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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
504
Hi @annielou
I'm pleased that your mum seems to be settling well , the care home sounds like it is just right for her.
I know what you mean about wishing you could have set up her room. My mum had a fall in April and when she came back from hospital was moved to a room on the ground floor for her safety, and as it was lockdown, then garden visits I still haven't seen her room.
I'm wondering if I could ask the home to send some photos of it, but maybe they're too busy for that?
I hope that visiting restrictions will lift soon, but feat the Government will be very reluctant to do this, fingers crossed they soon realise how important visits are for our loved ones x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @jugglingmum @anxious annie xx
Like you not seeing mums room does bother me but unfortunately we can't help it with how things are. I don't think government seem on the ball at all with covid and definately not with care homes, I know it must be a hard job and nothing like this has happened for most of us in our lifetimes but I think they are making quite a mess of it and from any dealings I've had with care system I don't think they've done very well with managing that for quite some time. Think they need a good kick up the bum and a reality check. 🦵
I agree virus is having bad effect on everyone for one reason or another and we have to make best of it that we can.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
Sounds like mum is doing well @annielou

I wasn't close to dad geographically or emotionally really - he's always been very stubborn and quite unpredictable. I learned early on that I couldn't rely on him much so I never really worried about what he was doing day to day. But for you being so close and involved in mum's life must be such a change for you.

I wouldn't worry about the eating too much, the carers will know if it's her tummy and will still offer her meals so when she feels up to it she'll likely eat a full one again. Like you say she's picky and she's having a change of routine. She may be getting full easily having had that time in hospital. The home are obviously making sure she isn't going hungry.

Hopefully visiting will be back on again soon. I feel like I won't see dad all year now - I can't drive seven hours then drive straight home again, and I can't stay with anyone as every is struggling with cancer treatment or immunity, and I don't want to risk a hotel - I have got some time booked off work at end of October but I'm not sure anything will be better by then. Care home still not really doing visiting anyway!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @imthedaughter x I miss mum terribly, have done for a while though even though I saw her everyday as she wasn't the same a lot of the time. But now I miss her as she was before, miss her as she is now and also worry about her and what she's doing. To have known more or less everything about her day before to knowing nothing now is a bit shock and I'm not used to it yet, Hopefully I will get used to it, but it still feels wrong to not think and worry about her constantly at the moment.
That must be so hard for people like you who live a long way away with visiting. At least when visiting restarts I can go to mums CH spend half an hour or whatever time allowed and then come back home easily. For people who have to travel outdoor visits where they can't even use CH loo before having to drive back home must be a nightmare. A 7 hour drive one way is really not doable is it if nowhere to stay 🤗 I hope they get on top of safely visiting soon but fear it is a low priority for government :(
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,626
Bedford
It does sound like your Mum is settling in well @annielou. I was also going to suggest could the staff send you some photos of your Mum’s room. Or maybe a quick FaceTime, zoom or other so you can see her room, maybe picturing it could help.
You also mentioned your Mum perhaps not eating. My Mum has told me both that she has lost lots of weight or put on lots of weight. When I checked with the Carers her actual weight has been very stable - I think they weigh Mum weekly so you could ask that question if it might set your mind at rest a little.
Nearly a year later I sometimes miss my 2 day visits to Mum’s bungalow or think I need to ring Mum and tell her that and we were not very close; but I can imagine a little how difficult it must still be for you When you were with your Mum daily. I do hope though that you are finding time for you to unwind a little and find some time for you and hubby again.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x I am finding it hard but I suppose I will get used to it. I found out my old nintendo ds yesterday evening and a game I used to play so have been playing on that a lot this weekend. Quite shocking how bad I am at it now, I've never been very good at games but I'm so slow now it's embarrassing. I've gone cross eyed today trying to improve lol and that's kept my mind busy rather than thinking for a while.
When hubby and I saw mum last week we could see she'd lost some weight though not the stone and half mum said, that's what she's been saying she's lost since she lost weight last summer. They told my sister mum picks at meals but don't think they told her mums weight. They did weigh her when she went in so I bet they have been since. She could have lost some of the weight in hospital as she barely ate the second week she was in hospital so I was expecting her to have lost some. I'll ask about weight in few weeks if see mum and it looks like she's lost more or if don't see her will ask how weight is going.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
My sister rang the CH where mum is again today to see how she is. My sister has rang the last few times, I've not rung for a bit now, it's stupid but I've been really struggling with calling. I don't like phoning people, never have I'm useless at it and I always get flustered and nervous but first few weeks I was ringing home regularly to see how mum was. We were ringing every day then every other day at first but they don't say a lot and we don't usually talk to mum so there didn't seem a point to ringing every other day to hear same thing. It often left me still wondering what she really was like and doing and it wasn't like it was benefitting mum cos she didn't know we rang. If it had been benefitting mum then I would call all day everyday if it helped mum no matter how I felt. The last couple of weeks I've left it to my sister to ring instead of me because I keep getting upset about mum and every time I pick phone up to call the CH or even think about calling I end up in tears again. Then I get annoyed at myself for being so wimpy and leaving it to my sister who calls about once a week. I seem to be doing more crying now then when I was spending every day with mum looking after her and I cried quite a bit then. I feel so annoyed and disappointed with myself but still carry on being a wimpy cry baby most of the time.
Anyway the latest from CH via my sister, is mum is in a lovely mood today and seeming more settled too, she's had a good few days or so where she's seems to have settled in even more. They seem to be getting to know her as each time sis rings they tell her something that makes you think they've noticed. They said mum likes doing her puzzles and looking at magazines and does that often. I've been dropping off couple of magazines each week and took her a puzzle book a couple of weeks ago and sent two in with her case when she moved in. I thought I'd take a puzzle book every 2 weeks and a couple of magazines every week as she always enjoyed them at home and looks like still doing them now in CH.
They said mum has paired up with a couple of other residents and goes and chats with them and she also chats with staff a lot. They said she likes company, which is true mum does and it's what me and sis hoped mum would find in a CH. They said mum has been joining with activities more this week, they've been painting pebbles for remembrance sunday and some things for christmas and she's been joining in singing too :). She'd enjoyed the activities the few times she went to Day centre before lockdown so glad to hear she is joining in at CH.
My sister asked if she's been ok on her tablets and mentioned I used to stagger them cos sometimes made mum feel bit sick and wondered if that why mum not eating so well. They said they have to give them according to what GP puts on prescription and it says morning. But they said she's not been having any problems with taking them then or feeling sick. My sister said mum might not tell them if she was feeling sick as she wouldn't say in hospital, she told me and I told staff, they didn't change time though I think they put her on omneprazole for it. CH said she spends a lot of time with staff and they keep an eye on her and look out to see if goes quiet or seems uncomfortable after them and hasn't. I suppose they get used to what to look for same as I did, them probably more so as they have more experience of it and some residents probably can't say and they have to take visual clues so I find that reassuring they haven't noticed any problems with mum as I was worrying bout it. I did think was a bit odd said had to give them as GP instructed as mums memory tablets and anxiety ones come from memory clinic not GP and it just says how many a day and on one with food but doesn't state time of day. Originally though mum arrived with full prescription from hospital and I think they will have said to give on a morning as that's when hospital did it and I assume it is easier for CH to give tablets at set times all residents together than staggering them like I did and if mum is ok with it. They also said they're getting used to what sort of food mum likes now and so she is eating those a bit more so that's good.
Earlier this week the CH deputy manager called me to ask if me or sis had LPA for health and welfare for mum to give permission to take photos of mum to use on her care plan and medicine charts etc. I told him we don't have it so he said it had to be someone who did so he'd explain on the form why they can't do that. My sister mentioned it to person on phone today saying that we wouldn't have any objection and didn't think mum would either. Though if legally it has to be someone who has LPA then I don't suppose it will matter whether we agree or not but sis wanted to say we didn't object.
While talking about photos today they got talking about putting mums photo on their facebook page and sis said she wasn't sure, she didn't think mum would like her photo on. They asked if it was okay to put pictures of her artwork and things she did on and said sis said yes but maybe don't put her name and suggested another name as people who know mum would recognise it if put her name. They said if put any on would just put on post that said things like art work done by our residents without names. My sister think mum wouldn't like them putting her photo on facebook which part of me agrees with as old mum wouldn't want anyone to know she had dementia and was in a care home. Personally I'd like to see her pictures and videos of her doing things like the home occasionaly posts of others and sis said so would she really, especially now we can't see her at moment but we're worried what mum would want.
I'm torn because I think maybe old mum wouldn't want people to see her when she's looking less tidy and not as fit and with it and wouldn't want people to know anything is wrong with her but part of me wonders if mum would mind now. At first mum didn't want carers turning up at her house in uniforms and neighbours seeing them and thinking there was something wrong with her, at first they wore own clothes but once covid started they had to wear uniforms and I was worried mum would get upset about it, but she never did and would stand in garden with them and sit outside with them in uniform and never mention it, I think she'd just got used to them coming and didn't think of it but maybe she had just accepted it and stopped thinking so much if people knew or not and maybe now she wouldn't think about that if her picture was on care home facebook page.
In the past mum has had her photo taken and put in local paper along with a group she used to craft with, also at a craft fair she was helping at and at a local coffee morning information event and she didn't mind having photo put on facebook and in paper then, but then it was nothing to do with dementia or being in a care home so different I suppose. My sister and I have often put photos of us and mum on facebook and instagram, including one mys sister took of them and put on a few week before mum went in to hospital when sis came down to visit and mum has never minded that, though that is only for our family and friends I suppose. I think if I'd been asked I'd have said mum may not want people to know she is in a care home and has dementia but I wouldn't mind myself and if it didn't upset mum then I'd agree. And maybe suggest they could just say to her can we take your picture for facebook? and if mum says ok then do it but if she says no then don't.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince myself mum wouldn't mind cos I want to see her anyway I can. Even though a bit of me isn't sure I want other people to see mum looking different to how she was before and judge her for it because she's not as well presented or with it, but I know that's not mums fault, that's the disease that's doing that and I'd still love to see my mum especially if it's photos of her joining in things when I can't be with her. But I don't want to embarrass or upset mum.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
215
Hi @annielou
I'm sure you are not the only one that doesn't like making phone calls.
My partner hates making calls or receiving them I was never keen myself but partner has got so bad I don't have much choice anymore the more he tries the worse he gets probably the Parkinson's doesn't help.
I sometimes have to leave my dads lounge like I did other week when he started saying he wanted to go live with his mummy and daddy as now believes they are alive. I didn't' want dad to see me cry so understand its natural you don't want to risk your mum hearing you getting upset. I said I was going to make a cup of tea as I just needed to get out of room before it became too obvious I was upset. Dads carer was already there in the kitchen she was kind and said she wished she could give me a hug which almost made me feel worse so I just muttered I was fine as obviously because of Covid no hug allowed but I would have loved a hug right then.
It does sound like your mum is settling well and finding some companions so very glad for you all.
If you recall we are in situation where Crisis Team brought in as carers are struggling with dad but they decided dad has enough capacity to say he doesn't want respite or CH placement. LA will have to pay towards dads care when he does go into a CH and we have no HW LPA only financial one no property savings below the amount for self funding fully.
I/we are just waiting for crisis to happen now which I'm sure it will dad not eating or drinking much after his breakfast now. and carers starting to get some issues at bedtime. Unfortunately my dad has no interest in puzzles etc his entertainment is his TV but he's struggling with that sometimes he doesn't have it on so sitting in silence or just dozing. Dad actually broke his 32" TV about a month ago we concluded he had thrown something at it so now using his small kitchen one in lounge. We are happy to get dad a bigger TV but not sure he won't break again or how long he will even be at home given his dementia is accelerating.
Thank you for your last post to me I understand what you re saying about how SS view things and that until something happens we will be waiting until that moment when crisis happens and they have to step up.
I'm not one for posting much on Social Media I do have a Facebook Page that my daughter set up a few years ago but have never posted photo's of myself or partner the odd 3-4 photos are what my daughter put on. Just go with what your gut tells you its all you can do really I'm sure you know your mum well enough to know how she would feel. Perhaps you can limit how much goes up but gives you a little look at how she is getting on or maybe ask for it to be deleted after a certain amount of time?
I can understand you are keen to see your mum in whatever way you can its one of the things that I feel is going to hit me hard if/when dad does eventually go into a CH and access will be limited if even allowed at all.
I do actually use Facebook to gain access to my local community online magazine it just covers the small area I live in and as has proven very handy for getting recommendations for handyman etc. We can see posts for people close by wanting to sell or give away stuff and during pandemic has shown good community spirit helping each other out. I had a freezer in garage that was working well looked nice still but the drawers always drove me mad so I ran it down and turned it off. I advertised free and a lady was desperately looking for one so worked out well as her husband collected from garage and it meant we didn't need to find someone to take away for us 😁. A young lady dropped me some Baking Powder when I couldn't get any. Yesterday my box of hair colour went on as I decided I'm just letting the natural grey grow in and haven't coloured now for 5 months? it got snapped up within minutes and lady really chuffed I think it was one of the things shops ran very low on. When dad does go into care to be honest what little he has will be offered free. I will ask a charity if they can collect and make use of some of the bigger items before offering on my local page.
Hope I haven't rambled or gone off subject too much it gets rather lonely indoors as partner not a chatty man. Take Care and once again I'm glad your mum is settling well in her new home.🤗
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,197
Dorset
Is the Care Home Facebook page an open one or limited to members? I imagine the only reason anybody she knew was looking at it would be because they were checking out the place for somebody to move to, not just “Let’s see if Mum’s picture is on there.”
I think it would be good for you and put your mind at rest to be able to see her happy, engaged and enjoying herself.
Have you started to put Deputyship in place to help with dealing with the LA & DWP?
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Wildflowerlady x
I'm like a tap at the moment, constantly crying and thinking about mum. We usually only talk to CH staff when call so luckily mum wouldn't hear me cry, but the staff would and I doubt I'd get my words out so don't call at moment. I need to though really, I can't keep leaving it to my sister as she's working and some days she gets too busy to call.
I've always been rubbish at calls and hubby usually rings for us if we have to make any calls, but over the years I have done ringing around on mums behalf as she hasn't liked calling either so much as I have always hated I did used to do it for mum. Just lately I have got worse though and get in a right fluster and come off thinking why didn't I say that or why did I say that. :rolleyes: I really need to get a grip.
I think I'll have another chat with my sister over the photo thing and see what we come up with after bit more thought as I'm sure if we change our mind CH will be ok with that
Don't worry about rambling, especially on my post I am queen of ramble, yours is short by comparison. x
Sorry to hear you got upset at your dads, It is heart-breaking to hear isn't it. Such a shame carer couldn't give you a hug 🤗 Mum often thinks her mum is still alive and was constantly trying to find someone to live with and look after her .
Sorry to hear your dad isn't eating much now and havignmore issues, hopefully the care agency will be documenting it and it will all stack up to be enough to tip SS hand soon without too much upset and worry. It's an odd sort of limbo trying to carry on when you know they need more help than they are getting, not wanting them to need it, but knowing they do but aren't going to get it yet cos they don't realise they need it. Wishing you lots of strength and hugs to get through it all 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,831
Hi @annielou, It sounds like your mum is settling in really well, and I think it's probably a good idea at the moment to let your sister do the phoning. Dropping stuff off you know your mum will like sounds like a good idea though.
As for the Facebook group, my mum's care home has one, and they only ever post positive picture of the residents. It's nice to see ones of them with their birthday cake or doing activities. When things get back to normal, and you can visit regularly those residents will become an extended family and you'll want to see pictures of what they are getting up to. I certainly miss the ones in mum's home. There have been some lovely ones of mum during lockdown, and it was good to see her, even though she doesn't join in the activities much.
In the meantime, cut yourself some lack, and look after you.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
504
Hi @annielou I agree with Sarasa, it does sound like your mum is settling in really well, and I'm sure she enjoys getting the stuff you drop off. If phoning is hard for you id just ask sis to phone and pass on information.
My mums home has a closed Facebook page that you have to request to join, so not open for all to see. I love it when they post photos of mum and other residents when they've had hair/nails done, playing a game of bingo, doing a quiz etc.They also put up short video clips when they have entertainer , and the residents are singing, tapping feet etc. As I don't live near enough to visit weekly it is good to see mum happily joining in. Mum isn't aware that there are photos posted, and I am sure your mums home would be similar.
Hope you are finding some time now to relax with your hubby X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Banjomansmate @Sarasa @anxious annie xxx
It does sound like mum is settling more and more and that is lovely and reassuring to hear, It also sounds like staff are getting to know her and they do sound and seem from dealings we've had so far to be good and caring. I think mum still thinks she's there temporarily though and will be coming home soon. I hope she starts to settle well enough that she forgets about coming home or doesn't mind that she can't when/if they say so.
The facebook page for care home mum is in is a public one, so anyone can see it if look for it. I looked at it before mum went there to see if could get an idea of place. They don't post that often but when they do it's usually pictures of things like people opening fathers day cards, or doing activities, and there have been a couple of carers dancing with residents and playing instruments with them. They always seem happy pictures. I saw a post the other day saying they were going to do some artwork for remembrance sunday and pumpkin carving and would post photos for relatives to see so I think it's mainly things like that. A lot of the photos include the same few residents but I think there are more residents there than usually are photographed so probably some don't want their photos online or don't join in the activities.
I think I'd like to see mum and the things she's done, but worry she might not be happy for others to see. But who would see it and so what? Like you say probably only people looking will be people who have someone they care about in the home too or people looking at it who are considering home so what does it matter if they see mum.I'll chat to sis a bit more bout it. If I was visiting I could mention it a couple of times and see how mum reacted.
We've not started on deputyship yet as thought mum had to have lost capacity to apply and no one has officially said that yet and so would have nobody to say so or any proof. I'm mums appointee for benefits as they asked if wanted to do that when mum was awarded AA and mum agreed so we did that then but we won't be able to do much else without LPA or deputyship. At first my sister thought SS would just deal with it all and take over mums finances etc but I thought we should at least look at sorting something so we could do it. Although so far we haven't as nothing finalised yet. Mum is still in assessment time from when she was in hospital at moment and it's not yet been decided she needs full time care although everybody has previously said it is .
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
504
Yes, a good idea to chat to your sister about the photos. If it was me, I'd be more inclined to go with what the two of you think best for you, rather than ask your mum as she may not really understand what it was all about.
I'm not sure of anything about Deputyship, but others will probably have advice on this. It's a lot to think about all at once
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,626
Bedford
As Mum’s Care Home’s Facebook page is public I did have a lot of reservations about allowing Mum’s photos on it. However due to family/Mum’s friends being scattered around the country we decided to allow photos of Mum to be posted. The photos don’t have any names (except once by accident) by them so residents remain anonymous. We also only told a few people about the FB page that genuinely cared about Mum.
It really does sound like your Mum is settling in if she is joining in with activities and has made some friends. It sounds like you have chosen well.
You have done so much full time caring for your Mum over the last few years so let sister take over the phone calls for a while until you feel ready to be make those phone calls as well. Maybe it will make her feel good that she can do something for her Mum at this time. She probably felt helpless when you were doing everything because of her location and work. You are still caring by dropping off items to your Mum that you know she likes.
you have had so much upheaval it is going to take time. I’m not surprised you are still upset. Lots of 🤗🤗🤗 to you 🤗
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
How lovely to hear about your Mum and how she really does seem to be settling in. I really did think that would be the case based on the limited information we knew about your Mum....I’m so happy that she is doing well.

I personally wouldn’t have any objection to photos being posted, I don’t think you could rely on a decision from your Mum as I feel she now lacks capacity to make an informed decision ,.....I think you both have to accept that you now need to make decisions for her, and not worry about doing it.

The Mum you have now will have a totally different outlook than Mum of old, but that’s dementia for you.

My husband hates using the phone or dealing with people officially etc.....so it’s always left to me. I try to encourage him to do it, because he may have to one day...but if he can avoid it he will. If your sister doesn’t mind then continue with her doing the ringing.

Please ignore this if I have got it wrong, but I am feeling that you may need some help from your GP in coping with the loss of looking after your Mum???
Think about it and speak to your husband too, as I do get the impression you are having difficulty adjusting and getting your life back to some form of normality.

Take care x
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
Wow it sounds like mum is doing really well @annielou and so good that they have activities that interest her. And it sounds like she is benefitting from having company all the time.

Dad was always one to pose for a picture so I had no reservations about them putting his photos online. He's not always in them but I have the home on notification settings and if dad is in a picture I share it on my feed so family and friends can see what he's been up to. Dad was never one to care about what others thought though!

It's early days on the change front for you but I really would recommend you think about refering yourself to mental health services in your area, not because I think you're unwell but I'd say the stress of this is affecting you and it would be really helpful to do one of the online courses they offer. I did one last year and it really helped reframe my thinking. I still struggle with blaming myself for things and worrying about things out of my control but when I read your posts I can hear myself and I would love you to get some help to boost your self esteem and confidence, and help cope with the transition from full time carer to wife and daughter. I hope you don't mind my saying, it's only a suggestion with my hope for you x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @anxious annie @Bikerbeth @DianeW @imthedaughter xxxx
Will definately have another chat with sis over photos, personally the more I think about it the more I would like to see them and I'm not sure mum would mind anymore and really mum probably won't know anyway cos she doesn't go on facebook so will see what sis thinks. It's lovely to hear that mum is settling more and joining in and I'd quite like to see it.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much and getting so upset so often. Mum is safe and it sounds and seems like she is being looked after well and is even starting to feel better about being there so I should be feeling less stressed than when I was constantly worrying about her and looking after her. I'm still a blubbering mess though, in fact I think I'm worse the last couple of weeks than when mum first went in which is silly and annoying. I'm not one for going to the DRs, think it's about 15 years or so since I last went to a DRs for me and that would probably set me off being a nervous wreck going there but I'll think about it as I do feel really rubbish a lot of the time. I hope as mum settles I will too, I did sleep better last night than I have for a while which was probably cos it was nice to hear positive things about mum. Maybe I might feel better when mums assessment is done and things are decided so we know if it's permanent or not. Although that might all seem final and so sad too, but at moment its like limbo waiting for decision and knowing if says permanent there'll be lots to sort out that we can't do till then.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
Thanks @anxious annie @Bikerbeth @DianeW @imthedaughter xxxx
Will definately have another chat with sis over photos, personally the more I think about it the more I would like to see them and I'm not sure mum would mind anymore and really mum probably won't know anyway cos she doesn't go on facebook so will see what sis thinks. It's lovely to hear that mum is settling more and joining in and I'd quite like to see it.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much and getting so upset so often. Mum is safe and it sounds and seems like she is being looked after well and is even starting to feel better about being there so I should be feeling less stressed than when I was constantly worrying about her and looking after her. I'm still a blubbering mess though, in fact I think I'm worse the last couple of weeks than when mum first went in which is silly and annoying. I'm not one for going to the DRs, think it's about 15 years or so since I last went to a DRs for me and that would probably set me off being a nervous wreck going there but I'll think about it as I do feel really rubbish a lot of the time. I hope as mum settles I will too, I did sleep better last night than I have for a while which was probably cos it was nice to hear positive things about mum. Maybe I might feel better when mums assessment is done and things are decided so we know if it's permanent or not. Although that might all seem final and so sad too, but at moment its like limbo waiting for decision and knowing if says permanent there'll be lots to sort out that we can't do till then.
I didn't go to my GP at all for my course as you can self refer. Give it a look, most people don't get 121 therapy straight away, and there's a waiting list for that but I found the online course was good. I'm afraid I cried near constantly on the phone assessment, but I'm sure they are used to that.

 

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