Where to turn for help?

[Carri]

Mum lives with us since dad died 14 months ago. Dad said please look after mum I'm worried about her memory. Dad was mums carer.
After the first few months it became evident that there was a problem. The GP agreed after 9 months so we have just seen the psychiatrist and confirmed dementia but awaiting CT scan for type.
My problem is my husband who has his own health issue needs a bilateral eye operation in December and I know I will struggle to look after both of the for a week. I have asked social services for a week respite care for my mum but am told she does not have enough in her personal budget?
I work full time and generally feel run down myself but want to do right by everyone, what can I do ? HELP

 

[stevew]

Hi, my thoughts are with you. Perhaps you could assist financially towards the respite. There are some appropriate work related charity funds that may assist. {erhaps also think about short and long term and whether it may be an option for a care / nursing home. SS should be able to assist via assessment. It is of course important that 7you take care of yourself and perhaps speak to your own GP. Best wishes Steve.

 

[1954]

Has social services done a carer's assessment on you. And also a financial assessment on your mum? Where we are the LA pay for my MIL's respite care and she has to top some with some of her money. Its worth every penny

 

[sistermillicent]

Hi Carri, definitely get a carer's assessment if you haven't already had one, and don't give up, I think you quite often get fobbed off by SS to start with, as someone on here once said to me it is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

 

[nita]

You mention your Mum's personal budget so it sounds like she's already had an assessment. Was this recently? In any case, it needs to be updated to take account of her changing needs - it may be that since she had the last assessment she needs more help; likewise you need an updated carer's assessment to take into account that you will have to be looking after your husband as well after his operation. I would press for the social worker to come out and do this.

If you haven't done this already, have you joined a local association that will provide a sitting service? You can get 30 hours free a year for a carer to come and sit with your mother. In our area, this is Carewatch, but I know they have Crossroads in other areas.

 

[angecmc]

I think I would be calling SS and saying they need to do something or it will end up with you having carer breakdown and then it will cost them more as your Mum will become their responsibility, nobody can be forced to care for another person except a dependent child. Hope you get the help you deserve, I would also consider contacting your local MP you never know they may even help!! xx

Ange

 

[susanh13]

I agree with Nita, you should certainly contact your local care association for advice as they have a wealth of knowledge, expertise and above all else understanding of YOU and your needs. Also, your local Mind organisation can steer you in help.

Hope this is useful to you.

 

[Nebiroth]

Tell the NHS that you cannot accept your husband's return home following his operation, because you cannot provide adequate care due to committments to your mum and that this in turn is because Social Services cannot provide a week's respite care which would otherwise allow this.

This shoudl focus minds - your husband being in hospital is going to cost more than a week's respite care, so you will have the NHS batting on your side.

Squeakiest wheels get most grease. Insist that you cannot cope with your husband's post-operative care and your mum's regular care at the same time.

The obvous and practical solution is a week respite care for your mum. It is almost certainly the cheapest as well, from a "government" point of view. Of course, social services and the NHS have their own budgets, and social services will happily see twice as much tax spent, so long as it comes from the NHS budget and vice-versa.

 

[Carri]

Thank you to everyone for advice, yes we have had a carers assessment and also my mum has been assessed financially and has minimal income. Mum has a sitter once a week provided by a voluntary agency, not provided by social services.
I have asked social services to assist with respite for my mother but as I said her social care personal budget after assessment of needs does not provide that level of care. !!!!!! On reassessment I was told by the social worker she felt my mums MMSE and Addenbrooke test results weren't
too bad, conversely the psychiatrist has said they were significant?
We have money but as a family we are like others..we managing, we don't have money to pay for respite for mum.
As far as my husband is concerned he is my first concern as much as I love my mother, This may sound harsh but I shouldn't have to choose who to care for really.

 

[Carri]

I agree with Nita, you should certainly contact your local care association for advice as they have a wealth of knowledge, expertise and above all else understanding of YOU and your needs. Also, your local Mind organisation can steer you in help.

Hope this is useful to you.

Thank you this was good advice.

 

[Carri]

You mention your Mum's personal budget so it sounds like she's already had an assessment. Was this recently? In any case, it needs to be updated to take account of her changing needs - it may be that since she had the last assessment she needs more help; likewise you need an updated carer's assessment to take into account that you will have to be looking after your husband as well after his operation. I would press for the social worker to come out and do this.

If you haven't done this already, have you joined a local association that will provide a sitting service? You can get 30 hours free a year for a carer to come and sit with your mother. In our area, this is Carewatch, but I know they have Crossroads in other areas.

Thank you this was helpful.

 

[nita]

I wonder if it will help once your mother has the CT scan and her diagnosis is confirmed. The psychiatrist can then perhaps write a letter for you to give social services. I presume the SW has been through what your mother can and can't do and feels that she is functioning all right at the moment? Perhaps your mother will not be so difficult to deal with as you fear. You should tell the SW the particular areas where you worry you will not be able to give your mother proper care when looking after your husband as well. Have you spoken to your husband's consultant about this as well? Can he put in a word for you regarding your husband needing help during his recuperation - maybe there could be something for him or they would look again at your mother going into respite.

 

[Carri]

I wonder if it will help once your mother has the CT scan and her diagnosis is confirmed. The psychiatrist can then perhaps write a letter for you to give social services. I presume the SW has been through what your mother can and can't do and feels that she is functioning all right at the moment? Perhaps your mother will not be so difficult to deal with as you fear. You should tell the SW the particular areas where you worry you will not be able to give your mother proper care when looking after your husband as well. Have you spoken to your husband's consultant about this as well? Can he put in a word for you regarding your husband needing help during his recuperation - maybe there could be something for him or they would look again at your mother going into respite.

We apparently should have the full diagnosis to know whether there is treatment or not. Mum is functioning ok with my input and according to a colleague who is a SW, until I say I can't cope nothing will change. Mum has lived with us for 14 months and I am totally aware of her functioning ability. She needs constant prompting to eat, take tablets, wash change clothing etc, most of which I do before going to work. My husband has capacity to make his own choices, his help will be functional as he will need eye drops and diabetic monitoring. His consultant has no juristiction with my mothers care. I'm hoping mums social worker will help and organise respite it the only solution really.

 

[nita]

As you say, I think you will have to ring Social Services and say you can't cope as this situation is too much for you. I suppose stupidly they won't take advance warning that it will be too much for you, but you know it is going to be too difficult for you and worrying about it is making you ill. They must put something in place (your mother going into respite) beforehand. It can take a while to arrange this so some notice is preferable from their point of view. If you can't get anywhere with this particular SW ask to speak to their superior, that should get something going.