where to start??...

[Andie89]

hello, im new here

my dad was diagnosed with Vascular dementia 3 and half yrs ago. He was taken into permanent care a few days ago. As i'm sure you're all aware, the guilt etc etc...its just so hard seeing this happen to someone who means so much to you..

random thoughts, sorry

 

[jeany123]

Hello Andie and welcome to Talking Point I'm sorry to hear about your dad , he wil be in the best place but I know the guilt you are talking about , keep posting I am sure it will make you feel better we all understand ,

Best wishes, jeany x


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[Mamsgirl]

Hi Andie,
Welcome to TP, and sorry you need to be here.
Afraid many of us have experience of the guilt you describe and it just seems to be part of the load for most of us. My two cents worth? I think it's because we've gradually assumed responsibility for so much we feel there must be something we could have done or could still do to make the situation better. Sadly, there's precious little we can do to make things better with dementia, and have to focus on avoiding things that make it worse.
Some nosey questions:
Is your Dad settling in without too much disruption? Are you happy with the care he's receiving? Do you find the staff approachable? Are you taking care of yourself?
Wishing you lots of strength and support,
Toni.

 

[Andie89]

Hello Andie and welcome to Talking Point I'm sorry to hear about your dad , he wil be in the best place but I know the guilt you are talking about , keep posting I am sure it will make you feel better we all understand ,

Best wishes, jeany x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app

hello thankyou for the warm welcome jeany, I'm sure i shall keep posting

 

[Andie89]

Hi Andie,
Welcome to TP, and sorry you need to be here.
Afraid many of us have experience of the guilt you describe and it just seems to be part of the load for most of us. My two cents worth? I think it's because we've gradually assumed responsibility for so much we feel there must be something we could have done or could still do to make the situation better. Sadly, there's precious little we can do to make things better with dementia, and have to focus on avoiding things that make it worse.
Some nosey questions:
Is your Dad settling in without too much disruption? Are you happy with the care he's receiving? Do you find the staff approachable? Are you taking care of yourself?
Wishing you lots of strength and support,
Toni.

yeaahh, i totally agree Toni, wish none of us had to be on here! yeaah i think the guilt is because these are people we care about and no matter what, in society there is a certain stigma towards nursing homes etc, and its almost as though you're giving up on them, like, out of sight out of mind, yanno? but we all know its not the case.
well, because of my dads condition there was a little disruption but it was sorted in a matter of days and he was moved to a different section of the home more suitable to him, since hes been moved my mum feels a lot more relaxed with the care hes getting, like they know what theyre doing, yeah me and my mum are taking care okay, just adjusting to life without him at home. thanks a lot for your strength and support all the way from Melbourne i see

 

[CeliaW]

Hello Andie and welcome to TP. This whole dementia minefield has us all experiencing guilt for a whole range of reasons even when we know logically that we shouldn't be. I hope your Dad settles in well at his new home and that knowing he is safe and secure with the support he needs, will help give you some peace and ease the guilt.

We are in the process of setting up care for my Mum so I am sure I will be feeling the same.

Take care and keep posting and exploring the Forums as I am sure you will find lots of useful information

Celia

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[Mamsgirl]

Glad he's settling in, it's not uncommon for this period to be bumpy. My Mum struggled with my stepfather's absence because to her it felt like she was enjoying the use of something she'd deprived him of. Hope the sense of your Dad being missing from the house eases as you and your Mum adjust to him being present in another location. Toni x

 

[LYN T]

My Mum struggled with my stepfather's absence because to her it felt like she was enjoying the use of something she'd deprived him of. Toni x

Hi Toni

Until I read your reply I hadn't analysed my feelings like that, but I have to say that's exactly how I feel.Here I am -nice house, freedom, car, can see friends when I want,enjoy my Grandson,etc etc.My Husband-well he has none of those things. That's where my guilt stems from. Does the guilt ever go away? Or do we just get used to it?

Take care

Lyn T

Lyn T

 

[betsie]

Like many others I was in exactly the same position 8 weeks ago when my dad went into a care home due to my mum breaking her ankle, but once he went in I knew he would never come home again.

It does sometimes feel like he has died as he will never be back in the house and most of his clothes are at the care home. My mum now sits in his arm chair. It does get easier but I still have bad days when I cry my eyes out all the way home after a visit. I know from speaking to other people with loved ones in a care home that this really doesnt change no matter how long they have been in there.

I am lucky as my dad lives in the moment as he has no memory at all so accepted the home very well. I think the tears come from guilt and also from a sense of mourning the dad that I have lost as their illness and decline seems more obvious once in the CH.

I will say that my mums health and general well being has significantly improved, she is much brighter and more like her old self, at 83 yrs old, caring for an 87 year old man with dementia who was incontinent had really taken its toll on her (and on me, as I was there every day). It makes such a difference knowing they are safe and cared for 24hrs a day.

I reassure myself in the fact that I know my dad would not want me to feel guilt, he would want me to be concentrating on my family and he would not want to make my mum ill.

Enjoy your visits, cherish the smiles and any happy moments, love and support your mum and live your life - I am sure that would be all your dad would ask of you. xx

 

[Andie89]

Like many others I was in exactly the same position 8 weeks ago when my dad went into a care home due to my mum breaking her ankle, but once he went in I knew he would never come home again.

It does sometimes feel like he has died as he will never be back in the house and most of his clothes are at the care home. My mum now sits in his arm chair. It does get easier but I still have bad days when I cry my eyes out all the way home after a visit. I know from speaking to other people with loved ones in a care home that this really doesnt change no matter how long they have been in there.

I am lucky as my dad lives in the moment as he has no memory at all so accepted the home very well. I think the tears come from guilt and also from a sense of mourning the dad that I have lost as their illness and decline seems more obvious once in the CH.

I will say that my mums health and general well being has significantly improved, she is much brighter and more like her old self, at 83 yrs old, caring for an 87 year old man with dementia who was incontinent had really taken its toll on her (and on me, as I was there every day). It makes such a difference knowing they are safe and cared for 24hrs a day.

I reassure myself in the fact that I know my dad would not want me to feel guilt, he would want me to be concentrating on my family and he would not want to make my mum ill.

Enjoy your visits, cherish the smiles and any happy moments, love and support your mum and live your life - I am sure that would be all your dad would ask of you. xx

you have hit the nail on the head betsie, he's been suffering for 3-4 years now, and in all that time my mum has cared for him (thankfully she is considerably younger so was able too) but the incontinence had taken its toll on her and him, and over the time he has had this disease and it has gotten worse, it has felt like we have mourned the man we once knew, it is like a grieving process, we do cherish the visits we make, but its the uncertainty as well, what man are we going to be visiting today? on our last visit, he was soo normal, it was like, what is he doing in here? yet nights earlier he was being disruptive and so NOT himself.
i guess its just an adjustment period, and you're totally right he would want that for me and my mum thanks for kind words, i hope the grief is easing a little for you, knowing, as you say, hes in the best place not only for him, but for your mum and yourself xx