Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

[Banjomansmate]

Well if Mum has already been stressing about going home today, with any luck she will be happy to leave the hospital without any fuss. Let’s just hope nobody mentions going to a Care Home until it is too late!
It has been taken out of your hands now so you can claim it was nothing to do with you should she blame you when you see her next.
Actually I think it is a great Birthday present for your husband because now he can relax a little knowing that the responsibilities are taken off both your shoulders. You may have other concerns to cope with but you won’t have the constant worry of Mum disappearing off down the road or constantly phoning you with the merry-go-round of where she lives.

 

[DianeW]

Good news that she can finally get moved and settled, I think her own TV, DVD, lamp, and duvet is a brilliant idea and will feel cosy for her, as many homely things as possible plus her puzzle books, photos and clothes as advised.....it’s going to be strange but she will settle eventually.

I know it’s going to be difficult for you all, and it’s not what anyone wanted, but she is going to be safe, and I really feel she will fit in well and thrive, with the company available.

Just remember Andrea...that your Mum’s illness is going to absolutely prevent her being settled completely as she used to be, wherever she lives. But she is going to be safe and well cared for by all the carers now who will look after her through her confused times.......instead of it being you on your own.

I hope she has a nice room too x

Happy birthday to your husband too....take him out for a nice meal to celebrate x

 

[annielou]

Thanks for all the replies xxxxxxxx Mums at the CH now and so is her stuff, we couldn't go in just dropped stuff at entrance door we saw two staff who seemed nice.
I rang CH when we'd finished packing to check if it was a good time to go as didn't want to arrive at same time as mum or when busy and no one available, the deputy manager said he'd just rang me at home and left a message just to let me know mum had arrived that afternoon and how she was. He said she'd not been too happy at first but was bit more settled at that moment. He took my details for mums paperwork and asked if we had POA, I said no mum never let us do it, she thinks there's nothing wrong with her and always said she could just tell us when wanted us to do things on her behalf and he said Yes, he could see she had strong ideas and knew her own mind. He told me she had to be in isolation for 14 days, I said I know, I think mum would settle quicker if she could mix and do more but I understood they had to do it for others safety, he said he agreed she'd probably settle quicker but unfortunately it was the policy. He said she'd got someone with her so wasn't on her own. I asked if it was ok to take mums stuff there now and he said it was and told us where to go when we got there so we set off after call. Typically it started to rain just before we left mums and was bouncing when we got there.
When we got to home a carer met us at door and then another one came as well. We took mums case and bag with things to do with us and then went back and took her tele in. They said sorry we couldn't go in. They said mum wasn't too happy at moment, had told one of them off and was saying she was going home and kept talking about her mum. I said sorry about that, she was saying that at the hospital but also said it at at home too. They said they were used to it and not to worry about it. One said she'd been weighed, mum'd said she wasn't going to go but she did and was fine. They said mum was just going to have her tea and then they'd take her her tele and stuff in, they'd borrowed one from another room for her already so would take that back out and put mums in. Someone else walked by and said mum was just wandering about a bit and looking for her mum. I said she was talking about her earlier, she forgets she died a long time ago, I sometimes tell her that she died a long time ago its sad but it was a long time ago, sometimes it helps her but not always and they said Ok. I told them I'd packed her photo box and she likes looking at them too. I asked if they needed mums medication but they said they had it all. The hospital discharge woman today said they were waiting for her medication so I thought they would be sending it to CH with mum, but thought I best check while there. I'd bagged all mums up from home just in case and had it in car but they didn't need it. I gave them mums 'this is me' print out and had also wrote mine and sis's numbers down and popped that in too with it and then we left.
It was a weird feeling walking away having left mums things there knowing mum was inside. We only saw the entrance but it looked clean and bright inside and the carers we saw seemed really nice and they seemed fine about mums behaviour, just telling us how she was but not moaning or seeming annoyed by it.
I feel sorry for mum who must be even more confused and upset than normal but I know she's can't come home and there's not really an alternative is there. I hope she does settle down a bit, I don't want them to think bad of her and think she's a pain and hard work, she can be, but she is also lovely and funny and my mum and I want them to like her.
I feel a bit lost now like what do we do next? When she was in hospital I knew I could visit for an hour every day and booked slot while I was there. Now she's in CH it all feels very unreal, maybe it's more so because of covid and us just dropping stuff off without going in and mum being sent from hospital but it feels like I don't know what to do next. What we're supposed to do, do we just leave them to it, should we be doing something? It just feels odd.

 

[canary]

Im glad your mum arrived there with no problems and you got all her stuff there too.

It will feel very strange for a while because you have been caught up in all the caring duties which took up hours of your time every day and you were always on high alert. So you will feel at a bit of a lose end for a while. You dont need to do anything at the moment. You can phone up the care home every day or so to see hpw she is and if they discover that she hasnt got something important they will tell you and you can drop it off at the home. Otherwise, treat it like a 2 week holiday. Could you go away for the weekend? You and your hubby can have a nice meal somewhere or just have a take away. Go and have a (socially distanced) coffee and chat with a friend. You can even get all your ironing done without any interruptions!!!

 

[Woo2]

It must feel very weird and strange as you say to leave mums things there and not see her . As @canary says it’s so different to your life for the past couple of years , it’s going to take some adjusting . Hopefully once visits can be reestablished you will be able to pop in there as often as you like and have a giggle and take cakes in and really enjoy a more relaxed time , take some time for yourself , a large glass of something alcoholic and a nice meal or takeaway sounds just the ticket tonight . ? Xx

 

[Sarasa]

@annielou, it sounds as though things have gone as well as they could given the strange times we live in. As @canary says they'll contact you if there is anything you've forgotten and you can phone up and find out how she is each day.
If your husband could get a few days off you could try and do a mini-holiday somewhere safe. If not just try to relax and not worry too much about doing anything for a while. A new 'normal' will happen, though it might take a while.
Have a lovely evening with your husband.

 

[annielou]

Thank you so much for all the support and advice you really are so kind and helpful xxxxxx
I forgot to label toiletries I put them all in a bag wrote the question, left them on one side till later and when I finished packing everything else I just picked the bag up and put it in suitcase with out writing on anything. She'll be in quarantine for 14 days so hopefully most things will stay in her room and when she does go out to shower someone will take her there and back and might remind her take her toiletries. If she loses them or runs out I think they'll let me know and I can write name on replacements before taking them in.
I also forgot to tell them I'd put her handbag in her case with her purse with a bit of money in. It was one of things sis and I didn't know whether we should send in but thought mum would keep asking about it so decided to but I meant to tell them I had and check. They'll have already unpacked it now I imagine so will know.
A few of her things she had in hospital and will have taken in CH with her aren't tagged, I wrote her first name on clothes labels in clothes she had but her undies and dressing gown and one pair of pjs haven't got names in, nor has towel and flannel or her shoes or slippers she had with her. She has terrible trouble with shoes so doesn't have many and tends to only wear that pair so she had them on, I did put her new pair of slippers in with name label on but didn't do others. I should have thought to pop few spare labels in with her stuff and asked the CH if they could label them. I didn't label the case and bags we took her stuff in either. I've had all this time she's been in hospital to plan and then ended up rushing round today and rushing.
To be honest if mum loses a pair of pjs, a few undies, towel and flannel and even the dressing gown, which she likes but tends to only wear when she goes to stay somewhere cos its thin and easy to pack, it doesn't really matter they're easy replaceable and not that important though it may annoy the home when they have random stuff they don't know who it belongs to. Even the bags and case we used are spare ones of ours we haven't used for years. Though her shoes are another thing as she hasn't got multiples of those. I thought I'd done ok, but now not so sure as I keep thinking of those things I forgot to label.
I'd packed her usual dressing gown and a few nighties cos she usually prefers them to pjs but I put one pair of pjs in and she had couple in hospital bag, a new pair of slippers, and she will have the ones she had in hospital, 6 bras, a dozen pair of socks and about 15 pair of pants. 2 each of hand, bath towels and flannels and quilt cover sets, I didn't send sheets though as thought they'd have own plain sheets I hope that was right. About half a dozen pairs of trousers and cardis, I think about 8 tshirts and 3 longer sleeve tops, her summer mac, though she shouldn't really need a coat at mo but if she does go out anywhere she'd wear that till colder weather.
I packed her a shower gel, shampoo and conditioner plus her hairdryer, she already had her brush with her in hospital bag, box of pantyliners, tooth paste and steradent, she already has toothbrush with her, deodrant, handwash for sink, and she has bottle of baby lotion and bar of soap with her in hospital bag.
We took her tv and dvd player, 1/2 a dozen dvds including a 5 series box set of Vera which she was just starting to rewatch before going in hospital. clock of her bedside, 2 codeword puzzle books, (plus probably took one she was doing in hospital) a magazine (probably also has one I took her to hospital today) her pencil case with colouring pencils and sharpener in and 3 colouring books, a notepad, 2 pens, her box of photos, the photo of her great grandson she has on mantlepiece at home and mine and my sisters wedding photos off the living room wall. I didn't take her knitting as I didn't know if she was allowed knitting needles and sis forgot to ask on phone and so did I. I also sent her a 2 pack of biscuits she usually has for breakfast, a pack of blue ribands she likes, a bottle of coke, box of maltesers, a treat size bag of chocolate and a 4 pack of smarties because I love smarties and recently me and mum have often had a tube on an afternoon at her house and mum has enjoyed them.
I hope I did ok, I can just see mum saying where did you get all my stuff from? Who packed this? Don't unpack it I'm not stopping I'm going home. If this is a hospital why have you got my stuff. I think it will probably confuse her at times but hopefully it will help her a bit eventually.
Hubby has been on holiday from work since tuesday and still off till after bank holiday, we won't go anywhere though as we're still not going out and mixing really, just popping in to shop when need to and I've been going to mums or to hospital. We did call at in laws on saturday and tuesday for 1/4 an hour for first time in months to collect hubbys birthday things but not sure when we'll do it again as we're all being careful not to mix much but we'll try have a bit of a relax. One of hubbys birthday pressies was last star wars dvd so we'll probably watch that over weekend as we both love them and we didn't get to go see it at cinema when it came out as I was staying at mums. I'm supposed to be going to hairdresers on Saturday and am not looking forward to it as I don't like going out at mo and will probably end up getting upset talking about mum. I'll be there ages too as supposed to be having my hair highlighted for first time in ages so will be sat waiting for colour to develop. I used to have my nails done while colour was on but lady that does them is away so I'll just be sat waiting and trying not to be near people. I wish I'd just booked for cut and blow like last time but it's booked now and at least hair will look nicer after.
Think tomorrow is going to be a day of letting people know what's happening. Either sis or me are going to ring mums SW tomorrow to let her know mum's now in CH and see what happens next and call CH to see how mum was overnight. We should probably let mums brother know where she is and what happened too, sis and I talked about ringing him last week and then forgot. I'm going to email mums care agency tomorrow to let them know mum has gone in CH now so we won't be needing carers, I spoke to them when mum went in hospital and I told them hospital were probably going to send her to CH after there so they cancelled visits but asked me to let them know for certain when she did go so I'll do that, plus ask for final bill and say a big thank you to them as well as they have been really good. I'm going to message mums carer too as she has rung and texted me a few times to ask about mum and I said I'd let her know when something happened. I also had a voicemail while I was visiting mum today from OT who came out to mum week before she went in hospital asking how things were going so I'll ring him back tomorrow too.
I may be doing a lot of cleaning and ironing the next few weeks to fill my time and stop me sitting worrying. If I had some paint I would paint my bathroom as it's been wanting doing since last year, I bought the paint early in the year but decided I didn't like the colour and then didn't have time to do it so didn't buy more paint. I might order some for click and collect and do it.
Thanks again for all good advice support and good wishes I really do appreciate it. I feel guilty and terrible and sorry and sad for mum, but I know its safest place for her, even though at moment she probably hates it and she won't think so, its really the only option we had and it's best we can do for her. I hope we'll all get used to it soon x
Hugs and thanks to you all ? ? ? ? ?

 

[Woo2]

You did just fine with the packing ? As you say if a couple of bits get lost it’s no big problem , I’m sure you will be taking bits and pieces in for a while . the staff are used to this, they won’t be cross. The cases will prob be put in her room somewhere and you can take them when you go . I can’t see mum will work out how her clothes are there , If she does you were only told to pack her some clothes once she had already got there ... play dumb, say little and distract , by the time you visit in a couple of weeks I’m sure that will be long forgotten. Understand you feel sorry for mum and sad , but ultimately she is safe , fed and cared for , if she was still home you would be in a state of high anxiety and now the weather is getting cooler and darker nights coming it would of been so hard to not move back in and to stop her wandering. You have done the very best thing for mum and her safety . The painting sounds a good project. X

 

[Woo2]

She might not hate it , she isn’t alone , they are probably making extra fuss of her , once she can mooch around and explore I’m sure she will make new friends .

 

[Starting on a journey]

You have done really well, you should be proud of yourself.
I assume that at some point mums tenancy will have to cease, might be another question to ask?
Take care and enjoy the film in your fab new hairstyle!!

 

[Bikerbeth]

Wow what a day for you all. It was probably good that it happened so quick as there was less time to panic and it seems that you have handled it really well anyway as far as the practicalities go. Emotionally I know it will be far harder and very weird for quite a time but you will settle into a new routine as will your Mum.
you mentioned that you hoped the carers will see positive side of your Mum. I am certain they will and like all social settings your Mum will get on with some Carers better than others and vice versa. The same with the other residents. You mentioned the carer you had that came to your house and she seemed to take any negative behaviours generally in her stride ( she kept coming back!) and seems to care about your Mum. I hope you see what I am trying to say amongst the waffle.
I think your house will be spotless in the next 2 weeks. I am not particularly house proud but I clean and tidy frantically when I am stressed.
I know you are not looking forward to hairdressers but I think it might give you a boast afterwards. Perhaps you and hubby can have special meal one evening to make up for today And enjoy the films.
Just a thought. Someone on here advised me to remove the suitcase from Mum’s room. After I found out that Mum had been standing on a chair to get it off the wardrobe I did have it removed. It might be worth asking CH what they suggest.
to be honest my Mum does still pack to leave on occasions but it is at least just a small hessian bag which the staff can unpack easily.
finally give yourself a big pat on the back. You have done so well

 

[DianeW]

I agree I too think she will make friends and join in with activities and sit chatting to other residents and the staff.

Wow you did a fantastic job with the packing well done.

It’s such a big transition for you all, and it is so very sad for your Mum that she has this awful disease that’s changed everything.

I’m glad you can see though that it really is the only way, there is no other option....

I too went to hairdresser last Saturday and had my cut and colours done, I didn’t need to wear mask but my hairdresser did, and there was only me in, he has his appointments very well organised.....felt better after it was done too.

My husband and I used to be very reluctant to go out, but for the last few weeks my views have changed, I just can’t continue indefinitely to put life on hold and not at least try to get out more.....I think we have to learn to live with Covid around us.

So we do now go out to eat, and the places we have been are taking social distancing very seriously indeed, spaced out tables, etc.

I feel better for it too, don’t get me wrong we are both still very careful when out and keep good distance from people, wear our masks, wash hands and all of that...but I just had to get out.

We also go out for walks by the sea, as we live very close to sea front as that is nice also....plus don’t see hardly anyone too.

Anyway enough from me, good luck tomorrow with all the sorting and calls etc, hopefully get good feedback that Mum has had a good night.....but please don’t expect everything to be rosy....it never will be.

Thinking of you all x

 

[imthedaughter]

Well done @annielou sounds like you remembered everything. Don't worry about the toiletries.
I know you won't know what to do with yourself but you have got mum somewhere safe. She may surprise you with how well she does, she may moan and pack incessantly, but she is safe. She will be cared for. Food will be brought to her. It can't be underestimated how important that is and how much you have done.
There will still be more to do. For now, mum has to quarantine and then be assessed. One step at a time.

Yes to hiding suitcases! But this is not urgent. Try to think of a way to get away just for a change of scenery. It'll do you good. Sleep well.

 

[anxious annie]

Well done @annielou, you did brilliantly! I hope you can relax a little now. I know it will all seem very strange, and you will have time on your hands until you get into a new "routine".
With covid 19 restrictions about it makes visiting more difficult for everyone, but let us all hope that the government makes changes to it's guidelines soon so it is easier for relatives to see their loved ones.
I hope your mum has had a good night xx

 

[Helly68]

Do i need label shower gel etc?

I used a sharpie pen on things like that

 

[Helly68]

@annielou Like a lot of people who have followed this thread, I am both happy and sad for you. So much has happened so quickly, and now a big change for everyone. It is for the best, you could not have gone on as you were.

I obsessed a bit about labelling, but the staff were very good and not much actually got lost. It is tough at the moment with quarantine and visiting restrictions, but when Mummy moved, we left it a few days before visiting her, to let her settle in, so maybe some of the time will help you Mum settle.
In Mummy's home, she did have knitting needles - they had regular Knit and Natter sessions. Though by that point Mummy was a bit hazy about what to do with the needles.....

I hope you get a bit of time to yourself and with Mr as an antidote to all this running around.

 

[Sarasa]

Wow @annielou, that was a packed day. The carers at your mum's home sound good, and I'm glad you thought it looked bright. It was often suggested pre Covid19 that you give people a while to settle into a home before visiting, so think of the next couple of weeks as the settling in period.
It's going to take you a while to unwind. I jumped for weeks every time the phone rang thinking it would be mum in another pickle, but you'll get there. You haven't given up caring for your mum, you are just doing it in a different way.

 

[annielou]

Thank you for all the replies xxxxxxx It means a lot x If I have to take anything in to mum or when we are able to go visiting after quarantine I will ask if they want to give me bags and case back so I can take them home out of the way. I'll check the case first check mum isn't in it trying to abscond, it's probably big enough and knowing mum she'd be determined enough to leave the CH to try it.
I rang the CH this morning to see how mum was, they put me through to someone who I think was one of ladies who came to door for mums things yesterday. She said mum didn't have a bad night but she was upset and grumpy this morning and adamant she was going home. She said mum wouldn't take her meds this morning, I said she's usually fine about taking them. She said mum wanted to know why she was giving her them and not a DR cos mum thought she worked with her, she'd seen her yesterday at work. I said I don't know why she keeps thinking she's at work now. She said it's her illness. I said she's not gone back to when she was working before, but she did keep thinking the hospital was a factory. It is near where she used to work and does look a bit like one though I suppose. She said with all the upset of moving about mum'll be more confused, so they'll keep an eye on her with her meds. I asked if I'd forgotten anything when I'd packed and she said nobody had mentioned anything but if they noticed anything mum needed or wanted they'd ring me.
My sister rang the SW this morning and SW said she would ring the CH and arrange to go reassess mum for permanent care, she said we could go too if we wanted depending on the CH restrictions, sis and I and SW weren't too sure if that's a good idea though as mum got really mad at me when I've been at her assessments before.
SW rang sis back a bit after to say Hospital SW had called her and hospital SW was doing assessment and then she (mums SW) could do her review in 6 weeks. SW said not to worry it's just the process because mum had been in hospital and was getting their funding at moment but their assessment all feeds into hers anyway.
Then I got a call from the hospital SW rang to tell us what happened next. She said because of covid mums CH place is funded by the goverment at the moment and she needed my permission to share mums details with health service to get that funding. She said that funding ends on 31st of August though so after that she said mums place would be funded by her client contribution. So we need to fill in the financial assessment forms. She said she has to be involved because mum had been in hospital and using this funding but it shouldn't really delay things. Mum had been admitted and it would be a short stay and then her SW could go see her in few weeks and read care reports and change it to permanent care for mum to live there.
It does seem a bit confusing with hospital and LA social workers involved but hopefully it'll all get sorted eventually and in mean time mum is in the CH and already being looked after so at least she is safe while it all gets sorted.
I contacted mums care agency to update them, ask for final bill and thank them. I rang OT at MC and they said they'd ask him to ring me as working from home today. I'm going to ring mums brother later and update him and message mums carer this afternoon to update her too. Sis and I were texting this morning and after calls to keep each other updated and she's gone off to the coast for a walk with her boyfriend this afternoon. Hubby and I aren't going anywhere though as it's been heavy rain here. He's happily playing with one of his birthday pressies, some sort of micro processor or something, a little computer electronics kit that you can can programme and make do things apparently.

 

[DianeW]

It sounds all to be expected at the care home.

Regarding hospital social worker I think that is all normal procedure when a person has been admitted to hospital and all to do with different budgets, but everyone knows your Mum can’t return home so just let the process flow.....the end result will be the same.

I think after the 6 week review, your Mums placement will then be made permanent.....and you will have to give notice on her bungalow, clear everything and return keys etc.

That will be another difficult time for you, but at least you have your sister so can do it together.

The care home may have a store room for the cases, but if not definitely take them home when you get chance.

My husbands care home does allow family visits but only in the garden, and from the required social distance.....very difficult now weather has turned.

 

[annielou]

Thanks @DianeW x
Yes I'm just leaving them to get on with it at the moment. I've filled in details on financial assessment form today (which we already had from last SW assessment) and sent it on to my sister along with mums bank statements so they can be sent off, probably Monday now. That's all we've been asked to do so far so other than that we'll just wait till we're told or asked to do something.
The CH said after mums 14 day quarantine we should be able to do garden visits, I think they told my sister before it's weekly for about half an hour, but I'll find out exact details before we can visit. As you say it's not going to be great in bad weather but think it's all that's on offer.
Just a waiting game now, waiting till we can visit, waiting till the decision is made to keep her permanently before we do anything else.