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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
My mother is appalling at drinking, so I fill half a small tumbler every 2 hours with a different flavoured drink - so far it’s working !!!! For now!!!!!!!!!

defo UTI symptoms & mum goes loopy Lou - totally off the wall! She’s now on prophylactic & that works.
Mums confusion was off the scale recently , any small rise in temperature, emotional distress or change has a negative reaction.

routine & simplicity helps, agitation seems to snowball at times. I have to walk away & cry!!! I really don’t cope well.

but I hope that things even out for you !
I am mainlining Baileys - short term anaesthetic!! But highly recommended on porridge!!!

take care lovely, break each day down into small bits & keep hitting the reset button!
Xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,060
Yorkshire
My mother is appalling at drinking, so I fill half a small tumbler every 2 hours with a different flavoured drink - so far it’s working !!!! For now!!!!!!!!!

defo UTI symptoms & mum goes loopy Lou - totally off the wall! She’s now on prophylactic & that works.
Mums confusion was off the scale recently , any small rise in temperature, emotional distress or change has a negative reaction.

routine & simplicity helps, agitation seems to snowball at times. I have to walk away & cry!!! I really don’t cope well.

but I hope that things even out for you !
I am mainlining Baileys - short term anaesthetic!! But highly recommended on porridge!!!

take care lovely, break each day down into small bits & keep hitting the reset button!
Xx
Me neither, I've sneaked off to the loo for a cry a few times the last few days, twice today, although I can only manage that for a few minutes as mum comes looking for me.
Mum has been calmer as the day has gone on which is good, though she is still confused but not been as frantic or scared this evening as she was earlier.
In fact shes nodding a bit at the mo. Not surprising after yesterdays late night and not a lot of sleep last night and her brain must be exhausted from all the confused questioning of last few days.
I'm torn between being pleased shes settled and quiet and at least not asking questions for a while, but also a bit annoyed that she nods to catch up on sleep but I had less sleep than her and I cant nod off.
Hubby has nodded off too so I'm stuck here with two sleeping beauties feeling quite jealous. Roll on bedtime, although I'm actually dreading that so maybe not. Just have to keep plodding on.
Hope you're enjoying your baileys, you certainly deserve it x x
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
426
I am mainlining Baileys - short term anaesthetic!! But highly recommended on porridge!!!
:D Fabtabulous

My mum has unfortunately confused my father with unidentified male in her childhood and talks about very distressing events. I can’t decide if it was a lodger or her father (who left her as a 7 yr old) but ‘something’ happened. First time I realised what she was reliving I really struggled. It was grim and without the ability to ask questions I could only fill in the gaps.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
:D Fabtabulous

My mum has unfortunately confused my father with unidentified male in her childhood and talks about very distressing events. I can’t decide if it was a lodger or her father (who left her as a 7 yr old) but ‘something’ happened. First time I realised what she was reliving I really struggled. It was grim and without the ability to ask questions I could only fill in the gaps.
Oh my lovely!
I am hoping that you are able to find some escape!
Having only a little experience of this type of abuse over the years of counselling it’s best to leave the person speak & not ask questions as that leads to the suppression of memories.
As traumatic & distressing it is to hear, the fact that your mother has opened up means that she is comfortable to do so. in my limited experience children who open up talk about the events then that’s it! A suppressed memory shared when they are feeling safe & loved & secure.

The revelation is shocking, but could be related to a memory triggered by smell, colour etc.
You know where I am if you need to talk!
Sending love & big (((((((hugs)))))))))
Xxx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,060
Yorkshire
Our Christmas has been **** i have cried so much there is a flood warning in our area.
Mum has excelled herself in the angry aggressive stakes as she was so mixed up she didn't know her **** from her elbow and apparently neither did I!!!
Everything i said was wrong.
I know that propably sound nasty and uncaring but I am so low and upset. I just want to rant and put it all down somewhere.
Christmas eve was hard work as I was the friend again and then when we arrived at my house mum went looking for me and would not accept anything hubby or I said, getting angry and upset.
Eventually she did slowly become calmer as day went on so by mid evening she had calmed and wasn't too bad. She slept ok overnight but unfortunately the pressure pad I put on her bed seemed to be clicking constantly when mum first went to bed so we didn't dare turn the chime on the reveiver on as it would be going all night. I think I had not got the placement right and she must have only just been on it. That meant I darent put my ear plugs in and hubby heavy breathed and snored his way through the night meaning I only got the odd ten minutes sleep and I was already tired from before so I was shattered on christmas morning and woke up teary.
Present opening went ok but after her shower mum was mixed up again thinking she was at my sisters with 'friend' and was ready to leave and going to my house. So we had an hour or so of confusion, anger and upset while I tried to prepare dinner.
Dinner went ok though it was pretty quiet, but an hour or so after lunch mum was questioning and getting annoyed again.
Hubby went to lie down with a thumping head late afternoon and for the hour and half he was up there mum was asking if he was ill, had he took some tablets, should she ring Andie and hubby to take her home as she yet again thought we were the friends. She was mixed up and upset because she couldn't remember where she was and so was I. When hubby got up and had something to eat as he hadnt wanted tea earlier, he was friends hubby and she asked him same things, still not believing either of us for long.
Then she wanted go to the loo so I took her up and then ten minutes later she wanted to go again (ongoing bowel trouble) when she came out of loo she got her bags from spare room and when I asked why, she said she thought she was going home. That sparked an argument with her saying she was at my sisters and she was going home, which I said no mum we're staying here again today, to which she started shouting about not staying here and going to Andies (me) I snapped that I was Andie, so then she was going home because I shouted at her, then it was because she wanted go to loo and didn't want to go here.
Apparently she had been suffering with constipation ALL day and been up and down to loo since the morning. Which was not true but we are liars and if we didn't take her home she would go alone. Then she was back to leaving because I had shouted so eventually we ended up giving in and in floods of tears I packed my things back up to and hubby drove mum and I back to mums at ten o'clock and hubby went back home alone.
There was more mixed up questioning and aggression telling me I was wrong when we were back at mums and more hiding in thr loo in floods of tears for me.
This morning mum was very subdued and asking if I still liked her and why she had shouted at me last night, she thought she had upset me but didnt know why. She was sorry and worried I wouldn't look after her now and hubby wouldn't let her come to our house anymore and would hate her. It was very sad and I felt very sorry for her.
After our showers she was back in her usual aggressive after shower state and grumpy with everything I said until I helped her put her christmas presents away and hubby came to pick us up for our house.
She was quiet for first hour here over lunch which she enjoyed but then she started asking about her tablets for UTI as yesterday and today she has said its stinging when she wees and she has decided I am giving her the antibiotics wrong as she is POSITIVE she should have two at a time because she ALWAYS does that and I never have tablets so I don't know anything about them and she will take care of her own prescriptions in future!
And now I'm back to being the friend and her asking me where our Andrea is.
Hubby is really sad and fed up and is worried about me. He was really upset and worried during my constant crying yesterday and says we can't go on like this. He really wanted me to stay with him for Christmas and was upset he was left alone last night and I had to stay with mum while mum and I were so upset.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,060
Yorkshire
:D Fabtabulous

My mum has unfortunately confused my father with unidentified male in her childhood and talks about very distressing events. I can’t decide if it was a lodger or her father (who left her as a 7 yr old) but ‘something’ happened. First time I realised what she was reliving I really struggled. It was grim and without the ability to ask questions I could only fill in the gaps.
Oh how awful for all of you x I hope that memory is one she forgets soon as it must be awful to relive x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Aww bless you x hope it helped. X I spent a lot of my time crying x
At least I have a deadline to returning mum back to the carers ! seriously how long can you do this for lovely?
Your Mum is aggressive & confused mostly, what life is that for you? my marriage almost disintegrated under the past few years of dementia crisis’s.

I think the reality of the situation is hard to see when you are living it daily. the exhaustion & emotion alone destroyed my ability to assess the reality of the situation

please get some respite care & take time out. It’s much needed!
Xxx
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,236
Please, please @annielou make a New Year resolution you get your mum into respite as soon as possible. That way you can really take a deep breathe and take stock of what needs to be done. As things stand your mum, husband and you are deeply unhappy and whatever you do you can’t fix it in your own. Hugs to you. xxx
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,406
cornwall
Our Christmas has been **** i have cried so much there is a flood warning in our area.
Mum has excelled herself in the angry aggressive stakes as she was so mixed up she didn't know her **** from her elbow and apparently neither did I!!!
Everything i said was wrong.
I know that propably sound nasty and uncaring but I am so low and upset. I just want to rant and put it all down somewhere.
Christmas eve was hard work as I was the friend again and then when we arrived at my house mum went looking for me and would not accept anything hubby or I said, getting angry and upset.
Eventually she did slowly become calmer as day went on so by mid evening she had calmed and wasn't too bad. She slept ok overnight but unfortunately the pressure pad I put on her bed seemed to be clicking constantly when mum first went to bed so we didn't dare turn the chime on the reveiver on as it would be going all night. I think I had not got the placement right and she must have only just been on it. That meant I darent put my ear plugs in and hubby heavy breathed and snored his way through the night meaning I only got the odd ten minutes sleep and I was already tired from before so I was shattered on christmas morning and woke up teary.
Present opening went ok but after her shower mum was mixed up again thinking she was at my sisters with 'friend' and was ready to leave and going to my house. So we had an hour or so of confusion, anger and upset while I tried to prepare dinner.
Dinner went ok though it was pretty quiet, but an hour or so after lunch mum was questioning and getting annoyed again.
Hubby went to lie down with a thumping head late afternoon and for the hour and half he was up there mum was asking if he was ill, had he took some tablets, should she ring Andie and hubby to take her home as she yet again thought we were the friends. She was mixed up and upset because she couldn't remember where she was and so was I. When hubby got up and had something to eat as he hadnt wanted tea earlier, he was friends hubby and she asked him same things, still not believing either of us for long.
Then she wanted go to the loo so I took her up and then ten minutes later she wanted to go again (ongoing bowel trouble) when she came out of loo she got her bags from spare room and when I asked why, she said she thought she was going home. That sparked an argument with her saying she was at my sisters and she was going home, which I said no mum we're staying here again today, to which she started shouting about not staying here and going to Andies (me) I snapped that I was Andie, so then she was going home because I shouted at her, then it was because she wanted go to loo and didn't want to go here.
Apparently she had been suffering with constipation ALL day and been up and down to loo since the morning. Which was not true but we are liars and if we didn't take her home she would go alone. Then she was back to leaving because I had shouted so eventually we ended up giving in and in floods of tears I packed my things back up to and hubby drove mum and I back to mums at ten o'clock and hubby went back home alone.
There was more mixed up questioning and aggression telling me I was wrong when we were back at mums and more hiding in thr loo in floods of tears for me.
This morning mum was very subdued and asking if I still liked her and why she had shouted at me last night, she thought she had upset me but didnt know why. She was sorry and worried I wouldn't look after her now and hubby wouldn't let her come to our house anymore and would hate her. It was very sad and I felt very sorry for her.
After our showers she was back in her usual aggressive after shower state and grumpy with everything I said until I helped her put her christmas presents away and hubby came to pick us up for our house.
She was quiet for first hour here over lunch which she enjoyed but then she started asking about her tablets for UTI as yesterday and today she has said its stinging when she wees and she has decided I am giving her the antibiotics wrong as she is POSITIVE she should have two at a time because she ALWAYS does that and I never have tablets so I don't know anything about them and she will take care of her own prescriptions in future!
And now I'm back to being the friend and her asking me where our Andrea is.
Hubby is really sad and fed up and is worried about me. He was really upset and worried during my constant crying yesterday and says we can't go on like this. He really wanted me to stay with him for Christmas and was upset he was left alone last night and I had to stay with mum while mum and I were so upset.
I’m so sorry you have had a bad Christmas.
I know you are trying to help your mum and keep her home .But something has got to give and to be honest it looks like you have reached carers breakdown..

I know you said your mum doesn’t want carers in her home ,but to be honest I think you have reached that now. Your husband is worried about you . He has been supporting you a lot and you have been supporting your mum. But it takes more than 1person to do that.I know she has a UTI and hopefully things will improve. Please try to organise respite for you .Either carers into your mum or respite into a care home. Tbh I’m not sure how much more you can take. Be kind to yourself.((hugs))
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,216
I’m so sorry you have had a bad Christmas.
I know you are trying to help your mum and keep her home .But something has got to give and to be honest it looks like you have reached carers breakdown..

I know you said your mum doesn’t want carers in her home ,but to be honest I think you have reached that now. Your husband is worried about you . He has been supporting you a lot and you have been supporting your mum. But it takes more than 1person to do that.I know she has a UTI and hopefully things will improve. Please try to organise respite for you .Either carers into your mum or respite into a care home. Tbh I’m not sure how much more you can take. Be kind to yourself.((hugs))
I agree with other posters, this situation is becoming untenable. You are so on edge waiting for the next mood swing, you're unable to see the wood for the trees. Your mum needs a whole team looking after her, this is more than you and your husband should be coping with. This is about what your mum needs, not what she wants.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,699
South East
Me too agreeing here @annielou , what you are doing is admirable but it isn’t sustainable in its current form , we all know how hard it will be but you have to do something , you can’t shoulder this all alone . As others have said arrange carers in her home and you can be there to get them all used to each other for a little while if you feel you want to , take mum to day centre, or respite but you cannot go on like this and it isn’t fair on any of you , your hubby sounds like a saint. Please, you need to take a step back and look at the situation , talk to your sister and see what she is prepared to do ,what would you advise someone else in your situation ? We are worried about you and have your best interest at heart as does your hubby . As hard as this is to say , your mum is as good today as she will ever be . You have a life too that needs to be lived . Thinking of you and sending a great big squishy hug. X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,223
South coast
I think your husband is right - you cant go on like this.
Believe me, carers breakdown is no joke.

I know you want to keep your mum at home, but the way things are standing no-one is happy, your mum least of all. Once someone with dementia reaches the stage that they no longer recognise their surroundings then there is no comfort in familiarity. It is now about what your mum needs and what she needs is is to be looked after, round the clock, by a whole team of people who are not stressed, tired and weepy.

Take it from me - get your mum into respite while you rest, clear your head and work out a strategy for the future (which might be residential care)
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,060
Yorkshire
Thank you for your replies, they mean a lot xxx
I felt bad and moany for ranting and guilty, very guilty and totally inadequate as a carer and a daughter.
I am so tired I just want to go sleep and not wake up. But I can't do that cos what will happen to mum then.
**** as I am I'm all she's got and she can't cope on her own.
My sister can't look after mum all the time because she's miles away and she has her own responsibilities and problems and mums brothers cant help her they too have their own problems and aren't really close.
SS didn't offer much help other than respite which I could use although I'm scared what it will be like for her and us. I don't know what to look for to find a good place as have to arrange it ourselves even finding homes and getting there to look round is awkward as I'm with mum all the time.
There was no carer visits put on the care plan SW said because mum didn't want them and I was there so no point. They would only offer 3 1/2 hour visits anyway which wouldn't help me.
Hubby and I can't afford to pay for private carers so our only option is for mum to pay for them. She can't afford to pay much for them either as she only has pension and pension credit and little savings. She doesn't want them so probably won't agree to pay for them and I feel like I'd be doing wrong by paying for them with her money but I did say to mum a while ago she would have to accept outside help and after she went back on trying a day centre I told her it would have be a carer at her home. I am hoping to arrange that in new year but mum will have to pay for it and can only afford a couple of hours a week if I can arrange it and it won't give me much time away. It won't mean I can go home overnight or do much at all as it takes about an hour one way on two buses between mum and my house so mainly I'd be paying to travel. I can't decide when to arrange the time as I think it will have to be same time every week. Silly as it sounds even deciding and arranging that seems too hard at the moment. I'm pathetic.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,699
South East
You are NOT pathetic @annie Lou , you are AMAZING ! You also are very tired and worn out ,please stop beating yourself up , where would your mum be without you the last few weeks /months . I know how hard it is to put these things in place , I am actually scared to put mum in to the care of someone else , daft I know . I am going to arrange it in the next couple of weeks . How comes it all falls to you ? You are entitled to a life too ! If all of your siblings did a little each it would be better for everyone , seems they are happy for you to do it all. We all have families , kids, work etc etc and you are doing it all alone , You need a rest desperately . Sending a big squishy hug to you . X
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,699
South East
sorry I just re read your post and realised you said your mum’s brothers not yours . I take all that back . You shouldn’t be even considering paying for your mums possible carers . If your mum was to go in to respite she would be assessed and maybe a medication review would pick up something that could help Mum be calmer and less anxious and that could only be a good thing , def food for thought . Please be kind to yourself , you sound an amazing daughter , you have put your whole life on hold for your mum , not many people could /would do that . You are a special person. X[/QUOTE]
 
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