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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,897
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth @jugglingmum xx
I keep hoping mum starts eating again and gets stronger. I wish I could do something to help but don’t know why she’s not eating and neither do CH, we think maybe because shes sad or upset and confused about being there and also got into habit of not eating much in hospital and now at CH, so now the thought of eating seems too much for mum to try.
I take mum a bag with biscuits crisps and chocolates each week which she keeps in her room and has been eating some of those but thats about all the dietician said, although we’re not sure exactly how much and mum told me last saturday she’d gone off them and wasn’t bothered bout me taking more. I’m still going to keep taking a bag though and hope she eats them.
Mum is on 200mg sertraline and now 20mg memantine too, she was more anxious at home, and also agitated, the home don’t seem to think she’s anxious and agitated much there, just low in mood. Like you say I think she was more aware she should be doing things at home but didnt remember how or what to do when and that stress has been taken away now she’s in the CH.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
549
0
Or it could be the memantine? Honestly it’s had a really settling effect on my mum. Prior to taking it we had delusions, shouting and generally difficult behaviour, now mum is calm but gets excited like a child!!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,897
0
Yorkshire
Or it could be the memantine? Honestly it’s had a really settling effect on my mum. Prior to taking it we had delusions, shouting and generally difficult behaviour, now mum is calm but gets excited like a child!!
It could be memantine yes. Mum had only taken first tablet the day she went out on her own and we took her to hospital, it didn't seem to be having effect on her wanting to leave and getting upset and angry in hospital but after two weeks there and bit of time in home she started to be calmer so could have been starting to have effect along with some of things that show mum she has problems and doesn't remember being taken away in the CH setting. x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,897
0
Yorkshire
Another ok visit with mum today, she was waiting for us when we arrived and was pleased to see us and recognised us again.
Mum didn't have her cardi on today so I could see her arms which are terribly thin and the skin is loose on but her bruises from last fall couple of weeks ago have gone now and it doesn't look like she has any from this weeks fall, on her arms at least. Mum told us her bruises had gone and held her arms out to show us and also told us her arms were skinny. I told her that's cos she's not eating and told her to eat and then she'd fatten up and she wouldn't be as wobbly. Mum said I am wobbly. Bless her she knows she's skinny and wobbly and not eating. I told her we'd brought another sandwich and more goodys today and she said thank you. Later on we joked about how I buy goodys for her and am tempted to buy us some to so hubby and I are eating chocolate at home too and Mum said it'd fatten us up. I said I didn't need to fatten up so mum said Give them to hubby and we said he didn't need fattening up either and joked we'd look like father christmas with his big tummy soon. I also told her to fatten up so when I could go in to see her I could give her a hug and not hurt her.
Mum had asked us if we were coming in and asked carer if she could let us in when we first arrived and carer and us said we couldn't but we'd chat through window. I made mum laugh by crouching down to her height as she was sat in chair and I was bobbing up and down saying I'd invented a new exercise.
I noticed mums lips were a bit red especially top one and mum said it was bit sore, I asked if she'd been licking or sucking it and mum said yeah cos it was dry. I said You could do with putting some lipsyl on. Mum said Oh I could have got one in boots, I didn't never thought of it. Not sure when last time mum went to boots was 🤔:) I thought maybe she might have one in the handbag she has there and mum said She'd not thought to look. I'm not sure if she had one in bag or not and when thought about it I doubt she'd remember to look after visit was over and if if started looking for it she'd probably forget half way through what she was looking for as that's what she did at home bless her, so I told mum I'd drop her one off later.
Mum asked what we were doing today and when I said going for our shopping, like last week mum asked if we were getting her some shopping and told me to make sure I got some money out to pay for it so I just agreed. She asked if I'd heard owt about her coming home so I said no, and mum said she hadn't either and said she wondered if they not telling her. I just shrugged and changed subject and she was fine with it.
She told us bit later she hadn't seen her brothers for a while and didn't know whereabouts they were, but she said it in a way that sounded like she thought they were there with her just not nearby now.
Mum asked would she see me tomorrow and I said I didn't think so, she said When will I see you next? I said I'll keep coming on Saturday every week like this till I can come in and see you more, she seemed happy with that and said ok. Mum said it was a shame people couldn't see other people and there was nothing for people to do. We agreed and said hopefully it'd be over soon.
She asked if I'd seen O (her boss at job she got after her and dad split up) I said No. Mum said He's supposed to be on holiday but he's been gone 4 months and that's not like him he's normally not good just being two feet away from work. I said Maybe he's retired. Mum said Nobodys seen him, maybe its because I'm not there. I said Maybe they've given it up now their star worker you isn't there. Mum smiled and laughed at that and moved on to asking hubby if he was still working and chatted about him working from home.
I showed mum a few more photos of her great grandson on my phone and told her I'd printed the ones I'd shown her last week and put them in her goody bag and she was happy with that. She looked a bit confused at one point when chatting about him looking tall on one of pics and I said its surprising as - and - (his mum and dad) are both small. I used their names and mum looked puzzled who I meant,sometimes mum forgets whose baby he is so I explained Our - and her husband -, his mum and dad, are both small aren't they. Mum caught on then and agreed Our - has always been short.
The walking lady was up and down corridor again today and came and asked mum a few times if she was ok and once pointed at hubby and I and asked mum if we were together and were we ok so mum told her we were. A carer was passing one time and so she said Shall we go this way - and took her hand, walking lady said What about her? (mum) so carer said She's having a visit so she'll come later and walked with her down corridor. If they're passing while she's walking or if see her hanging around door while we're visiting they will come and offer her their hand and walk off with her. All the staff I've seen there even though it's only in passing are really nice and friendly and gentle with the people there which does make me feel a bit better about mum being there. The last time walking lady came and asked mum if she was ok after she'd walked away Mum said She's no idea what's she's doing she's a bit mental and gets on my nerves a bit and rolled her eyes and smiled. Mum was nice to her when she spoke to her though. Last week mum had told us she felt sorry for her and given us a tale how she had nothign and her mum and dad took all her money but she didn't mention that this week.
A minute later after mum told us walking lady was bit mental there was a noise like an alarm or something but quite quiet and mum looked over her shoulder and pointed in direction of some doors to a room, I think dining room, there was someone sat just inside the doors and mum said That'll set her off, she'll start squealing and screeching soon she does this, Mum did a little screechy noise like this person apparently makes and then mum said It gets on yer nerves, I told em she's doing my head in. Then rolled her eyes again and laughed so hubby and I did too.
We had a few laughs and chatted a bit about odd little bits and bobs and mum seemed in quite a good mood, even her moaning was done gently and with a smile or laugh, but we were only there about 15 minutes today. Mum mentioned going after about ten minutes but I said we'd no need to go yet we'd come to see her and were happy to stay longer so we chatted a bit more but then she said it again after another five minutes and said it was nearly time for lunch and stood up. I thought better to leave while she's still happy rather than keep asking her to stay so I said Okay and asked her to get someone to buzz us out. Hubby and I thought mum stood up a bit easier this week than last week where she struggled and barely had strength. Mum went out in corridor but couldn't see anyone so I said It's ok we'll chat a bit longer till someone comes, but then a carer came by and Mum said can you let them out. So carer came and asked if we were going now and said she'd buzz us out so we said bye and love you lots to mum and blew each other a kiss and waved bye as we left.
I think us standing outside in coats makes mum think we're on our way somewhere, or she's keeping us. Unfortunately we can't not wear coats at minute as its freezing, or have chairs as really not room for them on our side of entrance door and I think it's more the being outside and not coming in that makes things feel like just passing and not stopping, plus mum can't concentrate for very long. Its a shame the visits are so quick but at least she was happy to see us and in quite a good mood.
While we were out collecting our shopping and things after seeing mum we got mum a lipsyl and called back at care home for me to drop it off for her. After we got home I thought I might have forgotten to tell carer who answered buzzer and took lipsyl off me who it was for. 🤦‍♀️ I'm hoping she'll figure it out. 🤞When I pressed buzzer I just said can I drop something off for my mum and when I handed her it I said Its just a lipsyl cos I noticed mums lips were dry when I visited this morning and I told her I'd drop her one off. She said thanks and she'd pass it on and then we said bye and she buzzed to let me out and she said thanks and bye over buzzer too. She didn't ask me who it was for so I'm hoping she knows.
I normally say who I'm bringing things for and put mums name on things but cos I'd just bought the lipsyl I hadn't wrote name on and am pretty sure I didn't say mums name this time. Carer didn't ask me who it was for so I'm hoping either she knew cos she has seen me with mum before, or if she doesn't she might be able to work out who my mum is cos she knows all other residents relatives, or knows who had visitors this morning. I've not been inside the care home yet and mums not been there that long but most of the other residents have so she'd probably be used to them and I have dropped things off for mum most weeks since mum's been there and am pretty sure I've seen this carer before, maybe even this morning as a few walked by while we visited and waved or smiled at us. I did think of ringing and saying I'd dropped it off and who it was for in case they didn't know but I think she'll have figured it out. I'm a wally though, fancy not saying:rolleyes: Early signs I'm following mum with alzheimers, menopause moments, or just a dippy doris 🤔
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,363
0
That sounds like a great visit, and though it's a worry that she isn't eating as much as she should your mum sounds so much better than she did at home. I'm sure the carers knew who the lipsyl was for or she'd have asked you, or at least I hope she'd have asked you!
Fingers crossed the vaccine starts rolling out soon and you can visit the home properly, get to know all the other residents and carers and see your mum's room.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,762
0
Bedford
So glad you had a ok visit with some laughs and some chatting. I am sure the Carer will have got the lipsyl to your Mum. The Carers do seem to pick up new faces quickly. It is such a shame that there is no where for youth to sit as I am sure as you say that your Mum thinks you are just passing by quickly rather than visiting.
Have the Home mentioned anything going forward?
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
725
0
It sounds like a very good visit @annielou , your mum seems happy and good she is recognising you. The care home staff seem very caring too. Hopefully we can have indoor visits soon.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
556
0
I'm sure they knew who it was for! They would have said if not! Try to give yourself a break from stressing, easier said than done, I know...
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,762
0
Bedford
Just wondering if you were able to visit your Mum this week.
I think there will still need to be a screened indoor area even if vaccinations are done soon. It does all seem to depend on local government area decisions (and politics played unfortunately) and care homes policies as to the type of visits available. I think even more frustrating.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,897
0
Yorkshire
Yes hubby and I visited Mum again on saturday through the glass door thanks @Bikerbeth x It was quite upsetting, especially at start of visit as mum looked thinner and weaker and her top lip looked really red and sore and she looked quite sad and confused.
She said her lip was sore but didn't know where her lipsyl was, she had been putting it on sometimes buts forgets and she couldn't remember where it was. She looked in her pocket but it wasn't there, she had a fiver in her pocket though, not sure why. I made a joke saying we needed to put it on a chain round her neck to use. Then I suggested she look in her room later and she said she would. She kept licking her lips as people do when they're dry and sore but it makes them sorer and her lip looked much worse than last week, it was red almost up to her nose. Mum said someone had told her it looked sore that morning and asked her if she had any cream for it and mum had told her she didn't know where it was. Doesn't sound like they helped her find it though, or that staff have been reminding her to use it.
Mum said she was coming home later that day and then she was asking about when she was coming home and talking about not wanting to be there and when I said usual about how she couldn't come home yet, DRs wanted her to stay longer still, she asked How long? so I said I didn't know. Mum said Nobody tells me anything here.
Mum didn't have her glasses on and the nurse who'd brought her to us at the door fetched her them a few minutes after she'd sat down. Mum said she keeps losing them, she said she keeps taking them off cos they annoy her. I noticed how thin her nose is now so I think maybe they slip or hurt her now as not much padding on her nose. They look quite scratched on the frames and I think they are her new glasses that we got her when she was first in home as the others were scratched from when she fell when she went off on her own trying to find home and ended up in hospital, but I think with her keep falling since she's been not eating in Care Home and also putting them down these new ones are now scratched too. She had another fall on friday, the nurse who rang me friday said mum hadn't hurt herself and didn't have any injuries. That's 4 falls in just over 6 weeks which is very worrying.
Mum said she's thin and she just can't eat, she can't get anything in and she just doesn't fancy anything. She said someone had given her a blue riband that morning (her fave before CH) and she couldn't even face that. She was holding her head and looking sad and fed up and I felt so sad and was really struggling to keep positive and bright. I asked hubby to say something for a minute as I was starting to cry and was finding it hard to smile though it and sound positive and wanted a minute to wipe my eyes without mum noticing but hubby couldn't think what to say as he was struggling too. He said after that I hid it well and still sounded bright even though I was upset and mum didn't seem to notice luckily. I pretended to rub my eye and told mum I had made it run just in case she saw the tears starting, mum believed it and was talking about that which gave me a minute to pull myself together and break the mood and we managed to cheer things up a bit and we got her chatting better and even had her laughing a few times after that.
After about 15 minutes mum said she'd let us go so I told her we weren't in a rush and had come to see her which she seemed happy with and we stayed another 10 minutes before she said she best go back in and got up to go. I made her laugh one of the times she licked her lip and said it was sore cos I asked her if it was red from too much snogging. She snorted laughing at that and said I don't do none of that, don't have much chance I don't see much of him now (meaning my dad) so I said well that's a good thing and mum said Aye it is we don't want see him do we and both hubby and I agreed and said No. Mum was still laughing about snogging for a few minutes afterwards. I also had her laughing a couple of times at me bobbing down to same level as her and doing my hunch back impressions.
We chatted bit about hubbys work, if we'd seen his mum and dad and sister and if we'd seen my sister. I showed her pic of snow sis had woke up to on friday and we were talking about weather when mum spotted a bird on top of a tree in CH garden It was a magpie on it's own which was all we needed as we have enough sorrow at moment but then we spotted its mate in another tree. We were talking bout that and I said there are lots of trees in the garden and mum said We sat outside sometimes and its nice cos there's always lots of birds and things. That's one of very few positive things mum has ever said about the CH.
At one point mum asked what was in her bag this week, so I told her about her magazines and then told her about the sweets and biscuits and crisps I'd put in this week. I said I want you to have eaten everything by time I bring you another bag next week Mum laughed and said I'll be out here and held her hands out far in front of her. Hubby and I both said Good!. Mum said It'll have cost a bomb. Hubby said We're not bothered we just want you to eat it. Mum nodded and smiled but I don't know when she will start eating again which is just so sad.
The visit turned round after first sad bit and at least we had mum smiling, chatting and laughing a bit and she looked happier at the end than she did at beginning but it was so sad to see her looking so thin weak and her mouth sore and hear her talking about not being able to eat and wanting to go home.
After we'd been at CH visiting mum we went to her house in the afternoon to do some more sorting and cleaning and it felt awful going through her things throwing things away and emptying her house knowing she can't come home when she thinks it will be soon.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
549
0
I don’t know what I would do in a similar situation.
I think I would be phoning the home about her lip, definitely. You need to tell them that if anything like lip salve , clothing etc is required it will be brought as soon as possible. Just let them know that you are aware of the problem and mum needs support in dealing with it. The problem is you don’t know what’s going on.....perhaps they are using it but mum is not responding....maybe questions need to be asked.
As for eating, again are they giving you a weekly report on her weight? This might stop you worrying. You may not have power of attorney but you are her next of Kin so I think you can ask.
There was something on the tv and I thought if you. A girl was visiting her mum and dad in a home and had to gyrate her body and stick her bottom out in the air just to speak through the crack in the window! Hopefully things will start to get better
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
725
0
I'm glad that you managed to get your mum laughing, she obviously has a good sense of humour. It's really hard to see your mum looking sad and confused. You must feel quite helpless about the eating situation, but I'm sure the home are working on this, and you can continue to send in the treats your mum likes. Perhaps just mention the sore lips and ask if they'll prompt her to put on the lip balm. Things will be better when you can visit and spend quality time with your mum, hopefully with the vaccine it will happen shortly.
I can appreciate how hard it is sorting and clearing your mum's home, but she is in her new home now, all we can do is to make our mum's rooms look cheery , and full of photos of happy memories xx
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,363
0
It sounds like a bit of a mixed visit, but glad you and your mum can still have a laugh. I'm sure the home are working on her eating and trying to sort out her sore lip but maybe give them a call to let them know how concerned you are. Things will be so much better when you can visit properly. Then you'll be able to get a much better idea of things and get to know the other residents and staff.
Good luck with the house clearing. Do you have a date to hand back the keys? It's a horrible job, so I'm lending you my tough and heartless head that stood me in good stead when I had to sell my mum's place.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,762
0
Bedford
My heart goes out to you @annielou. So hard to see someone you love looking sad and confused but on the positive you had her smiling and laughing which is amazing based on the visiting situation you have. I hope that they can make a better environment very soon. Obviously it is still difficult with your Mum not eating and now the sore lip. As others have suggested have a word with the care home or perhaps your sister could mention it to them.
Clearing your Mum’s house is tough too especially after an emotional visit. I know I just wanted to get it over and done with but all made harder with the current COVID situation.
Lots of hugs to you 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,897
0
Yorkshire
Thanks for replies @Starting on a journey @anxious annie @Sarasa @Bikerbeth xxxx
Mum still likes a laugh which is one good thing, we've always been silly and I try my best to get her to smile and laugh a bit when I visit. It's a lot harder to be silly and get her to smile and laugh now than it used to be but I still try. The deputy manager at the CH commented on mums sense of humour and that he likes to joke with mum. Every so often we get glimpses of the old mum.
I rang CH on tuesday to book this saturdays visit and see how mum was doing, the woman who answered said mum was chirpy that morning. She said she'd just been sat with mum with a coffee while mum had a bit of toast with her tea and she'd eaten a couple of pieces, so that was good. I think she'd sat with her on purpose as I'd told dietician and DM that mum ate better at home if we sat and ate with her and when carer who went to mums made mum her dinner she always had a drink and a biscuit and sat and chatted with mum while she ate.
I haven't rung CH for ages as I'm not a confident person on the phone normally but for quite a while when I think of ringing home to talk about mum I get so upset and usually end up crying and getting in a right state, so my sister has been ringing CH and letting me know how mum is. She said she couldn't ring in the week this week though as she's on her own at work so I had to stop being such a wuss and make myself ring and not cry. I did manage to ask how mum was, book another visit and not cry while I was on phone but I didn't think to mention mums lip. I'll see how she is this weekend and mention it then if no better.
We had to give 4 weeks notice so I've to hand mums keys in by a week on friday. Its so weird trying to try to think what mum might want in the future and what to keep. Mums still here so it feels wrong to be going though her things and making decisions on what to do with it and not asking her what she wants to do. Mum's not going to need her furniture so we're getting rid of that. We've already got rid of some and arranging collection of rest. We've still to go through her ornaments and things like that and to think if mum may want some to have in her room to personalise it, though as we've never seen it we don't really know what she might have room for. A lot of mums clothes are too big for her now so I've filled a box with a few things that might still fit or at least not look too bad on her now along with few pairs of sandals and shoes and a couple of bag. I think most of the rest will go to charity shop.
Mum had lots of books and jigsaws but she was struggling to do the jigsaws and stopped doing them and struggled to follow stories and remember what she had read so far so I've thrown any that were old and tatty and the rest will go to charity shop apart from a few books my sister and I kept for ourselves. It felt really odd as it's like giving away part of mums personality. Mum also had lots of dvds too, I packed a few for mum for when she was in isolation when she first went into Care Home and I've tried to pick a few more to keep that mum might still be able to enjoy and follow to keep in case she wants them sometime. Although mum says she forgets she has a tv and dvd and she had already forgotten how to work it before she went into the CH so not sure if she'll ever want them but I'll keep them anyway in case and my sister and I picked a few for us to keep too.
I've had mums paperwork at my house for quite a while as mum asked me to look after it for her ages ago so I've not had that to sort. I've thrown out lots of things that were obviously rubbish including lots of old tins of paint, tons of rolls of part used wrapping paper, quite a lot of rusty paper scrapers and old cleaning stuff. Hubby has been back and forth to dumpit last couple of weekends. I've been taking photos and messaging them to my sister for her opinion as I've emptied things but there's still lots of bits and bobs out of her drawers and cupboards to go through. My sister is thinking of coming down and staying overnight at mums at the weekend so we can go through rest of mums things and decide what to do with them. We've checked restrictions and it looks like it is allowed for her to travel and us to mix indoors to facilitate moving house and we'll wear masks, sanitise and try to stay apart but if she doesn't come it'll have to be sorting via facetime or more photos.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,762
0
Bedford
Big pat on the back for making that phone call.
You and your hubby have also done so well clearing your Mum’s house so far so give yourself another big pat on the back. I think sister coming down to help sort the remaking items is a good idea. It does feel wrong going through their things but far better that someone who loves them goes through their possessions than a stranger.
You should be well proud of yourself .