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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,711
Bedford
Glad to hear that your Mum is ok after her fall. I love your ‘goody’ bag it puts mine to shame but then I notice that whatever I take for Mum she ‘shares’ in the residents lounge (not that I have a problem with that).
As others have said it does seem that your Mum is in the right place. You mentioned that she is calmer now and that may well be to do with the medication but also the way the staff treat your Mum. I know I was concerned when Mum first went into her CH that the other residents were further down the path. However it never seemed to bother Mum and even more fortunately she has never realised that she too is heading on a similar path although she still is aware that her speech and memory is going.
I hope your Mum starts eating properly again or at least munches her way through the goodie bag.
I hope the meeting next week is positive and leaves you feeling more settled.
Take Care of yourself and hope that hubby is feeling better too.
more hugs from me🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,774
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x
I'm not sure what mum does with her goody bag to be honest, I don't know if she eats any of it or just leaves it in her bedroom and forgets about it. Mum often mentioned fancying some chocolate at home and she'd nearly always think she didn't have any so I'd remind her I'd brought her some with her shopping and remind her where I'd put it, which was the same place she'd kept it for ages so in a new place who knows what she's doing with it and if she remembers she has any. She told me she'd forgot her tv was hers so she didn't think to put it on during the one visit I had with her and I mentioned her watching tv in her room so she might forget the goodys are hers or where she puts them. I'll keep taking them to CH in the hope she does have some things out of them.
I thought Mum was starting to settle and was calmer in the CH because that was how it sounded but now CH saying she's low in mood, not eating properly and losing weight and they're wondering if its right place for her. I'm wishing mum wasn't there at all and feeling really rubbish cos I couldn't look after her at home and keep her safe but although she can't get out and get lost while there and she's not as angry it looks like she's not settled and is unhappy. Having no contact and not knowing what mums doing is driving me mad and I'm regretting taking mum to A & E that night.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,711
Bedford
More hugs to you 🤗🤗🤗🤗
You may well be regretting taking your Mum to A&E that night however if you look at your posts just before that night do you think the situation was sustainable for either you or your Mum. The conflict between logical head and loving heart is so tough. Loving someone can be so hard sometimes as it breaks our hearts when we see them unhappy and just want to fix it. I am sure you will continue to beat yourself up about not being able to continue to look after your Mum whatever ever we say on here to you. But you were not just looking after your Mum you were looking after your Mum who has dementia. That is a major difference.
Yes your Mum is losing weight which is of course concerning but you have also mentioned that she has been laughing with staff and joining in so perhaps not all bad. I do hope that when decisions are made next week it will help
more🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
I do get where you are coming from completely , It’s heartbreakingly hard . The only thing I can say is if you hadn’t taken Mum that night to A & E, you can only imagine what would of happened next time she left her home , the consequences don’t bear thinking about , you ABSOLUTELY did the right and best thing for your mum to keep her safe . She would be that way wherever she was . Please believe that. 🤗
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
500
Echoing what others have said, you went above and beyond helping your mum. You need to find a very big stick and whack that guilt monster.
If your mum was still at home there’s every chance there would have been other incidents with even worse outcomes you are one person and she needs a team to look after her!!!
Lecture over.......try and have a good weekend
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,035
Hi @annielou, you need the extra-large super-strength version of the whacking stick to get rid of the persistent guilt monster. You did exactly the right thing taking your mum to A&E, and she is in exactly the right place. Have you read back through your posts? The last few before your mum went walkabout show how difficult things were becoming. Even moving back in with her wouldn't have helped, and as @Starting on a journey said there is every likelihood there would have been a much worse incident with a much worse outcome.
Your mum is safe in the care home, and even if she is having unhappy moments she is also having happy ones too. I hope the meeting next week helps you feel a bit more content about things.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,774
Yorkshire
thanks @Bikerbeth @Woo2 @Starting on a journey @Sarasa for your replies xxxx
I know I can't look after mum at home but I thought things would be better for her when she was safe and had more people looking after her and I thought it was for a bit but this past couple of weeks its all been sad news. Its also been a bit of a shock as I thought mum was settling in the care home but it seems not now. I don't know what the alternative is as I couldn't look after her and keep her safe at home and I just feel horrible for mum as being there doesn't sound to be much better for her at the moment. This morning CH rang to ask if it was ok to move mum to a downstairs bedroom cos one of residents was keeping her awake, she said mum was ok with it so I said if mums ok with it and its ok with you then yes. Poor mum, now she's not sleeping as well as not eating and feeling low, missing us and worrying cos she's forgetting things. I just feel so sad for her.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,946
South coast
The trouble is Andrea, that we all want our parents to be safe cared for and happy, but sometimes we just have to settle for safe and cared for. Your mum wasnt happy when she was at home either, but at least she is safe and being cared for where she is.

It may be that your mum will indeed be better off in a different care home and this is one of the things that will be talked about in the Best Interest meeting.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,035
Sorry your mum isn’t happy @anniekou, but as @canary says sometimes you have to settle for safe and well cared for. Mum moved floors and it really helped her settle better. I think it was a combination of residents she liked better and a male senior carer she really likes. He plays to piano so she can have a dance.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
881
It's very hard @annielou . When I was visiting my mum at her care home every day, I had no idea what she would be like when I got there. She could be anything from calm and cheerful to literally screaming, lashing out, shouting at me to get out. I could be her lovely daughter or an evil traitor. On her good days, I would leave knowing for sure that she was in the right place. On her bad days, I would think what the hell have I done. My whole world depended on how she was during my visit.

We can easily torture ourselves imagining how our loved ones in care homes are at any given moment and whether we have done the right thing. Your mum sounds to be in a really nice place with staff who genuinely care. She won't be happy every moment of every day but she will be happy on some of them. If she does end up moving to a different care home, she will no doubt still be happy sometimes and sometimes not. Care home staff want their residents to be happy and they will work towards that. There will be ups and downs, medication reviews, whatever it takes. As my mum's care home manager said to me a while ago, during a bad patch "Try not to beat yourself up. Your mum is safe and surrounded by staff who genuinely care for her. We all want the same thing!"

You and I know deep down that we have done the right thing, even if on some days it doesn't feel that way.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,347
Dorset
I think YOU have to come to accept that there is every chance that, wherever she is, your Mum might not be happy! Nobody is happy all of the time when they are fit and well, let alone when they have dementia that is messing with their mind. Mum wasn’t “happy“ living at home alone so what’s the difference now? Well, she is safe now and that’s the important part. You couldn’t keep her happy and safe in her own home no matter what you did or how much you loved her but because you love her she is now being looked after 24 hours a day by a team of people who understand the problems that you couldn’t cope with by yourself - in fact even they are having difficulty with some aspects of her dementia symptoms - the weight loss seems to be standard with so many dementia patients.
This could have been happening at home anyway and how would you have dealt with it along with her constant slips in time and confusion as to who you are? Don’t forget that things were only going to get worse not better, no matter where she lives.
Please give yourself a break Andrea, you, your sister and your husband all did the best you could to keep your Mum in her own home but there comes a time when it is no longer a viable proposition and sadly Mum reached that stage. Now be a good girl and whack the Guilt monster off your shoulder and do what I’m sure your Mum would want if she was back to 100% health, turn the worry knob down and go and get on with your life without her constantly on your mind. It’s difficult I know but you cannot continue as you are.
All good wishes,
Carol.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
596
Sorry to hear @annielou that you're having a tough time with mum not settling. I think like everyone else you did just what was best for your mum. I think it is so much harder now with the visiting restrictions as my mum seemed happier this time last year when she first went into the home. She broke her hip in April, which was horrible as no hospital visiting at the time, she has been up and down with eating since and on medication to help with low mood. Not being able to see family can't be helping with this. I phoned today ant the carer said mum seems very tired, I asked to FaceTime after lunch, and she was chirpy then, so just like with your mum they have good and bad times. I hope you manage to have a guilt free weekend, and your mum has some good moments.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
881
@annielou . When you are worried about your mum, conjure up a happy image of her, a time when she said something that really made you laugh, or something joyous. Make it a big bright and bold image. Really focus on it. Practice this. Do it often.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,774
Yorkshire
Mums DST meeting with CHC and SS was on monday, my sister attended using teams. SW gave them my number but they didn't ring me, which was ok as my sister was involved on mum and our behalf. Mum scored low and moderate on the items on the checklist so it's doubtful she'll qualify for CHC funding but we weren't really expecting her to. Once CHC has done report she will send it to SS and also ring to let us know, then it'll be up to SS to make their decisions. Sis said she got impression it might be a while before it's all sorted. She thought both SS and CHC were fair and meeting went well. There was a bit of a problem with care home taking part so sis messaged me and I rang them, after some ringing round it seems the CHC sent the invite to wrong email address so eventually CH joined on the phone.
DM said mum wasn't as far along as most of their residents in the home but agreed she does need to be in CH. They've not seen much agitation or aggression from mum and she sounds easier to distract then when she was at home and in hospital. DM said mum does get grumpy when things aren't as she wants, or if she is told to do something she doesn't want to do. He said mum likes things her way and sometimes gets an edge to her voice and there has been some shouting to other residents and staff and she's been into other residents rooms a couple of times to shut them up when they were disturbing her. She also pushed a staff member once while they were trying to persuade her to have a shower and were trying to help her. DM said it doesn't often last long though and she often takes herself off to her room if she gets grumpy and is ok after a while. He said they are learning what does and doesn't work with mum and how to deal with her. They talked about how mum likes to appear as there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't like to admit or accept she needs help. Some of mums triggers for her getting agitated and angry have been removed because she's not at home and it's not as noticeable she's not doing certain things like when she was at home and they thought that maybe her not being able to have visitors may have actually helped her to settle down a bit as she isn't seeing us and wanting to know why she can't leave with us and then getting worked up like she did in hospital.
They went through mums tablets with DM and it seems that mum is no longer on Galantamine, DM said mum wasn't on it when she came from hospital so it looks like mum hasn't had it for 2 months now. The hospital never said anything to us. She also on a blood thinner and statin now which is understandable due to the ocipital stroke they found, her high blood pressure and peripheral arterial disease she has in her leg.
When sis rang CH in week to ask how mum was DM told her they had started doing window visits so I could book one if I wanted so I rang on Thursday to book visit. I've not rung the CH myself for weeks as every time I think about it I end up crying but as I wanted to book to see mum I bit the bullet, put my big girl pants on, tried not to be so pathetic and rang, So I'll be able to see mum through the glass door on Saturday morning. I'm quite excited to finally see mum but also really nervous. I don't know if she'll recognise me as she often didn't when I was seeing her everyday and I don't know how she'll react. On the one quick outdoor visit I had with her before started off with mum a bit grumpy as she wanted to leave and moaned about food and being there but it did improve and was actually quite good but I don't know how this will go. Shouting through glass will probably make it a bit weirder. I only gave my name when they asked for it when I booked visit so it'll be just me and hubby will wait in car. He wanted to visit with me and I saw a pic on facebook of a couple visiting another resident but as I didn't mention him while booking think its probably best if he doesn't come. I don't know if he would confuse mum more as she seems to think I'm a teenager most of time now according to home but I'd have quite liked him to be with me for support which sounds silly as this is my mum who I've wanted to see for weeks and I'm sure I'll manage.
I am desperate to see her so I hope mum is pleased with me visiting and it helps her rather than upsets her
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,035
Hope it goes well tomorrow @annielou It sounds like your mum is in the right place, and that they are beginning to get to know her and help her settle. I hope that makes you feel a bit better about it all.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,711
Bedford
Although it is emotionally hard there does seem to be some progress. Did they give you a timescale. I guess it is a bit like going to school mid term and having to fit in as the new kid and also for the staff to get to know you. It really does sound like the staff are trying hard to find the best ways to support your Mum in a variety of scenarios and beginning to succeed. They really do sound caring.
I wish you all the best for your visit tomorrow. I think there might well be tears along with the smiles. As you know your Mum will pick up on your mood so hopeful the actress in you will be doing an Oscar winning performance of how fabulous everything is.
please plan to do something ‘nice’ afterwards with hubby even if it is just a nice coffee and cake at a garden centre.🤗🤗🤗