Not a good day yesterday Mum was confused from the off, on phone with sis in morning. Then didn't want to come to ours and wanted to be on her own, thinking about her mum cos she'd died. Didn't want any lunch, not in mood to eat. Had some work to do, it'd give her something to do, didn't want me to stay and help, didn't want company just wanted to be on own. She made us a cup of tea but rushed us to finish and go. Gentle persuasion didn't work so about 1.20 we left. We had a click and collect between 2 and 4 so thought we'd go home for lunch and go later to collect it and I'd go back to mums for afternoon.
Mum rang at 1.50 while I was making lunch. Asked where I was, if W(my dad) was with me, thought he'd been with me. I told her No, hubby and I had been at her house and left when she told us to and were at our house now. She asked if we'd got home ok and then again if W was with us. I said no again. Mum said Ok sorry love I'm confused. I said yeah I think a bit. Mum said Ok I'll see you later and then mum said Sorry for thinking W with you. I said it's ok. Mum said I'll see you later love She was confused but sounded ok so hubby and I said we'd have an hour at home then go back out
Mum rang again about 45 minutes later very confused. Asking where she lived, was she in right house, did she live there or did W, did we all live there, where's her stuff, where was the other house we'd been living in. I answered simply as could. Then mum asked if she'd see me sometime so I said I'd go back over and see her later when we picked shopping up . She said I think 'friend' and her hubby were here this morning and sounded annoyed at it so I told her it was me and my hubby there this morning and mum said Oh good cos I don't want to see them two! Went back to more where's her stuff, her wardrobes and clothes? I said there so she went to check and said oh yes, I know this is my house cos its got pink walls but W was living here wasn't he? I said No. Mum said Its confusing. I said I know try not to think about it too much it'll just mix you up more, try to think I'm ok, it dun't matter now and it'll come back to you later. Mum said I will love, sorry for pestering you asking questions. I said It's ok, then mum said I know this is my house thats my, and reeled off half stuff in house then said,But I thought W had been living here. I said he hadn't it was her house that's why her stuffs there. She said she'd have to pick up rest of stuff and I said she'd took everything she wanted when she moved in. Mum said ok and I changed subject to lunch and shopping and hung up with her sounding better.
I rang on way to supermarket and said be bout half hour, she sounded fine and jolly but when we turned up at hers she was sat with telephone and address book on her knee looking panicky and said I can't find where I live I'm trying to find how to get home. I told her she is home and this is her house. She said Oh, then, Are you my Andrea? I said I Yes. Mum said But this is where W lives. I told her It's not it's your house. Mum said But he was here. I said Well he's not now so don't worry. Hubby and I took mums shopping in kitchen, washed hands, I could hear mum talking so went in room, mum had front door open. I said What you doing mum? I'm looking which way I go home. I said You are home, come back inside. Are you sure? I said Yes. She came back in.
We did shopping, hubby went home and I stayed.We talked a bit but it was mostly confused. She might need food for her brother unless he has it somewhere else, maybe at his home. Other stuff as if brothers lived with her. Said I think I saw W here today but he didn't stay I think he were just coming to get somert he dint even talk to me stupid ******. Asked if I was ok with hubby, then she said I haven't seen our Andie or -(sis) today, well I maybe saw our andie earlier I'm not sure. Most of the afternoon was mixed up bits and not seen me or sis.
Then got stuck on Has our Andrea gone out? where's she gone? She went off somewhere yesterday too. Just before 6 I suggested having dinner, Mum said she wasn't bothered but I said I was hungry and talked bout what to have and went in kitchen to put it on. Mum said Where's our Andie? I'm going to look for her and got up, I went in room and said I'm here. Mum said You're not, I'm going out to find her. She went to front door. I said Where are you going mum I'm here. She said No you're not I'm going to find our Andie. I said Come back in, NO! She went out to front gate. She was looking up and down street, I panicked a bit, I kept saying she's not out there, come back in, lets have dinner, she'll be back later. Mum kept saying No. I said Mum will you come in she's not out here. Mum snapped SHUT UP! She reached for gate latch as she turned to look over her shoulder at me and said I'm going to look for her. Then she let go of gate and started walking across garden and I heard neighbour say hello. Mum said I've lost my daughter, well I've not lost her I want her to come have some tea so I'm looking for her. Mums neighbour s looked a bit stunned and said Oh, I said It's ok, Come in mum lets go make dinner. Mum said bye and came back, neighbour said bye. Bet she wondered what was happening.
Mum came in and opened back door, I asked What're you doing? Mum said I'm looking for our Andie I want her to come and have some tea. I said She's at home she'll be having her tea at her own house. Mum said This is her home she should be here. I told mum Andrea was grown up now, married, had her own house, she didn't live here now. Mum didn't believe that. I said How old is Andrea? Mum said A teenager. I said You're 73 you wouldn't have a teenage daughter, Andrea is 48,has her own house, you've got wedding photo on wall in room. Mum said I thought she was a teenager. I said She's all grown up now. Mum went in room, I put dinner on. I started talking about Jane Mcdonald starting as mum loves that. Mum sat arms folded, foot tapping grumpy, I kept trying, she eventually answered. While I was checking dinner mum said Well she isn't going to have any then is she. I said no she'll be having some dinner at her own home.
After dinner mum said I wonder where our Andrea is? I said She's married now she'll be at her own home. Wonder where she is though I bet she int at home I bet she's at someone elses house. I said again She's married and will be at home. Yeah but she's not here, unless she's up at home, but I can't remember where it is where we live but she must be there cos she's not here is she. I said No cos she's married and doesn't live here with you anymore she has her own house. Mum growled and said Yes but where is she she isn't here. She asked where Our Andrea lived, I told her , mum said She can't have gone home cos it's a long way and she couldn't have walked. I said She'd have got bus or hubby will have picked her up. Mum said Well she won't know way back from here she ant lived here, well she did as a kid but not for ages, she won't know way. I said If she found her way here she'll know way back, she'll be fine. Mum got her address book looking through it. I kept trying to distract her talking about tv, after bit she put book down
About 7.30 mum washed up and watered plants, then back to, Where is our bloody andrea. She got keys, I asked What you doing, mum said Going to look for her. I asked Where you going to look, mum said Out on street. I said She's not out there she's at home. Mum said Well she was playing next door but one earlier. I said Andrea is grown up now mum she's married. Mum growled again, but sat down fiddling with keys. Mum said She was here earlier and wouldn't have gone without telling me. I said Maybe she did, maybe you were in garden doing washing and you didn't hear her. Mum got her address book again and kept saying She wouldn't have gone without saying bye, or She doesn't know way home. I kept trying to answer.
The it switched to Where is he? I said Who? Mum said One of the lads, Mum thought one of my sisters sons had been with her when she came here this morning I said I didn't know and hadn't seen them, then it switched to this afternoon, I said not seen them they were probably at home where lived. Short pause then onto I can't believe our Andrea married - (hubby) he's too old for her. I think she'd got my hubby and 'friends' hubby mixed up, she often does. I kept trying to chat to her and she would for a minute but then she'd go back to address book.
10 minutes later hubby arrived. I was worried about leaving mums at usual 7 in case went looking for me, door sensor doesn't start till 9 so I'd told hubby to come for me about 8.40 so we could leave about 8.50 to give mum time to lock up without setting it off. I got hubby to turn round on next road and I went and stood at the end of mums road for 10 minutes till after 9 just in case she came back out.
We had 7 missed calls when we got in, I rang back. Mum said When I didn't answer she thought me, my sister, and others had gone down to pub (one dad used to go to) I said No I'm at home. I fibbed and said I'd been in garden. Mum said she thought sis was here, thought she'd talked to her earlier. I said she'd rung earlier it was probably that. Mum agreed, said See you tomorrow, I'm at my house, well it was mine and W's but its mine now I said Yeah I know where you mean. Mum said I thought I'd give it a go. I might be bit scared in bed though cos theres a light goes off on end. I said it's probably a cat we have one round here sets them off and mum said Yes it is . Ok see you tomorrow night love. She sounded fine, confused but fine.
I was on edge all night, I was worried mum was going to go out looking for me and get lost. If she hadn't spotted neighbour at dinnertime I'd have been following her down road cos she wouldn't come in when I asked. Plus I realised I'd not given her galantamine, I wasn't there at lunch and at dinner I forgot. We were in middle of where's our Andrea, but I'm mad at myself
BTW, it might be a good idea to be proactive and contact the local police to implement the Herbert Protocal - they take details of someone who is vulnerable, so that if she does go walkabout it will be easier for them to identify her.
Hi @annielou , to say it was a difficult day is an understatement. I did what @canary suggested, the Police were confused themselves when I mentioned the Herbert Protocol but eventually we worked it out and they took Mums and my details. I dont know if you have spoken with the neighbours but might be worth explaining the situation to those that you know and trust and they can keep an eye out too. Take care of yourself.
@annielou , please don’t be mad at yourself , you were in the thick of it and were trying to keep things on an even keel , one or two tablets missed really won’t hurt . I hope today is a little easier for you all . Agree about Herbert protocol , I was given the info on that from family Navigator . I really should do it . Take care X
What a difficult day @annielou. You did really well to try and keep your mum on an even keel. I really feel for your husband ferrying you back and forwards too.
Hope today is a bit better, but your mum really does seems to be edging her way towards setting off in search of you, or her mum or your dad very soon.
Hope today is a bit better
Thanks for your replies @canary@Bikerbeth@Pete1@Woo2@Sarasa xxxxx
I was told about Herbert protocol when mum had first SW visit in October last year so went on website and looked and printed forms. When I read it though it didn't give you option to submit any details before hand, it read like the forms were there for you to fill in ready to save time if you ever needed them. That way if someone went missing you didn't have to try answer all these questions while upset you could just hand the forms and photo over to the police. It suggested print and fill in a couple of copies to keep easy to reach in different places but didn't say could pre-register the info with police in case, so I'll have another look in case missed something and can give her details in case.
Today has been better than yesterday, but I didn't cope too well today, I made mum and myself cry which I feel awful about I said things to mum I know I shouldn't say.
I rang mum to say I was on way over this morning she sounded fine but then she put phone down but forgot to hang up. I could hear her talking. She said Why's she coming? I hope (hubby) isn't coming I can't cope with both, I don't want him coming. I don't know why our Andreas coming. She kept huffing. I told hubby to drop me off it didn't sound like mum was coming to ours. I went in, said Hello like normal, Mum had grumpy face. I told her not hung up but I didn't mention hearing her. She was bit snappy asking what I was doing while I was washing my hands and getting drink and when I tried chat afterwards. I noticed the flap from heating controls on top of fire so I asked mum what had happened. She said It fell off. I asked how? mum said It just came off I don't know what does it matter, its broke. I had stuck paper over it a while ago to stop her fiddling with buttons as she kept mucking it up and that was torn too. I went and put it back on. I said Its back on now, its fine now. Mum said Good for you.
We sat in silence for a while and then mum said Are you leaving hubby on his own? I said He's fine he's gone home to cut grass. Mum said Couldn't he have come in? in snotty voice. I shouldn't have but I said We heard you say you didn't want him here so he thought he'd go straight home instead of coming in. Mum said I didn't say that. I said You said it to yourself after we said bye on phone earlier. Mum said Well why did you come then? I said I come everyday. Mum said Why do you come everyday I don't ask you to. I said I come to keep you company, give you tablets and make dinner. Mum said I've had my tablets today. I said You've have one at lunch, she said I've just had em, I said they're morning ones you have another at lunch. Mum said I'm not bothered.
I left it a bit and then tried talking and she joined in. Mum said I was going to wash my hair this morning but had no water, I asked Where? mum said Shower, I tried shower and tap, I said Oh is that why flap was off heating controls were you trying turn hot water on? Mum said I don't know I tried turn shower on but no water came out. I went to try and it came on, I asked mum if she pulled power cord on ceiling first, she didn't know what I meant. I pulled light cord next to it and it didn't come on, bulb had gone. I asked mum if light worked earlier she said she didn't know. I think mum got distracted when light didn't come on, forgot to put power to shower on, thought water not working so gone and fiddled with heating/water control panel then forgot about it till I asked.
We had lunch and watched tv and chatted, mum was talking about things in past as if recent, her brothers doing things in house for her as if lived there, asked about her mum and W (my dad) a few times. Then at 2 o'clock she stood up said Well my mums dead, W's dead I've got nobody Do you want a cup of tea 'friend'? and went in kitchen to put kettle on. for next hour she'd ask about W and her mum for a few minutes, then she'd moan about tv, then sit quiet for few minutes looking sad and start again.
She said she needed ring brother to see when funeral was and got address book out. I told her they'd had it she'd been, she said she hadn't and was going to get phone to ring so I told her It was a long time ago she died and they had funeral then. Mum asked when and then said Why didn't I know? I said she did she'd just forgot. She asked How? I said sometimes she forgets things because her memory doesn't work as well as it used to, Mum said it felt like just happened. I said that's cos your mind sometimes remembers old things but forgets whats happened since so it feels like it just happened. Mum said Thats not good is it. I said No its sad and not fair but it happens unfortunately.
She was ok for about bit then just before 4 she said I haven't seen our Andrea the cheeky ******. She sat playing with her pen looking fed up. I tried chatting, she said she was upset about her mum. I said it was a long time ago but it's still sad, did she want to do something to take her mind off it. She said no. Sat bit longer then moaned at tv and said bored I asked if she wanted do something she said no, I suggested colouring, it used to calm her, but she said no, got her address book again.
5 o'clock mum said Our Andrea MY bloody daughter is living with (hubby) and I can't stand him, I didn't know owt about it. I said You like (hubby) Mum snapped I don't I can't stand him and they didn't tell me. I was annoyed so I told her I'm Our Andrea her daughter and hubby is her son in law, she's known him for 30 years since I met him at 17 and I still lived with her, she knew we got married when I was 20, she came to wedding, seen him more or less every week since and last year almost everyday, she always said she liked him. Mum said I don't I only just know, he's been with HER before. I said I think you're mixing us up mum maybe with friends but we've been together for years and not switched wives or husbands with anyone. Mum said There's no need to shout, I hadn't exactly shouted but I had got louder. I said I'm sorry mum I know you don't realise and don't mean to be nasty but it hurts to hear it. Mum said It hurts me, then sat in silence.
Bit later mum said Our Andrea doesn't come to see me. I said I'm here. Mum said You're not her. Minute later, I never see our Andrea. I was fed up and said You won't. Mum said Why? I shouldn't have but I said Cos you don't recognise her when she's here. I'm her mum, I'm here everyday. Mum said No you're not, you don't come everyday. I said I am, I come everyday. Mum said She didn't ask me to. I started crying and I'm not proud of myself, feel really guilty because I said You do ask me to, I've given up allsorts to look after you, I've stopped my crafting work, I don't go out, or see friends or get to relax cos I'm either here or wondering if going to call me and worrying about, I don't sleep properly, I can't even concentrate on tv. Mum said I don't call you I don't have your number. I said You do. I told her rings on night when confused or upset and some days sends me home then rings me to come back, or cos shes confused. She asked when and why she sends me home so I said somedays she thinks I've done or said something she doesn't like or believe, others I try to get her to do things she doesn't want to, others she's upset and wants to be on her own, or she thinks I'm not me and wants me to go but when I go rings later and wants me to come back, often not knowing she's already seen me. I said I know you can't help it I know you don't realise you're doing it and don't remember you've done it but I do. I try to be kind and calm and not let it upset me but I'm not a saint mum I can't always do it. I Love you so much and I want to help you, I want to look after you mum but I can't do it all on my own. Especially when you don't know who I am and sometimes don't want my help cos you want our Andrea but I am her, you just don't realise it so send me away.
Mum said I didn't know that. I said I know that's part of Alzheimers you don't know you're doing it but that doesn't help me know how to deal with it all on my own. Mum asked What can I do then? Nobody's offering me any help. I said they have mum but you won't accept any you say no to everything. She said Who? So I told her about SW and MC coming and she always tells them she's ok and doesn't need any help when they offer her carers and things, she's fine on her own and when I tell them what she does need help with she calls me a liar. When they offer her help she says no and gets angry if we talk about her, threatens to throw us out and tells me not to come back. I said SW sat outside cos you tried make me go and stop me going back in and SW was worried bout me. Mum said Oh Andie don't come again that's not fair I'm sorry and she started to cry. I feel awful for making her cry. I said I'm sorry mum I know you don't mean it and can't help it and you think you are fine and we're wrong. I try to help I want to, I just find it hard. Mum said I think I'm ok I manage to get myself off to bed don't I? I said Yes but somedays you ring me upset or confused and scared and told her some of reasons why.
Mum said I don't know what to do, do I need to go in home? I said I know you don't want to but I think it would help. When you're confused or scared or upset there'd be people there to reassure you and take mind off things and people to talk to and wouldn't be on your own and I could visit you but know you're safe when I can't be with you. Mum said But they're not nice. they dont even give you own clothes. I said They do. sometimes get odd bit mixed up but put names in em. Mum said They're all mental and its scary, I said They're not, I know it's scary but so is being on your own. I said she scared me yesterday and told her about looking for me outside. Mum said I'm sorry I didn't know. I said I know, its not your fault, you cant help it. Its an awful thing to have and I wish I could take it away and make you better cos I love you. She said I love you, it's not fair you've got no life, you shouldn't have to keep being here. I said I love you and I want to look after you but I can't manage it all on my own. I was feeling really guilty and struggling to stop crying. Mum asked about her mum, then W, if she had friend. Said Maybe I'd be better off if I had a friend to help. If I'd stayed with W maybe I'd have been better. I said it wouldn't have stopped it mum its an illness.
We calmed down and had dinner but mum kept asking bout her mum dying, why she didn't know, W dying, why, where she lived, what happened to house, saying she hadn't seen our andrea, or my sister. She didn't disagree with my answers but kept asking same things till hubby came at 7.20.
Thanks @Bikerbeth x I feel so guilty for getting grumpy and then upset and telling her about being there and when she tells people she doesn’t need help etc. I know she doesn’t remember or realise so its just upsetting to her when I tell her. I felt like worse person in the world when she cried and said sorry yet I still told her. I felt bad like I was bringing her down and upsetting snd scareing her afterwards. I did say sorry after we’d calmed down and put dinner on and we had a hug. She was asking questions after and seemed to be trying to think of someone else to help look after or make her better, but she was quite calm just couldn't retain my answers so kept asking till hubby came. She seemed ok when we left, asked us put a dvd on for her before we went and said see you tomorrow.
She only rang once last night at 10.30 asked where kids were. I didn’t know what kids meant but turned out she thought she’d been looking after my sisters sons and then my dad had been and took them out somewhere she didn’t know where. He’d not brought them back there and she wanted to check they were ok but didn’t know where to ring so she rang me to see if I knew. As this she was explaining to me she’d not been too sure if was mixed up or not so I said it was a bit of a mix up, the kids hadn’t been and we were all fine at our own homes. Mum said Oh good I’m sorry for ringing love I’m daft. I told her she wasn’t she was probably just getting tired and maybe nodded and got bit mixed up. Mum said Aye probably. I asked her if she watched her dvd and chatted for a minute or two before we said night etc. She sounded ok and didn’t ring back again last night so hopefully she will have settled.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. None of us have infinite patience especially when we have had a broken night through worry.
I ham hoping that you both have a nice day today .
What sort of crafts do you do? Perhaps you could use one of your afternoons off to do some?
Thanks @Woo2@Starting on a journey@canary@notsogooddtr xxxx
It was so sad to see her upset but I still said it. I even told her when she tells SW and me she doesn't need help and does everything herself they say I'm supposed to leave her to it and not go help but I can't cos I love her and am scared something bad will happen like she'll get hurt or ill so I still go even when she's being nasty to me telling me to go and not come back. Mum was sorry and said she didn't know she did that and I should leave her to it. It felt bad to see her being sorry and upset and it was pointless really, mum can't help it and can't remember what she's said properly anyway so even though she said sorry and things she can't do anything about it. She'll probably only remember I made her feel bad and think I said something nasty to her and wanted to put her in a home. That'll be my punishment for being awful and saying it in first place cos at some point it'll come back to bite me.
I used to sew and make little bits and bobs that I sold online and at craft fairs @Starting on a journey but I stopped and closed my online shop last year as I didn't have time with being at mums so much. Apart from knitting at mums sometimes I don't do any making now. I don't do much when I'm not at mums, on afternoons off I iron and clean and on evenings I just sit and think, going over the day and sometimes put simple programmes on tele like home programmes as I can't concentrate on proper series very often and never know when we'll get interrupted. I should try do something instead of sitting wallowing really.