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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
I agree start preparing clothes ,enough for a couple of weeks is the consensus on here I have seen , sweets and biscuits etc should all be ok as long as they are wrapped. It would be nice to know what’s happening , could sis speak to them while there and see what the plan is , she can also explain mum going straight to a care home as advised by SW ,it doesn’t matter you don’t have Lpa they will keep you informed . X
 

LizzieM

Registered User
May 6, 2019
54
From experience and having had to do this in a hurry so suggestion if helpful herewith.
Three sets of clothes to start with; one to wear, one spare, one in the wash. Night clothes same. Two pairs shoes and one pair slippers. Sharpie or marker pen to put initials on neck label/wash label if pushed for time. Books, puzzle, portable radio, photo, soft toy if applicable, bed throw from home (familiar). Medication. Hairbrush. Glasses. Hearing aid batteries. Toiletries. Scent. Put it all spread out on table/bed and take photo so you have a quick painless record.
From hospital angle, don’t get pushed into doing stuff like taking her home just because a doctor says she is medically fit to go; that is only part of the jigsaw and the doctors and ward sister and ward clerk etc all know this. The hospital social worker should be involved as they push stuff along too. Medically fit, physically fit (mobility), medication prescribed and supplied, ongoing care in place plus mental capacity all have to be sorted before discharge.
As other forum members have said - Duty of care is key and the hospital and social workers know this despite their sometimes selective hearing and putting pressure on partners and relatives. You’ve been doing a fab job but it’s at great detriment to your own life and health and is unsustainable.
Stand firm. Sending strength. X
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
Absolutely agree with above, your Mum won’t be going home so don’t even consider it, she is not safe and needs to go to respite or care direct from hospital......

Great idea to go to mums and sort things out, perishables take home, pack her a bag and yes do take her colouring books and puzzles etc.

You just need to reiterate as many times as you need to that your Mum can’t go home as she is not safe to be on her own.

I’m glad your sister is there to support you through this upheaval....x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,666
South coast
Tag and pack enough clothes for just a few days - you can always pack more later and leave the case at the care home. Do pack things like colouring and puzzles. Biscuits and sweets is fine so long as the wrapper is intact.

Just keep telling them that she is not safe at home.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Hi @annielou , hope sis saw Mum yesterday and you got some washing and cleaning done and also that you may have got a bit of sleep and rest . Thinking of you all . Take care 🤗 X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thanks for the replies and all the good wishes and advice xxxxx
My sister went to visit mum yesterday, when she arrived mum was sat on her bed with her bag packed ready to go home bless her. Sis told her she had stay bit longer till she was healed up. She mentioned it again a few times but didn't get upset and sis popped her bag under the bed when she was getting a cup of tea. Mum said she'd not seen me and sis told her I went the day before and took her some clothes and things and mum said Oh yeah look what she fetched and showed sis the hobnobs I packed her.
Sis had word with nurse and they said they'd start assessment on monday after DR had seen her and said medically fit for discharge and so she'd be in for weekend and possibly a little bit after monday as they were unlikely to do it all on monday. She'd be seen by their physio, OT and SW and they'd speak to mums SW and us too.
Hospital rang this morning just before I was about to ring for appointment Nurse said she'd asked mum if she wanted a visitor today and mum had asked for me so nurse was asking if I wanted to come. I booked time and then she was telling me how it worked as if I'd not been before and I thought I bet mum has said I haven't been. I'm really worried when I get there mum won't recognise me as Our Andie today but think Our andie has said she's coming and be wanting me to go so she can come.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,203
Dorset
I agree with @canary, the more the hospital staff can see how confused your Mum gets, the better ! It sounds as though she is being kept calm with the 24 hour care, which is what we and you have been saying she needs, so they need to be made aware of how bad she can be.
Play up any confusion on her part and make sure they know and record it. It has to be recorded ( written down) or it hasn’t happened. Apparently The Banjoman went wandering off down the ward starkers but because the staff on duty did not record it in his notes we couldn’t use it towards his assessment as to his mental awareness.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Hi @annielou , hope your visit went ok 🤞 Well it sounds positive that they are assessing and speaking to all parties and aren’t going to just discharge her. Hope you are getting some rest.🤗 All thinking of you . Take care . X
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
Thinking of you and mum: I hope your visit went well today and the start of assessments tomorrow are useful and get mum the care she needs! Fingers crossed for you all x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
thanks xxxx
I was really worried that mum would not recognise me today like she very often doesn't and that she would be upset saying Our Andie said she'd come and she hasn't, but it went well. When I arrived at the ward and buzzed, the nurse came to let me in and when I said who I'd come to see she said She's in ward-- which was opposite. I asked Oh is everything ok? and she said Oh yes. I'm not sure why they moved her to other ward but nurse said everything was fine. Mum was sat on a chair chatting to another lady when I went in. She told the woman This is my daughter. She recognised me woohoo good start 😃🎉
We said hello and went over to mums bed. Mum didn't know when she'd been moved she said she was still in same room they just moved the beds about and changed beds bless her. She had her bag packed and said she was going home soon, I told her not today she'd to stay a bit longer so they could keep an eye on her. The woman opposite said She's been trying to abscond so I said She does that at home and we laughed, including mum.
I'd took a few more things in for mum today and while she had her bag on her bed I suggested I took her dirty stuff home. Today mum had the trousers she went in on and the tshirt sis said she'd had on yesterday. I got her pjs, undies but no socks, yesterdays trousers and her tshirt she went in wearing out of bag for me to take. Mum put the other stuff back in her bag. I suggested putting them in her cupboards but she said she liked to keep them in her bag. I said Is that so you're ready for the off? and mum said Yes.
She seemed ok, quite bright and thankfully not talking about how she got there like she had the other day. She asked if I'd seen W and if he was in and if he'd had any other women in the house. She also talked about going back to either her mums, or the small house with pink walls and not bothering with W anymore. We had a few laughs about things including joking about her being spoilt with dinner and tea being made for her and her wearing a wristband like they do in all inclusive resorts. She also talked as if she was working there, said she wan't going to bother anymore but they kept asking her to go back in. This morning all 3 of them wanted her help at once and she had to say I'll get to you I can't help you all at once. She said the forewoman kept asking her if she'd just do this and when nurses went out of room she asked where the forewoman and other staff went. She was confused but she was ok and although she mentioned going home soon a few times, she didn't bother when I said she'd to stay a little bit longer and she was fine when it was time for me to go.
Yesterday I went through most of mums wardrobe and separated her clothes a bit into things that she knocks about in but previously wouldn't have gone out places in, clothes she'd wear outside the house and separated a few wintery things she won't need for a while and her best tops she'd got for special occasions. We put them back in the wardrobes in different places but we daren't tag anything yet in case mum does end up coming home and wonders what the tags are. It felt a bit like we were asking for trouble so just sorted them for ease of finding if/when needed. I'll need to go over to mums tomorrow and iron the trousers and cardis I washed yesterday and quite a few of the cardis and tops in mums wardrobe were also creased as they'd been squashed in cos it's so full. We also sneaked a few bits out that mum won't ever wear and a couple of things that are way too big and she looks dreadful in. It felt very odd being in mums house and going through her clothes and things.
I feel like we're in limbo at minute and keep thinking we should be doing things but don't know what really without jumping the gun. I keep looking at CHs online to see if there are any more than the one we had previously read about and sis had contacted. Its mind boggling though and I can't work it out, sis has been looking again tonight and she feels the same, it looks like all the ones with good reports and reviews and that look like might be ok are ones you have to pay for, why they can't put if accept LA without top ups on details I don't know, it's very frustrating.
I'm missing mum and feeling guilty for thinking of sending her away and I'm also worried they will say she's fine to come home but she won't be fine. I feel really tired and just keep sitting about thinking I should be doing something but I'm not. I feel a bit like I should be revising to remind myself what things have been like and what's happened lately in case I'm asked but I can't concentrate. I really need a slap and a shake to get on it and do something.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
391
You have had such an emotional time for a while and you're on overload @annielou.
Your mums safe, there’s nothing you can do at the minute so try and rest and get some sleep. I’m sure things will be clearer when you can think straight xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
I’m so pleased Mum recognised you :) She sounds mixed up but so much calmer , having someone around all the time is helping by sounds of it . It is the most horrible feeling being in their home isn’t it , when I started packed up Mum & Dad’s she came with me but got distressed and walked out so after that I left her at home with daughter and went up and did a few hours at a time alone , it was really uncomfortable and I felt like a burglar. worse was throwing stuff in a skip as we couldn’t keep everything . You need some time to de stress a little , you have been through high anxiety levels for a few weeks and your body and mind needs time to just settle, while mum is being cared for take the opportunity to sleep and rest when you can . The agencies will all have notes on recent events plus you have posts here you can go back to , it will come to you when needed don’t worry .🤗 Xx
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
I think your feeling is spot on .....now you really do need to be reading back at how very upsetting it’s been for you all and how much your Mum has deteriorated, and keep it very much at the front of your mind exactly how much of a struggle it is now and how impossible every day was that you were trying to care for your Mum and give her everything she needs.

You can’t keep her safe anymore...don’t let these last few days and visits lul you into a false assurance that you can continue....you can’t.

She may appear more settled because of where she is.....at home she would revert back.

The fact that you didn’t label her clothes tells me that you still think it’s possible that she can come home, despite the social worker confirming she can go to respite for assessment at least!!

@annielou i hope you know that I am only trying to advise and support you but you really do need to stand up and do this for your Mum’s safety.

There is nothing to feel guilty about, you must know in your own heart that you have absolutely done everything and more for your Mum....now it’s time to be her advocate and get her the help she desperately needs to keep her safe.

It’s not ever what anybody wants, but there comes a time when there really is no choice....now it’s that time.
It’s never going to be ideal, but your Mum will adapt and most importantly be well cared for 24 hours a day and be safe....

Hopefully tomorrow will bring more discussions and decisions.... be strong, stand your ground, lots of people are here supporting you.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs to help you through x
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,630
Bedford
First I just want to send you some big hugs. You and your Mum have been through so much in the last week since I have been on here. You must be emotionally so worn out and I am so glad that Sister has come down to help you out.
it was a terrible crisis situation but I am glad that your Mum was found safe apart from the nasty cut and bruising.
I know you are in limbo land Currently but I hope this is giving you breathing space too.
You know what needs to happen next and it is disgusting that you have had no real support from officialdom. Your email was excellent.
so many on here however have provided you with good advise, some which you will know and hopefully confirms your own thoughts
My only bit of practical help -if you can’t bring yourself to do the clothes labels yet do get a Sharpie pen (blue). Wilko/supermarket should have them. We marked all Mum’s clothes/shoes/slippers within 15 minutes until we could get proper labels.
Mum’s home let me take in anything food wise providing they can wipe it over.
I hope the next few days go better for you all. I am sure they will be hard but hopefully your Mum will moved to a Care home where she will have the 24hr support she now needs. You can then go back to being her daughter. I was so pleased to hear that your Mum recognised you as her daughter today.
Sending you lots more hugs 🤗🤗
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
Morning @annielou seems like mum is doing quite well under 24 hr care, glad she seemed quite bright yesterday.

Just wanted to say you didn't send her away, your mum ran away from her own home. You didn't do this, dementia did.

Although mum is calm she is still confused. That's why she needs the care and security. Fingers still crossed for assessment being positive - as in mum gets the care she needs (not what she wants I know, but where is home anyway?)