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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x Yes they've been quite good compared to past weeks, since the weekend of SW visit mum has been a lot calmer and not really been aggressive since then. I'm not sure if its something to do with that or if sertraline is kicking in again. Either way it's been better for us all. I was pleasantly surprised when she let me do housework at hers yesterday and didn't flip and turn on me during it like mostly did in past.
She isn't doing well on shower or hair washing front though, after washing her hair and making sure to tell me about her doing it that weekend after SW visit, she didn't wash it again all last week until the saturday and only went in shower, that I can tell, once during last week. I don't think she's been in the shower at all this week so no shower or hair wash since last saturday this week yet. Mum's neighbour goes in shower during the day and if its quiet at mums we can hear her scraping tiles and floor down with squeegee afterwards and mum often comments about how late she is showering and says she went in earlier that morning. I don't know why she says it when she hasn't been in at all. 🤔 :rolleyes:😟
She's been talking about her mum and my dad a lot again this week, thinking her mum is still alive and she should check if she is ok and thinking my dad has just left and asking where he is, or if I've seen him and mum has rung me or my sister on an evening quite a few times asking about him. She's not known who I am a lot of time like usual, so has also been asking about me while I'm there and when she's rung at night sometimes it's been to ask me if I've been to see her, so most calls she's been wondering why she is on her own not with her mum, my dad or me. At moment mum seems to think I was living with her and dad till they split up recently and keeps asking me what she did with our Andrea when she moved there. It makes me sound like some sort of ornament or bit of furniture as she asks in same way as she'll ask What happened to that picture? or Did I bring my cooker or hoover with me or is it still at other house?. She doesn't realise I'm our Andrea when she asks but it seems odd that she asks about what she did with me like she has no idea what happened, as if she just left me somewhere, which would be an odd thing to do with a person especially your daughter if it were true. :rolleyes:🤔
It's a funny thing this dementia
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
473
Mum's neighbour goes in shower during the day and if its quiet at mums we can hear her scraping tiles and floor down with squeegee afterwards and mum often comments about how late she is showering and says she went in earlier that morning. I don't know why she says it when she hasn't been in at all. 🤔 :rolleyes:😟
I think she believes she has! Dad certainly believed he was washing every day (yeah, right) as he always had done, and I think he just thought he had and of course - SS believe them unless they are stinky or have skin sores from dirt.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
I think she thinks of you as a much younger version of yourself as you would of been when her and dad were together . She seems locked in to that time , your nan wasn’t alive then though was she ? Sure you said she had passed before then . Mum thinks she is doing all the normal things , showering , brushing teeth, changing clothes daily , she can’t comprehend that she isn’t and seems surprised when encouraged to do these these things . Glad she had been happier /calmer seems the best we can hope for . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @imthedaughter xx
Its a weird thing, I agree she probably does think she does it but then actually doesn't when it’s time to. She must have forgot the process of doing it as she gets dressed but doesn’t seem to realise to shower. When I was staying here she would sometimes come out of bathroom and I’d remind her was supposed to be getting showered. Your right bout SW, when she was here she said skin was ok, no sign of sores or skin breaking down so no signs of self neglect. Suppose as mum remembers to shower or at least wash with a flannel sometimes she still looks ok to them.
i think most of time mums memory is stuck over 30 year ago when her and dad did split up and I was 18, shane I don’t still look 18 🙁There must also be a bit of 45 years ago thrown in as thats when her mum died and she talks about her and brothers as if its then too. I wish she’d forget about my dad altogether as he really wasn’t worth all this worry and upset over or worth missing.
I can’t help feeling a bit like a possession when she asks what she did with our Andrea, I’m sometimes tempted to say you left her in a cupboard or threw her on the tip. 😜
Actually I do sometimes think to mum I feel like a possesion or a thing rather than a person, something thats there just for her benefit, a tool to use to help her through life as it is now, with no recognition of me being a person with feelings or anything of my ownI to consider. But I’m trying not to think too much about that and just be grateful she has been calmer and things have been a bit easier lately. As you say it’s the best we can hope for x
Hope things are ok for you two too and hope everyone has as good a day as possible xxx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,391
South coast
People with dementias perception of things can be strange to say the least.
Mum was another one who, while she was at home, was convinced that she showered every day and put on clean clothes even though she was obviously dirty. She also maintained that she did all her own shopping, cooking, laundry and housework, although one look at her home would tell you otherwise :rolleyes:

I remember visiting her in her care home at a stage where her mobility had almost gone and she could only shuffle around with a zimmer frame (which was placed in front of her and she was holding on to). I told her that she was looking well and she said proudly "oh yes - I keep myself very fit by running up and down the stairs!"o_Oo_O On another occassion I was pushing her around a garden centre in her wheelchair and we came face to face with a floor to ceiling window that had turned into a mirror due to the lighting. Mum had no idea she was seeing herself and said "oh look at that poor old lady in a wheelchair - shoot me if I ever get to that stage" with absolutely no perception that she was old and that she was in a wheelchair.

Im afraid that your comment about them not seeing anyone else as a person with feelings and concerns of our own, but just as something for them to keep them going is very, very true.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
885
High Peak
Mum (before the Big Crisis) also thought she showered every day as that's what she used to do - get up early and have a shower.

I gradually worked out what was happening: she'd actually stopped going to bed. Instead she'd sleep in her chair (fully-clothed) with her feet up on a footstool. She was definitely losing her sense of what time of day it was so when she woke up in the chair, fully dressed, it made sense to her to think she'd just had a nap and had showered and put clean clothes on earlier when she 'got up'....

There were cobwebs and a lot of dust in her shower tray.

She also stopped going out (used to be every day) but would still book local coach trips, etc, then either forget or cancel them. When asked she started saying, 'I couldn't be a***d!' She would also say, 'I don't like XX - he really pi**es me off!' Both phrases she had never ever used before!
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
473
People with dementias perception of things can be strange to say the least.
Mum was another one who, while she was at home, was convinced that she showered every day and put on clean clothes even though she was obviously dirty. She also maintained that she did all her own shopping, cooking, laundry and housework, although one look at her home would tell you otherwise :rolleyes:

I remember visiting her in her care home at a stage where her mobility had almost gone and she could only shuffle around with a zimmer frame (which was placed in front of her and she was holding on to). I told her that she was looking well and she said proudly "oh yes - I keep myself very fit by running up and down the stairs!"o_Oo_O On another occassion I was pushing her around a garden centre in her wheelchair and we came face to face with a floor to ceiling window that had turned into a mirror due to the lighting. Mum had no idea she was seeing herself and said "oh look at that poor old lady in a wheelchair - shoot me if I ever get to that stage" with absolutely no perception that she was old and that she was in a wheelchair.

Im afraid that your comment about them not seeing anyone else as a person with feelings and concerns of our own, but just as something for them to keep them going is very, very true.
Oh @canary that stairs thing made me laugh. When I spoke to Dad after his last escape he told me he'd been out for a walk to 'keep ourselves fit'. Dad's had limited mobility for over thirty years... I don't think I'd have been able to hide the astonishment on my face. Half the time I think Dad is saying stuff he would have used to say or what he thinks he should say rather than applying any thought to it. Hence 'oh yes I go to Tesco for food or I go to the pub and meet with friends and of course I wash every day' :rolleyes:
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @ canary @Jaded'n'faded @imthedaughter xxx
Saying she has washed when she hasn't certainly seems a common theme. Its funny how she forgets to wash when its the time to be doing it but then during day still remembers she should be doing it so says she has when it comes up. Its like she hasn't completely forgot about showering, maybe it's just when or how she should do it that she's forgot.
It is so weird isn't it, and very sad that they can think and believe one thing while seeing something, or I suppose NOT seeing the reality. Like your mum not recognising herself or you I suppose @canary as she didn't ask why you were pushing the old lady in the wheelchair by sound of it either , mind you if she didn't want to ever get like that then maybe it was a blessing she didn't realise it was her. Your mum telling you she kept fit running up and down the stairs made me smile too. I find some of the things mum says funny others really sad some annoying but most mind boggling wondering how her brain can think that. Yesterday when she said she was hardly ever in it made me smile but I have no idea where it comes from as she's not really ever been one for going out everyday.
Mum used to come up with excuses before her diagnosis why she'd not done things too @Jaded'n'faded though not the same ones, bet it was a surprise when your mum said things out of character like that. Mums excuses were usually to do with her either having or thinking might have and upset tummy which she had a lot of. She still uses that excuse now, it's sometimes true but others it is just an excuse and she also says she's got some washing she wants to do while it's fine , or hasn't washed her hair, as she is only washing it about once a week nowadays that is quite an apt excuse though it doesn't seem to bother her it isn't washed when not talking about going out. She used the hair wash excuse tonight.
Mum rang me 1/2 hour after we left her house tonight asking me where I was. When I said I was at home she asked me where and when I told her she asked how old I was. She was surprised I am 48 and said she thought I was only about 17. Seems she thought I should be with her and was still young and was wondering where I'd gone now my dad had gone cos she was there alone. She was sorry she hadn't known I'd been at her house today so I told her the usual not to worry, she had known who I was when I was there, it's just cos her brain is getting tired, etc etc. She asked a few questions about me and hubby, where we lived and for how long and did she see me, plus a few of the usual questions about where my dad was and why she's on her own. They were going round a bit with some sorry she didn't know me and I'm going mental mixed in and then she asked if she'd see me sometime.
I'd already told her I'd be back tomorrow but I said it again and she said Can I see you at you house sometime? I said Course you can, Mum said Oh lovely. Then I said When we come tomorrow you can come to ours for lunch if you like. She seemed a bit panicked then and said Oh I don't know, will - (hubby) mind? I said No he won't mind at all he likes you to come to our house. Then mum said Oh well I don't know er I've not washed my hair. I said That's ok it's saturday tomorrow you usually wash it on saturdays (she did before but doesn't always now) Mum answered Er well ermm I'm not sure when everybody's coming. I told her Carer isn't coming till 1/4 to 11 so you can still get up at normal time and then go in shower and wash your hair with plenty of time before carer comes. She said Oh er maybe then, I'm not sure. I could tell she seemed a bit worried about coming so I said Well we can always decide tomorrow you don't have to say now. Mum said Oh good and sounded relieved then after a brief pause said Oh but will I still see you though? I told her Yes I'll come about 12 anyway and then either we can stay at yours or you can come over to ours in car with us. Mum blew out a phew sounding breath and said Oh yes thats good thank you. Then told me she loved me and I was lovely so I told her the same. She told me she was glad she saw me but was sorry she didn't know she did/ I told her again she did know when I was there it's just after I leave and she's getting tired she sometimes forgets but it doesn't matter. Its a bit of a fib as she most often doesn't know, including today, but if it helps a bit I'll say it.
She's been quite calm again today but as confused as ever and I wasn't surprised when she rang not long after we left. She's been asking on and off about my dad. When she's known who I am she was asking if he comes to see me, or if I've seen him and at other times when she hasn't known me she's been saying she hasn't seen our Andrea, or our Andrea said she was coming but hasn't and I was going to ask if she's seen her dad, or I wonder if she's seen her dad, or I wonder if she's with her dad. She's also been asking if she could go up to her other house, one she lived at with dad, to get her stuff, or do I think he's emptied the house, I wonder if our Andrea will know. Bless her it must be so hard and feel so odd for her trying to make sense of things when what's in her mind does't match with reality.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x an up n down day yesterday, carer visit went ok though and day started better than lot of weekends have recently.
Hubby and I took mums shopping in about 12 and hubby asked mum what she was doing today, was she coming to our house? and mum said yes. So we hurried her along getting her stuff together and came back to our house. Mum was ok for few hours then she started getting bit fidgety about 3 so I made us cuppa and slice of cake which worked for a while but about 1/4 to 4 she said she was going home cos her daughter was coming. I told her I was here so I was already with her but she didn't get it, said I wasn't our Andrea, so I said can we just finish watching this till 4 and we'll take you home then. She said yes, I was hoping to distract her so we could take her home feeling bit more relaxed and friendlier and hubby and I would stay at hers with her for a bit then.
It didn't work, mum sat on edge of sofa with cardi on tapping her fingers and after 5 minutes said I'm going and got up. I tried to say there was no rush to get home cos I was with her but she got bit grumpy and said I wasn't our Andrea and she was going home and put her shoes on. I said we'd take her in few minutes then just let us get our shoes on and go loo. Mum did her usual I don't need you to take me I can walk, I tried to say it's ok we'll take you in car but she was adamant she was walking by herself and went out in to porch tried door. Which is always locked so she couldn't get outside and she just stood there with hand on handle.
I told her we don't use front door and it's hot inside porch so come in and wait in kitchen while we get ready and we'll take you. That caused a five minute argument over her not wanting us to take her she could walk, she's walked here hundreds of times, I was talking rubbish when I told her it's too far. She didn't know which way she went when asked, she said I go down there and pointed to left, which is up hill though it is right direction, after she goes 'down there' she said she didn't know where she went next but she'd know it when she saw it it isn't far. Its over 5 miles to mums takes about 20 minutes in car and according to google it would take 1hr 48 min to walk which mum would never do.
While I was at loo she came back in house and stood in kitchen arms folded, hubby tried to get her back on side but it didn't work then I tried, saying we'd take her home if she wants but we'd had a nice day so lets not go off in a huff. Mum agreed she'd had nice day, she said We were but I'm not having you telling me things that aren't true. She thought we were 'friend' and hubby and this was their bungalow that she walked to all the time. When I said I wasn't 'friend' she said not that - but another -, so I was a friend with same name as 'friend' but not 'friend' and she was calling my hubby 'friends hubby' name and 'friend' had a bungalow. She hasn't got a friend with same name as 'friend' and even when she was friends with 'friend' she never walked to her house it was too far, they always went in cars, we have stairs and 'friends' bungalow didn't but she was convinced we were wrong and so we took her home in car and at first mum sat in silence.
When we were nearly at hers my sister sent me a pic of her grandson so I showed mum it as she loves seeing photos of him. She said Ooh isn't he gorgeous and then a few minutes later called hubby by his name and asked him if he knew where she lived. Hubby said he did then commented on traffic trying to make conversation and mum mm'd. When we got to hers we mentioned wind and mum replied, we kept saying little bits while washing our hands, trying to get her chatting again and bit more friendly. Mum said we could go home, I said I usually spend day with her and she said you can spend time with your hubby and called him right name. We sat in room for a bit trying to make conversation but mum wasn't joining in much and said we could go home a few more times. She said she was ok on her own she'd watch tele or knit. I offered put tele on but she said no thanks and so after few more attempts at chatting that didn't really go anywhere when she said it again I said ok we'd go and we said bye. She didn't get up to see us off like normal.
She rang me about 20 past 5 asking where I was. I said at home and she asked what I meant where was that?. I told her my house where she'd been this afternoon. She said she hadn't seen me she'd been at 'friends' and hubbys. She didn't know I had a house, How old was I? I told her my age and hers and she said Why had I not told her I was getting married? We had an odd conversation where mum seemed to think I had just got up and left and got married without telling her, then she remembered she'd been in a house with stairs not 'friend's bungalow and then said hubby had told her this afternoon we were married. Then asked why I hadn't told her I was married and neither had sis. I told her that she did know and went to our wedding and had a photo on wall she said Did I? I can't remember. So I said my usual about forgetting bits sometimes when brain gets tired. Mum said I know you don't live here and I know you are married but it felt like it was all happening again, why didn't you tell me? I told her again I'd been married 28 years, it isn't new. Mum said Alright then and then she hung up. she didn't sound angry or anythign but she didn't even say bye.
My sister text me about 7 saying mum had just rung her asking about our dad, she was worried as nobody had seen him. Sis tried to say not to worry but ended up having to remind mum he was dead, mum said she thought it was someone else who was dead and then said Ok it doesn't matter I'll see you later love bye and hung up.
Mum rang me about 10 past 7, Hello love it's nothing really, I was just talking to our -(sis) and she was nasty to me. I was asking about W if he'd died and she said Yes mum it was ages ago all nasty, the miserable crow, don't tell her I called her that, Did you know? I said Yes and mum said I thought he's been in my house, not today but recently but it must be me I,m daft. I changed subject cos I could hear her chewing and asked if she was having her tea and she said she was just having sandwich and crisps and asked me what I was having and said she was just going to put tele on. I asked her if she was going to watch Jane McDonald cruising cos she likes that and it was on soon and she said Oh yes, I'll put that on, I'll see you tomorrow love bye and after I said same back she hung up.
Mum rang me again at 10 to 9 and asked Andie did you get home alright? Mum thought I'd been out walking round with 'friend' I said I was at home. Mum asked where I went and who I was with. I told her I'd not walked anywhere, I'd been at my house with her and hubby till bout 4 when she wanted go home so we took her home in car and then I came home with hubby to my house. She said again she thought I'd gone out with 'friend' or someone and she'd just thought I wouldn't know way , said she thought I was walking streets. I said no and Mum said Sorry pet its me i'm going daft, then she asked again Who were you with, our Andrea who were you with? I said I wasn't out with anyone and I was at home. Mum said Ok sorry pet, I'll see you later. I said I'll see you tomorrow and mum said Ok love bye and hung up.
Not sure what she was thinking there but I think mum seems to think I'm still living with her at about age 17/18 the last few days.
Wonder what today will bring?
I hope things are ok as can be with you x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
Bit of a mixed bag there for you , glad she wasn’t really angry and you managed to settle her of sorts . It’s a bumpy road isn’t it , trying to avoid the pot holes. Mums leg isn’t healing brilliantly , she went to bed about 9.45pm last night and is still in bed snoring ! Can’t work out of it’s a combination of going back to DC and heat or just a phase . We will see I guess . Thanks, hope today goes ok for you . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
I hope today has gone better than yesterday but I think you did the right thing leaving when you did although it must be hard.
I just keep keeping my fingers crossed that it works out with the Carers at the weekend as this seems to be helping you out.
it is strange about the age ‘thing’ and how a PWD can reconcile differences. I will call Mum, Mum but Mum will speak to me as if I am her sister more and more.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Bikerbeth x x Yep bit of a mixed day yesterday. Mum seems ok with carer coming weekend mornings which is a relief. She did as quite a few times why they were coming not me but has been ok when I tell her.
Today was bit better day than yesterday, though mum hasn't really known I was me at all she was fine with us and came over to our house. We watched star wars, we made it through 1 and 1/2 films to about 20 to 5 before she said she was going home as she hadn't seen her mum, then her brother would be there, then someone would be there and then she still wanted to go. We took her home more or less straight away once she started talking about it as I didn't want argument or upset.
Back at hers we put tv on and hubby talked her into cuppa. She was chatting bout a place on the sun with us but was still mixed up and quite unsettled. She started fidgeting and saying Oh well, when programme finished at 6 which I think was a hint to us to leave. Then she said I'm going to ring our Andrea, I told her I was here and she said Ok but didn't look like believed it. Then she started asking about if we wanted some tea, I asked if she was hungry and she said she wasn't having anything cos if she saw him she'd stick a knife right in him and did a hard stabbing motion. She meant my dad as he's just left her.:oops: Hubby was pretty shocked as although I've told him when she's said similar before he'd not realised how serious she sounds in the moment.
A little after she asked again about tea and said she was going to have some so I went to help make sandwiches. Mum got in bit of muddle trying to make three cups of tea, and got bit grumpy and gave me the evil eye stare when she put a packet of crisps down on lid of margarine and I got piece kitchen roll to wipe it. I just kept smiling at her and talking in jolly voice and she came back round.
After tea she said again she was going to ring our Andrea and when I said I'm here she said You're not her. She thought I was 'friend' she'd been thinking that most of day. After a while mum said she ought to tell kids about W (my dad) leaving. I told it was ok we knew. She just looked other way and then took cups in kitchen and put them in sink. Even though it was 7 by now and we normally leave about then I thought I'd stay bit longer and get her chatting about something else to get her off subject of my dad but she didn't really join in and then said about 1/4 past 7 Oh well I think I'm going to ring our Andrea soon. So I thought we might as well give in and go home. I knew she'd ring soon after and she did.
She rang my mobile about 25 past 7 and told me my dad had left her. She thought it had just happened a few week ago and after talking about how long ago it was she said someone had told her he was dead and then we talked about how long since he died, living with C and then mum said It felt recent to her and she couldn't understand it she was going mental. I said I know it feels recent to her and said my usual about her brain getting tired. Mum thought she'd been with 'friend' and her hubby not us, she said sorry but then told me I should tell her it's me, she was bit grumpy about it. I told her we did but sometimes when she's mixed up she only believes what she thinks, she said sorry and I told her it didn't matter. Mum said it did and she was sorry but she thought she'd been with 'friend' and hubby and was sure it was only recently that my dad had been there. I told her again about her brain getting tired and she remembers something old and forgets bits of whats happened since so it feels new to her and sometimes mixes things up. Mum said she didn't think it was just then, she was getting worse. I said it wasn't and not to worry about it.
Then she asked if she'd rung our Andrea, was I our Andrea so I said I was. She asked what her other one was called and I told her and she said Do I only have two and I said yes . Mum asked if my sister knew about dad leaving and seemed to have gone back to it only being recent again so I said yes she did know. We went round a bit more over when dad died, who I was and who she'd been with before saying she'd see me tomorrow and we said love you lots and night.
@Woo2 🤞 I hope your mums leg heals soon. 🤞 Do you know what caused it, if it's something rubbing it or something could same thing be stopping it healing maybe? Did mum get up in ok mood today? Hope she's been ok
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,689
Hi @annielou , glad yesterday was a better day. I think leaving as soon as your mum get's confused is the way to go. Hope today is even better.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
I flaming hate this disease its cruel and vile and evil. Had an 18 minute call tonight with mum who has no idea where she is, why she's on her own, who her daughters are, where her husband is, where all her belongings are. She rang me her daughter to ask if I was her daughter and who her daughters were, she was asking if I was ok and where I was living even though I've only been home 1/2 an hour from spending the day at her house. She asked me how many daughters she had and if I was one, did she have 2 Andreas? Wanted to know how I was and if I had a house and had I had it long, was I with hubby, were we married and for how long? She didn't know any of this she thought. She asked where she lived, she didn't know if she was in right house, read out her address saying she kept thinking she lived there but she didn't, told me what was in the room but wasn't sure it was hers. She wanted to go visit her mum who's been dead 46 years and she didn't know the way but she was going to walk it tomorrow, she didn't know her mum was dead, she thinks it might not be true cos it feels like she's still alive. She didn't know where W (my dad) was, had I seen him, was he in their house, had he disappeared, was he dead. She didn't think he was dead cos she thought she'd been with him at Christmas a few weeks ago. She wanted to go to her other house, had he got her furniture, her fridge, her washer, had she got them here, was I sure, was this her furniture. She didn't know where our Andrea (me) is, she thought I lived with her, she was used to me being in other bedroom, had she seen me, will I go see her, can she come to my house it doesn't have to be soon but can she please come see it, have I been married long. She didn't know this. Did I know where she lived, had I been, does my sister know where she lives, has she been. She will have to go tell her mum where she lives, is she dead, am I sure, but if she wasn't she could live here with me, there's only one bed but we can get another, shall I go tomorrow, why not is she dead, I don't think she is cos I think she's still here. Is W (my dad) dead, should she go back to their house, is her stuff there, am I sure he's dead cos she's sure she saw him few weeks ago at christmas. So you've not seen him, you're sure he's dead. were we not together when he died, have I been here all this time, did I empty the house, is it still there. Will you come and see me sometime, have I seen you, are you married now, how long, I didn't know, did I know, did you carry on living with me though, did you come see me oh that's nice, will I see you soon, do you know where I live, and does our (my sister) know,has she been to see me, where does she live, does she have someone. Should I go see my mum tomorrow and tell her, is she dead, are you sure, and is W dead, are you sure.
We just went round and round question after question with me trying my best not to upset or confuse her more, answering her as simply as possible, I could hear the confusion, sadness and fear in her voice. I tried to distract her and make her laugh talking bout the huge chicken breast we'd had for tea, telling her I'll be there tomorrow and how I love to see her cos she's my bestest mum. Telling her she wasn't going mental and she wasn't stupid,she just struggles with her memories sometimes on a night, it's just her brain getting tired, its' just mixing up and missing out memories. Trying to get her not to think and worry tonight because her brains getting tired and it just gets more confused, it'll come back to her tomorrow. Telling her to just try and relax tonight and think I'm in the right place, I've got what I need, I'll remember in the morning and our Andrea will be here tomorrow. She would seem to calm down for a moment and she'd say ok she'd see me later or tomorrow and then as I was saying bye, or love you lots she'd ask some the same questions again for another minute or two. She still sounded confused but a little calmer and slightly less scared when she hung up but I don't know by how much.
I just cried when she hung up although I really want to take dementia by the throat and strangle it.
And I was lying to mum, she doesn't know who I am in the day, she doesn't know all the answers to the questions she asked tonight, she hasn't know who I was all day today and has been asking or talking about my dad and her mum all day too.
She's been confused today like she is most of the time. Mum's asked me a few times about our Andrea and said I wasn't her, or asked me questions to check if I was her when I said I was, sometimes she thought I was 'friend' and must be lying others she just wasn't sure. She asked me this morning Who are you? She didn't know who I was at all at the point, just thought she knew me but didn't know how. When I said I was her daughter Andrea we had quite a few questions about how many children she had, what they were called and also if there were 2 Andreas. Mum wanted to know my age and then said I couldn't be that age, when I told her she was 73 so it made sense that she had a daughter at 48, mum said she could believe our Andrea might be 48 then but I wasn't so I wasn't her, maybe I was the other one, the other Andrea.
She's been talking about my dad and her mum on and off all day today. Mum kept wondering where my dad is, have I seen him, was he still in their house, and if he has took another woman in their house, has he got her furniture and if he'll get her insurance money. She's been talking about wanting to go see her mum a lot, one of the first things mum said this morning after I arrived was she was worried about ringing her brother to ask about her mum cos she thought she might be dead, but even after I said she had died a long time ago mum still kept saying she would go check, or that she wanted to go see her, and told me not to go over to her tomorrow cos she was going to her mums, she was still talking about it when hubby came for dinner and before we left tonight.
It's so hard to answer her and try to reassure her when she's upset and confused and asking questions as she can't retain what you tell her so minutes later she's back to the same worries and questions. I just wish her brain would give her a rest and stop tormenting her it's so cruel and I hate how it makes her feel confused and scared and alone.
Sorry for rambling there's no point to this post, it was just a way to try get my feelings out a bit.
 
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Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
😥 It’s just awful @annielou , I hate it too. There are no easy answers are there . I can only listen and send you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗 I hope mum has settled and that you can relax a little and get some sleep and rest . X