Which is more important: happiness (in own home) or safety (in CH)

[Jaycee23]

This is certainly an interesting thread. When my mum was having difficulty living at home one of the major problems was being on her own 24/7. She really needed someone at her beck and call and prepared to put up with accusations, frustrations and all that comes with dementia. She was walking in front of cars and to be honest the way her life was going I wish she had as she is in 24/7 torment of misery. Sobbing constantly unless someone is there in her face all the time. She is not happy in the home but she was not happy in her own home. You never know what to do for the best. We on TP are a bundle of personalities and that is basically it. I know that when I was caring for my mum the best way I could it was having a massive impact on my husband who tried to be supportive in the best way he could under the circumstances due to my sibling's malicious behaviours but I could not have blamed him to have walked away. I think that it is pretty obvious that most women are carers and am I sexist when I say this but when my husband and I are left with the grandchildren who is it that is left running around making sure little susie does not eat your cactus plants whilst hubby is engrossed in the Tour de France! Sorry but all the men I have met have never had to put someone before themselves first and this is historical/biological who knows. No offence

 

[Lowlander]

You know, this may sound barbaric. We are all going to die someday. It could be a heart attack, a stroke, cancer or dementia. Dementia seems like the long-haul death. There are no guarantees of a happy time in a home (Mum is convinced it is a fate worse than death), yet there are people who settle well.

I feel very conflicted about this whole care issue too. On the one side I think it would kill Mum. Yet if we get to the point when she doesn't recognise me, nor her home, well I would imagine a care home is a better, safer, more interesting place to be.

Thanks for this. ( above)
I was of the same way of thinking, about when to ask for help in placing my husband in a nursing home,
He is there now, well, actually back in hospital, and he has always, even when utterly confused, sedated and upset, known that he knows me.
About his home, I am not sure if he knew for the last few years, that he lived there.
I kind of put these conditions in place, ( about moving him to a Nh) but really, they were to help me decide.
MH has quite a large income. Whilst he was living at home, I was able to carry out some essential repairs on the house, knowing that this would be questioned by the LA if a CH were mooted, and knowing that, once he was in a CH, everything would have to come out of my pocket.
Anyway, I've rather gone off my point here.
I think I was trying to say that your own health, happiness, and well-being are important.
We can look after severely ill people, ...people in the third world need our compassion too. Where does it stop. You can go on forever trying to put things right.

If people with dementia were looked after properly by NHS, as people with other illnesses or injuries are, many carers would not be in this position, I feel.
When I hear the space research budget has increased investment by 60 billion pounds over the next 2 years, well, words fail me.

Kind regards
L

 

[Lowlander]

Hello Lowlander,
At various times, I have asked myself this question and never come up with a satisfactory answer. The 2012 TP. survey gave a figure of 83% for the female membership, which always astonishes me.
Many people prefer to ignore this disparity and pretend it either doesn't exist, or that it doesn't matter.
I've started ,at least two threads, on the subject and usually end up getting clobbered for my pains!

I'll probably get clobbered too. It will upset me. I often offend people with my views: get told off, apologise( I feel so dreadful that I have upset folks) .
Thanks for a wee bit of support. Great of you.
L

 

[Padraig]

The sixty billon is for research to find another planet to get away from this one we messed up, so as we can start all over again by messing that up.
As for people with other illnesses being better cared for, I've long since given up on that one like AD. The only support I've found with regards to my recovery from stomach cancer is from a similuar site to this for people who had a total Gestrectomy. The problem is that it's an US site with lots af information on medication and they don't have a NHS. On my next hospital check-up I intend taking photo copies of many of the posts to pose questions to the 'experts'.
After almost two weeks in intensive care and another four weeks in hospital I was sent home basically to get on with it on my own. Not unlike AD I have some very bad days and just when I think I'm getting better it suddenly gets worse. Can't complain many are for worse off, and I've had a good life. Can' be long to go.

 

[Lowlander]

The sixty billon is for research to find another planet to get away from this one we messed up, so as we can start all over again by messing that up.
As for people with other illnesses being better cared for, I've long since given up on that one like AD. The only support I've found with regards to my recovery from stomach cancer is from a similuar site to this for people who had a total Gestrectomy. The problem is that it's an US site with lots af information on medication and they don't have a NHS. On my next hospital check-up I intend taking photo copies of many of the posts to pose questions to the 'experts'.
After almost two weeks in intensive care and another four weeks in hospital I was sent home basically to get on with it on my own. Not unlike AD I have some very bad days and just when I think I'm getting better it suddenly gets worse. Can't complain many are for worse off, and I've had a good life. Can' be long to go.

Oh Padraig
I am very sorry to hear about your illness.
Wish I could do something to help you.
How are you feeling today?
L

 

[wetnosewheatie]

I have vitamin b and d deficiency. D you get through sunshine and b needs to be injected if you are deficient. Diet won't make any difference as chances are you have malabsorption and that's why you are deficient. Well at least my d is back to normal after the last few weeks

 

[matchstick]

It is I believe, your husband's mother whom you are writing about.
Why is he not the person writing? Why are you taking this responsibility ? Why are you even contemplating looking after someone else's mother?

I can understand people, although almost universally a daughter, attempting to look after a mother, but, really, your husband's mother? You don't have the same childhood links.
Why don't men look after their own mothers?
Do you think they would?
Why do so few men ever post on this site?
Answers on a (very small) postcard please.

My kind regards
L

I must be one of the 17% of men who post on here.Martin.

 

[matchstick]

I think after the arrogance i have read on this thread I will probably not post again,though.

 

[Bumblegirl]

Hi matchstick - I'm a woman and to be honest, bringing gender issues to the fore is irrelevant. It is not men v women but rather people who can/want to care and those who can't/don't want to care, for whatever reason.
If women are unhappy caring then they should should either stop doing it or stop moaning about it doing it. sorry to hear you feel put off posting.

BG

 

[bad daughter]

Totally agree with those who suggest it is not only the sufferer's happiness that should be taken into account. My mother hated the house she lived in, but now claims she loved it and wants to go back there from lovely CH. So "happiness" may not even be the real issue.

And I recently suggested that Mum's repeated escape attempts onto a potentially dangerous road might be the best way out. I was asked how I would explain myself to the poor car/bus/tractor driver who finished her off. Point taken.

 

[JMU]

Also, what happens if the 'accident' is more along the lines of leaving the gas on and accidentally blowing the house up? A bit extreme perhaps but it is a real risk with my father.
And I know of male carers, caring for their wives and family, who I suspect just wouldn't want to comment on this site. There was a programme on personality the other night that suggested research shows men are less communicative, and more likely to try and muddle through than talk about things.
I'm female and a carer, but it has nothing to do with my gender. I'm just that much younger than my siblings that they had all left home long before my father began needing help. It's just the way things fell.
My father is still at home and has recently started telling me he wants to go home to his mum and dad. Yesterday he told me it was because he knew he was having problems and wanted them to look after him- a moment of muddled clarity!

 

[janma221]

We are all in the same boat

Matchstick please don't stop posting. It would be a shame as sometimes people have opposing views and with the stress of caring things get a bit heated. I know when I am stressed I can be very snappy. It is a help to us all to be able to post whether male or female. I think another reason that women post more could be that we are the great communicators (apologies to the men that post on here).
Love to you all on here.
Jan xxx

 

[SueShell]

Getting back onto the main subject, surely the decision is based on the two people involved. The carer and the cared for! Mum isn't happy at home but refuses all help that would make her life more fulfilling. At the end of the day it will be my decision whether or not she goes into a home. It's a case of is she safe to be on her own? Is it now getting too much for the carer and affecting their health? What quality of life does the cared for have? My circumstances are different from others because I have never got on with my Mother but care for her out of duty more than anything else. Unfortunately though this means I battle between my heart and my head all the time. The guilt monster makes me carry on (and makes me ill with my conflict of conscience), whilst I really would like her to go into a home so I can get on with my life. If truth be told, even those out there that love their OH/parents dearly are only carrying on to the bitter end because of the guilt they'd feel putting them into a home - they'd feel a failure and that they've let their OH/parent down in some way.
If I had dementia I'd rather someone give me a huge dose of morphine and finish me off, but that's only what I'd like to happen to me. It's the most horrendous disease on par with cancer but no chance of survival at all to get back to leading a normal life.

 

[janma221]

SueShell how I agree about the large dose of morphine I would feel exactly the same if I developed any form of dementia. Had quite a few years of not speaking to my mother until the police rang up at 1.30 one morning to say she had been found wandering around her home town. Went to visit and food in the fridge had turned blue. Felt guilty because I hadn't been around to notice. Now I visit her as often as I can (2 hours drive away) and feel genuinely sorry to see her AD getting worse. There are no easy answers.
Take care
Jan xx

 

[stillcaring]

I suspect that the main reason there are so few male posters is that because women are far more likely to want to talk through their problems somewhere like this than men are. I have friends who are male carers who are amazing - one male friend cared for his aunt and mum but i just can't imagine him wanting to post somewhere like this.

I also think there is a socio-economic pressure on it to be the woman who cares simply because we are the ones who take career breaks to bear children and therefore end up on the lower incomes. I think my OH would be a far better carer than me, but in our family it's my relations who have dementia, not his, and we'd be homeless if he gave up his job.

 

[garnuft]

I think you're probably right Stillcaring, women are much more likely to use this space to talk about troubles, my OH uses forums but to talk about motor bikes and music not the trials and tribulations of life.

My Mother has two living sons though, one, the apple of her eye, she hasn't seen since Xmas and before that it was last July,
he only lives 1 1/2 hours away and even comes to Durham as part of his job every month, sleeping in a fancy Hostelry 1/4 of a mile away from her but he doesn't go to visit her.

The other comes every 6 weeks or so now and I bake pies for his visit, he promises to visit more and take her out for a run in the car....then away he goes again, for another 6 weeks.

That said, if I knew my sisters would look after my Mother as well as I want.....perhaps I wouldn't show my face for a couple of months.

My OH is an only child, his parents are 90 and 88 and I have to give him a Chinese burn to make him visit them, have them over for dinner or even call on the telephone.
Unless of course he wants something, then he dashes to Mater and Pater as if his bum's on fire.

My Mam is struggling living at home on her own, without my sisters I know she would be soon looking at residential care.

But falling and lying all night is a choice I have made in my head as a price worth paying for her maintaining her 'independence'.

 

[gringo]

Hello stillcaring,
When my wife developed AD, I knew nothing at all about it and struggled. It was only when I found this site that I began to get a grip. I really don’t think I would have managed without the knowledge and help I received here. I had no male pride, I would have posted on mumsnet if I had thought they could help.
So I am very interested to know how, and where, your male friends acquired their know-how about AD that has enabled them to cope so well as carers

 

[Butter]

Some male carers are a zillion times better than some female carers ... and some female carers are a zillion times better than some male carers ..

 

[Witzend]

Is it better to be unsafe and happy, or safe and miserable? Of course I'm not saying your MIL would be miserable in a care home - some people get on like a house on fire - there's a 'new' lady in my mother's CH who does - but not everybody takes to that sort of environment, particularly if they're not very sociable types. It's a thing you can never know until you try.

We would rather have left my mother at home rather than move her to a CH, but she was leaving lighted cigarettes burning all over the place and we had a very real horror of her setting the house on fire and burning to death. Also, trying to care for her sufficiently at home was causing huge strains on the family, particularly on my brother, since she was phoning him constantly, sometimes 30 times in one hour, and TBH he was near breaking point. Plus, and perhaps most importantly, my mother wasn't happy at home - no matter how often we were with her she would often say she was lonely and frightened. But she didn't like the CH either, and never has - and it's nearly 6 years now.

It's a really tough one, and I don't think anyone but you and your husband can really weigh up all the pros and cons for one or the other. But I do think that if the rest of the family are suffering badly with the strain of trying to care, then their lives need to be considered, too.

 

[Lowlander]

I think after the arrogance i have read on this thread I will probably not post again,though.

Matchstick,
I feel bad about writing what I did.
It was not in the least bit helpful. I will try to be more considerate in the future.
L