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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa @canary xxx
I too still wonder if someone will say mum has capacity and they can't make her stay in a CH. Until decision is made by SW then we won't give notice on her house or pack but I might start sorting through the rest of mums clothes and maybe tidy a couple of cupboards. I was thinking I might get hubby to drop me off at mums one morning as she has boxes on top of the wardrobe with out of season and extra clothes in which I didn't go through when I went through wardrobe to pack for CH. Mum will be wanting autumn and winter clothes son so I'll need to go through them to pack her some warmer things and could also look if there's any she doesn't wear and put aside to donate or throw away.
Also her under sink cupboard is full of random cleaning products that are years old. I did her other kitchen cupboards out when mum first went to DC and I went back to mums and cleaned but I didn't have time to do the under sink cupboard and she'd never let me do it when she was there.
Mum also has a big floor to ceiling cupboard on one side of chimney breast in living room that has become quite a mess over the last year. Mum just puts things in willy nilly and also often rifled through it looking for things, often forgetting what she's looking for but carrying on looking and getting piles mixed up. She kept saying she was going to sort it out though whenever I suggested we did some she'd soon get tired of it, some times I'd do a bit myself when she was doing something else but she didn't like me doing it for long either and usually within a few days anything we'd tidied would be back in a mess again anyway. I might get it tidied and then at least when it comes to emptying it it will be quicker and easier to see what's there and if needs be and mum sees it, which I doubt, I can always tell mum I tidied it up as a favour for her.
My sister rang the CH yesterday to see how mum was. They told sis mum was still talking about going home but was sitting settled so sis spoke to her. Mum didn't say much but sis said she sounded ok, a nice strong voice, mums voice changes when she is worried or upset, we call it her little girl lost voice it's sad to hear. Sis said mum didn't say much and kept saying she couldn't hear sis but she seemed bright enough and said Hello love to her and was talking staff member about how to use phone and sounded comfortable with her. Mum said she didn't know why she was there she couldn't remember and asked if sis was coming to pick her up. Sis told her When the DR says you're ready to go home. Mum told sis where she was using the homes name so she'd know where to fetch her from.
Staff told sis that memory nurse is going to see mum either friday or monday, I'm not sure if going for a general check cos mums in CH, or if it's her medication monitoring cos she's been on mementine for a month now and they come out to check BP and if doing ok on it after month, I think the medication monitoring cos she told me she'd come out after mum been on it a month when spoke when mum went on it. It'll be first time I've not been with mum when seen by memory team which feels weird.
I'm struggling to ring CH and haven't rung since last friday, my sister has rung a couple of times this week instead of me. I tried calling Sunday but burst into tears while dialling and every time I thought to call after. I get really upset when I think about calling and asking about mum. I also find it really frustrating calling as I feel a bit better for five minutes when speak to home but then start thinking about what they say and what they've not said and worrying about mum. It brings up more questions than it gives answers.
Normally we don't get to speak to mum, it's just staff and they don't tell you much. Its usually similar things, she's ok, still talking about going home, sometimes say if had shower or not, or if eating ok or not, but there's nothing we can do about any of it. If when I rang it had a positive effect on mum then I'd ring all the time but it doesn't, she doesn't know we've rung and it makes no difference to her day. Even on odd occasion we've spoke to mum it's been really short, once mums asked if we're coming to take her home or she's said she's coming home soon she goes, so apart from hearing her voice we know no more than when don't speak to her and I think staff don't want to unsettle her so haven't said can speak to her much. I've spoke to her twice and sis once.
When we call CH we're not calling cos we or they need to ask or tell us something before something's done for mum, if something did need our attention they'd ring us, so basically we're ringing for our benefit and I don't get much benefit from it. It just sets me off wondering how mum is and feeling sad she's there, though I'm thinking about it constantly anyway but I'm worse after call. I usually end up in tears and this week I feel like crying as soon as I think of calling so I've let my sister do it instead then at least I can cry without CH staff hearing me. After a call I still don't know how mum is really, how she fills her day, does she do her puzzles, is she talking to people, watching tv, how often she's upset, is she wondering where we are, if she's bored or happy, is she clean, is she soaking her teeth, getting changed? They give us a bit of brief info on some things and I could ask about more about some things and I'm sure they'd try answer but it'd still probably be brief, and I can't do anything about it anyway if she is or isn't doing things can I. I don't think the CH are doing anything wrong or keeping anything from us, they're always nice on the phone it's just how much can they say really and what can we do with that info. It's like mum's here but isn't and we're involved but not much really.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
508
Aww, @annielou , it's so hard. Could you email in, saying could the home give a brief description of your mum's day? When I'm on the phone to mum it's always very brief as mum doesn't have the conversation as she doesn't remember what she's done. We talk about the weather each time, but I just like to hear her voice, and hope she likes to hear from family. The staff take the phone to mum once I've had a quick catch up with them. I'm sure your mums care home staff will have a phone to take to your mum, if you feel up to it. Good luck with clearing the cupboards.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
947
High Peak
Just a few thoughts @annielou

When you're worrying about your mum, if she's happy/bored/anxious, etc, you're putting yourself in her shoes and trying to imagine how she must be feeling. But all you can do is think how you would feel in that situation - it's impossible to know how your mum is feeling about things or how she perceives her situation.

Your mum is in a different place now (and I don't mean the care home!) She lives in dementia world and things are very different there. It's clear from her many delusions that she sees her situation in a completely different way to you, your sister or the care home staff. It is impossible to quantify or understand what she might be thinking or feeling because her world is completely bizarre and her understanding of it is twisted by dementia.

All I'm actually trying to say here is don't beat yourself up with constant worrying about how she's doing because 1) you can never really know how it is for her and 2) you can't change it. She is safe and she is 'OK'. Those are the important things.

Like most people here, I'd very much hoped you would get a rest after the long time of hands-on caring, and some time for you and your husband to just give a big heavy sigh and relax for a bit. But you still seem to be tearing yourself up and can't switch off. I wish I could offer some suggestions for how you might do that :(

Take care - we're all behind you!
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,850
Hi @annielou, I think @anxious annie 's idea of an email asking for a brief description of her day sounds good. It must be very hard as you can't visualise how things might be. I haven't seen mum since March but I know the routines and layout of her care home so I have a good idea what mum is up to.
I also think spending a day tidying cupboards out is a good idea. I'm pretty sure your mum won't be going home, but that way you won't feel you are permanently getting rid of things, just doing a job you'd wanted to do anyway.
I hope the nurse that sees your mum on Monday gives you a report on how things are. If she doesn't maybe chase up. You need to have a clear picture of how things are.
Be kind to yourself. You did a brilliant job looking after your mum. It's now someone else's turn
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks @anxious annie @Jaded'n'faded @Sarasa xxx I always knew I was an over emotional person and not very good in stressful situations especially ones I can't control or know the outcome of but this has certainly shown those traits up to be worse than I thought. I don't think I'm coping any better now I'm not looking after mum every day than when I was. I'm constantly worrying and feeling useless to help her. But @Jaded'n'faded like you say I can't change anything for mum or know how she feels. I thinks that's partly why ringing CH to ask about mum upsets me and doesn't seem to achieve much, especially for mum who most of the time doesn't even know we've rung.
The CH have a cordless phone they can take to mum @anxious annie , but usually don't, I think from what they've said they're worried of it confusing mum more and unsettling and upsetting her. The second time I spoke to mum we were on less than a minute, Mum told me she was at my sisters but was coming home soon and after I mentioned her new glasses and the sweets I'd taken her in she asked if my sister was home, at her home, which was mum had said she was at and that seemed to confuse her so she said bye. The first time I spoke to her wasn't much longer and my sister said she was on about the same yesterday. Mum's not been very good on the phone for a fair while before the CH as she struggles to focus and follow conversations and now she just talks about coming or going home for a minute and then goes.
I can't switch off from worrying and thinking bout mum yet but I'll hopefully adjust to new situation and calm down eventually and hopefully so will mum.
I might try ringing MC after Monday next week and ask if visit was for monitoring her mementine and ask how mum is doing on it if they can tell me. I think I might also go over and tidy the under sink cupboard and the big cupboard out at mums next week too.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,630
Bedford
It is still all new to you after looking after your Mum on a daily basis. No one approach is best but ideas given are well worth taking and considering. You will then do what is best for you and your Mum. It seems like your sister is ok ringing the home staff and/or your Mum so perhaps let her take care of that and give yourself a break. What you have done takes more out of you than you realise. If you feel like sorting the lounge cupboard out next week then do it - it may well be tough but you might see some items that give you a big smile.
Just one other thought on clothes - Mum’s CH seemed to be at near enough the same temperature all year round (bit like a hospital) so maybe worth checking with CH to see.
I hope you and hubby can do something nice this weekend amongst the ‘chores’
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
thanks @Bikerbeth x
Mum used to say similar about my house that it was same temperature all year round lol and mum's was pretty warm all year too. Her autumn/winter wardrobe isn't a lot different to summer one really. Mainly it's just some darker colours, some blouses with longer sleeves and a few thicker cardis for really cold days. If the CH is cold or draughty then mum'll need some new stuff as she doesn't have lots of really warm things as not really needed them. Will check with them if cold or not when time comes thanks for that x
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
440
@annielou I know what you mean it’s not the fabrics it’s the colours. I went shopping with my son yesterday and some shops had light coloured trousers for the winter...I could not understand why as I associate light colours with spring and summer.
My mum had some dark leggings in the summer which she will wear indoors in the winter. It’s just the colour!!
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,787
South East
Good idea about clothing @Bikerbeth , the homes I have been in to are like sauna’s ! Though sometimes mum feels cold when it’s really not cold at all , so a few warm bits to start with maybe .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,672
South coast
My mums care home was really hot all year round and mum didnt wear anything different during the winter. She had 2 or 3 fleeces for cold days, but not much else that was different. She did have a nice warm coat, hat, scarf and gloves for when I took her out, but I dont think you need worry about that for a while.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks @Starting on a journey @Woo2 @canary @DianeW xxxx Will bear this in mind when time to send more clothes. My sister rang CH this morning and they said mum was in a good mood this morning and said she had unpacked now and her bags were in storage so that's a result. They said mum is still a bit funny about showering and letting them wash her clothes but they get there eventually. They said mum was quite settled and sitting enjoying doing her puzzle book. That was a nice start to day. At least if her clothes are out of case they'll be in a better state,
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
I've seen mum today!
Hubby and I called to drop some goodys at CH and the Staff member said Do you want to see her? I said Can I? I didn't think we could see her yet and she said You can have 15 minutes on the deck if you like while you're here as long as socially distance and keep masks on.
I was so surprised at being able to see mum I didn't have time to worry about how mum would react I was just excited. We waited at gate, she said there's someone to see you. Mum looked a bit puzzled then recognised me and said Its our Andie. I said Hello mum and she smiled, said hello to me and hubby. Staff told us where to sit and then left us for a bit.
After first happy hellos you it dipped a bit. I asked mum if she was ok and she said No cos I'm stuck here. I don't know why I'm here. I said Because the DRs want to keep an eye on you. Mum said They just shove you in here and forget about you. I said Staff are keeping an eye on you and letting DRs know. Mum asked Why? I can't remember why I'm here. I said Cos you fell and they didn't know why. Mum said That was ages ago, I said And they thought you'd had a little stroke and want to see how you are after, if you'll be ok. Mum said Can't you take me home? I said Not yet I can't go against DRs, Mum said I know I bet my hubby can over ride it. I said He can't over ride DRs either. Mum hmphed.
I tried a subject change, I said I've brought you a goody bag, some sweets and things. Mum said Thanks. Then said You could smuggle me out in your bag then. I said Its not big enough, we'd need a long bag to hide you in. Mum said Oh yeah it'd have to be really big and smiled, I said Yep a nice big one with a drawstring neck to cover your head, Hubby said Should we throw you over wall or carry you out over our shoulders? Mum said I can fold down like this, and bent over, I said We could put you in a wheely trolley then and just wheel you out. We were all laughing, it was nice to distract mum fairly easily.
She said it was a bit boring not being able to go out and I said You're not missing much cos nobody's going out cos of virus. Mum said Well no, so I'll stop moaning and smiled. Then she asked what we'd been doing. It's unusual for mum to ask what we've done and listen but she did. I told her I'd stained the bench in our back garden. Hubby told mum I'd painted our bathroom, mum asked about the colour cos couldn't remember what it was before and she mentioned hers, she loves colour of her bathroom, but that was the only time she mentioned her house during visit.
I said I'd tidied some of my craft supplies up even though I don't use them now and mum told me I should. She said You always enjoyed doing it and doing your things where you sold them, you should try again. Hubby told her I'd been knitting little bobble hats for ageuk and we told her about the bottles they go on, mum said they sounded cute and it was a funny idea to put hats on bottles. She talked about group she used to go to near her who made things for charity and although she was a bit mixed up about details of things she followed conversation ok.
Mum said it's a bit boring here but it was ok. Hubby asked what she did in day and she said nothing much, he asked Have you talked to any of the others. Mum said Yeah. He asked Are they nice? Mum said Yeah. half of em aren't all there but they're allright, and smiled. He asked Have you been watching tele. Mum said Its on but nobody really watches it cos someones always pressing buttons. He said You can you watch yours in your room. Mum said I've not got one. I said I brought yours from home and your DVD. She thought and said mmm. I said You can always ask one of staff to put it on for you, I packed your Vera DVDs and a few others and mum nodded.
Mum had her puzzle book with her so I told her I'd brought her a new one today and she said Oh lovely, I said I'd took a magazine and a new colouring book which she seemed really pleased about and said Oh that's great I'll do them. She said The other day wasn't bad cos it was a nice day and I came out here and wiped the chairs and tables down and then everybody was coming out and sitting outside. Hubby said We sat outside other day too. I said We had lunch outside cos he's still working at home. Mum said I think my hubby will have retired now so he'll be home all the time. I just said Yep. Mum asked hubby how long he was working at home for and we talked about that and the weather changing for a bit.
I told Mum about the sweets I'd took and told her I'd got her a maltesers reindeer, cos I'd spotted them again and we love them. She laughed. I said I'm trying to fatten you up for christmas, mum laughed and said You always are. I've lost some weight, I've lost about a stone and half. She does look like she has lost some, though I don't think that much. She had lost some last year and it seems to be the figure stuck in her mind since then. I expected her to have lost some weight as she was barely eating in hospital and I thought she might be same at the CH at first. Mum said My clothes will end up too big. I said You should start eating then so your trousers don't fall down. Mum said They just bring you anything they could be 4 inch too short or too big they're not bothered. I said I've put your name in your clothes so they'll know they're yours. Mum asked What will that do? I said Well they'll know whose they are when they wash them. Mum said They just put them all in together in same wash. I said They might all go in together but your names in them so when they take them out they know who to bring them back to. Mum said They don't look. I said Those are your things you've got on. Mum said I put these on. I said Yes but they will have brought them back to you cos they've got your name in them. Mum said Oh, I'm not sure if she was convinced.
Hubby tried to change the subject and asked mum what the food was like. It wasn't best choice cos mum pulled a face. I don't think mum could remember what had, she said It's the same thing about14 times a day, you just get what they bring you. I said Do you have couple of choices? mum said No. I said You can always tell them if you don't like things. Mum just shrugged, so I said If you really don't like it tell them they might bring something else. Mum nodded. I said Well I've brought you some more hobnobs so you can have them for your breakfast and you can eat your sweets and biscuits if you've not enjoyed your meal and mum said Yeah, you'll have brought me plenty. We laughed and she was smiling.
I told mum A (carer) had text me and said to say hello to mum, mum asked who? she does tend to forget carers name but once I said Carer who came tuesday and thursday, Mum realised who I meant and smiled, I said She sent you a hug which I can't give you so you'll have to imagine it and mum said Aw that's lovely. Mum asked if I'd seen her brother and I said No but I rang him and told him where you are but he can't visit at minute cos of social distancing and he isn't driving now. Mum said No he won't but that's ok. She asked about my sister and we talked about her for a bit.
We were talking about sis taking her youngest back to Uni when staff member came back. She asked if we were all ok and mum said Yes we're just talking about my.. what is he? I said Grandson, mum said Oh yes, He's just gone back to uni. We chatted about that. She asked mum if I was her daughter and mum said Yes, she asked mum which one, what was I called. Mum looked a bit stumped and said Our... looked at me and said Which one? I said I'm andrea or andie. Mum said Yep our Andie and he's hers. It's Andie and -(hubby) Staff said It's nice to put a name and face together with a voice off the phone. This'll be first time you've seen your mum. I said Yes I didn't we know could see her yet so it's been lovely. She said quietly She's settling in ok. Mum said She's brought me some sweets and things and I said Yep I'm fattening her up for christmas, Mum said I've lost some weight about a stone and half. Staff said to me She's eating a bit better now. I said I brought some biscuits and sweets and some things to do if she got bored and she said That's lovely. Mum said It is.
Mum mentioned the sun being warm and tans and said staff was a lovely colour not like us. I joked I'm like a milk bottle and the same colour as my shirt (white) and we talked bout not going brown. Staff said she'd been out in her garden and joked it probably wasn't a tan cos she'd been working and it was probably muck she'd not washed off. We laughed about that and Mum said she liked being in garden pottering, she said Oh do you, maybe we can find you some things to do outside, mum said Oh yes. I said She used to be always popping out in garden pulling a few weeds up, she likes to do little jobs don't you mum. Mum said I do and she said We'll find you some little bits to do then. Mum smiled and nodded.
She asked mum Are you ok to come back in with me now and mum said Yes love, so I said Ok we'll say bye now then mum. Mum said Bye love I'll give you a hug and started to come close, Me and staff both said We couldn't cos had to socially distance and staff said Have an elbow bump instead so we did. I said we'll have a pretend hug, put my arms out and pretended to squeeze the space in front of me as if it was mum and she laughed. We said bye and love you lots to each other and staff went to let us out of gate. She said we could ring up and book a half hour slot for next visit when we want to go again, they like to pre arrange it so can arrange visitors at different times. I said ok and thanked her for letting us see mum today, it was lovely. We said bye and love you lots again as we went out of gate and then they went back inside.
It was lovely to see mum again. We had a nice chat, mum moaned a few times about being there, but was quite easily distracted.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,787
South East
Oh @annielou that is great news , I’m so pleased you got to see Mum and that it was a good visit 😊 👍 . You distracted Mum well when needed . It sounds like she is a lot calmer and seems pretty settled .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x It was a good visit and she did seem calmer and more settled, probably not all the time, but she was today and I think she is getting there overall.
Just read your post 🤗 🤗 hope your mum goes on ok and starts to improve 🤞🤗
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
206
Ah, so good to hear you've seen your mum and found her ok. I think its good too that it was a spur of the moment thing you didn't have time to worry or over think it. Sounds like you handled it really well.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks @CardiffGirlInEssex x It was a good visit, and has made me feel a bit better about things. I was worried when I did get to see mum she would be worse than when she went in and I'd think it was the wrong thing for her. She wasn't worse. She was better than she had been in hospital, and probably today a little better than she had been at home too, In hospital mum had been on the edge of agitation and was unsettled even on days we had good hospital visits. Today she moaned a few times and looked fed up when she was moaning but she was calmer than she's been in quite a while and much easier to cheer up and distract than she has been in quite a while. Hubby said she seemed a bit lighter today than she was before she went in hospital. She seemed more interested in what we were saying and she smiled and laughed a lot.
We were only there for a short time and she was pleased to see us so probably isn't like that all the time. The CH have said she isn't and also said she was in a good and settled mood today so she obviously is having days when she's not so they know the difference but they also say they can usually distract and calm her which is an improvement on hospital and at her own home just before she went in hospital.
She did look a bit thinner but I expected that after hospital, her hair was a bit wild and getting ready for a wash but she was like that at home and it didn't look worse than it did most days at home and she had on her own clothes and they looked clean which was good. When she was in hospital and she was getting up out of her chair and walking she was a little unsteady and slower to start with but she got up fine today and although I only saw her walk a few steps she seemed as she had before.
You're right not knowing I was going to see her till just before meant I didn't have time to worry how she'd react and what to talk about and overthink things and I was just so excited about seeing her. I've not seen her for over 3 weeks which is a very long time after seeing her everyday for over a year and talking to her everyday on the phone for years and years. I did have a bit of a worry when her smile dropped and she first said she wasn't ok cos she was stuck there but on a mum scale of not ok it was much less than before and she was much calmer and easier to cheer up.
Mum bless her little cotton socks gave me just what I needed today as I've been really upset and worried mum was worse off in the CH than at home. I'm sure there'll be visits when things don't go as well and times I'll be upset and worried and doubting things, I was a bit teary after I got home today cos I thought it was sad mum needed to be there and I couldn't bring her home and her be safe and ok which I wanted to, but today at least showed she is having ok days there and it is helping calm her and she's not worse because she's there. And best of all we made each other smile and laugh.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
I’m so pleased you had a lovely positive visit with your Mum.

It’s really nice to hear that she is settling in and I am sure that has comforted you.

It’s difficult having to accept this is what your Mum needs now, because I am absolutely sure if she was still at home she would not be as well as she is now....she is getting the professional care she needs and the staff are able to cope with her needs.

I bet your sister was happy hearing of your visit?
 

Salma

New member
Sep 19, 2020
3
I am so tired of being called that blooming womans name!!!!!
Mum has been getting me mixed up with other people on and off for a while but for the past fortnight shes been mixing me up with a woman who was partly responsible for mum and dad splitting up.
The woman was part of a couple mum and my dad were friends with about 40 years ago up to 29 years ago when mum thought something was going on between the friend and my dad (there was evidence) and mum and dad split up and mum and the friend haven't been friends since.
But now for the last two weeks mum keeps calling me her name and often talks about my husband as if he is the womans husband and thinks my house is the couples house. My furniture is theirs, Even my Christmas tree which I only bought last year is their tree they have had for years and years.
She keeps telling me (as the old friend) she is going to ring our Andrea, or our Andrea hasn't been to see her, or you've no need to come tomorrow --- because I'll be going to our Andreas. She is constantly refering to our Andrea as someone else not me.
She gets quite annoyed and won't believe that I am her daughter Andrea when I, or hubby, or my sister when she was here last weekend, explain I am not the old friend. She keeps saying she will ring our Andrea and ask her or ring --- and ask her who I am. Then she looks in her bag for something to say who I am or reads her address book to see if it says there who I am. She will read out my address and say you cant live there 999 letsby avenue because our Andrea lives at 999 letsby avenue and you live near me or in (friends village)
The most upsetting and annoying part is that obviously I'm not a fan of the friend and neither was mum for last 29 year so when she realises who she's talking about she isn't happy. It's awkward reminding mum why they are not friends, that her and dad split up 29 year ago and he died 4 year ago. There's no way to avoid telling her either as she gets so confused while talking about things that it has to come out who I am and she gets so het up asking questions about it that you have to answer and reveal I'm Andrea her daughter not the friend. It doesn't sink in properly though and just gets more and more confusing for everyone as she calls me both Andrea and --- in the same sentence.
It's wearing me out, constantly answering questions on the same thing and mum not believing who I am. She just won't stop going round n round it can go on for hours.
It happened a couple of times a day for a few minutes at a time at first, then more times and for longer each day and for the past week she thinks I'm this woman most of the time. And I have the same conversation about fifty times a day now with mum constantly not believing me, getting annoyed and aggressive and then upset.
My sister said at the weekend she was sick of hearing about the friend and didn't know how I could stand it all the time as she couldn't believe how long mum went on for and how confusing it all got.
I am starting to feel like I am going mad and soon won't know who I am.
Sorry for the long ramble but I just wanted to get it out, I have been writing it during another round of --- why hasn't our Andrea been to see me. Do you stay here? Well why isn't our Andrea looking after me. I'll ring her and ask her to do it.
Hi, my mum calls me everybody's names, and I smile and remind her of something really sweet she did for me, and even though she talks of herself in the third party
I am so tired of being called that blooming womans name!!!!!
Mum has been getting me mixed up with other people on and off for a while but for the past fortnight shes been mixing me up with a woman who was partly responsible for mum and dad splitting up.
The woman was part of a couple mum and my dad were friends with about 40 years ago up to 29 years ago when mum thought something was going on between the friend and my dad (there was evidence) and mum and dad split up and mum and the friend haven't been friends since.
But now for the last two weeks mum keeps calling me her name and often talks about my husband as if he is the womans husband and thinks my house is the couples house. My furniture is theirs, Even my Christmas tree which I only bought last year is their tree they have had for years and years.
She keeps telling me (as the old friend) she is going to ring our Andrea, or our Andrea hasn't been to see her, or you've no need to come tomorrow --- because I'll be going to our Andreas. She is constantly refering to our Andrea as someone else not me.
She gets quite annoyed and won't believe that I am her daughter Andrea when I, or hubby, or my sister when she was here last weekend, explain I am not the old friend. She keeps saying she will ring our Andrea and ask her or ring --- and ask her who I am. Then she looks in her bag for something to say who I am or reads her address book to see if it says there who I am. She will read out my address and say you cant live there 999 letsby avenue because our Andrea lives at 999 letsby avenue and you live near me or in (friends village)
The most upsetting and annoying part is that obviously I'm not a fan of the friend and neither was mum for last 29 year so when she realises who she's talking about she isn't happy. It's awkward reminding mum why they are not friends, that her and dad split up 29 year ago and he died 4 year ago. There's no way to avoid telling her either as she gets so confused while talking about things that it has to come out who I am and she gets so het up asking questions about it that you have to answer and reveal I'm Andrea her daughter not the friend. It doesn't sink in properly though and just gets more and more confusing for everyone as she calls me both Andrea and --- in the same sentence.
It's wearing me out, constantly answering questions on the same thing and mum not believing who I am. She just won't stop going round n round it can go on for hours.
It happened a couple of times a day for a few minutes at a time at first, then more times and for longer each day and for the past week she thinks I'm this woman most of the time. And I have the same conversation about fifty times a day now with mum constantly not believing me, getting annoyed and aggressive and then upset.
My sister said at the weekend she was sick of hearing about the friend and didn't know how I could stand it all the time as she couldn't believe how long mum went on for and how confusing it all got.
I am starting to feel like I am going mad and soon won't know who I am.
Sorry for the long ramble but I just wanted to get it out, I have been writing it during another round of --- why hasn't our Andrea been to see me. Do you stay here? Well why isn't our Andrea looking after me. I'll ring her and ask her to do it.
This works for me : I smile, then remind her of something she did for me that I'm incredibly grateful for and that shifts her mood. Even though she refers herself as the third-party, like 'that was a lovely thing that woman did for you', she smiles when I remind her again and again that it is her. I hope this helps ❤