"Where's Mum?"

Sheepteach

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
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0
Somerset
Dad has just rung up asking where Mum is - she died 19 years ago. This has now been happening for a week - he has had antibiotics from the GP as a precautionary measure - but I am now running out of placating words because he is very deaf and won't wear hearing aids so having a conversation is difficult at the best of times! Any suggestions?
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
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SW London
Oh, dear, this does come as such a shock when it first happens. When my FIL first started asking where his wife was (she'd been dead 10 years) at first we gently explained the truth. But he was so terribly upset, and so because his short term memory was so bad by then, I.e. he'd forget whatever we said in 5 minutes anyway, we started saying, oh, she's just popped to the shops, or, she's just gone to see so and so, -and he'd be quite happy. Would something similar pacify your dad, if his short term memory is also very bad?

So hard when he's asking over the phone and can't hear, though. Could you leave a note somewhere like on his fridge to say she's on a little holiday or whatever sounds best, and hope he sees it?
 
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starryuk

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Nov 8, 2012
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Goodness, how I sympathise! It was happening all the time to me too, though mum is in a CH and I visit.

The one time I told her that dad died 10 years ago, she was hysterical with grief.

The advice to me has been lie and distract. If you keep telling them the truth, each time is a new terrible shock for them. 'Gone to work', 'back soon' etc. In fact, since mum too, can't hear a thing and refuses the hearing aids, sometimes I mumbled nonsense!

Perhaps you could pretend the doorbell has just gone, 'hang on a minute' and 'come back to the phone' having changed the subject?

The phase may pass after a while, it has with my mum. ( Now she is wondering where her grandmother is!)
 

Sheepteach

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
161
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Somerset
Thankyou so much for your quick replies! I phoned his carers and they have just rung back to say he is settled now, but they had to persuade him that there was no need for him to go looking for her, as she would be back soon.

At the moment he is still at home with his dog, carers 3 times a day, and it will be devastating for him (and us) to consider a care home for him in order to keep him safe - I so hope this is a temporary blip and he doesn't start to wander.
 

Jaycee23

Registered User
Jan 6, 2011
383
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uk
Hey just wanted to share what I have just recently tried to do and it is a good tactic so far :) I have a handbag like a tote bag and when my mum starts to ask difficult questions like when am I going home and how long has your dad been dead, I drop my bag and let everything fall out. She immediately gets up and helps me pick stuff up. I have tried this four or five times and I find myself telling her how clumsy I am. My mum wears hearing aids and so do I and you could as previously said try mumbling. (most annoying when you are deaf )but it may get you out of a tricky situation. I think I might start putting unusual things in my bag to attract her attention. Any ideas?
 

starryuk

Registered User
Nov 8, 2012
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they had to persuade him that there was no need for him to go looking for her, as she would be back soon.

I remember the care staff would tell mum that she should stay put or I would not know where she was when I came to visit. That did seem to help a bit.
 

Nanak

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Mar 25, 2010
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Brisbane Australia
My Mum in Law used to ask why her brother and sister hadn't visited. (They died years and years before).
We would say things like "Oh its pouring down Mum you wouldn't want John to come out in this would you" And she would agree and we could change the subject. Or "Well we came today Mum he can come another day" Or "I think he has gone away for a few days".
Each time we would quickly change the subject.
It is hard to tell the little white lies but harder to explain the person they want to see is no longer here. That was more upsetting for her.

Kim
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
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Hertfordshire
My husband often asks where " his wife" is . actually meaning me. I just say she is out, or helping someone, . It is something many of us have to deal with by telling " love lies".

Jeannette
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
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SW London
It is hard to tell the little white lies but harder to explain the person they want to see is no longer here. That was more upsetting for her.

Kim

Must confess that after so many years of dementia in two close relatives, I soon ceased to find them hard at all. I have often surprised myself with what I've come up with, off the cuff. Never knew I was so inventive.
You never know, I might try writing A Dictionary Of Little White Lies, Suitable For Every Occasion. :)
 

Nanak

Registered User
Mar 25, 2010
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64
Brisbane Australia
Must confess that after so many years of dementia in two close relatives, I soon ceased to find them hard at all. I have often surprised myself with what I've come up with, off the cuff. Never knew I was so inventive.
You never know, I might try writing A Dictionary Of Little White Lies, Suitable For Every Occasion. :)

It would be a bestseller in the AZ community.......

Kim
 

Jayp

Registered User
Sep 12, 2013
11
0
Temple Ewell, Dover
Hey just wanted to share what I have just recently tried to do and it is a good tactic so far :) I have a handbag like a tote bag and when my mum starts to ask difficult questions like when am I going home and how long has your dad been dead, I drop my bag and let everything fall out. She immediately gets up and helps me pick stuff up. I have tried this four or five times and I find myself telling her how clumsy I am. My mum wears hearing aids and so do I and you could as previously said try mumbling. (most annoying when you are deaf )but it may get you out of a tricky situation. I think I might start putting unusual things in my bag to attract her attention. Any ideas?

What about things from her past? Photos or something she brought from a holiday. I used to do Life Story work with people I worked with and this really helped them to concentrate on more positive memories. Pictures of places you visited together or something like that may help, long term memories often stay put. x
 

Jaycee23

Registered User
Jan 6, 2011
383
0
uk
Thankyou for that. I could get some photo's of her grandchildren. I am unable to get into her house due to advice from the social services to stay away for my protection due to aggression and suspicion from my siblings and BIL. I know she loved Shirley Temple (actress) and could look for some memorabilia. Its got me thinking now!!:)

What about things from her past? Photos or something she brought from a holiday. I used to do Life Story work with people I worked with and this really helped them to concentrate on more positive memories. Pictures of places you visited together or something like that may help, long term memories often stay put. x
 

yoyo

Registered User
Sep 22, 2012
80
0
I'm struggling too

I'm struggling too, mum thinks I am one of her sisters, any one of them will do. strange but she has missed my dad out completely. I would love to see a book of phrases think that's a great idea, the bag dropping is a good one too, I comb my mums hair and tell her she looks lovely and a bit of hairspray and we seem to get there. Tonight though she's convinced we are selling the house and we'll have nowhere to live, its now gone on for 4 hours constantly :( its wearing me out.....
 

tiggs72

Registered User
Jul 15, 2013
142
0
I have found honesty is definitely not the best policy as it causes the grief all over again plus they don't remember!

My dad often asks about my brother (he died over 22 years ago) and I simply say he's fine and just with his friends and he accepts this.

Mind you dreading the day he asks about my mum as she left years ago for another man and we've not heard from her since! Hoping he won't remember any of this and I can tell a similar little fib!
X
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
I'm struggling too, mum thinks I am one of her sisters, any one of them will do. .

My mother went through a phase of thinking I was one of her sisters - not that I would have minded that, but it was the one she didn't like and was always b*tching about! Mind you by then she was always wanting to see her parents, too, and I think had regressed to an long-past era when she did more or less get on with that sister.
 

Sheepteach

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
161
0
Somerset
Tricky visit to dad's today. Despite him celebrating both his sister's 90th birthday, that was a good day, and his own 83rd birthday last week, he is now convinced that he is 66, and he has had a few days off work and must return soon to arrange his retirement!

I made the mistake of reminding him he was 83, and he started doing the maths.Then he was asking why he had worked so many years past the retirement age. At this point I had run out of suitable answers, true or otherwise. He has also been saying that mum is missing again, that another of his sisters is staying with him, and laying the table at lunch for a lady friend (who never arrives!) all of which is not real.

All recent tests have been returned as normal, so I can only assume that this is a new stage now., and I am ashamed to say that when his lunchtime carer (who is lovely with dad) arrived, we made our excuses and left, to avoid any further awkward questions :(