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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
941
Thank goodness your Mum is relatively OK.Next time she might not be.I know you have said you don't want her to go in a care home but that is really the only safe option now.Tell the hospital you can't be responsible any longer.It will be hard but it's for the best.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
705
@annielou I am so sorry to read this. I have followed your story and as everyone says, the crisis has now arrived. I can't believe how social services have behaved. You have my sympathies - I well remember going backwards and forwards to hospital visiting my Mum and my Dad after accidents, it is a very worrying time.
I hope everyone now recognises the need for 24/7 care for your lovely Mum. Thinking of you.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,701
@annielou, so glad your mum was found quickly and hadn’t done anything more serious than a few nasty grazes. When my mum was at home she kept on calling out the police and they were wonderfully patient with her. Sounds the ones who were looking for your mum were the same.
As everyone else has says this is the crisis. You can no longer keep your mum safe at home and she needs 24 hour care and a team of people. As her injuries aren’t too severe I hope she can be moved very soon.
Look after you, I hope you got some sleep and that your sister can be on hand, if only by phone, to back you up about care at home not being enough.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
423
Dear Annielou
I hope you managed to get some sleep after your traumatic evening.
SS must realise now that you can no longer keep your mum safe at home, despite your great efforts.
Stay strong when it comes to attempted discharge from the hospital, you are fighting for your mum's safety xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,642
Yorkshire
This is a copy of email I sent this morning to social worker
This is Andrea -, --s daughter.
I know my sister has contacted you but I’m not sure if she told you exactly what has been happening as we didn’t get time to talk much because she was rushing to set off down here.
I can’t keep my mum safe any more she needs full time care after yesterdays crisis and I can not be the person to provide that as mum won’t let me stay with her 24/7 even if I was able to manage it. Which I no longer am able to, I can not cope any longer. My mum is at risk and vulnerable and needs full time care and she needs it urgently as yesterdays crisis has proved . She won’t agree to to it if asked as she has no proper understanding of what is wrong with her, what help she needs and what happens if she doesn’t accept help, she does not understand the consequences of her decisions, she is unable to make an informed decision. The only help she will say she will accept is from her daughter Andrea who unfortunately no longer exists as I’m not her the majority of the time to mum now, the only other person she would accept is her mum, which as her mum died 46 years ago that is not an option, though mum thinks it is.
Yesterday mum was extremely confused and agitated as she has been all week, she has made serious attempts tried to leave the house everyday for the past week and yesterday teatime kept trying to leave the house to go home. She would not listen to anything I said in attempt to convince her to stay, I tried distraction, going along with mums reality and trying to redirect to keep her there and also explaining reality but nothing worked, it has been getting increasingly difficult to do over the past few weeks but this past week has been horrendous. Yesterday mum would not let me stay there and said she would leave if I wouldn’t. I tried to stay but she kept trying to get out of the house. I tried to stand in front of door and talk her into staying and she pulled me out of the way shouting at me. She wouldn’t have any dinner and I could not calm her down and she was getting more and more agitated with me saying unless I left she would. So eventually I had to leave as I could not calm her down and she was going to leave if I didn’t, I hoped that talking to her on phone which sometimes helps as she sometimes she still recognises my voice on the phone. My sister rang while I was on my way home and I spoke to mum on the phone when I got home at 20 to 7 and she was still confused saying she was going to go to her mums house and her own house she lived at with my dad, but after a while I thought I had convinced her to stay where she was and have a sandwich for tea and I would ring in an hour after I’d made hubby some dinner. I rang at 20 past 7 and there was no answer, so we went over to mums and she had gone, locked the house and there was no sign of her. All she had took with her was her keys a puzzle book and luckily her address book. I called the police and they sent cars to places we thought of.
A woman from a street we used to live at in my teens called just before 8 and said she thought she had my mum, she had seen mum on the street and managed to get out of mum that she had a daughter andrea and she found my name in mums address book. When we arrived mum was sat on a chair with people around her and the police had just arrived. She had no idea where she was and why she was there, she still thought I was her friend. The people on the street told me that a black car had pulled up and mum got out. They didn’t hang around but told them they had seen mum crying and walking up and down and bleeding on her face and offered to help she said she lived on ---road and had been to drs. Mum was looking for her house but didn’t know which one it was she was sobbing bleeding and confused.
The police told us to take mum back to her house and they would follow us there. They were concerned about mums safety not just that she had gone out alone with no idea where she to go, but also that she had no recollection of how she fell or where, and also the safety risk of mum accepting a lift from complete strangers who although had actually been trying to help, mum had not understanding of the risk of getting in the car and we were lucky she had been helped by good samaritans rather than people who could have taken advantage of her confused state. Mum still did not think she lived in her house and still was asking about getting home to her husband and daughter and also wanting to go home to her mum. The police called again for an ambulance as they were concerned mum had bumped her head and face and thought they warranted a check, the was so confused, but on hearing it could be a couple of hours suggested we take mum to a&e.
Mum has superficial cuts and grazes to her hands, arm, forehead and knees and quite a large one down length of her nose. In a&e yesterday mum was constantly talking about going home to her mum, thought I was her friend and had no idea why we were in a&e, she couldn’t remember where she had been going, or why, or what had happened. The Dr in a&e were concerned that she would not be safe if they sent her home and she had slightly raised infection markers so they admitted her. Mum could not understand why she was staying there.
The Dr from mums ward has called and there is no significant cause infection wise that could be causing her confusion. As it’s not an infection that will clear and mum will be less confused soon once she gets over infection I can only assume this her normal now as it has been for past few weeks and I can no longer keep her safe and in her home.
Mums has been increasingly trying to leave and go home to her house she has attempted it every day for the past week. I have up to yesterday just managed to keep her there and safe but now a crisis has happened and if she returns home this will happen again. I can not prevent she needs professional full time care.
Mum still thinks she lives with my dad, her mums house, or has been trying to go out to find her young teenage daughter who is out playing, which is me. She has been getting up to leave and talking about leaving every day while I have been there and also while carer was there on Tuesday. The carer had to call me to go over and it took the 3 of of us an hour to convince mum to stay and have her dinner and then my husband and I stayed until just before 9 when the door sensor was due before leaving. It did actually activate and we had to turn round to go back as mum wasn’t responding to their calls but she did go back in few minutes later and say she had been sat outside trying to cool off. Then she rang me and my sister multiple times till after 11 pm asking where we were, where her kids were, where her mum was and saying she needed to go home to them. She has been calling multiple times a night when I have gone home most nights asking a variety of things. She thinks its her mums house my uncles house, she wanted to sleep on sofa because she saw a man with my uncle and thought he lived there and she couldn’t she thought my dad lived there, all of which she has not seen but to mum are very real. She has said a few times she thinks its her mums house and her mum isnt in, our andrea has gone out she needs to find her, a young girl she’s not sure who has been but left and she has probably gone to her other house so she is going there to find her, my sisters young boys who are all grown up were there, there have been so many scenarios that are confused, multiple ones at once. My husband and I have driven over to her house a few times this past week and parked below her house to watch the door as she’s been so agitated and confused on the phone wanting to leave that we felt there was a real risk she would go out but we daren’t go in the house as that would make her more confused as she doesn’t recognise me.
She has left her house and gone out now and we are extremely lucky that she wasn’t run over, had a serious accident, or picked up by someone who took advantage, if mum is returned home I can not prevent this happening again. I have done my best to prevent this but as yesterday shows I am no longer able to do that. She is a vulnerable person and needs care that I can no longer provide I keep being told mums best interests have to be considered and her best interests now are that she needs full time care. She is not safe at home, she doesn’t understand what is wrong with her and says she doesn’t want to go in to a care home, she doesn’t understand why she would need one or what happens if she stays at home, honestly it’s not what I want for either which is why I have given up my own life to try to care for her but I am unable to continue her needs are now too much for one person who she doesn’t recognise, it’s not what we want but it is what mum needs now. Surely someone has a duty of care to look after her.
SW rang me and very forcefully told me she agrees mum needs care and wants us if mum is discharged to take her straight to a respite home without taking her home. If she goes for respite they will be able to keep her there she won't be able to say she wants to go home and them just send her home. They'll have to contact SS ans MC and they will say she can't leave and will have to find another place for her. So it seems if she does go into a CH she will be staying in. The SW said she didn't want us to bring her home today. But we do have to do it unless hospital do.
Dr rang late morning and said she was medically fit to leave but I told him I cant keep her safe, a little of why and that MC and SS think should have care but SW say haven't got enough evidence yet. He said he'd go away and look into it and ring me later.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,660
South East
They have duty of care (SS) ! Refuse to collect her from hospital , they will just want to free up the bed . Would of thought you would hear from discharge nurse /hospital SW . I’m not too clued up on it but I think you have done the right thing by saying you can’t take her home . Hope you get some news soon though these things seem to take an age . Take care x
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
416
Very clear, you cannot keep mum safe, can’t they just use hospital transport and transfer her to a home. (The right home, not just any old home) I feel for you all but now is the time to dig your heels in.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
449
South east
I was call to speak to hospital SW. has she got her house keys with her? I ask because hospital might try to send her home without telling you. When my Dad was in hospital each time we used to remove his keys and take the key out of his keysafe so they couldn’t discharge him without us knowing and with no carers scheduled. Thinking of you all and hoping your mum is moved into care ASAP.
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
93
Andrea, do NOT pick her up from hospital! If you do it relieves them of the responsibility for your Mum's care. As difficult as this will be, it is time. You have given up everything to keep your Mum safe and it has been very clear to all of us how much you love her and want to do what she wants but that is no longer possible. You and your sister need to step back and let the system do their job as they should have way before now. It is a miracle that your Mum is ok and has come out of this crisis with only some minor injuries, imagine what you would be feeling if she had been badly hurt or had not survived. Please, please take this as the warning it was and know that you have done everything possible to keep her safe and happy. The worst case is that the original placement may not be exactly what you would want but then the challenge will only be to find a place that is better suited, not keeping her safe.

Take a deep breath , and let the process happen, if you have a particular home in mind use your energy to lobby for placing her there, but accept that there is no longer a choice and just get on with it.

With best wishes
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,701
Hi @annielou, I'm totally in agreement with what @millalm has just said. Don't take her home. I guess if SS sort out a respite place taking her there might be a good idea, but it's SS not you that should be sorting that out. If she is dropped off by hospital, don't go over. just phone SS again and remind them of their duty of care. The whole thing is now beyond just one person's ability, specially someone who isn't recognised by the person with dementia. Stand firm and get them to sort it.
I wouldn't worry if the place offered doesn't look ideal. It might just suit your mum and there will be time later to sort out something more suitable if it doesn't. The important thing is that she isn't allowed home, and that you don't try to continue to keep her safe.
In all of this try to look after yourself too. {{{hugs}}}}
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
738
Lytham St Annes
Wonderful email well done.

As other have said please do not accept your Mum home, let them sort it out please.

I understand it’s difficult but you have to be strong now and demand they provide the care your Mum deserves and desperately needs, this could have ended so much worse!!!

Keep strong and stress you can not provide even the level of care you have been because it’s not enough to keep her safe anymore x
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
423
Dear Annielou
You have put it all so clearly in your email, SS must take over to keep your mum safe. You have tried so hard, but things are just escalating.
Be strong and insist you cannot be there for your mum, the hospital must not discharge her back to her own home, tho they may try.
After my dad had a heart attack the hospital SW wanted to discharge him to the care of my mum, who has dementia. She said he was fine, and didn't need carers, despite the fact he couldn't get up by himself. Eventually they did provide care, but not without me saying I would hold the hospital responsible if they discharged him home without care.
Wishing you strength in your struggle to get your mum the help she needs xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,642
Yorkshire
Thanks for all the replies xx I really appreciate them xx
SWs here don't arrange respite, or find homes, it's the family that arranges it and takes them in. So it is up to us to find where we want mum to go and take her there. They also don't get involved if mum is in hospital as the hospital has their own SW who arranges things if need a CH from there.
I rang amu this afternoon and the nurse said mum was going to be transferred from amu to elderly care ward later this afternoon to be assessed by OT and physiotherapists to see what she needs in place before she leaves so she would be staying in tonight. I asked about taking mum some clothes in and visiting, nurse said they didn't allow visitors on the amu ward but she thought elderly care ward were allowing visitors so to call them after mum was transferred and ask them. I rang elderly care ward this evening to see if could take mum some clothes etc in and she said they were trialling visitors from tomorrow so if I ring in morning I can book in for a visit and take things then. I asked how mum was if she was ok and she said Yes she's a dream. She asked if I wanted her to tell mum I'd called and give her a message, so I said Yes can you tell her her daughter rang, I love her lots and will see her soon.
I'm glad mum was ok. Sis and I are wondering if mum is in hostess mode to show she's fine to get out of hospital and home quicker. The Dr on amu had said she was a bit confused and wandering a bit on there this morning, but was ok and was walking round eating and getting tea on ward and had scored quite high on the AMT test.
So I'm thinking the hospital will want to discharge her home rather than to a home as I think she'll appear not to need one yet. Not sure what is going to happen tomorrow, if mum will be discharged or kept in, as it's friday that could mean that they'll want to assess her in time for her to come out for weekend. I'll ring ward in morning to arrange a visit and take her some clothes in, but she may be discharged by the afternoon. The waiting and not knowing what is going on and when things are going to happen is hard.
SW has said if mum is discharged from hospital we should take her straight for respite and then change it to a short stay and then permanent stay. I was worried that if mum went in for respite and said she didn't want to stay then they would send her home and couldn't keep her there against her wishes like SW had said they couldn't put mum in CH against her wishes, but SW said they won't do that its slightly different when she is in CH and the CH can apply for a dols if need be, they have their own procedures and work with MC to get mum settled and SW.
SW said we should ring the homes we are thinking of for mum, explain mums challenging behaviours and ask them if they can cope with them and are willing to, before we decide where to take mum. We had found one in next village to me which when sis talked to them before had said mum could go there, but when sis rang today and explained mums behaviour when wanting to go home etc they said they didn't do emi care and suggested the other home sis has rung before. Sis rang that one again today and explained mums behaviour to them and they said yes they can accept her. SW said she knew manager from home in next village when she was telling us what to explain to CHs and this afternoon
SW rang me back later in afternoon to see what I'd heard from hospital and asked if we'd contacted any homes which I said we had and told her that one couldn't accept mums behaviours and she said she had spoke to manager herself and they'd said same to her. So it looks like it will be the other one if we take her.
One of the homes explained to sis that if hospital SW decides mum needs a CH they will send the assessment to all homes in area asking if they can take her in and cope with care needs and then homes who can get back to hospital SW. So it depends on what the hospital SW put in their assessment (if decide mum needs home and do one) that is sent out to CHs as to what level of care she'll get and if home will be suitable.
Sis and I went over to mums today and packed mum a small bag with pjs, a couple of sets of clothes, toothbrush and things, flannel and towel, puzzle book and pen, mints and some hobnobs as that's what mum eats for breakfast usually. We'd hoped we'd be able to drop it in this evening but she said to bring it in visiting tomorrow so mum still has nothing with her only the clothes she went there in yesterday. It was weird being in mums house without mum and knowing where she was made us both upset. I cancelled mums carer visit this afternoon and then carer herself rang me to ask about mum and talk about tuesday. She was really nice, and worried about mum, she is such a lovely person bless her. While sis and I were over at mums getting bag together we saw mums neighbour so gave her a little update on mum too. I also called MC to update them on mum but mums support worker is on leave this week so they put note on system to call next week and said if I need to talk to someone in mean time then I can speak to duty nurse as notes are on system, I asked then to contact the OT who came last friday and was coming back tomorrow to cancel tomorrow visit too as mum won't be there.
Its been an odd day with lots of waiting around talking on phones and wondering what is going to happen and when. It has felt really weird not seeing mum today and I've been crying a lot and worrying about what happens next and how mum is. I keep seeing mum sat in the wheelchair being wheeled out of a&e to ward last night she looked like a lost little girl.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
738
Lytham St Annes
Such a difficult time...but it’s now upto SS to step up and protect your Mum, it’s their duty to safeguard her....you can’t do it, her illness is too far gone now, and I really don’t think medication is going to enable her to remain safely at home...it just isn’t.

Your mum must go to either respite or a care home from hospital.....do not allow them to send her home with promises of care.

You know in your heart that you have done everything above and beyond for your Mum, and boy have you made personal sacrifice to do it....now it’s time to let the professionals take over.

Honestly please believe that your not going to lose your relationship with your Mum it’s just going to change for the better, you will be able to still be there caring and loving her, but in a different way.

The most important thing is your Mum’s safe and taken care of 24 hours a day, she will settle and be with people to give that constant reassurance she now needs, the dementia won’t go away, but your Mum will be in a safe place that she will learn to consider her home, and all of the carers I know (including my husband) are very caring and dedicated people, who will want your Mum to be as settled and happy as she can be.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
449
South east
It does seem that SWs in your area do very much at all. I would speak to the hospital SW and say that you will not allow your mum home as you cannot keep her safe. If she has her house keys and you are allowed to visit I would try to take them from her to prevent them discharging her home. She should go straight from hospital to a care home visa hospital transport. It will relieve of the stress of trying to get her there. Wishing you all the best.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,377
Hospital SW's do not routinely assess everyone prior to them leaving hospital, and if they assess your mum I imagine it could well result in the same situation you have been having with your mum's usual SW - they will deem her to have capacity, ask her if she wants to go into a home and she will say no. You will then be back to square one again.

You have found a home that has a space and will take your mum for respite. Your mum's social worker has said that once she is in there they can then consider making the stay more permanent. If the hospital states that your mum is ready for discharge then you just need to liaise with the home to let them know and then ask the hospital to provide transport to take her there. You could tell your mum that she is just going there for a while 'on doctor's orders' to recuperate.

The biggest hurdle you have been having for weeks now is that your mum's usual SW says that she needs to go into a home for respite but your mum will not agree. This is your opportunity to now facilitate this for your mum to ensure that she is kept safe. Once she is in the home then you can start discussing a more permanent placement with her usual SW and the care home, who will be able to assess how she is during the respite period. You may well find that your mum settles well and her anxiety is reduced when she has people around her 24/7.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
867
Hi @annielou, sorry to hear about everything that has happened, the Social Care system has really let you and your Mum down. The assigned social worker should be liaising with the hospital assessment team (social care) to provide them with the verified background to your Mum's current situation, thereby ensuring she will not be discharged home. The hospital assessment team should be arranging appropriate care for your Mum. However, well done to you and your sister for finding somewhere suitable to take Mum. As others have said it is the ideal opportunity to say to Mum it's 'Doctors orders'. I wouldn't worry about Mum being in hostess mode she wouldn't be able to keep that up over a period of time.

At the moment you are in the eye of the storm with seemingly so many uncertainties. Once Mum is in the care home then you can make more permanent plan for her, she will be much happier as they will be able to be there for her when she is frightened and confused. It is a massive step for you after all you have done to keep Mum living at home, but it is necessary as Mum's desire to go 'home' or look for relatives will not desist. I hope you get some resolution today. Hang on in there and stay strong.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,701
Hi @annielou, so glad your sister has been able to come and support you. I hope today you get, as @Pete1 says, your mother's social worker and the team at the hospital working together. I'm glad you've found somewhere for her to go for respite. When there they can properly assess your mum, but it sounds like a permanent move to a home is going to be the way forward. I wouldn't look too much ahead at the moment, just one step at a time. The fact your mum seems to be happy in the hospital bodes well for how she'll take to a care home.
I hope you managed a good night's sleep last night, and that now your sister's here your husband can get a bit of time to himself too. He's been a total star throughout all this.
{{{hugs}}} to you all.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,729
cornwall
Thinking of you today. Sending ((hugs)) as everyone on before me has given you some good advice. Stand strong and know we are with you..