Sorry to hear that your visits to your mum have been shortened @annielou . It sounds like the manager is sympathetic, but has to follow the " guidance". I can't understand really why the visits have to be shorter now, you are still spending time indoors with your mum and I can't see that it matters to the home if you are there for 45 minutes or 5 hours. If anything I would have thought it would help the home to know someone is keeping an eye on your mum. I hope that you have a good visit today and expect your mum will be sleeping for much of the time when you're not there, so won't be aware of the day dragging.
Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!
- Thread starter annielou
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@annielou I was right where you are with my Mum in a care home, deteriorating quickly, and trying to come to terms with the fact that the end was near. I had even called the funeral home to start to prepare myself for that eventuality. it had been a few days with no eating or drinking, just lemon swabs for her mouth and she was literally taking what I thought would be her last breaths when she suddenly latched on to a swab and started sucking for dear life (literally). In spite of the fear of choking I slowly gave her some thickened juice , eventually some pudding and within a few days she had recovered from whatever was ailing her. It has been almost 2 years now and of course the dementia is running it's course and she is in late ,late stages now. The reason for me telling you this is so that you don't get ahead of yourself in grieving for your mother while she is still here, as that is what I had fallen into. Whatever the outcome , spend this time, even 45 minutes a day, just being with her, whether it is just holding her hand and humming favourite songs, or lotioning all the reachable parts, stroking her hair or retelling happy memories. Don't get caught up in your sister's issues, or trying to plan ahead, or second guessing what you could have done differently or better. The love you have for your Mum comes through in every one of your posts, and you have done everything you could to keep her happy and safe. Its time for you to sit down and just enjoy the time you are given to spend with her. You are in my thoughts every day.
Upsetting visit to mum today, I went in feeling a bit optimistic as nurse let me in and told me mum had about 10 spoons of sorbet earlier that she had fed her. Mums mouth had been dry and it has been uncomfy for her swallowing drinks so she was trying to think of something that might soothe it. Nurse said she fed it mum and she had chatted to mum a bit and said she thought that might have eased mums throat a bit as was dry I told nurse mum had been dry and said mouth felt awful yesterday and I'd gave her few drinks some of which she just swished round held a minute and spit out to moisten mouth and a few she swallowed but winced when she did as she has been last few days. I was pleased mum had had something today and went in feeling a bit more optimistic. I said my usual hello mum it's me sort of thing but mum didn't say anything, she looked tired and had her mouth wide open. She was laid in bed and had her nightie up by her waist so when I'd took my coat off and sanitised I said Lets put your nightie down a bit mum, mum mumbled. I said Just lift your hands up for me but she didn't do anything so I touched her hands to lift them saying it again. Mum went Ohh and flinched a bit cos my hands were cold. I said Oh sorry mum my hands are cold again arent they and mum mm'd but open mouthed still. I put nightie down and said I'd warm my hands up and was rubbing them together. Mum didn't say anything or react to anything I said for few minutes I was rubbing hands.
Then I noticed her leg was between the mattress and the bed rail again, it had been there yesterday when I went in and I had lifted it out for her and put a pillow there and told carer as I left who had said she'd pad the gap but today there were pillows down the other side of bed and one under one leg but nothing in the gap on side her leg had been stuck yesterday and today. I pushed against side of mattress to free it and lifted mums leg up, she struggles to lift them herself so once down the gap if no one notices it'd be there till someone did. Mum didn't react to me moving leg at all, yesterday mum had said she'd not felt anything and it didn't hurt. Mum didn't look with it and I thought she was sleepy and shut her eyes. Carer popped in so I asked her if we could pad gap as mum had got leg stuck again so she went for another pillow and wedged one down in gap for mum.
I sat down and was holding mums hand and she was just laying there looking vacant and not really responding to me and drifting off to sleep I think. She kept her mouth open the whole time over next 15 minutes mum kept opening her eyes a little but not focussing on anything then shutting them again, she turned head a few times, moaned a few times, fidgeted her legs a couple of times and lifted her other hand a couple of times and squeezed the hand I was holding a couple of times. I asked her if she was ok and she just went Errr, I asked if she wanted a drink, lipsyl on and she said no but it was not clear as she still had her mouth open. When she moaned I asked if she hurt and she said mm then when I asked where she hurt mum just made a noise I couldn't understand so I said is it your tummy, do you feel sick, is it your back, is it your leg, is it your head and she made a noise like no each time and then rolled her head to side again and looked asleep. She still had her mouth open and was breathing a bit hissy and louder than normal. She flinched again and moaned a few times and I was a bit worried so I said I was going to go talk to nurse and mum sort of looked at me for a moment but didn't say anything.
I said it might just be me but mum wasn't really responding today and had said yes when I asked if hurt but then no when asked what so nurse came to see mum. She tapped mum on shoulder a few times and gently shook her while saying her name and asking if she was ok and saying your Andrea's here are you going to open your eyes for us. Mum barely opened her eyes or reacted, then nurse asked if she was ok and mum mm'd. She asked if mum was in pain and mum made a no noise so nurse asked if she was tired and mum made a yes noise. She asked if mum wanted a drink or anything and mum said No a bit more understandable that time, then turned her head to side and shut her eyes and looked like was asleep. Nurse said mum could just be tired she could have worn herself out earlier having sorbet and had been ok with her not full on conversation but reacting and responding to her. She said mum is very poorly and people do get really tired and sleepy and their mouths do get dry and tend to slacken and open more, it could be mum getting worse and people do go up and down so might not be. She said it's hard to tell but they would keep an eye on her and if she was in pain they would give her something to help. I said I don't want her to be in pain and I wanted to just check before I left cos I'm not there long today so I'd wanted to ask and them see her while I was there so I knew what they thought before I left.
I only had 10 minutes left with mum but she seemed to settle a bit as if asleep and then it was time for me to go and she opened her eyes though still didn't exactly focus on me. I told her I had to go now as not allowed to visit as long so I'd have to go but I'd be back tomorrow. Mum made an OK noise, I asked if she wanted a drink before I left she said no. I put my coat on and was chatting about seeing her tomorrow and telling her I love her lots and then she looked right at me and focussed so I touched her hands again and told her I loved her, she murmured something but I don't know what. I asked mum if she wanted anything and she said no, I asked if she was ok and she said mm, I said if you need something mum ask nurse when they come in and tell them if you feel bad and she said mm. I told her I loved her again and I'd see her tomorrow and she watched me go to door where I blew her a kiss and she sort of smiled still with her mouth open.
I had a little chat with nurse on my way out about how mum had been last few days and if deteriorating and she said they'd keep going in and checking her and would look after her for me. She was nurse who had seen mum friday and thought mum had dipped. I said mum had not been good sunday but seemed bit better monday and not bad but not quite as good while there yesterday but I'd only been there a short time. Nurse said she thought mum was bit brighter yesterday and this morning. She was saying it's hard to tell if dipping or going up and down and also hard to tell how long would be but they'd keep eye on mum and look after her for me. I said it was harder cos I can't be there as long now and I just worry when I'm not with her, she said I could ring anytime before bed or whatever to see how was and they'd let me know. I was crying a bit as I left, I hate leaving her there alone.
Then I noticed her leg was between the mattress and the bed rail again, it had been there yesterday when I went in and I had lifted it out for her and put a pillow there and told carer as I left who had said she'd pad the gap but today there were pillows down the other side of bed and one under one leg but nothing in the gap on side her leg had been stuck yesterday and today. I pushed against side of mattress to free it and lifted mums leg up, she struggles to lift them herself so once down the gap if no one notices it'd be there till someone did. Mum didn't react to me moving leg at all, yesterday mum had said she'd not felt anything and it didn't hurt. Mum didn't look with it and I thought she was sleepy and shut her eyes. Carer popped in so I asked her if we could pad gap as mum had got leg stuck again so she went for another pillow and wedged one down in gap for mum.
I sat down and was holding mums hand and she was just laying there looking vacant and not really responding to me and drifting off to sleep I think. She kept her mouth open the whole time over next 15 minutes mum kept opening her eyes a little but not focussing on anything then shutting them again, she turned head a few times, moaned a few times, fidgeted her legs a couple of times and lifted her other hand a couple of times and squeezed the hand I was holding a couple of times. I asked her if she was ok and she just went Errr, I asked if she wanted a drink, lipsyl on and she said no but it was not clear as she still had her mouth open. When she moaned I asked if she hurt and she said mm then when I asked where she hurt mum just made a noise I couldn't understand so I said is it your tummy, do you feel sick, is it your back, is it your leg, is it your head and she made a noise like no each time and then rolled her head to side again and looked asleep. She still had her mouth open and was breathing a bit hissy and louder than normal. She flinched again and moaned a few times and I was a bit worried so I said I was going to go talk to nurse and mum sort of looked at me for a moment but didn't say anything.
I said it might just be me but mum wasn't really responding today and had said yes when I asked if hurt but then no when asked what so nurse came to see mum. She tapped mum on shoulder a few times and gently shook her while saying her name and asking if she was ok and saying your Andrea's here are you going to open your eyes for us. Mum barely opened her eyes or reacted, then nurse asked if she was ok and mum mm'd. She asked if mum was in pain and mum made a no noise so nurse asked if she was tired and mum made a yes noise. She asked if mum wanted a drink or anything and mum said No a bit more understandable that time, then turned her head to side and shut her eyes and looked like was asleep. Nurse said mum could just be tired she could have worn herself out earlier having sorbet and had been ok with her not full on conversation but reacting and responding to her. She said mum is very poorly and people do get really tired and sleepy and their mouths do get dry and tend to slacken and open more, it could be mum getting worse and people do go up and down so might not be. She said it's hard to tell but they would keep an eye on her and if she was in pain they would give her something to help. I said I don't want her to be in pain and I wanted to just check before I left cos I'm not there long today so I'd wanted to ask and them see her while I was there so I knew what they thought before I left.
I only had 10 minutes left with mum but she seemed to settle a bit as if asleep and then it was time for me to go and she opened her eyes though still didn't exactly focus on me. I told her I had to go now as not allowed to visit as long so I'd have to go but I'd be back tomorrow. Mum made an OK noise, I asked if she wanted a drink before I left she said no. I put my coat on and was chatting about seeing her tomorrow and telling her I love her lots and then she looked right at me and focussed so I touched her hands again and told her I loved her, she murmured something but I don't know what. I asked mum if she wanted anything and she said no, I asked if she was ok and she said mm, I said if you need something mum ask nurse when they come in and tell them if you feel bad and she said mm. I told her I loved her again and I'd see her tomorrow and she watched me go to door where I blew her a kiss and she sort of smiled still with her mouth open.
I had a little chat with nurse on my way out about how mum had been last few days and if deteriorating and she said they'd keep going in and checking her and would look after her for me. She was nurse who had seen mum friday and thought mum had dipped. I said mum had not been good sunday but seemed bit better monday and not bad but not quite as good while there yesterday but I'd only been there a short time. Nurse said she thought mum was bit brighter yesterday and this morning. She was saying it's hard to tell if dipping or going up and down and also hard to tell how long would be but they'd keep eye on mum and look after her for me. I said it was harder cos I can't be there as long now and I just worry when I'm not with her, she said I could ring anytime before bed or whatever to see how was and they'd let me know. I was crying a bit as I left, I hate leaving her there alone.
Sorry to hear that you had such an upsetting visit @annielou . I imagine there must be a good reason why you can't spend more time with your mum in her room, but I really don't know what it can be.
The staff obviously think a lot of your mum and will take care of your mum whilst you're not there. Sending hugs to you and all your family xx
The staff obviously think a lot of your mum and will take care of your mum whilst you're not there. Sending hugs to you and all your family xx
Thanks for replies @Sarasa @Banjomansmate @anxious annie xxx Nurse rang a little while ago and said mum seemed a bit brighter since teatime. She said mum hadn't said much and didn't want anything to eat but she said her eyes were open and she was bit more with it. Nurse said she wanted to let me know as she knew I was worried so I told her thank you. It was nice of her to ring and let me know mum was bit brighter.
I'm not sure what the difference is in me being there 45 minutes and a few hours, my sister thinks avoids a longer transmission time maybe, I still touch mum, give her drinks etc and still have to pass the same people in passing on the corridor to get to mums room, still need to go find staff if mum needs something and when I need to leave. I don't blame the staff at the home, they are just doing as been told but it does seem a daft idea to me but then again I don't know about virus control.
My sister still doesn't think she can cope with going to see mum as she is, I tell her how mum is when I go but she doesn't talk that much about it other than that and I tend to mainly go out of the room to cry when I feel it welling up unless it's while I'm saying how mum was today and don't have time to leave. Making dinner for us all, finding things for us all to watch etc has given me something else to think about a bit instead of constantly sitting worrying about mum, or at least a bit of the time.
I'm not sure what the difference is in me being there 45 minutes and a few hours, my sister thinks avoids a longer transmission time maybe, I still touch mum, give her drinks etc and still have to pass the same people in passing on the corridor to get to mums room, still need to go find staff if mum needs something and when I need to leave. I don't blame the staff at the home, they are just doing as been told but it does seem a daft idea to me but then again I don't know about virus control.
My sister still doesn't think she can cope with going to see mum as she is, I tell her how mum is when I go but she doesn't talk that much about it other than that and I tend to mainly go out of the room to cry when I feel it welling up unless it's while I'm saying how mum was today and don't have time to leave. Making dinner for us all, finding things for us all to watch etc has given me something else to think about a bit instead of constantly sitting worrying about mum, or at least a bit of the time.
Its a tough time for you, so Im topping up your
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Nurse called this morning asked if i was coming in today. Todays nurse thought mum had deteriorated since she last saw her cuple days ago. She sed mum wasnt really responding and sometimes had eyes open but not really talking and her mouth still open. I talked about how mum was yesterday and said I wondered if mum had had a mini stroke or seizure or just deteriorated. She didn’t know I had only been allowed 45 minutes cos wasnt aware yet rules had changed so went to check I could go for longer today as mum deteriorated now and could be near end although her breathing is still ok she is worse., the manager said I could so I came about half ten.
Mum was flinching and making ow type noise a little after i came and i asked if in pain and mum mmd so i told staff and nurse gave her some morphine. She was uncomfy and hip hurt later so they came and turned and moved mum.
Mum tries talk a bit but cant quite manage, she has managed odd word but its very hard to tell what saying. Closing her mouth seems really hard for her. She is a bit fidgety but mainly just sitting with eyes open looking to side occassionaly closing them as if might nod or trying to look at me. She tries answer me a bit when i ask her things but cant really and looks frustrated.
Mum was fidgeting a bit and grabbing her sheet and I asked if wanted wee mum mmd and tried talkin but couldn't proper. She kept oohing and looked panicked like might be weeing so i asked and mum said yes. She had pad on but was uncomfy n panicking bout it so I went find someone but when carers came change her they said it was dry but changed anyway and moved her as said base of bottom where resting was red and mum seemed to settle a bit then.
Its hard seeing her look stuck when tries say something and cant and cant move far to get comfy. She has smiled a bit a few times at odd things I’ve said but mainly just looks off a bit and either looks like shes asleep but with eyes part open or fidgets a bit. I don’t want to talk too much n keep her awake if nodding but I’m not sure if she is. Also I don’t really know what to say, she tries reply and can’t. She’s holding my hand a lot so at least I’m here but bet she is bored
Mum was flinching and making ow type noise a little after i came and i asked if in pain and mum mmd so i told staff and nurse gave her some morphine. She was uncomfy and hip hurt later so they came and turned and moved mum.
Mum tries talk a bit but cant quite manage, she has managed odd word but its very hard to tell what saying. Closing her mouth seems really hard for her. She is a bit fidgety but mainly just sitting with eyes open looking to side occassionaly closing them as if might nod or trying to look at me. She tries answer me a bit when i ask her things but cant really and looks frustrated.
Mum was fidgeting a bit and grabbing her sheet and I asked if wanted wee mum mmd and tried talkin but couldn't proper. She kept oohing and looked panicked like might be weeing so i asked and mum said yes. She had pad on but was uncomfy n panicking bout it so I went find someone but when carers came change her they said it was dry but changed anyway and moved her as said base of bottom where resting was red and mum seemed to settle a bit then.
Its hard seeing her look stuck when tries say something and cant and cant move far to get comfy. She has smiled a bit a few times at odd things I’ve said but mainly just looks off a bit and either looks like shes asleep but with eyes part open or fidgets a bit. I don’t want to talk too much n keep her awake if nodding but I’m not sure if she is. Also I don’t really know what to say, she tries reply and can’t. She’s holding my hand a lot so at least I’m here but bet she is bored
I’m sorry @annielou ? Sending lots of hugs . Perhaps don’t ask questions but just chat about anything she can just listen to , she will drop off if she wants /needs to . Just being there is comforting to her . Glad they have moved Mum off painful bit. You are doing amazing just go with your instincts which have been right . Pleased they are letting you stay longer but please look after yourself too .❤️????
This all seems to have happened so quickly, it seems like hardly anytime since your Mum was still at home. Don't worry about doing the 'right' thing, there is no rule book for this situation. You are with her and that is what matters. I agree about playing some music, it might relax you as well as your Mum. Thinking of you, take care
Thanks @Sarasa @Woo2 @canary @anxious annie @notsogooddtr xxxxx
I left CH about 1/4 to 4 this afternoon, the nurse came in just before to check on mum and rolled her onto side, she was asking how mum was and she said she thought mum had stabilised now and said did I want to go home and she'd call if there was any change. I asked mum if she wanted me to stay and mum said mm so I said I'll stay a while. Nurse was asking how mum was and I was saying mum was feeling a bit funny, maybe cos of morphine and nurse asked mum if felt she funny and was the room spinning a bit and mum mm'd. Nurse asked if mum had been asleep, I said not properly she had looked like starting to nod a few times then hadn't and she asked mum if she wanted to sleep and mum mm'd. Nurse said mum might sleep better if she was on her own and maybe she was trying to stay awake for me. I asked mum if she wanted to go to sleep and mum said mm so I said do you want me to go home so you can sleep proper and mum mm'd and nodded a tiny bit. So I said I could get hubby to pick me up and go home for a bit. Mum looked a bit undecided then so I said I can come back later or tomorrow after you've had a sleep and then mum looked to relax a bit and mm'd again.
I had said a few times during afternoon that mum could go to sleep if she wanted I'd just sit in chair and wait which I have said on other days and sometimes she does sleep but I don't know if she has not slept today because I was there or because she was unsettled or uncomfy but I decided to go with her latest mming when I asked if she wanted me to go and let her have a nap. So I left and hoped mum could try get a sleep even though I didn't like leaving her.
I think mum might have had a mini stroke yesterday and that may be why her mouth is mainly open now and she can't speak properly, it could be the alzheimers progression but I think it may be that. Whatever it is it's made it harder to for mum to say what is wrong or what she wants and now means she can't even chat a little which is awful for her. I'm not sure how she is really now, it's hard to tell. I'm not sure what they'll say about visiting tomorrow I suppose I'll just have to see what tomorrow brings and what they say.
I left CH about 1/4 to 4 this afternoon, the nurse came in just before to check on mum and rolled her onto side, she was asking how mum was and she said she thought mum had stabilised now and said did I want to go home and she'd call if there was any change. I asked mum if she wanted me to stay and mum said mm so I said I'll stay a while. Nurse was asking how mum was and I was saying mum was feeling a bit funny, maybe cos of morphine and nurse asked mum if felt she funny and was the room spinning a bit and mum mm'd. Nurse asked if mum had been asleep, I said not properly she had looked like starting to nod a few times then hadn't and she asked mum if she wanted to sleep and mum mm'd. Nurse said mum might sleep better if she was on her own and maybe she was trying to stay awake for me. I asked mum if she wanted to go to sleep and mum said mm so I said do you want me to go home so you can sleep proper and mum mm'd and nodded a tiny bit. So I said I could get hubby to pick me up and go home for a bit. Mum looked a bit undecided then so I said I can come back later or tomorrow after you've had a sleep and then mum looked to relax a bit and mm'd again.
I had said a few times during afternoon that mum could go to sleep if she wanted I'd just sit in chair and wait which I have said on other days and sometimes she does sleep but I don't know if she has not slept today because I was there or because she was unsettled or uncomfy but I decided to go with her latest mming when I asked if she wanted me to go and let her have a nap. So I left and hoped mum could try get a sleep even though I didn't like leaving her.
I think mum might have had a mini stroke yesterday and that may be why her mouth is mainly open now and she can't speak properly, it could be the alzheimers progression but I think it may be that. Whatever it is it's made it harder to for mum to say what is wrong or what she wants and now means she can't even chat a little which is awful for her. I'm not sure how she is really now, it's hard to tell. I'm not sure what they'll say about visiting tomorrow I suppose I'll just have to see what tomorrow brings and what they say.
They are turning Mum regularly now ? That is better , should stop her getting quite as sore . I can understand she didn’t want to sleep while you were there so think you made the best decision to leave then and let her rest , not that you prob wanted to . Thinking of you and sending more hugs ?
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