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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
It is sad , you are doing well in settling mum. Hope today is a good one , guessing you are doing housework this afternoon 😂 X
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,831
Hope yesterday was OK @annielou, that you got housework done if that's what makes you happy and there were no distressing phone calls from your mum in the evening.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa xx Yesterday wasn't too bad, carer came in afternoon so I got an afternoon to do my ironing and there were no calls last night. Today's not started great though,as mums not gone to day centre.
I rang mum just after 7 to get her up ready for day centre and she said I'm not going. She didn't want to go, didn't know them, was ok at home on her own, hadn't said she's bored or lonely, hadn't like it before. No amount of bright and breezy you like it, or they're expecting you worked so I said Ok mum and she hung up.
I gave it quarter of an hour and rang to try again. Sometimes mum will say she's not going to DRs or something but be getting ready while saying it so I thought I'd ring again and check before ringing DC to cancel. She hadn't changed her mind, sounded quiet and like she was still in bed. I was still trying to be bright and breezy and positive about it but mum said she wasn't going, she was scared to go out, I told her she didn't need to be, it wan't proper going out they would pick her up in their mini bus and take her straight there, but Mum said No, she wasn't going, she didn't want to go out she wanted to just stay in her house and garden. I tried again to say it would be nice and she enjoyed it, but still no. Then tried the they're expecting you cos last week said you'd go and you can't just not turn up, but she just said She wasn't going. I said I'll have to ring to cancel them then cos they think you're going and sending bus and Mum said Sorry but I'm not going. I was getting nowhere so I said Ok then. I was just saying I'll see you later when she hung up.
I rang DC and left message saying Mums not going and could they cancel transport, manager will probably ring later to ask about it as they have to send a reason why mum didn't go to social services as it was arranged through them and she'll probably ask if think mum will go another time. She might even say she'll have to give place to someone else as at moment they're only having a few people at a time and only open 3 days and somebody else who wants to go could go instead of mum.
So not the best start to the day. Hubby and I got up early as we were going to go over to help her get ready to go to DC and give her tablets before she went like I used to before, but as she's not going there's no need to go early now, I'll just go for half ten like usual. So instead of the extra hour I should have been in bed I've bleached my kitchen sink, wiped all my kitchen cupboard doors down and moved everything off worktops to give them a thorough wipe over as I don't do that much nowadays and had planned to come back and do some cleaning while mum was at DC today.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Oh I’m sorry :( , maybe the DC manager could chat to mum and explain the measures put in place to protect them and say how much they missed her , they sometimes take it better from others. I’m sure they won’t give mums place up that easily, they must be aware of how these things are . Mums club have had a few not go back as gone in to full time care or not wanting to go back so they have vacancies . Hope you have an ok day, silver lining in that you got a little cleaning done beforehand .🤗 X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,643
South coast
I guess that as its so long since she last went she has forgotten what its like and it feels big and scary, like a small child starting school.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @canary xx yes its like first time she went.
Not sure if she is scared to go out cos of lockdown or not. She does keep saying it on and off but was saying it weeks ago too but she went to my house, DRs and hospital without mentioning it on those days. She’s very quiet today but still says not going, said she’s tired. Yes mum so am I as i got up hour early this morning🙁.
DC manager rang about half hour ago and we had chat about why mum didn’t go, she suggested we leave it for now and maybe when mum starts going out a bit again, or if things settle she can go back then. She’ll give mums place to someone else for now as very limited but Mum can go back. I can ring when think she wants to and Manager is going to keep in contact and send mum some activities do at home in meantime.
I told mum who’d rang and I said they’re giving her place to someone else for now but she can go back when she wants, mum didn’t react just sat doing her puzzles. She’s not said much since I came, just asked what I was doing and I said texting hubby. She said I’m not good company today you can go home if you like. I said its ok. Then she just got up to put her washing out and is ‘oh dear’ ing and sighing.
when I rang to say on way about 20 past 10 she sounded quiet and when I asked what was matter she said she was tired but would be ok. I think me ringing at 7and waking her up talking bout DC unsettled her and she’s feeling out of sorts now.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
504
Hi @annielou
That's a shame that your mum was anxious about DC. I thought they would have tried at least once more to get her there, but understandable that there must be others desperate for a place. Just not very helpful for you. I hope at least that the manager of DC reports back to SS that your mum won't go and this will put an added strain on you xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @anxious annie x DC manager did ask if mum might want to try next week but after chatting she suggested we left it for now and see if things change. Mum had just said again that she wasn’t going to go when DC rang so it’s probably best idea really at moment though its a shame.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Maybe as DC lady said if mum starts going out a bit more she may feel more relaxed about it , can imagine a lot of people are worried about going out , I am too really , only making necessary trips . Hope you can get mum back soon .
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,831
Maybe you could try taking your mum for a walk in the local area to get her used to going out. Is there a café nearby you could go to or a park for a picnic? Maybe when you think she should go back to the day centre, don't say anything just turn up a bit early get your mum ready and say 'Oh look the minibus has turned up. Shame for them to have a wasted journey. Why not go and see if you like it.'
Hope today gets better, If not I think you should do what you said you'd do and take her at her word and go home.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
I’m not sure how easy you would find it but I do as @Sarasa suggested , I never give mum the option , I am kind but I tell her what she is doing as if she thought about it she would talk herself out of it . Feels wrong to have to organise her days but she does still have control over what she wears , eats , when she goes to bed etc . Hope you can get her out and about a little and back in to DC soon 🤞 And agree too ...if she says much more about not good company etc .... bail out as soon as . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa xx
I did say to mum when rang at 7 that I was ringing to remind her to get up for day centre like it was already decided, I used to do that before too, but she straight off started saying I'm not going. She often says she's not going somewhere but sometimes will be getting ready while saying it if I keep being positive about it and saying has to go, but this morning that didn't work. I said they were expecting her and bus was coming for her but she was not for convincing.
It's a bit awkward for me to go over and then drop it on mum because it's so early and mums not normally up so early and knowing mum she could still dig her heels in and not go. She's not normally up till about 8 and the bus comes not much after that so I have to wake her up about 7 to get ready and have her tea and biscuit breakfast before bus comes. Previously I would ring mum at 7 and hubby would drop me off on his way to work just before 1/2 past 7. Mum would go in shower while I was on way over then I'd help her decide what to wear and make her tea and keep reassuring her till bus came, give her setraline after had her tea and biscuits, sort her galantamine out for her to take with her and then I'd leave at same time as mum to make sure locked up ok. Go home and then go back to mums for when she was due home from DC about 3. Today she was adamant not going and still is so I think if tried again next week it would be same thing.
I've not been out much myself since lock down other than to mums every day. I'd not been in a shop or anything for months until I went to hairdressers other week and apart from that visit I've only been to hospital and DRs with mum.
I don't think it's just being scared of going out because of virus as she says no to most things and took some convincing to get her to go to DC in february before lockdown. I'm not sure if she is scared to go out because of the virus or not, she does say it on and off but has been out to my house and DRs and hospital without saying that, then other times says she is scared. She was quite nervous about going out before, she's only been out with us for over a year now, and been nervous about that at times, I think that's a lack of confidence due to the dementia. She's barely been to our house lately, after her asking me on and off all week if she can come to our house at weekend there always seems to be some reason why she doesn't come, she's either got upset tummy, doing washing, or in a grump and doesn't want us there. I think the virus and not going out due to lockdown and not being able to go browse round shops together like we used to do has accelerated things though. Hubby says he thinks mum'll stop going out soon and end up just staying home.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
My mum really has to be encouraged to go out , they are almost like wounded animals who retreat. You can only try , maybe sometimes talk about what she used to do there , what activities she did and the lady she became friends with. It’s difficult . As you say it’s hard, I sometimes have to wake mum up . She isn’t happy this morning so going to be fun getting her ready . Hope the day is ok for you . X
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
She was quite nervous about going out before, she's only been out with us for over a year now, and been nervous about that at times, I think that's a lack of confidence due to the dementia. She's barely been to our house lately, after her asking me on and off all week if she can come to our house at weekend there always seems to be some reason why she doesn't come, she's either got upset tummy, doing washing, or in a grump and doesn't want us there. I think the virus and not going out due to lockdown and not being able to go browse round shops together like we used to do has accelerated things though. Hubby says he thinks mum'll stop going out soon and end up just staying home.
I think you (and hubby) are exactly right. Someone here before has described PWD's worlds getting smaller and smaller - Dad used to chomp at the bit to 'go out' and 'see people' but now has almost completely stopped that, except for the odd occasion where he's having a confabulation and thinks he needs to go out to check his car or whatever. It's no longer a daily routine.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,626
Bedford
So sorry to hear that you Mum did not want to go to Day care yesterday. My Mum also refused to go so I can provide no help there.
I hope you did get a break today with the Carer in -and maybe just maybe some time to browse on the internet.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,708
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @imthedaughter @Bikerbeth xxx
Glad your mums mood changed @Woo2 x
I think it must be a dementia thing @imthedaughter I think mum not wanting to go out would have come eventually anyway but I think being in lock down will have sped it up a bit. Mum's been going out less and only going to places with us for quite a while but with not being able to go out due to virus I think it will have an effect. I'm sure mum won't be alone in that.
Mum was averse to DC originally and although she did agree to go after starting sertraline in february and went for a few weeks, now the sertraline doesn't seem to be having the same effect and she is back to not wanting to go again so she could just be going back to how she was before DC wise. Carer was talking about going out today and mum said she wasn't bothered she was happy to stay in her little house and garden.
She's not always saying the same thing though. This morning when we were cleaning she said it didn't really need much doing as there's only her in the house and she's not in it much as she's always out and if she is in she's usually doing things so not sat about making a mess. 🤔 Not sure where she thought she went and what she thought she was doing when at home, bless her she was obviously mixed up as she's in everyday and mainly sits about but I thought funny how at the time she thought she did go out. She was talking to carer and me on tuesday and yesterday about going to visit her mum and on saturday said she was going to come to my house, though she didn't as sis was visiting her at her house, but at times she's talking about going places and then others saying she's scared to go out. Suppose like a lot in dementia it depends how her mind is working and what she remembers when.
I did get home this afternoon when carer came thanks @Bikerbeth , did the ironing and cleaned bedroom/changed bed, woo hoo I know how to be exciting don't I lol.
Mum was in a good mood today, let me do some cleaning and joined in a bit with no moaning or switching into getting mad. She's been talking about my dad more again last few days thinking they only just split, he's just left and asking where he is etc and rang my sister tonight asking if dad was with her.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Overall it sounds like you haven’t had too bad a few days 🤞 Long may it continue ! Yep mum is exactly the same, I agree it seems a Dementia thing . Glad carers going ok still and you got home and some jobs done .🤗X