd sent her because memory worker had contacted gp about mums bp being high along with the chest pain and gp said couldn't rule out heart and because she had peripheral arterial disease in leg he wanted check she was not furred up anywhere near heart causing pain.
She said mums ecg fine and her symptoms didn't sound like angina so wouldn't prescribe tablets yet and if they needed to do further investigations they come with side effects and they'd have to consider with mums memory if it was good enough for her to be able to remember them and understand and decide on whether to go ahead or not as that would be operations but for now she didn't think would need that.
She reminded us to watch for when and if chest pain came back or was worse when doing things and keep a diary of it and also check bp a few times and liaise with gps surgery over it and that was it. We were there about 3/4s of an hour in total so not too long. Mum asked a few times if she had to go back and I said I didn't know yet they'd send for her if did and she seemed ok about it all.
We came back to mine in the afternoon and she was quite settled and calm, she did lose who I was again later this afternoon and when we took her home she said she might not see me tomorrow as going to try get our andrea to come if she can get hold of her so I just said ok I'll ring you in morning and she seemed ok with that.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
930
Bedford
So glad that the ‘appointment card’ idea worked a treat. Even better to hear that your Mum coped with the hospital, the waiting around, heading to the ecg on her own and really good that they do not think it is angina. Well done you
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,093
South East
Really good news that on the whole the app went well :) , genius about the app card @annielou, all in all sounds like it went well. Hopefully the pains don’t come back and that’s the end of it . Wishing you a peaceful day today . Mum will always be tired and more confused the day after doing anything like that so we have an easy day or two after . She has a cough at the moment , honestly she was never a hypochondriac , far from it but now she is, I am going to need strength today and lots of internal screaming . Xx